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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spending Christmas with people you really don't want to ...

274 replies

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 08:55

DP and I live separately although we've been together for 15 years. We tried living together and it wasn't great so we agreed we'd all be happier living apart. It works very well.

DP has adult children who he sees regularly. One of the main reasons we don't live together was due to difficulties with the children/ex when they were smaller. Long story, loads of examples of awful bullying behaviours and incredibly unkind treatment. As a result we're all happier but I don't see the adult children at all.

Due to many reasons, Covid, elderly relatives, unwell relatives, we haven't had many Christmasses together over the last 3 or 4. This year DP is spending Christmas at mine - I was really looking forward to it. He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us. Not unreasonable? So why does it feel like a massive damper has been put over my Christmas - I'd rather be alone TBH than spend it with two young adults and their partners who have been so horribly hurtful in the past.

I know I'm going to get firebombed. I'm not a step parent through choice. I was not involved in any way in the break up of the marriage. I fully support him needing to be a parent - I just don't want to see them on this special day. I doubt they want to see me very much either.

OP posts:
readymealeater · 18/12/2023 10:18

I don't want the unpleasantness of a huge fall out this close to Christmas. I know if sounds pathetic but I'm still quite traumatised by all of the previous fall outs.

That's how abusers train you.

You sound so tired and ground down and small wonder!

I know this is not being too upfront and direct, but perhaps you could cite illness as a reason not to see any of them? Then have a lovely Christmas day spoiling yourself and use the remaining time off to really look into how you are going to start asserting yourself in 2024.

titchy · 18/12/2023 10:18

Make him book Christmas lunch in a pub and go with them. Afterwards they all go back to his cold miserable flat, you go back to yours.

Rethink your relationship. He doesn't have any love or respect for you. You deserve MUCH better.

Original poster
ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 10:19

The problems started when they were young teens, but escalated over many years. It only stopped when I moved out and distanced myself. They were young adults by then.

@NonPlayerCharacter I've never been a step parent figure (except in the very early days before the trouble started). If I had known what was ahead when we first met I would have run a million miles. Its not always easy to know when you choose a man with kids.

OP posts:
Dontcallmescarface · 18/12/2023 10:19

It can't be changed without a massive fall out. I'm not prepared to have that again. There was an awful lot of it and that's the reason we live separate.

A fall-out with who? If it's the DP well he's played the long game well and has you exactly where he wants you. Inviting people he knows have been horrible to you, to YOUR home, without a thought as to how you feel about it and then having you agree otherwise it will cause a "massive fall-out"? I'd think long and hard about the future with this man.

NonPlayerCharacter · 18/12/2023 10:20

Due to his known behaviours and my lack of assertiveness we're in this situation. It can't be changed without a massive fall out. I'm not prepared to have that again. There was an awful lot of it and that's the reason we live separate.

Sorry, I missed this initially.

There's no rule that couples must always live together, but "known behaviours" that require "assertiveness" from you don't sound good. Is this relationship healthy?

MassageForLife · 18/12/2023 10:22

'If I had known what was ahead when we first met I would have run a million miles.'

You still can.

LadyBird1973 · 18/12/2023 10:25

He's bang out of order and he knows it - that's why he didn't ask!
I'm furious on your behalf - you have none of the advantages of living together but he still thinks he can impose his horrible kids on you in your own house!

It really is time for you to put your foot down. Have the row. It's long overdue tbh!
And remember that you are forth more than this.

Dontbeme · 18/12/2023 10:26

So he has decided to add extra people to Christmas in your home.
Has this Prince among men done a big food shop, got in extra booze, done a big clean up of the house, done all the little jobs needed to prep for his guests? Has he said he is doing all the cooking and running around on the day?

Wake up OP, you are a comfortable bed when he wants and a skivvy to this man, where do you think he would be on Christmas day if there wasn't work being done on his home? He hasn't put you first on any occasion and now he has invited people that don't get along with you and you haven't seen in how long to spend the day at your home expecting to be catered to, aren't you fucking furious that all these people are taking the piss out of you? Have the argument and let him fuck off, it seems no great loss to me, you deserve better.

Ktime · 18/12/2023 10:27

He assumed he could have the kids over without discussion.

There is no way he didn’t know you didn’t want his children there.

He’a manipulated you and you’ve let him have his way. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Could you at least tell him he needs to shop and cook and host and run around after everyone?

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 18/12/2023 10:33

I wouldn't have anyone in my house who has been so nasty to me in the past, whoever they were, Christmas or not. I suspect after a few glasses of wine things will get nasty so I'd tell him no.

