Ds 19 dating a 42 year old

[Stellarx]

Morning,

i’m struggling to know what to do for the best regard in this situation with my son, 19. My son is openly gay, we are really proud of him for being who he is. He goes to university full-time but has a part-time job in the town where we live. About six weeks ago I found out that he has been seeing a guy that works there. The problem is this guy is 42 years old.

I just can’t get my head around it. Before anyone asks, I know that I would feel the same if he was seeing a 42-year-old woman. The same time I accept that he is an adult and that ultimately he can do what he wants without my approval.

I have spoken to a close friend who also works at the same place. She understands my points but has also told me that this guy is really nice and she doesn’t feel that his behaviour is predatory.

DS has stayed at his house the last couple of weekends so I assume they are having sex.

he has asked me if I would consider meeting this guy at some point over Christmas to break the ice. Every bit of me wants to scream no!! My worry is if I do that I will end up losing my son.

AIBU??

I bet he doesn't. Gay men are just as keen on having a "trophy" on their arm as straight men.

Outside of certain circles (like pp who thinks it's homophobic to challenge this dynamic), people in their 40s don't go announcing they have a 19 yo boyfriend 😬

If this is the case, the "meet my family" element is kind of weird.

And that has nothing to do with sexuality. Lots of young straight people have flings too, and at least when I was younger, we didn't bring them home to meet the parents, especially at Christmas.

It makes me think her son doesn't see it as a fling, although that's likely what it is.

I'm normally pretty relaxed about age gaps as I've seen some where you can tell both parties are absolutely and utterly in love (most notably was a 30 year old woman with a 60 year old man).

If OP's DS had been 30 and the older man 53, I wouldn't feel so odd about it, but it's the fact that he's 19 that makes it feel a bit off.

I have a very close (gay) friend who was married to an older guy. My friend is in his late 40s and his husband would have been in his 70's by now. Unfortunately he became ill and passed away very suddenly, so my friend has been left heartbroken and alone at such a young age. He was absolutely the love of his life so while it's conceivable he'll meet someone else, even now 5 years on, he is adamant that he doesn't want to.

With a large age gap, it's possible that the same could happen with OPs son.

I think all you can be is supportive OP and be there with advice and guidance and, depending on your relationship with your son, an occasional jokey comment about how you're closer in age to his partner!

Meet him, see how you feel about him, then be ready with advice or support if you spot any red flags.

I’d want to meet him simply because I think it’s better to see for yourself. This man may be ‘nice’ but he is 42 and should know better. No genuinely decent person in their forties would be dating someone as young as 19 imho. My problem would be I’d be struggling to hold my tongue if alone with him.

Lalalaletmmeexplain has gone a good podcast on age gap dating recently

You can be a gay man without buying into all of this, or thinking that it's a good thing.

I mean, for goodness' sake, there are gay men who think it's perfectly ok to have these kinds of relationships with 12 year old boys too, that's also part of gay "culture". Which is to say, it's one place that unrestrainied male sexuality can go, if no one stops and says, yeah actually, that's bad.

We really do seem to have gone from, gay men are not inherently more promiscuous etc, all that is down to cultural non-acceptance, haven't we? To where we aren't supposed to point out the health or psychological or emotional issues around sex club culture or twink culture, for fear of being homophobes.

Because apparently that's who gay men are.

Nope, you aren’t being unreasonable in the slightest being uncomfortable with it. If it was a 19-year-old girl and a 42-year-old man there’d be redp flags flapping all over the place, and there should be, and there should be for this too. Age gap relationships aren’t unusual with lesbians and gay men, there are just fewer of us to go around, but 19 and 42 is exactly the same level of creepy as it would be if it was a straight relationship, and chickenhawking is definitely a thing in gay male culture. I’m around that man’s age and the thought of going out with a 19-year-old gives me the massive ic. They’d be like a child to me, I’d feel like a paedophile.

having said all that, I would meet this man if I were you. Better to be in your son’s trust than not, and at least partially in the loop.

Ah, 5 pages before we got to "paedophilia is part of gay culture". Not bad going I suppose. Bonus points for quoting the word culture.

That's not uncommon on the gay dating scene.

Don't worry about it.

You'll push him away if you say too much!

Oh right. Would you like to quote the bit where I said that?

how long have you been an openly out homosexual btw? I have been for many years, so I’ve seen a lot of gay culture in that time, and I can tell you that older men creeping on Twinks is not in the slightest bit unusual. Don’t be giving me any of that you can’t say bad things because it’s about the gays bullshit, because I am one of the gays, and 42-year-old men shagging 19-year-old lads is creepy as fuck, but very common indeed, and no, it’s not got anything to do with mentoring the young ones into the life, it’s because older blokes like shagging pretty young things. Gay men and straight men don’t differ in the slightest in that respect, it’s just that men tend not to try to impose sexual boundaries on other men the way they do to women so the gay male scene is basically unfettered male sexuality.

