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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds 19 dating a 42 year old

180 replies

Stellarx · 18/12/2023 07:11

Morning,

i’m struggling to know what to do for the best regard in this situation with my son, 19. My son is openly gay, we are really proud of him for being who he is. He goes to university full-time but has a part-time job in the town where we live. About six weeks ago I found out that he has been seeing a guy that works there. The problem is this guy is 42 years old.

I just can’t get my head around it. Before anyone asks, I know that I would feel the same if he was seeing a 42-year-old woman. The same time I accept that he is an adult and that ultimately he can do what he wants without my approval.

I have spoken to a close friend who also works at the same place. She understands my points but has also told me that this guy is really nice and she doesn’t feel that his behaviour is predatory.

DS has stayed at his house the last couple of weekends so I assume they are having sex.

he has asked me if I would consider meeting this guy at some point over Christmas to break the ice. Every bit of me wants to scream no!! My worry is if I do that I will end up losing my son.

AIBU??

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2023 10:38

Meet him. You can't possibly know anything about their relationship without doing so. Be friendly. Be open. Whatever happens, your son needs to feel he can come to you if it all goes to shit

LlynTegid · 18/12/2023 10:39

I think you should meet, much as I agree with you about the relationship.

Thinking of 23 year age gaps and unsuitable relationships, Donald and Melania Trump, or Boris and Carrie Johnson.

TempestTost · 18/12/2023 10:44

puncheur · 18/12/2023 10:21

I think there is a lot of heteronormative projection, verging on homophobia. in these replies. The fact is that gay relationships, and gay culture is NOT like heterosexual culture. These daddy-twink relationships are normalised in gay culture and are a common introduction to the scene. Going to a sauna or bath house or even just bars and clubs is pretty terrifying for a young lad on their own, especially one who may not have had any contact with scene culture. These early relationships are often more like a 'mentor' relationship into gay culture - some gay men even liken it to the relationships that a teacher would have with pupils in ancient Greek culture.

It's uncomfortable for straights, a lot of gay culture is - I get it. But it's been going on forever and as long as relationships are legal I think you are just going to have to accept it.

"Heteronormative" here meaning not giving special concessions to gay relationships around things that many people would think were exploitative, unhealthy, or dangerous in heterosexual relationships?

How very terrible.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2023 10:44

Ilovehersomuch · 18/12/2023 08:32

Because it's vile?

And any man who is that age and has sex with a boy barely out of childhood is a creep.

I'm 38 and I have a 19 year old son. I could NEVER see anyone under the age of 25 sexually. My son and his friends are still extremely childlike.

Hitting 19 doesn't make you an adult, I might legally but there's no magic bell at midnight that makes you mature.

Especially this generation of 19 year old who lived through covid and were socially held back for YEARS.

This is a teenage boy with someone who could easily be his father. It's disgusting and I absolutely would not meet him.

Show quote history

Much more chance of losing her son if she refuses to engage and basically vilifies the guy as a hebephile.
19 is a child to you cos you have one. If you don't have teens around you and you're all meeting on a levelled field as work it's easier to lose track of ages.
Nothing like the guy you like having the same taste in music and same cultural references as your Mom to put you off tho

CJsGoldfish · 18/12/2023 10:46

Better for him to be in a relationship with a nicer mature man than a not nice younger man
Yeah.. a "nicer mature man" of 42 would not feel the need to be in a relationship with a teenager. Nothing 'nice' about him 🤷‍♀️

PermanentTemporary · 18/12/2023 10:51

Oh I would meet him all right. And I would spend the whole evening reminiscing about 90s music and film, 80s historical memories, discussing the trials of caring for elderly parents, talking about embarrassing ailments of middle age and encouraging any boring old fart tendencies to come to the fore. I'd score points for seeing my son yawning with his mouth closed at any point.

PermanentTemporary · 18/12/2023 10:55

'These daddy-twink relationships are normalised in gay culture'

You're really not selling it. A middle aged guy 'mentoring' my son into attending sex clubs at 19 sounds equally exploitative as the hetero equivalent. Does it really sound ok to you?

FreshWinterMorning · 18/12/2023 10:57

TempestTost · 18/12/2023 10:44

"Heteronormative" here meaning not giving special concessions to gay relationships around things that many people would think were exploitative, unhealthy, or dangerous in heterosexual relationships?

How very terrible.

Show quote history

Exactly this. ^ @puncheur 's post (at 10.21,) makes me like ... Confused

'Daddy-Twink...' WTAF?

Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 18/12/2023 10:58

Ilovehersomuch · 18/12/2023 09:13

Because men, generally, are creeps.

Show quote history

Truer words have never been spoken

Lemonyyy · 18/12/2023 10:58

I would definitely express reservations to my son. You can’t tell him who he can date but you can say you’re a bit worried about it, only because you want him to be happy and safe. I would want to meet him, go in with an open mind, show your son you are willing to try, but that you’re ready and waiting if he needs help.

thebabessavedme · 18/12/2023 11:08

My thoughts are 'Know your enemy' Meet the man, be as nice as possible, show him a united, supportive, close and loving family, show him how your family works, that you are totally fine with son being gay as you are so close to him, make quite sure that your son does not appear vulnerable. Make 'friends' with this man, keep him close, invite him to your home etc, let him meet the wider family, anything to show that you son is not ripe for manipulation, if he is a 'good guy' then the strategy will work, everyone happy, if he is holding some kind of power over your son he will see that you are not going to be walked over and hopefully will back off if he feels that its all too much hard work.

puncheur · 18/12/2023 11:10

PermanentTemporary · 18/12/2023 10:55

'These daddy-twink relationships are normalised in gay culture'

You're really not selling it. A middle aged guy 'mentoring' my son into attending sex clubs at 19 sounds equally exploitative as the hetero equivalent. Does it really sound ok to you?