2dogsandabudgie · 18/12/2023 10:36

If he wants to see his children on Christmas Day then there are two choices. He can either make Arrangements for him and his children and you spend Christmas day alone if that's what you'd be happy with or they all come to you. If the latter I would say to him that he has obviously asked them and they are happy to come to yours and therefore you expect them to behave like adults and not cause any problems on the day and that he has to help with the shopping, meal prep and cooking etc.

GreatGateauxsby · 18/12/2023 10:43

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 09:35

The posters who have suggested assertiveness is the issue are spot on. I don't feel like I have any option - I know how ridiculous that sounds as it's my own home.

DP is very welcome and he's been staying at mine a lot as his place is currently uncomfortable (but not entirely unliveable). We agreed early that he would spend Christmas as mine. He assumed he could have the kids over without discussion. I assumed he knew I wouldn't like that.

Due to his known behaviours and my lack of assertiveness we're in this situation. It can't be changed without a massive fall out. I'm not prepared to have that again. There was an awful lot of it and that's the reason we live separate.

He is SO unreasonable.

The fact he is basically LIVING at yours YET his DC have never visited at ANY time means he knows the score.
It's been years of this....he did not "assume it was okay". He knew it wasn't okay but went ahead anyway because... screw you @ChristmasHarmony

You can be Dobby the house elf, unwelcome in your home and consigned to the kitchen cooking and cleaning up for me and my kids

Fuck that....

I'd just say you want a quiet Christmas and are not up for hosting and cooking for 4/6/whatever but you wouldn't dream of inteferring with his plans so he can make his own arrangements and you'll do your own thing.

wildwestpioneer · 18/12/2023 10:45

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 08:55

DP and I live separately although we've been together for 15 years. We tried living together and it wasn't great so we agreed we'd all be happier living apart. It works very well.

DP has adult children who he sees regularly. One of the main reasons we don't live together was due to difficulties with the children/ex when they were smaller. Long story, loads of examples of awful bullying behaviours and incredibly unkind treatment. As a result we're all happier but I don't see the adult children at all.

Due to many reasons, Covid, elderly relatives, unwell relatives, we haven't had many Christmasses together over the last 3 or 4. This year DP is spending Christmas at mine - I was really looking forward to it. He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us. Not unreasonable? So why does it feel like a massive damper has been put over my Christmas - I'd rather be alone TBH than spend it with two young adults and their partners who have been so horribly hurtful in the past.

I know I'm going to get firebombed. I'm not a step parent through choice. I was not involved in any way in the break up of the marriage. I fully support him needing to be a parent - I just don't want to see them on this special day. I doubt they want to see me very much either.

I think your DH is being unreasonable. He shouldn't have just invited them without discussing with you first.

Mix56 · 18/12/2023 10:56

Tell him, on reflection, you think it would best to go out to lunch instead, then they can go home. He knows they don't like her, & it's your home, & your sanctuary. You'd be prepared to see them but not where they intentionally are rude & break your belongings.
Have they even said they are coming?
Who is paying & doing the food?
What if they drop out at the 11th hour?

Please don't do it.

ClairDeLaLune · 18/12/2023 10:59

it will turn into a row if I raise any objection

This isn’t good OP. It sounds like you’re a bit scared of him and will go along with what he wants to avoid having a row. That is a relationship red card. You need to be able to tell him what you think without him bullying you into accepting things you don’t want.

What he’s arranged is not fair on you. How dare he impose people who’ve bullied you in the past on you, in your house, on Christmas Day? He is completely unreasonable.

I know I'm going to get firebombed.

This is very telling too. Sounds like he’s done a right number on you. No-one on here is going to firebomb you, we’re on your side. But you think we wouldn’t be - I wonder why? He’s warping your thinking OP.

Original poster
ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 10:59

They have told him they are coming - they don't communicate with me directly. That says it all really doesn't it.

I'll do food and DP and I will go halves on everything as we've always done.

I very much hope they do drop out at the 11th hour, that would be perfect (for me) and entirely plausible as they let him down all the time.

OP posts:
HalebiHabibti · 18/12/2023 11:02

Oh dear. Well, if you're not going to try and cancel, at least start hiding precious things now. That gives your stepdaughter less opportunity to cause pain. Do you have a lockable bedroom door? I'd suggest it if not.

Original poster
ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 11:03

I'm not scared of him but I'm scared of the rows. Since I moved out things have been good we only ever had rows over his children and the ex so with them out of the picture (from my side) there is no problem. This is genuinely the first time he has forced them back into the relationship. He's happy to see them when it suits and I have never had any issues with him seeing them as long as I don't have to.

