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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds 19 dating a 42 year old

180 replies

Stellarx · 18/12/2023 07:11

Morning,

i’m struggling to know what to do for the best regard in this situation with my son, 19. My son is openly gay, we are really proud of him for being who he is. He goes to university full-time but has a part-time job in the town where we live. About six weeks ago I found out that he has been seeing a guy that works there. The problem is this guy is 42 years old.

I just can’t get my head around it. Before anyone asks, I know that I would feel the same if he was seeing a 42-year-old woman. The same time I accept that he is an adult and that ultimately he can do what he wants without my approval.

I have spoken to a close friend who also works at the same place. She understands my points but has also told me that this guy is really nice and she doesn’t feel that his behaviour is predatory.

DS has stayed at his house the last couple of weekends so I assume they are having sex.

he has asked me if I would consider meeting this guy at some point over Christmas to break the ice. Every bit of me wants to scream no!! My worry is if I do that I will end up losing my son.

AIBU??

OP posts:
HamBone · 18/12/2023 14:43

@DonnaBanana Eh? Are you suggesting that a person’s sexuality makes them somehow “different” from others the same age? That being a gay 19-year-old makes him different from a straight 19-year-old?

That’s so offensive and homophobic.

throwawayimplantchat · 18/12/2023 14:46

@DonnaBanana

Young men can stand up for themselves in these relationships, they know what they are doing.

What does this even mean?

19 year old males are magically more able to 'stand up for themselves' in relationships with massive age gaps than 19 year old females?

Soontobe60 · 18/12/2023 14:48

Ilovehersomuch · 18/12/2023 08:32

Because it's vile?

And any man who is that age and has sex with a boy barely out of childhood is a creep.

I'm 38 and I have a 19 year old son. I could NEVER see anyone under the age of 25 sexually. My son and his friends are still extremely childlike.

Hitting 19 doesn't make you an adult, I might legally but there's no magic bell at midnight that makes you mature.

Especially this generation of 19 year old who lived through covid and were socially held back for YEARS.

This is a teenage boy with someone who could easily be his father. It's disgusting and I absolutely would not meet him.

Show quote history

I agree with much of what you say, but I WOULD want to meet him. I’d want to know who what sort of 42 year old person wants to have sex with someone who’s barely left childhood.
OP, 3 years ago, when your Ds was almost 16, this man would have been 39. How would you have felt then?

Newsenmum · 18/12/2023 14:49

I agree 19 is very young. How mature is your son for his age? How happy does he seem?
As hard as it is to hear, this will be the first of a few relationships where he finds his feet. Yes he is older and may not be after anything longterm, but he might also be kind to him and a good boyfriend for the time being. I would agree to meet him even though it will be hard! Keep him close and love and support him. You will be there whatever goes down. Also give this guy a hard stare when he sees you 🤣

Newsenmum · 18/12/2023 14:50

Soontobe60 · 18/12/2023 14:48

I agree with much of what you say, but I WOULD want to meet him. I’d want to know who what sort of 42 year old person wants to have sex with someone who’s barely left childhood.
OP, 3 years ago, when your Ds was almost 16, this man would have been 39. How would you have felt then?

Show quote history

With all due respect, it didn’t happen then and hopefully he would have left him alone at that age. 16-19 is still a decent difference. I think she really has to meet this guy first.

HamBone · 18/12/2023 14:54

I imagine you’re much closer in age to the partner, OP, and I’d be really tempted to drop in a few reminiscences when you meet him…remember X in 2004, I loved that band/film, I was pregnant with DS at the time, etc. 😈

Lelophants · 18/12/2023 14:54

puncheur · 18/12/2023 10:21

I think there is a lot of heteronormative projection, verging on homophobia. in these replies. The fact is that gay relationships, and gay culture is NOT like heterosexual culture. These daddy-twink relationships are normalised in gay culture and are a common introduction to the scene. Going to a sauna or bath house or even just bars and clubs is pretty terrifying for a young lad on their own, especially one who may not have had any contact with scene culture. These early relationships are often more like a 'mentor' relationship into gay culture - some gay men even liken it to the relationships that a teacher would have with pupils in ancient Greek culture.

It's uncomfortable for straights, a lot of gay culture is - I get it. But it's been going on forever and as long as relationships are legal I think you are just going to have to accept it.

I also understand this and think it is slightly different when you take away the sexism of male/female. Let us know what he’s like op!

AlwaysGinPlease · 18/12/2023 14:57

It's grim either way, whatever sex the people are. Nothing to do with homophobia, it's just gross, that age gap.

Jaxhog · 18/12/2023 15:02

Meet him sooner rather than later, and keep it neutral. It's the only way to find out what you're dealing with.

Str8talkin · 18/12/2023 15:09

This reply has been deleted

This was started by a persistent troll.

HamBone · 18/12/2023 15:15

This reply has been deleted

This was started by a persistent troll.

@Str8talkin Do you think that being a gay teenager makes you an outsider nowadays? My 18 and 15-year-old would disagree with you. Being in a same sex relationship is really common among their age group and certainly doesn’t affect a person’s popularity.

Str8talkin · 18/12/2023 15:16

This reply has been deleted

This was started by a persistent troll.

Str8talkin · 18/12/2023 15:18

This reply has been deleted

This was started by a persistent troll.