@Stellarx I am very sorry for what you are going through. We have a similar battle at our hands and I am trying to be as "supporting" as possible because I want to keep my DC close to me for when this relationship will undoubtedly turn sour. Wishing you all the best and a lot of strength - remember that your DS is probably madly in love right now and won't be able to see this "relationship" for what it is :(

Surely the older man being a "mentor" is even worse, WTF? It's not an equal power dynamic. What kind of mentor has sex with their teenage 'student'?

Just because it's part of gay culture doesn't make it right nor is it homophobic to point that out.

Pretty sure they were referring to the post before your one from TempestTost who started banging on about gay paedophiles for some reason.

He’s a significantly older male, regardless of his sexuality, it’s a bit grim

Haven’t read the full thread. Meet him OP. I agree with others that this is more common in gay relationships. I was reading about Stephen Fry and his husband, Elliott Spencer, over the weekend. He is 30 years his senior.

Meet him and spend the evening reminiscing over old songs, tv and kids toys. It will make him les a cool. I’d brush up on 80s kids TV!

I have plenty of gay friends too and they don't exactly buy into this idea that the older man in such relationships is some sort of benevolent kindly tutor helping the young gay man navigate his way through the various protocols of the gay scene. 'Twinkies' are inexperienced young looking teen/early 20s men newish to the scene and are often seen as highly desirable by certain older gay men who want nothing more then to fuck them.

Yeah, you didn't actually notice I suggested this idea wasn't inevitably true?

But it does exist in gay male culture. Peter Tatchell, the gay rights activist, has written a fair bit about this and defended it precisely as part of gay male culture, in exactly the same way as the twink stuff people on here are defending. Openly, in public settings and mainstream publications. He is not at all the only gay man who thinks this way, and there has in the 20th century been a cohort of men who do things like swan off to North Africa to have sex with young teen boys.

That's not an opinion, it's all strictly factual. And the defense such people give is, it is part of gay culture, if you say it's not ok you are homophobic.

Personally, I think gay men are as capable of not doing that shit, and seeing why it's a problem, as anyone else, and it doesn't matter if it's a part of the "culture" if it's wrong.

What it is really is a feature of male sexuality, and that's what it can look like when no one puts any limits around it.

The OP does not have to accept that shit in order to be ok with her son being a gay man.

That older man is very selfish. I hope your DS is being very careful about sex and always uses protection.

Can we stop this acceptance of much older men predating on very young men because they are gay thing please? Firstly, it’s deeply homophobic to excuse predatory behaviour because being gay puts them outside the usual expectations of acceptable behaviour, and second, it’s not exactly doing anything to protect the very young men who get prayed on by these dirty old creeps. Like I’ve said before, it happens a lot because men don’t tend to constrain other men’s sexual behaviour the way they do to women, and women tend to be the natural safeguarders, and women are exactly the thing the gay male scene necessarily lacks.

And this mentoring nonsense, it’s utter shit. Since when did mentoring someone involve fucking them?

somebody up thread said it tends to happen with lesbians as well. There are plenty of age gap relationships amongst lesbians, but generally not with such young women. A much older woman going out with a late teens or early 20s woman tends to raise eyebrows in the lesbian community. Women tend to put more of a curb on each other sexual behaviour than men do. I’m not saying predatory behaviour doesn’t happen in lesbian circles, I’m saying it’s much less common and far less accepted. When I first came out I looked up to a group of older lesbians to kind of mentor me. Surprise surprise none of them tried to fuck me.

It’s v common amongst gay men, it’s exploitative imo . It’s a lot for you to take on your son is still only a teenager so won’t necessarily see the negatives. Def meet the man, keep your DS close

I agree with PP’s that you should meet him, so that you have an idea of what he’s like. I’d follow the adage “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” I agree that this is predatory behavior and I’d be extremely worried if my DD (18) started seeing someone that age.

I'm 42 I work in a uni with 18/21 year old. I wouldn't date any of them they are all so young compared to me. I don't think it's appropriate at all.

Can we stop this acceptance of much older men predating on very young men because they are gay thing please? Firstly, it’s deeply homophobic to excuse predatory behaviour because being gay puts them outside the usual expectations of acceptable behaviour

Excuse me for one second, you saying that accepting relationships like this is wrong because gay age difference relationships are "predatory" is even more homophobic. If you spent any time with gay people and especially gay men you would know it is not generally about that in the way it would usually be with a 42 year old man dating a 19 year old woman. Young men can stand up for themselves in these relationships, they know what they are doing.

It’s pretty grim, but you just have to go with it.
keeps those lines of communication wide open and bite your tongue. Be very kind and accepting to the older man, and hopefully you won’t lose your son to him.

Arrange regularly catch up with him on his own if you can.