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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spending Christmas with people you really don't want to ...

274 replies

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 08:55

DP and I live separately although we've been together for 15 years. We tried living together and it wasn't great so we agreed we'd all be happier living apart. It works very well.

DP has adult children who he sees regularly. One of the main reasons we don't live together was due to difficulties with the children/ex when they were smaller. Long story, loads of examples of awful bullying behaviours and incredibly unkind treatment. As a result we're all happier but I don't see the adult children at all.

Due to many reasons, Covid, elderly relatives, unwell relatives, we haven't had many Christmasses together over the last 3 or 4. This year DP is spending Christmas at mine - I was really looking forward to it. He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us. Not unreasonable? So why does it feel like a massive damper has been put over my Christmas - I'd rather be alone TBH than spend it with two young adults and their partners who have been so horribly hurtful in the past.

I know I'm going to get firebombed. I'm not a step parent through choice. I was not involved in any way in the break up of the marriage. I fully support him needing to be a parent - I just don't want to see them on this special day. I doubt they want to see me very much either.

OP posts:
readymealeater · 18/12/2023 11:14

Daughter would have no reason to go upstairs (downstairs loo) so I'll keep anything I don't want her to see/touch up there.

She's passive-aggressive. Red rag to a bull. She'll find a reason.

It would be hideously obvious if she was to break/lose/steal anything on her first and only visit for several years.

"Oh dear, I'm SUCH a butterfingers. Probably nerves because of bad memories of being clumsy with your stuff before and on Christmas Day too! I'm sooooo sorry!"

I'm pretty sure she'll are able to behave herself for one day

Why? If you have had to live separately from your partner for the last 15 years because of this behaviour, why are you so sure of this?

I just dread the thought of even seeing her as it's been so long since I have. Most definitely the last two people on earth I'd choose to spend time in my own home with, oh except their mother maybe.

Why are you allowing these people to do this to you? Not only will you have a ruined Christmas Day but now you are dreading it too, and for what?

Maybe he'll drop in convo that she's coming too (not really - that was meant lighthearted he's not that bad).

He could scarcely be much worse. Perhaps he will invite his ex. Why not? He's invited the kids you haven't seen in years without so much as a by-your-leave! You didn't see it coming, so there may be other bombshells?

Original poster
ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 11:15

This is such a helpful thread, thanks so much everyone I'm really glad I started it. There have been some times I've posted in the past about the situation (before I moved out) and I was met with very hostile responses. I was very broken back then so perhaps didn't put myself across very well.

I've reached out to a good crowd today and I feel a whole lot better as I'm not the unreasonable old misery I thought I could be.

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 18/12/2023 11:16

I'll do food and DP and I will go halves on everything as we've always done.

Seriously?? He's invited people you have no relationship with over to your home without consulting you and he hasn't even offered to foot the bill?

Going halves was fine when it was just going to be the two of you I suppose. Although personally I think it would have been gracious for him to offer to pay since you'll be doing the cooking, especially as he's been staying at yours more recently due to his building work happening. Now you're going to be feeding and watering more people thanks to him I really don't see why you should incur any additional expense at all!

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 11:18

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 11:15

This is such a helpful thread, thanks so much everyone I'm really glad I started it. There have been some times I've posted in the past about the situation (before I moved out) and I was met with very hostile responses. I was very broken back then so perhaps didn't put myself across very well.

I've reached out to a good crowd today and I feel a whole lot better as I'm not the unreasonable old misery I thought I could be.

I am glad you've reached out too.

As you can tell by my repeated presence on your thread, I am hopping mad on your behalf! You need some of my anger to assert yourself with 😂

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 11:19

I've reached out to a good crowd today and I feel a whole lot better as I'm not the unreasonable old misery I thought I could be.

Let today be the beginning of a new attitude in you. You can do this.

ClairDeLaLune · 18/12/2023 11:19

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 09:23

@readymealeater you're so right.

I'm really surprised by the support TBH. I thought I'd get some helpful responses but this is quite surprising. Thanks everyone. I'm not unreasonable. I guess after lots of years of always feeling I was its refreshing.

Sometimes poor posters come on here and get completely and unreasonably flamed.

Other times posters come on and get great support, and it can really open their eyes. On this thread Mumsnet has been at its best! OP you sound lovely and you sound like you’ve had years of being badly treated and misjudged, which has affected the way you think about yourself. Hopefully now you’ll realise it’s not you it’s them!

ChimneyPot · 18/12/2023 11:20

I know you don’t want a row but is a calm conversation possible?

Can you say calmly that you didn’t realise that he was inviting his children for Christmas and you are not sure it will work. Ask him how he envisaged it working and could you explore alternatives.

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 11:23

His place is not suitable for Christmas this year.

Then he should have made proper arrangements elsewhere. His problem, not yours!

I'm also surprised they agreed TBH although I guess they see it as seeing their dad and I'll just be an inconvenient extra body in the room.

They have the hide of a rhinoceros, the lot of them! The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

They are very emotionally immature, actually very immature as a whole (no special needs). She is very likely to just blank me the whole time.

She'll consume your food, drink and heat while she blanks you? What an arrogant bitch. How insulting.

Please stop being their doormat.

longtompot · 18/12/2023 11:28

I take it that it's unlikely they have changed at all since you last saw them?
Seeing as your dp has thrown this on you with no consultation he really should be footing the bill for the day.
I would allow this day to happen and tell your dp if nothing has changed and they make you feel unwelcome in your own home then it will never happen again.

neverbeenskiing · 18/12/2023 11:29

She is very likely to just blank me the whole time.

But this is a totally unacceptable way to treat someone who is hosting you in their home, and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

The very least your DP could do (and it really is the bare fucking minimum!) is to have a conversation with his DD ahead of her visit to remind her that she is an adult now, that whatever went on between you previously is in the past, that she has accepted an invitation to be a guest in your home and so she needs to treat you with basic courtesy. If he can't even do that, or if when the time comes he happily watches you feed and wait on someone who doesn't even have the decency to make polite conversation with you and says nothing to her, well then I'm sorry, OP but it shows how little he values you.

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/12/2023 11:33

That’s awful. Inconsiderate, disrespectful and completely dismissive of your (justified) feelings.

I would simply say no, that doesn’t suit me at all. He can go to one of them and in future, consult you before inviting people to your home.

If he’s not happy, tough.

RampantIvy · 18/12/2023 11:43

Please find your anger and just say no.

This partner of yours seems to think he is a prize by bestowing you with his company while treating you disrespectfully. This is not an equal partnership.

BlondeFool · 18/12/2023 11:46

He's so out of order. There is absolutely no way I would host them in MY house. You said she's going to blank you all day. That's unacceptable.

You need to cancel them all. At the very least go to a nice pub for lunch so you can go home.

Why are you scared of confronting him? He didn't give about a shit about your feelings when he's invited his toxic kids to yours.

Mental situation.

Newestname002 · 18/12/2023 11:46

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/12/2023 11:33

That’s awful. Inconsiderate, disrespectful and completely dismissive of your (justified) feelings.

I would simply say no, that doesn’t suit me at all. He can go to one of them and in future, consult you before inviting people to your home.

If he’s not happy, tough.

I'm in agreement here OP. If you continue to be so unassertive your partner and his awful children will continue to walk all over you. They can make plans for themselves which doesn't mean coming to your home, uninvited by you. I would rather spend Christmas with other family or alone than permit having my home invaded by people who dislike me so much because I was too fearful to speak up and put boundaries in place. 🌹

Original poster
ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 12:12

I have no relationship with the children and I doubt very much if this will change after Christmas Day with them.

I do value my relationship with DP (although this thread has opened my eyes as I explain in last para) and I am allowing the situation for two reasons, firstly, it means a lot to DP to have his children on Christmas Day and secondly the avoidance of a row.

I know he will never ever see my point of view about the children - even in the most dreadful situations he didn't ever support my view and backed his kids - some will say this is the right thing to do but when the circumstances are so obvious I'm not sure I'd agree.

It will be interesting to see if they have matured at all or softened even slightly. It will also be interesting to see if the old dynamic plays out as it always did when it was their time with dad. It's just one day and perhaps its been sent for a reason and if its time for me to call a day on this relationship.

