Page 2 | Ds 19 dating a 42 year old

Stellarx · 2023-12-18T07:11:37+00:00

Morning, i’m struggling to know what to do for the best regard in this situation with my son, 19. My son is openly gay, we are really proud of him for being who he is. He goes to university full-time but has a part-time job in the town where we live. About six weeks ago I found out that he has been seeing a guy that works there. The problem is this guy is 42 years old. I just can’t get my head around it. Before anyone asks, I know that I would feel the same if he was seeing a 42-year-old woman. The same time I accept that he is an adult and that ultimately he can do what he wants without my approval. I have spoken to a close friend who also works at the same place. She understands my points but has also told me that this guy is really nice and she doesn’t feel that his behaviour is predatory. DS has stayed at his house the last couple of weekends so I assume they are having sex. he has asked me if I would consider meeting this guy at some point over Christmas to break the ice. Every bit of me wants to scream no!! My worry is if I do that I will end up losing my son. AIBU??

Catinknickers · 18/12/2023 09:08

My sister is in a similar situation her DD aged 19 was involved with 2 older men (both millionaires). 2 years on she now involved with just one of them in his forties. He actually pays my niece an allowance so she can spend time with him rather than working.

My sister is very worried but thinks it best to support her DD in whatever she wants to do. Frankly she privately sees it as no better than prostitution but would never say that. Her DD is getting trips abroad, designer clothes etc. She also says she is learning loads about the business she eventually wants to go into.

I think you have to just play along but be there to support your DS if it all goes horribly wrong.

puncheur · 18/12/2023 09:08

SylvieLaufeydottir · 18/12/2023 09:05

This type of relationship is very, very common for young gay men around your son's age. It's probably more common than not for them to have a relationship with an older man, IME. In the vast majority of cases, the relationship doesn't last that long, things end amicably, and the younger party moves on to someone closer to their own age. In rare cases the older partner is manipulative or abusive, but most of the time no damage seems to be done; rather the opposite.

Ultimately, you don't have control here. You can express to your DS your concerns about an imbalance of power, and tell him what to look out for, but that's really the limit of what you can do. I'd meet him, personally. I don't see a lot of advantages to not doing so.

Agreed. Totally standard gay dating scenario. Twas ever thus.

NutellaNut · 18/12/2023 09:11

Your friend ”doesn’t feel that his behaviour is predatory” Well that’s her view, others would beg to differ.

Personally I think it’s creepy as hell. It’s a bit like the Philip Schofield situation. What he did wasn’t illegal, but he was widely condemned for inappropriate behaviour with a much younger man.

I think I’d avoid meeting this 42 year old creep at Christmas - either make an excuse or just be honest with your son about your reasons, depending on your relationship. Then hope it fizzles out soon. If not, you might have to grit your teeth and meet him at some point, but a 6 week relationship is very new, it may not last.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 18/12/2023 09:12

puncheur · 18/12/2023 09:08

Agreed. Totally standard gay dating scenario. Twas ever thus.

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I don't want to speculate too much about reasons, never having been a young gay man, but there does seem to be a "mentor"/"introduction to grown-up gay life" aspect.

Ilovehersomuch · 18/12/2023 09:13

SylvieLaufeydottir · 18/12/2023 09:12

I don't want to speculate too much about reasons, never having been a young gay man, but there does seem to be a "mentor"/"introduction to grown-up gay life" aspect.

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Because men, generally, are creeps.

CharlotteRumpling · 18/12/2023 09:14

Catinknickers · 18/12/2023 09:08

My sister is in a similar situation her DD aged 19 was involved with 2 older men (both millionaires). 2 years on she now involved with just one of them in his forties. He actually pays my niece an allowance so she can spend time with him rather than working.

My sister is very worried but thinks it best to support her DD in whatever she wants to do. Frankly she privately sees it as no better than prostitution but would never say that. Her DD is getting trips abroad, designer clothes etc. She also says she is learning loads about the business she eventually wants to go into.

I think you have to just play along but be there to support your DS if it all goes horribly wrong.

Yeah, I would come out and say it's prostitution in this case. I wouldn't be able to stay silent. How gross.

puncheur · 18/12/2023 09:19

SylvieLaufeydottir · 18/12/2023 09:12

I don't want to speculate too much about reasons, never having been a young gay man, but there does seem to be a "mentor"/"introduction to grown-up gay life" aspect.

Show quote history

It's a pretty common setup in first lesbian relationships too.

Startingagainandagain · 18/12/2023 09:24

I would have a quiet conversation with your son and state that you are concerned about the big age difference.

It is perfectly normal to question why a 42 year old would be dating a 19 year old man.

I appreciate that it could simply be that as a gay man your son hasn't met anyone who is openly gay who he clicks with yet at university and he prefers to date someone more mature, outside his student friends group.

As someone has already said it is not unusual for gay men someone much older so this could be genuine. I think that is the age difference between Tom Daley and his husband...

But there is also a risk that this man is purposely targeting younger guys and is a potential predator/creep.

I think it is perfectly fine to voice your concerns and then let your son make his own choices.

KvotheTheBloodless · 18/12/2023 09:25

You can't and shouldn't forbid it, and you should definitely meet this guy, but YANBU to think he's a creep. You can gently express that you're worried about the power gap, but make sure you stay neutral.

I doubt it'll last, but if it does, you want your DS to be able to come to you if he isn't happy. Don't drive him away.

Justfinking · 18/12/2023 09:28

A long time ago I was 22 and he was 47. I kept him a secret from my parents and I think that's the main reason I broke it off, after many years. Can I suggest that you stay open with your son, but definitely don't give your blessing.

