Spending Christmas with people you really don't want to ...

[ChristmasHarmony]

DP and I live separately although we've been together for 15 years. We tried living together and it wasn't great so we agreed we'd all be happier living apart. It works very well.

DP has adult children who he sees regularly. One of the main reasons we don't live together was due to difficulties with the children/ex when they were smaller. Long story, loads of examples of awful bullying behaviours and incredibly unkind treatment. As a result we're all happier but I don't see the adult children at all.

Due to many reasons, Covid, elderly relatives, unwell relatives, we haven't had many Christmasses together over the last 3 or 4. This year DP is spending Christmas at mine - I was really looking forward to it. He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us. Not unreasonable? So why does it feel like a massive damper has been put over my Christmas - I'd rather be alone TBH than spend it with two young adults and their partners who have been so horribly hurtful in the past.

I know I'm going to get firebombed. I'm not a step parent through choice. I was not involved in any way in the break up of the marriage. I fully support him needing to be a parent - I just don't want to see them on this special day. I doubt they want to see me very much either.

Tell dp you have made other plans and he needs to host his dc elsewhere.. Letting those bullies into your home is madness. They will do their worst and leave your relationship unsalvagable imo..

Just have the row, OP. Stand up for yourself. This is YOUR HOME!

I sympathise, my christmas has just had a huge downer put on it too.
It was to be my first ever away from my dad and sister. (mum died 13 years ago and we first knew she was ill on christmas day 2009 and she was huge on christmas, so its always a hard and emotional holiday) Was to be first ever holiday spent with my partner of 3 years, and just the 2 of us alone together. (both early 30's and live with a parent due to health issues, i can only visit once a week and only recently started staying overnights due to severe OCD about toilets, especially using other peoples, and anxiety about it being occupied when i get urgency need to go etc) Time alone is virtually none existent as his mum and/or stepdad is always home, and his mum and step dads room is underneath his. It was going to be a sexy, fun, adult christmas, but his dad has just shown up from a few hundred miles away and is staying til 26th (the day i go home and his mum comes back) and has invited himself to dinner, is an early riser and will want to be there every day. He's a currently sober alcoholic, so all alcohol with dinner/in food is now out, the sexy lingerie i bought to wear under my outfit with very sparkly visible straps obviously cannot be worn, and there will be no spontaneous sex etc. I don't have a present to give him either. I'm also really uncomfortable around him as i've only briefly met him 3 times and have social anxiety. Ok we get evenings when he goes back to his accomodation, but thats not relaxed or spontaneous and still fitting everything around someone else, including no lazy christmas morning in bed and late dinner etc. Honestly, its really depressed and stressed me and i don't even want to go now, but i really want the time with my partner and i'm the one cooking, so i can't really back out. He wasn't asked either, his dad just turned up today and announced he's here for 5 days, coming to dinner etc. It's too late to tell him no, and partner only sees him once or twice a year as it is so will want him there.

I’m sorry you are n this position OP.

Your OH should have asked you BEFORE inviting guests (even if you had a great relationship with them). It’s extremely bad manners of him.

You have to do what you feel is best. Personally I wouldn’t spend Christmas Day with people who have been rude to me. That behaviour is inexcusable even if they were kids. You would think as adults they might have reflected on their behaviour and how it made you feel.

I had 8 years of my SD being rude to me. Ignoring me (in my own home), wouldn’t speak to me, wouldn’t look at me, one word answers. She now spends Christmas Day with her equally toxic mother and the relief at not having to spend it with her is immense.

Ignore all the SM haters, bitter EW throwing their toxicity around. Most of these people are the cause of the children’s behaviour. Unless you have been a SM yourself and suffered this behaviour of these kids you have no idea what it’s like.

Good luck & wishing you all the best x

@ChristmasHarmony so many nasties on Mumsnet. It’s such a dysfunctional way for them to spend time 🤷‍♀️ I’m glad you are not letting them get to you. I hope you do update us on Boxing Day. I’d love to know how it goes for you and I’m sure others here would too ❤️

Sorry, OP, but I have ro echo what everyone else has said. Why on earth are you allowing this prick to foist his ghastly offspring on you, rather than having 'the row'? It doesn't even need to be a row - you just say, 'none of you are coming here. Make your own alternative arrangements.' - repeat, and block if necessary.

If you don't put your foot down now, they will continue to treat you like shit, while their father lazily excuses them. It's your bloody house! Being alone on Christmas day is bliss, compared with being with people who neither like nor respect you. Grow a backbone!