OP posts:
barbarahunter · 18/12/2023 12:14

But OP, you're still seeing things through the eyes of your partner. It's great that he thinks his children are great, but everything has been at an emotional cost to you. Enough already. Set yourself free.

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 12:30

I have no relationship with the children and I doubt very much if this will change after Christmas Day with them.

What really is the point then of your Christmas being ruined and all this dread and then being out of pocket too?

I do value my relationship with DP (although this thread has opened my eyes as I explain in last para) and I am allowing the situation for two reasons

I am not sure what there is to value in the way you've been treated thus far.

firstly, it means a lot to DP to have his children on Christmas Day and secondly the avoidance of a row.

If it means such a lot, he'd have made prior arrangements wouldn't he? He must have known for a while the work being done on his home would be a problem. He didn't make arrangements, because he knew you could be imposed upon!

I know he will never ever see my point of view about the children - even in the most dreadful situations he didn't ever support my view and backed his kids

So you will always come last, even if his adult children abuse you.

It will be interesting to see if they have matured at all or softened even slightly.

Well, they haven't made contact to thank you for your invitation (although it was more of a done deal with an invitation). That's hardly mature!

It will also be interesting to see if the old dynamic plays out as it always did when it was their time with dad.

It will make for an "interesting" Christmas I suppose. I hope it doesn't bring you too much pain though.

It's just one day and perhaps its been sent for a reason and if its time for me to call a day on this relationship

But more than one day is being ruined. It's a week today and you have a week of dread ahead, the big day ruined, and then the aftermath to deal with.

I agree it may be the catalyst to calling it a day and that would be a good result.

Even if the day goes well, it's the fact he has steamrollered you into this that makes it so very wrong. Everything is on his terms. You are paying more than your share and opening your house to these people and there is no evidence whatsoever things will be difference. The risk being taken is all yours, not theirs.

It's all so incredibly unfair.

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 18/12/2023 12:31

HaPPy8 · 18/12/2023 10:11

I think if they were early teens at the time of things and this is a long term relationship it’s worth trying to move on.

Totally agree, it's one day and it sounds like you may spend it alone if dp and family aren't invited. In my head it would be last chance saloon any bitchiness/nastiness and they're never welcome again, and I'd make dp aware of that.

Justmuddlingalong · 18/12/2023 12:36

They surely get their brass neck from their father. You're pissing against the wind here, OP.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/12/2023 12:48

It's important to remember that like weddings Christmas isn't magic. There could be the potential for the OPs relationship with her partners children to improve but it's not going to happen at a high pressure social situation and I don't think this is the place.

Makemydaypunk · 18/12/2023 12:54

I know he will never ever see my point of view about the children - even in the most dreadful situations he didn't ever support my view and backed his kids - some will say this is the right thing to do but when the circumstances are so obvious I'm not sure I'd agree.

And yet you are still with him? How can you be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t give a shit about you?

LikeTheMorningDew · 18/12/2023 13:04

This is no life for you. You're walking on eggshells and unable to speak your mind to your own boyfriend?

He has no right to invite anyone into your home.

You sound totally worn down and ...sorry... abused

annonymousse · 18/12/2023 13:09

It sounds quite a sad situation for you OP. Your home should be your safe space. I hope it goes well, that his children have matured a bit and appreciate you allowing them into your home but would be prepared to show them the door at the first inkling of inappropriate behaviour including DP.

Walker1178 · 18/12/2023 13:33

DP and I live together, even though it’s his home just as much as mine he would never invite someone without asking first. I think it’s massively CF behaviour for your DP to
invite anyone to your home, he can go back to his cold miserable place and play happy families there instead.

There is so much pressure on Christmas to be a nice day, I wouldn’t like to spend it with anyone that’s likely to sour the mood. If you do agree to go along with things I would hope that adult children would be behave cordially and not sulkily especially when they have partners in tow too

ToriTheStoryteller · 18/12/2023 13:37

I would pull out of this and i would say why (rather than feigning illness which could backfire and result in another arrangement being made down the line).

There's spending Christmas Day with people you don't necessarily share common ground with because they are family and you can just about get on....but having to host and provide for people in your own home who openly dislike and disrespect you is another level of keeping the peace/people pleasing.

Your needs and your worth should be way above doing this for them.