DonnaBanana · 18/12/2023 09:29

I’d think twice before saying anything negative. I have lots of gay friends and this sort of age gap is far more common than in straight relationships. I’m not sure why but there seems to be a thing where the older ones essentially mentor the younger ones perhaps because society doesn’t prepare a young gay person in any way whatsoever still! Either way it’s not abnormal or even uncommon in that world and I’d be less worried about a gay large age gap than a straight one.

Needsomesupport84 · 18/12/2023 09:30

I guess it worked out for Tom Daly… I think meeting him is a good idea though to get a sense of who he is as a person. He might be nice, I don’t agree that every older person in an age gap relationship is a predatory creep, although I would definitely raise my eyebrows. But if you just voice your disapproval, your DS will probably move in with him or something.

Riverstep · 18/12/2023 09:31

Could it be that a lot of men his own age haven’t come out as gay yet? That would narrow the dating pool available to ds. I don’t know what the 42 year old is playing at though. I find big age gap relationships quite gross ( irrespective of gender) .

Needsomesupport84 · 18/12/2023 09:32

DonnaBanana · 18/12/2023 09:29

I’d think twice before saying anything negative. I have lots of gay friends and this sort of age gap is far more common than in straight relationships. I’m not sure why but there seems to be a thing where the older ones essentially mentor the younger ones perhaps because society doesn’t prepare a young gay person in any way whatsoever still! Either way it’s not abnormal or even uncommon in that world and I’d be less worried about a gay large age gap than a straight one.

Yeah same. And I wouldn’t have the same concerns as in a heterosexual relationship either, ie the young person being pressured into things like marriage or kids before they are ready.

GettingStuffed · 18/12/2023 09:32

I dated men about that age when as was your son's age. I wouldn't worry too much as no doubt it won't last forever. Saying that my uncle was about 20 years older than my aunt and they were very happily married.

I know you want to protect your son but as I was advised let your adult make their own mistakes but be there to help them pick up the pieces

hjytrjulykuyh · 18/12/2023 09:34

Once my child is old enough, even if I had thoughts on an age gap I certainly wouldn't express it. That only leads to them being alienated, pushing the two together more, less likelihood he'll turn to you for support if it's not going well. I would on the face of it be very supportive, invite the partner over for dinner to meet them and treat them like any couple.

HoneyButterPopcorn · 18/12/2023 09:37

I can’t imagine dating someone the same age as my son. Good lord - nothing in common, no shared memories or growing up stories, gaggle of 19 year old friends…

But as people have said, maybe it’s not such a big thing with gay men. However I haven’t really seen it with lesbian relationships. Maybe it’s a boy/wealth & power thing.

Moonlaserbearwolf · 18/12/2023 09:40

I don’t think you should be concerned based on age. Meet this boyfriend and see what he’s like. I have a few gay friends who are all going out with or married to much older men. They all met in their early 20s and are still together 25 years later. One friend was 21 and going out with a man 30 years older. They married 15 years ago and still together now they are 45 and 75. Another friend married his partner who was 15 years older.
I know this is only my experience, but I honestly wouldn’t judge on age before meeting someone.

Gnomegnomegnome · 18/12/2023 09:43

Meet him before you judge.

Ilovehersomuch · 18/12/2023 09:47

Gnomegnomegnome · 18/12/2023 09:43

Meet him before you judge.

This is insane to me.

The fact he's sleeping with a 19 year old tells me everything I need to know about this man.

It's not judgement. It's realisation of fact. He's a predator.

VanityDiesHard · 18/12/2023 09:47

NutellaNut · 18/12/2023 09:11

Your friend ”doesn’t feel that his behaviour is predatory” Well that’s her view, others would beg to differ.

Personally I think it’s creepy as hell. It’s a bit like the Philip Schofield situation. What he did wasn’t illegal, but he was widely condemned for inappropriate behaviour with a much younger man.

I think I’d avoid meeting this 42 year old creep at Christmas - either make an excuse or just be honest with your son about your reasons, depending on your relationship. Then hope it fizzles out soon. If not, you might have to grit your teeth and meet him at some point, but a 6 week relationship is very new, it may not last.

What was so bad about Scofield IMO was the fact that he had known Matthew since Matthew was about 11. That is what takes it into full on grooming.

Circlesandsquares10 · 18/12/2023 09:48

The gay community can be very different when it comes to age gap relationships. The "older man / younger man" can absolutely be a perfectly normal dynamic / type that people go for. I have close friends who are gay and in the same age bracket as your ds' partner and they have been with younger guys, many are just as youthful and well kept and it's not seen as strange at all within the relationship. I think you need to meet him and reserve your judgement, see if you get a good feeling, if he's a sensible person your ds might even be better off with someone who's been round the block a few times.

CrapBucket · 18/12/2023 09:49

FaiIureToLunch · 18/12/2023 09:06

Meet him, find common ground and it would be such a turn off for the average teenager

This is what I was going to say!

baroqueandblue · 18/12/2023 09:52

Age gap relationships don’t bother me but this is something completely different.

@Sirzy what's so different about this that bothers you?

throwawayimplantchat · 18/12/2023 09:52

Circlesandsquares10 · 18/12/2023 09:48

The gay community can be very different when it comes to age gap relationships. The "older man / younger man" can absolutely be a perfectly normal dynamic / type that people go for. I have close friends who are gay and in the same age bracket as your ds' partner and they have been with younger guys, many are just as youthful and well kept and it's not seen as strange at all within the relationship. I think you need to meet him and reserve your judgement, see if you get a good feeling, if he's a sensible person your ds might even be better off with someone who's been round the block a few times.

It might not be unusual but the power dynamic between someone only a year into adulthood and a 40+ year old means it is still very unhealthy.

I don't think a genuinely well adjusted, decent and kind 40 something is happy shagging a 19 year old.

I'm in my mid thirties and the thought of shagging someone 19 is gross. They're barely out of school.