OP posts:
readymealeater · 18/12/2023 11:06

They have told him they are coming - they don't communicate with me directly. That says it all really doesn't it.

Yes. Yes, it does.

I'll do food and DP and I will go halves on everything as we've always done.

You're subsidising these people?! I wouldn't. You may need the money to replace the stuff they'll likely deliberately break!

I very much hope they do drop out at the 11th hour, that would be perfect (for me) and entirely plausible as they let him down all the time.

How about YOU let THEM down for once and drop out yourself?

Original poster
ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 11:07

Daughter would have no reason to go upstairs (downstairs loo) so I'll keep anything I don't want her to see/touch up there. It would be hideously obvious if she was to break/lose/steal anything on her first and only visit for several years. I'm pretty sure she'll are able to behave herself for one day. I just dread the thought of even seeing her as it's been so long since I have. Most definitely the last two people on earth I'd choose to spend time in my own home with, oh except their mother maybe. Maybe he'll drop in convo that she's coming too (not really - that was meant lighthearted he's not that bad).

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 18/12/2023 11:07

He assumed he could have the kids over without discussion.

Make no mistake, he knows exactly how difficult and uncomfortable this day will be for you. He also knew that if he asked you if he could invite his children and their partners, the answer would have been no.
So he made a unilateral decision and chose to spring this on you at short notice, and is pretending he didn't realise it was a big deal. What a coward.

It is incredibly disrespectful to invite additional guests to someone's home without asking the host first, in any circumstances. But in this case given the history and the fact you have had no contact with his children for some time, it shows a complete lack of regard for your feelings. He is not wrong to want to spend the time with his DC, but to assume that your home can be used as the venue with no discussion is incredibly presumptuous and suggests that he sees himself as having equal rights to your home.

I imagine it will also be deeply uncomfortable for his DC to be guests in your home, given the history. I'm surprised they accepted the invitation to be honest! Do they definitely know it's your place they'll be spending Christmas Day and not their Dad's? Or is he going to do to them what he's done to you, spring it on them at the last minute and claim he didn't think it warranted a discussion?

You would be 100% within your rights to refuse to host them, and to insist that he either comes alone as planned or finds somewhere else to spend time with his DC. From your replies it sounds like you've no intention of doing that. Can you at least tell him that the lack of consultation, and lack of thought for how this would make you feel is hurtful? Can you at least ask for some assurances that any rudeness or hostility towards you in your own home on the day will not go unchallenged? You really do deserve better than this.

lapsedrdwhoenthusiast · 18/12/2023 11:09

He's using you because he doesn't have a functioning home of his own this year. He has utterly disrespected you by inviting people into your home when he knows the complicated history and expecting you to cook for them all. Completely unreasonable to dump this on you. Just tell him you don't want to cook for that many people. It's your life and your Christmas. You are allowed to opt out. It sounds like the relationship is entirely on his terms.

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 11:09

I'm not scared of him but I'm scared of the rows.

He is the REASON for the row, so same difference really.

Since I moved out things have been good we only ever had rows over his children and the ex so with them out of the picture (from my side) there is no problem

Well, this nice peaceful status does not seem to be something your partner is interested in continuing.

This is genuinely the first time he has forced them back into the relationship.

What's that all about then? He doesn't get to decide on your behalf.

He's happy to see them when it suits and I have never had any issues with him seeing them as long as I don't have to.

So he's changed the rules for your own life without recourse to you.

HalebiHabibti · 18/12/2023 11:09

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 11:07

Daughter would have no reason to go upstairs (downstairs loo) so I'll keep anything I don't want her to see/touch up there. It would be hideously obvious if she was to break/lose/steal anything on her first and only visit for several years. I'm pretty sure she'll are able to behave herself for one day. I just dread the thought of even seeing her as it's been so long since I have. Most definitely the last two people on earth I'd choose to spend time in my own home with, oh except their mother maybe. Maybe he'll drop in convo that she's coming too (not really - that was meant lighthearted he's not that bad).

If you have several people over at the same time then it is conceivable that the downstairs loo will be occupied at a point when someone else needs it - that would provide an excuse to go upstairs. Please just be wary. It sounds like your DP won't care much even if she is caught red handed so at least you can minimise the risk to your own happiness.

Original poster
ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 11:11

They do know it's at mine no doubt whatsoever. His place is not suitable for Christmas this year. I'm also surprised they agreed TBH although I guess they see it as seeing their dad and I'll just be an inconvenient extra body in the room.

They are very emotionally immature, actually very immature as a whole (no special needs). She is very likely to just blank me the whole time.

OP posts: