Spending Christmas with people you really don't want to ...

[ChristmasHarmony]

DP and I live separately although we've been together for 15 years. We tried living together and it wasn't great so we agreed we'd all be happier living apart. It works very well.

DP has adult children who he sees regularly. One of the main reasons we don't live together was due to difficulties with the children/ex when they were smaller. Long story, loads of examples of awful bullying behaviours and incredibly unkind treatment. As a result we're all happier but I don't see the adult children at all.

Due to many reasons, Covid, elderly relatives, unwell relatives, we haven't had many Christmasses together over the last 3 or 4. This year DP is spending Christmas at mine - I was really looking forward to it. He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us. Not unreasonable? So why does it feel like a massive damper has been put over my Christmas - I'd rather be alone TBH than spend it with two young adults and their partners who have been so horribly hurtful in the past.

I know I'm going to get firebombed. I'm not a step parent through choice. I was not involved in any way in the break up of the marriage. I fully support him needing to be a parent - I just don't want to see them on this special day. I doubt they want to see me very much either.

I'm not furious as I've accepted such dreadful circumstances over the years I'm a little numb to it. I'm just sad the Christmas I was looking forward to has now been ruined.

You sound ground down by this man.

You know, passive, "head in the sand" types of men can be horribly abusive in their own way too...

He was completely unreasonable to ask them without asking you first and to just "drop it into the conversation". But he is reasonable to want to spend Christmas with his children.

What would make this easier OP? Firm boundaries around what time everyone arrives and leaves and who does the cooking?

No, don't let them do this to you. Tell him you're not up for hosting. Let them meet in a pib.

This isn't ok OP. It's your home, you don't invite people to other people's homes.

it will turn into a row if I raise any objection.

Perhaps you could look into assertiveness training in the New Year. Meanwhile, there are some excellent books on Kindle about this.

There is no need for a row. You tell him that you did not agree to any of this. That he knows the history between you all and the pain and schism it has caused over the years. That you will NOT be railroaded into doing this. That you are not stopping him seeing his children, but that it will not be at your place.

@MilkChocolateCookie I agree it's not unreasonable for him to want to see his kids on Christmas day. I fully support his relationship with them. I just don't want to be a part of it and I've made that clear.

The daughter has a history of "spoiling" my things - breaking sentimental pieces, dropping bottles of perfume on hard surfaces, losing borrowed items. It can't all have been accidental. She's never set foot in my home - this will be the first visit.

'this will be the first visit'

Only if you let it happen.

You can say no. If it turns into a row - so what? You are not telling him he can't spend Christmas with them. Just that it won't be at your house.

I fully support his relationship with them. I just don't want to be a part of it and I've made that clear.

You need to make it clearer still!

The daughter has a history of "spoiling" my things - breaking sentimental pieces, dropping bottles of perfume on hard surfaces, losing borrowed items. It can't all have been accidental. She's never set foot in my home - this will be the first visit.

Passive-aggression. Gets it from her father? What he has just done to you is passive-aggression.

Don't let her in. She sounds like a nasty piece of work and you don't want that in your own home.

Why can't he go to yours then go to theirs after or vice visa?

Sounds like the daughter has the first two traits and your DP has the second two!

18 Signs That You're Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Person | Psychology Today

Denies anger while enacting it indirectly
A passive-aggressive person may deny that they feel angry to avoid a direct confrontation and uncomfortable feelings.

Acts out aggression physically
A passive-aggressive person may slam doors, move things around loudly, or use other physical means of getting their point across without words.

Sabotages others
A passive-aggressive person may act out by sabotaging a loved one, by doing things like inviting a budget-conscious friend out for an expensive meal or planning an event at a time that is knowingly difficult for the other person.

Create an eggshell situation
A passive-aggressive person often makes others feel the need to walk on eggshells around them for fear of setting them off. This fear may be compounded by helplessness to get out of the cycle and resentment toward the passive-aggressive person who is unwilling to speak directly.

It is unreasonable for him to invite them to yours without discussion. Perhaps suggest that you all go out for a meal (i know it will be tight at this time of year as all the best places are booked). Say you haven't planned on catering for that amount so they will have to come mid afternoon. Or suggest he goes to see the adult children for a few hours - do they have their own homes?

With any luck they will be equally unenthusiastic and will only come for an hour or drop out nearer the day. I'd keep hosting to a minimum for them - 1 drink, if you can get away with not giving food I would, if not 1 mince pie (get some cheap ones just for them). Don't offer any more food or drink. Don't make attempt to keep the conversation going. It will be painful for all but they won't want to come next year.

How old were the children when these things happened? Is it possible they've grown up and this could be the start of an amicable adult relationship?

@readymealeater you're so right.

I'm really surprised by the support TBH. I thought I'd get some helpful responses but this is quite surprising. Thanks everyone. I'm not unreasonable. I guess after lots of years of always feeling I was its refreshing.

Your DP has just sabotaged your Christmas and he has created an egg shell situation because you are too afraid of a row to discuss what he's just done to you.

Glad this thread is providing some comfort and support, OP.

I would make this the straw that broke the camel's back.

In 2024, you can look into why you have allowed yourself to be treated this way and have therapy if you can manage it, or at very least follow some online course/read books/get support on a thread here to break out of this situation you are in.

The difficulties started when the children were early teens and their mother broke up with her boyfriend. It was all quite nice until then.

They are now in their 20s.

He can’t invite people to your home without your permission.

He’s overstepped a massive boundary.

OP, tell him you will not have them in your home.

@ChristmasHarmony reading your update. Offer the 1 drink in an old mug that needs throwing anyway. Also get some cheap nasty loo roll in the downstairs loo just for her visit (swap it out before she comes and then swap it back when she leaves) 😈.

OP - it's clear you haven't objected - but what did you actually say when he sprung this coup on you?

Just say no.

I understand how upset you must be, as you were looking forward to a lovely Christmas with your partner.

However he has ruined that plan without the courtesy of discussing it with you first.

Say to him, l am upset following our past issues as a combined family, that you did not discuss this with me first. I was hugely looking forward to spending Christmas just the two of us. I am afraid it is a no to hosting your family on Christmas day. You are very welcome to come alone.

Do not be drawn further. you say you are worried about a row, if so just text him this and do not say anything else on the matter.

He tried to railroad you into this, so now please put your boundaries firmly in place.
No need to argue it is just NO.

I would have said absolutely not as soon as he suggested it. What a selfish arse he is being. He should have booked a meal somewhere for them.

If I was you I think I would backtrack now, tell him they are not welcome and if he feels its a dealbreaker so be it, you're not going to argue or be made to feel guilty about it. Absolutely do not let him use your house because his is not in a fit state. There are many other options, he's just being lazy and selfish.

I'm glad you feel supported, op.

The question is - are you going to do anything to change the situation?

YANBU. Have they actually said yes though?

He is not respectful of you at all. Definitely say no to hosting them. Don’t let abusive people into your home and give them an opportunity to harm you or your house. Say it’s not what was agreed. He will know it’s unreasonable but maybe he’s used to getting his own way?
Suggest he spends Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and lunch with you then meets his children in the pub for drinks. Without them coming to yours. Be strong and make 2024 the year of being assertive.