It's irrelevant what I, or you, think. Telling gay men that their practices and culture makes straights feel icky doesn't really have a history of making things better.

throwawayimplantchat · 18/12/2023 11:16

A 40 something banging a 19 year old makes some non straight folk feel very icky too @puncheur

Catza · 18/12/2023 11:20

User1775 · 18/12/2023 10:18

Partner??? They've been seeing each other 6 weeks??

Show quote history

Unless they are celibate, they are sexual partners.

HVPRN · 18/12/2023 11:23

What is a 42y old man doing with a child not long out of school?! They're at different life points.

Have a conversation with your son and tell him exactly how you feel. It is weird and predatory of the older man. I would be telling my teenage daughter the same. It is my job to protect her, warts and all.

myphoneisbroken · 18/12/2023 11:25

Agree with PPs that this needs to be seen within the context of gay culture, where this is very usual. If you are really proud of your son being who he is, that means accepting his culture and the ways it might be different to what you are used to. The most important thing is to maintain a strong relationship with your son and that means meeting his new partner and keeping an open mind. I do understand that you feel uncomfortable, I have LGBT+ DC and there are things that challenge me too. But it's so important for them to know that they are loved and accepted on their terms, not just when their lives mirror heteronormative culture.

Santashelperisonstrike · 18/12/2023 11:27

I totally understand your concerns about the big age gap.

but your son is an adult and has to make his own choices.
(even though I personally would feel exactly the same as you!)

The best strategy is to keep him close, and be supportive. It means he’ll confide in you if things go wrong.

ginasevern · 18/12/2023 11:30

I agree with @puncheur

I have many gay friends and I know that the gay scene can't be entirely compared with the heteroexual scene. The older man will very often be acting more like a mentor who will help your son navigate gay culture, which can be daunting and complex.

Having said all of that, I absolutely understand your concern about the age gap OP but I really feel this relationship will fizzle out. I also feel you should meet this man if your son has asked you to.

Oneblindmouse · 18/12/2023 11:30

FreshWinterMorning · 18/12/2023 10:37

Gosh @Oneblindmouse that is awful! Flowers I am glad your son managed to get away from this awful man. I do feel like if the age gap had been much closer, like 21 and say, 25, this probably would not have happened, as very few people of 25-ish would behave like this - IMO, and IME. Hope you and your son and your family are all OK now. ❤

Thankyou. Yes my DS and our small family (just DS, DD and I) are all well and looking forward to Christmas together.
DD and I were so relieved when DS broke all contact with him only quite recently. We had hoped so much for that. DD is 9 years older than DS. She has been a great support to me and to DS throughout all this.

Nicole1111 · 18/12/2023 11:31

Hugely creepy. Why on Earth would a grown man with lots of life experience want to pursue a relationship with someone whose brain hasn’t even finished developing, who likely has very little in common with him. That said, it’s likely that if you try and highlight your concerns too forcefully or reject the boyfriend, your son will become more fixed in his intent to remain in the relationship. Therefore I’d say the best approach is to meet him (briefly and out in public not in a home where you can’t make excuses to end it) and then whenever you get the opportunity ask gentle questions of your son that highlight compatibility issues.

helpfulperson · 18/12/2023 11:32

I think many people are seeing this as a 'relationship' with the implication about it potentially being a long term thing.

It's probably a bit of fun for both sides with no thoughts of commitment unless your son has suggested he views it differently.

For many gay dating really is very different to heterosexual relationships.

FrenchandSaunders · 18/12/2023 11:35

This isn't that unusual ... .my DDs are early 20s and the gay guys they know tend to go for older men. As someone else said, unless there's talk of settling down they're probably just having a bit of fun. As long as it's consensual then I'd keep out of it.

CurlewKate · 18/12/2023 11:41

"I bet this grown man hides this to others because he knows it raises an eyebrow."

I bet he doesn't. Gay men are just as keen on having a "trophy" on their arm as straight men.
@Stellarx it depends on the relationship you have with your son, but I would definitely meet this man. And I would find an opportunity to talk to my son alone, ask him about the relationship, ask him about it and tell him why you're worried. And keep communication open. It's not alt all the same, but when my dd was n an abusive relationship I made sure I kept up light, casual contact. Texts, little presents, all that sort of thing. She said later that it helped her keep in touch with the outside world when she was sinking.

Friendofdennis · 18/12/2023 11:48

i knew a gay man who had relationships with much younger men. He said he was a ‘daddy’ a subculture which justifies having relationships with much younger men. Perhaps this is what is going on

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/12/2023 11:50

That would disturb me too but I’d welcome the boyfriend and let it run its course, it probably will.

If it results in a permanent relationship, it was meant to be.

Ultimately though, don’t push your son away.