I'm in similar circumstances. Fourteen years together, don't live together.
His adult-nearly 40-son doesn't treat him well, not contacting him for months on end, and then usually when he wants something or to scream abuse. Early days of relationship, I would cook/host at partner's house every other Christmas. Son never said thank you (though his wife did) never made conversation with me, if I asked him something he would answer my partner. I've tried; I told my partner I would never cook for his son again.
We now spend Christmas at my house. If my partner invited his son....I know he wouldn't.......I would refuse. Don't have them in your home.

Haven't read the thread - sorry - but right at the start of my relationship with my husband, I put my foot down over Christmas. I'd seen my mum have too many christmases she didn't enjoy because she had to have dinner at the in laws as a young wife and she didn't enjoy my grandmothers cooking and the big family thing, to later years when she entertained her in laws but didn't enjoy that either. I remember she used to spend a lot of time cleaning. I do that too when I feel stressed,, ha ha. She adored my Grandad, but never quite got on with my Nan, and I think the feeling was mutual. So I said no to all that bollocks to either in laws from the very start. And that attitude has served me very well over the years.

@ChristmasHarmony how did you get on. Hope you’re ok

Update as promised. They arrived and the dread was worse than the event. One small dramatic outburst with tears from the daughter which was only attended to by her father and boyfriend. I totally ignored her and it passed. No breakages or spills.

I did most of the work and running around but partly because I wanted to keep busy and out of the way.

Quite a few stark reminders of times past that I’d almost wiped from memory. Flashbacks to those awful times that led me to leave - just the smallest of things that would sound ridiculous in isolation but together made me an outsider in my own home.

They left at a reasonable hour and it’s done without a single thank you (I wouldn’t have guessed any different). I will NEVER do it again. I will and have given this a lot of soul searching and will be having a conversation about DP and I going our separate ways entirely. I never want to be in a situation where my planned happy Christmas is dictated to and changed without any discussion. I had years of being bullied and will not have it anymore.

@ChristmasHarmony so sorry it was almost as bad as expected, and that memory of them in your own personal private space will not very pleasant. But, you have seen your partner in his true colours, fully illuminated. Hopefully this will give you the clarity needed to go truly forward, free of bullying and manipulation

Just as well, the two of you have no future together if you and his children can't find common ground. And you don't want to (fair enough) so that's that.

I am glad it wasn’t physically as awful but I’m sorry they couldn’t muster a thank you. Fucking 5 year olds know to say thank you. I hope you feel comfortable that you were hospitable and didn’t cause a fuss before and equally comfortable that as a result of it you can know for certain you will never, ever do it again.

FWIW, I think you made the right decision in hosting and your time in between has been spent well given what you’re contemplating next.

Did your P at least thank you - and apologise for his children’s behaviour? Did they bring you a gift/contribute? Did he agree with you that it was awful? When you say “have a conversation“ about splitting, do you mean you are telling him it is over, or are you discussing the possibility of a split and allowing him to ask for another chance?

I hope you have something nice lined up for your remaining Xmas break to make up for the unpleasant Xmas day.

I’m pleased you got through it OP without too much drama and sad for you that this is the final chapter of your relationship with DP.

I have never understood why step children never say thank you to their father’s partner/wife. I have the same situation although two of my four adult SC have learned how to say those words in recent times.

The middle two I doubt ever will. My Xmas this year was pretty awful but we are moving to a new area in 2024 and opportunities to abuse me in the future will be limited.

The problem is not OP finding common ground with the children, it’s her DP’s refusal to accept that OP has the right to any feelings or respect in the relationship and in her own home.

Sorry you had a rubbish Christmas OP but glad this has made things clearer for you. You’ll be in such a different place by next Christmas.

The problem was always him by the sound of it, OP.

I hope you do muster the strength for a clean break.

This ^^

Best of luck, you deserve more, OP.

You should have done it before Christmas lovely, and saved yourself from putting up with their ungrateful arses!
Not too late to bring in the new year without your cheeky fucker 'partner' continuing to take the piss!

So sorry it brought bag awful memories. I’m glad you’re going to look after yourself and put yourself first.

Oh OP. I feel sad for you.

I think you probably know, as a result of some lovely messages from PP's, that your partner threw you under a bus on Xmas day without giving your feelings a second thought. And for that, he needs to be told he was extremely selfish and he didn't give two shits about how difficult he made Xmas day for you.

Time for you to re-evaluate OP. You sound so lovely and it's such a shame you've been ridden rough-shod.

Well, at least its over, you'll never have to see the ungrateful shits again
Good Luck with your new life.