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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds 19 dating a 42 year old

180 replies

Stellarx · 18/12/2023 07:11

Morning,

i’m struggling to know what to do for the best regard in this situation with my son, 19. My son is openly gay, we are really proud of him for being who he is. He goes to university full-time but has a part-time job in the town where we live. About six weeks ago I found out that he has been seeing a guy that works there. The problem is this guy is 42 years old.

I just can’t get my head around it. Before anyone asks, I know that I would feel the same if he was seeing a 42-year-old woman. The same time I accept that he is an adult and that ultimately he can do what he wants without my approval.

I have spoken to a close friend who also works at the same place. She understands my points but has also told me that this guy is really nice and she doesn’t feel that his behaviour is predatory.

DS has stayed at his house the last couple of weekends so I assume they are having sex.

he has asked me if I would consider meeting this guy at some point over Christmas to break the ice. Every bit of me wants to scream no!! My worry is if I do that I will end up losing my son.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Holly60 · 18/12/2023 07:17

I think you probably need to be careful not to push your son away.

I think you can clearly express your concerns to your son and outline why you are uncomfortable with it. At the same time you can't forbid him to see him so will have to accept his choices at the moment.

I also think I'd want to meet the other person- knowledge is power. I'd be wanting to spend as much time with them together as possible so I could get a grip on the dynamic.

Catza · 18/12/2023 08:24

Why wouldn't you want to meet his partner? For all we know he might be a genuinely nice person. I dated someone who was 18 years me senior and he was a lovely man, no complaints there at all. I was only a few years older than your son at the time.
On the other hand, he could also be a horrible person in which case you would surely want to meet him to keep an eye on the relationship and support your son if necessary.

EvilElsa · 18/12/2023 08:28

It makes me feel a bit weird as I'm a 42 year old with an 18 year old DD, so very similar ages. I couldn't imagine dating someone my daughters age.
I would meet up with him however. I'd rather be accepting than lose my son over an age gap. He might be a lovely guy and totally put your mind at ease.

StrictlyComeSnoozing · 18/12/2023 08:31

I had a friend who was a very nice man, not predatory, just a normal guy. When he was a similar age, he left his wife and family for an 18 year old. They're since married and have children. I removed him from my life when I found out as I just don't agree with it. I know they're both of legal age, but I find it unsettling regardless.

You're not being unreasonable. But there's also nothing you can actually do about it.

Ilovehersomuch · 18/12/2023 08:32

Catza · 18/12/2023 08:24

Why wouldn't you want to meet his partner? For all we know he might be a genuinely nice person. I dated someone who was 18 years me senior and he was a lovely man, no complaints there at all. I was only a few years older than your son at the time.
On the other hand, he could also be a horrible person in which case you would surely want to meet him to keep an eye on the relationship and support your son if necessary.

Because it's vile?

And any man who is that age and has sex with a boy barely out of childhood is a creep.

I'm 38 and I have a 19 year old son. I could NEVER see anyone under the age of 25 sexually. My son and his friends are still extremely childlike.

Hitting 19 doesn't make you an adult, I might legally but there's no magic bell at midnight that makes you mature.

Especially this generation of 19 year old who lived through covid and were socially held back for YEARS.

This is a teenage boy with someone who could easily be his father. It's disgusting and I absolutely would not meet him.

FeetupTvon · 18/12/2023 08:32

Definitely meet up, he may well surprise you.
Better for him to be in a relationship with a nicer mature man than a not nice younger man.

Ilovehersomuch · 18/12/2023 08:34

At 19 seeing someone 'mature' should be 23/25. 30 seems absolutely inappropriate. 42 is just... Makes my skin crawl.

CharlotteRumpling · 18/12/2023 08:37

Ugh. Creep. I would meet him to gauge how things stand.

Christingle123 · 18/12/2023 08:45

Ilovehersomuch · 18/12/2023 08:34

At 19 seeing someone 'mature' should be 23/25. 30 seems absolutely inappropriate. 42 is just... Makes my skin crawl.

Completely agree. He's still a kid, and that 42 year old needs a good speaking to 😑

Willowview · 18/12/2023 08:45

Remain neutral in your approach, easier said than done, but you have no choice. Not your life not your relationship. If you kick off, you'll only push him away from you, not his BF.

Catza · 18/12/2023 08:46

Ilovehersomuch · 18/12/2023 08:32

Because it's vile?

And any man who is that age and has sex with a boy barely out of childhood is a creep.

I'm 38 and I have a 19 year old son. I could NEVER see anyone under the age of 25 sexually. My son and his friends are still extremely childlike.