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 18/12/2023 15:23

DonnaBanana · 18/12/2023 14:36

Can we stop this acceptance of much older men predating on very young men because they are gay thing please? Firstly, it’s deeply homophobic to excuse predatory behaviour because being gay puts them outside the usual expectations of acceptable behaviour

Excuse me for one second, you saying that accepting relationships like this is wrong because gay age difference relationships are "predatory" is even more homophobic. If you spent any time with gay people and especially gay men you would know it is not generally about that in the way it would usually be with a 42 year old man dating a 19 year old woman. Young men can stand up for themselves in these relationships, they know what they are doing.

Bullshit. Suggesting it’s different with gay men and that young naive inexperienced men know what they’re doing and can stand up for themselves is disgusting, irresponsible, and misogynistic.

HamBone · 18/12/2023 15:30

This reply has been deleted

This was started by a persistent troll.

@Str8talkin I can only share my teens’ experiences, but according to them, more ppl identify as non-straight than straight at their schools and openly have same-sex relationships. 🤷

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 18/12/2023 15:31

That’s a homophobic generalisation if I ever heard one. And anyway, if somebody has always felt like the odd one out, don’t you think that makes them more vulnerable?

PrawnLiberationFront · 18/12/2023 15:31

I agree age gaps are more normalised in gay culture but that doesn't make it a "daddy-twink" relationship and that's honestly quite a homophobic assumption in itself, that it must be a kink/sex thing. It's my experience age gaps are more common partly because the dating pool is smaller in general, and also because with the usual heterosexual assumptions about marriage and kids removed, it matters less if two people are at the same life stage and more just that they fancy each other and get along.

OracleofAragorn · 18/12/2023 15:37

I can understand your view in many ways its similar concept with the age gap and cougar women

CurlewKate · 18/12/2023 15:42

@Str8talkin This is fairly standard for gay guys and there's nothing wrong with it. He'll likely be a good influence."

It is more common among gay men, yes. That does not mean that there is never anything wrong with it, or that he is likely to automatically be a good influence. To be honest, it's a pretty outdated trope anyway.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 18/12/2023 15:46

Ilovehersomuch · 18/12/2023 08:32

Because it's vile?

And any man who is that age and has sex with a boy barely out of childhood is a creep.

I'm 38 and I have a 19 year old son. I could NEVER see anyone under the age of 25 sexually. My son and his friends are still extremely childlike.

Hitting 19 doesn't make you an adult, I might legally but there's no magic bell at midnight that makes you mature.

Especially this generation of 19 year old who lived through covid and were socially held back for YEARS.

This is a teenage boy with someone who could easily be his father. It's disgusting and I absolutely would not meet him.

Show quote history

I agree. I think the balance here is not right and the 19 year old may even be undecided as to whether he is actually gay or not or bisexual. I’ve known a few older gay men who target younger men with flattery and money and lifestyle and in one case got the younger man (who was 18) to ditch and not see his family anymore as he felt they were a bad influence. They weren’t homophobic either. I think if the gap was a bit less I’d be happier about it. I’d say the same if a woman was in a similar situation and I’ve been in similar too (re age) and admit I was naive and was either taken advantage of or went into it partly with wide open eyes.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 18/12/2023 15:48

PrawnLiberationFront · 18/12/2023 15:31

I agree age gaps are more normalised in gay culture but that doesn't make it a "daddy-twink" relationship and that's honestly quite a homophobic assumption in itself, that it must be a kink/sex thing. It's my experience age gaps are more common partly because the dating pool is smaller in general, and also because with the usual heterosexual assumptions about marriage and kids removed, it matters less if two people are at the same life stage and more just that they fancy each other and get along.

I agree to a certain degree that the dating pool for gay guys is smaller than for heterosexuals but friending on the city they’re in, I’ve known of a few gay men and women who are the same or similar ages (some did inter-date between themselves of course!) and had a wider pool in which to date.

Diamonde · 18/12/2023 16:05

I also understand this and think it is slightly different when you take away the sexism of male/female. Let us know what he’s like op!

There is no 19yo that needs to be in a 22 year age gap relationship fresh out of school + homosexual relationships can still have power imbalances and abuse (not saying that's the case here, but seriously, come on)

BigDahliaFan · 18/12/2023 16:08

Meet him.

But talk to your son about it all - I think most reasonable 19 year olds would understand a parent being a bit concerned. But not if you haven't made any effort at all to meet him and get to know him.

Kill the relationship with kindness if needs be...

TempestTost · 18/12/2023 16:20

DonnaBanana · 18/12/2023 14:36

Can we stop this acceptance of much older men predating on very young men because they are gay thing please? Firstly, it’s deeply homophobic to excuse predatory behaviour because being gay puts them outside the usual expectations of acceptable behaviour

Excuse me for one second, you saying that accepting relationships like this is wrong because gay age difference relationships are "predatory" is even more homophobic. If you spent any time with gay people and especially gay men you would know it is not generally about that in the way it would usually be with a 42 year old man dating a 19 year old woman. Young men can stand up for themselves in these relationships, they know what they are doing.

No, they are saying this particular age gap is a problem without any regard to the sex of the people involved.

You are the one suggesting it's ok for a gay relationship because of "culture."

Lochness1975 · 18/12/2023 16:20

I’m 43 with an 18 year old at uni so the same age gap. My sons still a kid, he’s only just become an adult. I’d find it really weird if he said he was dating someone my age- he thinks I’m ancient!