Ds 19 dating a 42 year old

[Stellarx]

Morning,

i’m struggling to know what to do for the best regard in this situation with my son, 19. My son is openly gay, we are really proud of him for being who he is. He goes to university full-time but has a part-time job in the town where we live. About six weeks ago I found out that he has been seeing a guy that works there. The problem is this guy is 42 years old.

I just can’t get my head around it. Before anyone asks, I know that I would feel the same if he was seeing a 42-year-old woman. The same time I accept that he is an adult and that ultimately he can do what he wants without my approval.

I have spoken to a close friend who also works at the same place. She understands my points but has also told me that this guy is really nice and she doesn’t feel that his behaviour is predatory.

DS has stayed at his house the last couple of weekends so I assume they are having sex.

he has asked me if I would consider meeting this guy at some point over Christmas to break the ice. Every bit of me wants to scream no!! My worry is if I do that I will end up losing my son.

AIBU??

The man is a creep with poor morals, there is no doubt about that. However you're still better off meeting him. You need a poker face. Don't let DS know how much you hate this or you'll just make it more interesting, and you'll alienate him.

As you said he's an adult and therefore can make his own decisions. As parents we sometimes don't approve but sometimes you have to bite your tongue and support him even if you don't agree. Chances are , he's only 19, this relationship may fizzle out at some point.
But to scream no and express your disapproval may push your son away.
If you start seeing patterns of some kind of abuse, obviously then it's OK to speak up . But if they seem happy and the relationship appears healthy, leave them be

I don't think it's the fact they're gay that means people have more of an issue, I think it's the fact that the younger one is so young.

20 year age gaps when people are 35 and 55 don't have the same worrying power imbalance as ones when people are 19 and 39, for example. Whether straight or gay.

As they are both adults, there's nothing you can do about it but I'd want to keep an eye on the relationship. You can better do that if you meet him and spend time with him.

Also agree with this.

Contrary to what many people think on here, there nothing wrong with dating someone older.

But here we have a 42 year old, with a teenager. He could be a fresher or even still in sixth form/college (if he retook a year). It's not like dating someone 21+ who's actually worked a day in their life, who you might actually click with (for something other than sex)

I bet this grown man hides this to others because he knows it raises an eyebrow.

It’s a very common age gap in LGBT culture. Anthropologically speaking, it’s very interesting, if sad. It became even more prevalent following the AIDS crisis as you had gay men whose friendship groups and entire dating pools had been wiped out so the lone survivors gravitated towards a younger crowd. The teens in those relationships are now the 40 somethings and are repeating the pattern.

Yeah it's a no from me.

I have no idea WHAT kind of 42 year old person would want to date a teenager. It's just wrong on every level. And yeah I WOULD say the same if they were a couple of opposite sexes!

Sadly, as your son is 19, there is nothing you can do about it, except tolerate it, and be there when he needs you. Of course you need to talk to him and tell him how unhappy you are, but you really cannot stop him.

What on earth can they possibly have in common? They're at completely different stages in their life.

I do feel for you. All the best.

Lovely 42 year olds have sex with teenagers.

It's really grim and predatory.

This is really grim. I am mid 30s and even mid 20s would seem too young for me.

Realistically at 19 this relationship won’t last. I think it’s fine to express major concerns to your son, but note that he is likely to tell you to do one!

As a student, I had a relationship with a 42-year-old. In the back of my mind, I saw it as a learning experience. I would now say he wasn't a good person but, as far as the dating and the learning experience went, it was fine for me at the time.

After several months, I started to realise his character flaws and to notice the physical age differences; I ended it and he moved on to another 20-year-old 🙄

I think it's fine for you to express caution to your DS, and I also think it's better to meet the man. Maybe frame it to DS as a learning experience, too?

Yeah, all my gay friends have had similar relationship age gaps at first too. Two of my gay friends are with guys twenty or more years older. They are 40 themselves now, though in their early 20s when they originally met. It does seem to be more common.

Just meet him. The reason why people say to play nice is otherwise your son, all loved up, may tell you to get lost and then won't confide in you if anything goes wrong or stay in a bad relationship to prove you wrong. I certainly wouldn't have listened to my parents at that age about my relationships and did stay longer than I should rather than admit I'd been wrong.

But my real concern is the work power dynamic. I always advise not getting involved with colleagues anyway but a senior colleague could cause a lot of problems down the line with your son feeling trapped if he wanted to end it.

You need to sit down and talk with DS in a very gentle but frank way. I don't agree with all the posters saying there's nothing you can do as he's 19. Yes maybe legally an adult but mentally still a teenager. I don't think most people really mature properly until well into their 20s tbh.

Whilst you can't forbid him from seeing this guy you can gently voice your concerns.

On a side note, is your DS a older looking 19 year or a young looking 19 year old? If you catch my drift...as this also would also influence what I'd think about this guy's motivations. Either way the ages and power dynamic here just screams red flags.

As usual when it comes down to it mumsnet is heteronormative. As many others have pointed out this is perfectly normal for both gay and lesbians.