Hitting 19 doesn't make you an adult, I might legally but there's no magic bell at midnight that makes you mature.

Especially this generation of 19 year old who lived through covid and were socially held back for YEARS.

This is a teenage boy with someone who could easily be his father. It's disgusting and I absolutely would not meet him.

Show quote history

So you would just let your child date someone you have never met and somehow think it less vile?
A bit of a sticking your head in the sand going on here, by the sound of it.

CharlotteRumpling · 18/12/2023 08:49

On MN posters always advice allowing your DC to make really poor decisions otherwise you will ' drive them away'. I have been able to stop my DC from making terrible decisions by talking to them.I am in my 50s and
still take my mum's advice sometimes. I am not really into this " Keep your nose out of it" style of parenting.

I have a 19 year old DS and there is no way I would stand by meekly if he were dating a 42 yr old.Luckily he thinks anyone over 40 is near death.

Shouldigoforarunorhavepancakes · 18/12/2023 08:50

You can’t refuse to meet him otherwise he can use it to alienate your son. Make sure you and your son are as close as always. He will need you if that creep manages to make the relationship progress.

Dontbeme · 18/12/2023 08:54

Really lovely 42 year olds don't date teenagers, they especially don't date teenagers that work in the same workplace as them and they might be the boss of. I would keep a very close eye on this OP.

Zebedee55 · 18/12/2023 08:55

I would meet him, albeit through gritted teeth. Keep your son close - he might need you if it all goes wrong.

Trying to influence a 19 year old, as a parent, will never work out.

HoneyButterPopcorn · 18/12/2023 08:56

So he is the same age as you, old enough to be his dad and is dating a kid not long out of school… I understand your worried.

Similar happened to a relative of mine - and even though we don’t know if there was any manipulation, coercion, abuse or anything else, when it ended it was truly awful (the age gap wasn’t as large but the ‘culture’ gap of a an adult who had not long left school, hasn’t had a job, mortgage, etc etc and an adult who has had all of the above and much more relationship experience).

Yes he may well be a lovely man, but broken hearts are so awful in the young. And so often parents can do nothing to warn their children if they see a partner who may well spell trouble and heartbreak. And I suspect we all know students we were with who had hearts broken and had their studies disrupted.

I’d meet him and get to know him. I’d keep an eye and make sure DS knows that his old mum is there for him, has also been ‘madly in love with The Love of Her Life’ too.

Kirstyshine · 18/12/2023 08:57

Meet him. Hang out with them together, especially in public places where people may take you and bf to be his parents. Talk about music etc in the 90s, emphasise your shared age with bf. Have his dad do the same if poss. You can be honest about your reservations to an extent, depends on your relationship with your son. You can certainly be a wee bit steelier with the bf when your son goes to the loo or whatever, ask him what age his last partner was, for eg.

Kirstyshine · 18/12/2023 09:00

Oh and do what you can do keep his friends of his own age in his life - this will be limited when he’s 19, but whatever feels natural.

Southpoint · 18/12/2023 09:01

Omg! Of course it is vile. I would not know what to do in this situation. Do you know a bit more about the older man? If he is a position of power over your son at work? Make sure you know where he stands in all of this.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 18/12/2023 09:03

Oh god. I'm with you OP. This is giving me the creeps.

What kind of 42 year old dates a 19 yo??

They can't have that much in common, surely?

CharlotteRumpling · 18/12/2023 09:04

Nope, he is not a lovely man.

Kirstyshine · 18/12/2023 09:05

(My son is a bit younger but I would invite one of his friends, one I know v well, over for Sunday lunch along with son and bf, and ask this friend to invite another mate too if poss. No plotting or anything, just encouraging social situations where the bf has to mix with the friends.)

SylvieLaufeydottir · 18/12/2023 09:05

This type of relationship is very, very common for young gay men around your son's age. It's probably more common than not for them to have a relationship with an older man, IME. In the vast majority of cases, the relationship doesn't last that long, things end amicably, and the younger party moves on to someone closer to their own age. In rare cases the older partner is manipulative or abusive, but most of the time no damage seems to be done; rather the opposite.

Ultimately, you don't have control here. You can express to your DS your concerns about an imbalance of power, and tell him what to look out for, but that's really the limit of what you can do. I'd meet him, personally. I don't see a lot of advantages to not doing so.

FaiIureToLunch · 18/12/2023 09:06

Meet him, find common ground and it would be such a turn off for the average teenager

Sirzy · 18/12/2023 09:06

Age gap relationships don’t bother me but this is something completely different. They may both be adults but your son only just and I can see why your not comfy.

sadly though if you say anything your only likely to push him away from you.