Of course you keep a watchful eye and be ready to support but please don't presume this is out of the ordinary amongst his sexual orientation peer group.

Partner??? They've been seeing each other 6 weeks??

Sounds like a predator. However my only concession is that the gay dating pool must be quite small which could have been part of it. I would feel very uncomfortable if this was my son as it’s not an equal playing field.

I think there is a lot of heteronormative projection, verging on homophobia. in these replies. The fact is that gay relationships, and gay culture is NOT like heterosexual culture. These daddy-twink relationships are normalised in gay culture and are a common introduction to the scene. Going to a sauna or bath house or even just bars and clubs is pretty terrifying for a young lad on their own, especially one who may not have had any contact with scene culture. These early relationships are often more like a 'mentor' relationship into gay culture - some gay men even liken it to the relationships that a teacher would have with pupils in ancient Greek culture.

It's uncomfortable for straights, a lot of gay culture is - I get it. But it's been going on forever and as long as relationships are legal I think you are just going to have to accept it.

Funny how so many posters know soooo many same-sex couples where the one is middle aged and the other is a teenager. I know a number of same-sex couples (female and male) and they are all no more than 7-8 years apart in age. Except one lesbian couple who have been together 10 years and one is 12 years older than the other. But they were 30 and 42 when they met. The younger one was not a fucking teenager.

You can't be serious. Go with friends your own age then? Don't take a teenager to a sauna, and don't go with someone old enough to be your dad.

When I was in sixth form, my gay friends had relationships like this. It was still weird, the fact that it's normalised to some people doesn't make it less so.

I would advise keeping quiet about your concerns OP. Keep communications open and hope it doesn't last.

I had to deal with almost exactly the same situation with my DS. 5 years ago DS (then 21) brought home a guy aged 37. Not quite as wide an age gap as the OP's DS; but still a concern. The guy actually moved into our family home as he was in rent arrears and being evicted. My DS did ask if he could do so. I knew if I didn't agree then my DS would probably move to his place and pay off his rent arrears.

So it turned out the guy was an alcoholic and got nasty when drunk. He discovered that my DS had a lot of money saved up and suggested they buy a house together. DS had to buy the house in his own name as his partner had a terrible credit score. He had brief jobs but always got the sack. The guy was completely obsessed with DS and it was almost a fatal obsession situation.

They moved out a year after he had moved in with us. I was terribly worried about DS due to both the age gap and the alcoholism. But I kept quiet as DS and I are very close and I didn't want to alienate him.

11 months after they moved out the guy had been drinking continually for several weeks. I was ill and been in hospital. I couldn't understand why DS didn't come to see me. It turned out that he was too worried to leave his partner as he thought he would try to drive the car whilst drunk (during lockdown so DS on furlough). One night his partner went out to buy more alcohol and stabbed someone. He has been in prison over 3 years now with at least another 3 years to go. At first DS said he would support him and be there for him after release. I went along with that whilst inwardly hoping he would change his mind.

DS has recently severed all ties with him and has started dating someone his own age.
I am so relieved but very aware that I could have lost DS if I had been openly against the relationship.

Outrageous. Sorry they are still kids at that age. Adult should know better. Gay or not is irrelevant I would feel the same for any sexual relationship between those ages.

Not sure how I would play it as a parent. Keep your enemies close probably.

I think parents can express resevations to their 19 year old kids, but only to a point.

I also would say that in general I am much more blase about age gap relationships than most of mumsnet, and if your son were just a few years older I really would not care if the bf was personally ok. But I think 19 and just out of schooling is not great.

That being said, it's still the case that in the gay community, and I mean specifically the gay male community, this kind of thing can be seen somewhat differently. That's changing a bit, but more slowly than some might like - it's not all Heartstopper.. Which actually would make me tend to wonder how serious the "relationship" really is.

I tend to take the view that young people should not be introducing their parents to partners who will likely be fairly temporary, so I might put it off until it seemed clearer it would last. But tat's partly because I find meeting new people stressful - if you like it, it may not matter to you. I'd also wonder to what degree your son is aware that this may well be a fairly short liaison. He might end up with a broken heart, which will be hard but maybe in some ways a useful learning experience if he realizes that's not the kind of thing he wants.

Ewww, Phillip Schofield vibes. I wouldn’t be happy about this OP whatever the sex of either participant. I would definitely want to meet him, keep your enemies close and all that. Be perfectly polite and treat your son like an adult, but explain your concerns to him.

Gosh @Oneblindmouse that is awful! I am glad your son managed to get away from this awful man. I do feel like if the age gap had been much closer, like 21 and say, 25, this probably would not have happened, as very few people of 25-ish would behave like this - IMO, and IME. Hope you and your son and your family are all OK now. ❤

I think that you should meet this guy and form
your own opinion. Also, as PP have said, it will be better to keep an eye on things than to fail to acknowledge it and have DS be all cloak and dagger about it so you don’t see any red flags.