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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds 19 dating a 42 year old

180 replies

Stellarx · 18/12/2023 07:11

Morning,

i’m struggling to know what to do for the best regard in this situation with my son, 19. My son is openly gay, we are really proud of him for being who he is. He goes to university full-time but has a part-time job in the town where we live. About six weeks ago I found out that he has been seeing a guy that works there. The problem is this guy is 42 years old.

I just can’t get my head around it. Before anyone asks, I know that I would feel the same if he was seeing a 42-year-old woman. The same time I accept that he is an adult and that ultimately he can do what he wants without my approval.

I have spoken to a close friend who also works at the same place. She understands my points but has also told me that this guy is really nice and she doesn’t feel that his behaviour is predatory.

DS has stayed at his house the last couple of weekends so I assume they are having sex.

he has asked me if I would consider meeting this guy at some point over Christmas to break the ice. Every bit of me wants to scream no!! My worry is if I do that I will end up losing my son.

AIBU??

OP posts:
DIYandEatCake · 18/12/2023 17:28

I would feel massively worried too if it were either of my kids (they’re younger so not at that point yet. But I’d meet him - better the devil you know - and act friendly, try to get the boy(man)friend talking a bit. I think it’s ok to tell your son that you’re worried about him being taken advantage of/getting hurt, as you love him, without directly criticising his partner. If it helps to know, one of my housemates at university had a relationship with a man in his late 40s when she was 20, everyone expected the worst but they were both happy and lasted about a year, he was kind and respectful. My best friend’s parents had a 30-year age gap and met when her mum was at university. Thats not to say your son’s partner’s motives are necessarily all good, but it’s not impossible that he’ll be treated well and respected.

DC1888 · 18/12/2023 17:42

DonnaBanana · 18/12/2023 09:29

I’d think twice before saying anything negative. I have lots of gay friends and this sort of age gap is far more common than in straight relationships. I’m not sure why but there seems to be a thing where the older ones essentially mentor the younger ones perhaps because society doesn’t prepare a young gay person in any way whatsoever still! Either way it’s not abnormal or even uncommon in that world and I’d be less worried about a gay large age gap than a straight one.

Found this to be the case also...my cousin in his early 20s was with a man more than double his age.

Personally think too much is made on here about age differences. Consenting adults can do as they please.

CurlewKate · 18/12/2023 17:57

Gosh, mumsnetters all have so many gay friends! It's positively heartwarming........

TheCadoganArms · 18/12/2023 17:59

CurlewKate · 18/12/2023 17:57

Gosh, mumsnetters all have so many gay friends! It's positively heartwarming........

Why the snarky comment?

VanityDiesHard · 18/12/2023 18:02

CurlewKate · 18/12/2023 17:57

Gosh, mumsnetters all have so many gay friends! It's positively heartwarming........

Huh? I'm confused. Is that a dig at gay people, at Mumsnetters, or at both?

Cherrysoup · 18/12/2023 18:03

What can a 42 year old possibly have in common with your ds of 19? Predatory and creepy, imo, I’d say the same regardless of gender of either party.

CurlewKate · 18/12/2023 18:04

Definitely not at gay people.

Str8talkin · 18/12/2023 18:05

This reply has been deleted

This was started by a persistent troll.

Slightlyboredandseverlyconfused · 18/12/2023 18:09

Holly60 · 18/12/2023 07:17

I think you probably need to be careful not to push your son away.

I think you can clearly express your concerns to your son and outline why you are uncomfortable with it. At the same time you can't forbid him to see him so will have to accept his choices at the moment.

I also think I'd want to meet the other person- knowledge is power. I'd be wanting to spend as much time with them together as possible so I could get a grip on the dynamic.

This. I agree.

Longma · 18/12/2023 18:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

Diamonde · 18/12/2023 18:20

CurlewKate · 18/12/2023 17:57

Gosh, mumsnetters all have so many gay friends! It's positively heartwarming........

What is this even supposed to mean? Bizarre. Gay people aren't animals on safari, they're average people and most of us know a few.

Roundycippae · 18/12/2023 18:27

Meet him. Don't risk pushing your son away.
I’m gay, age gap is more common between men, IMHO.
that said, I wouldn’t like it if it was my kid but I have a dear friend who has ALWAYS gone for men 20 +’years older than him. Finally married one, and they’re very happy despite a 27 year age gap.

Roundycippae · 18/12/2023 18:29

‘Gosh, mumsnetters all have so many gay friends! It's positively heartwarming....’

nice little bit of under the radar homophobia there. Well done @CurlewKate

willWillSmithsmith · 18/12/2023 18:33

I’d be aghast if my nineteen year old son was dating a 42 yr old woman, I’d be equally aghast if he was dating a man of that age. Gay or straight it doesn’t matter, a 42 yr old thinking it’s fine to date a nineteen year old is wrong.

Algorhythum · 18/12/2023 18:35

If this thread was discussing a 19 yr old woman dating a 42yr old man I think that youd get an awful lot less of the acceptance you have on this thread.

Personally it find it strange that anyone that age would date someone so young. Totally different life stages and an imbalance of power. It just doesnt sit right. I’d be a bit gutted if this were my son.

However I think other posters are right that in order not to alienate your son you might need to show willing and meet him.

DC1888 · 18/12/2023 18:37

puncheur · 18/12/2023 10:21

I think there is a lot of heteronormative projection, verging on homophobia. in these replies. The fact is that gay relationships, and gay culture is NOT like heterosexual culture. These daddy-twink relationships are normalised in gay culture and are a common introduction to the scene. Going to a sauna or bath house or even just bars and clubs is pretty terrifying for a young lad on their own, especially one who may not have had any contact with scene culture. These early relationships are often more like a 'mentor' relationship into gay culture - some gay men even liken it to the relationships that a teacher would have with pupils in ancient Greek culture.

It's uncomfortable for straights, a lot of gay culture is - I get it. But it's been going on forever and as long as relationships are legal I think you are just going to have to accept it.

Agree with this. As you say it's a culture that goes way back in history.

To those of us who are hetero these terms can be a bit wft?.. and I must admit I was taken aback when I first heard about the age diff between my cousin and his much older partner. That was ignorance on my part.

There are younger men (sometimes referred to as twinks) who are attracted to older men (sometimes referred to as daddies)...and vice versa. That's just the way it is. Having seen first hand this type of relationship it was nothing but loving. My cousin would take offence to being seen as being "preyed on" (as a poster (ironically from the LGBT community) commented). He wasn't that much older than OP's son (very early 20s) and made his own decisions.

Yes there can be predatory relationships, but that applies to any age group. The only thing anyone can do for anyone in a relationship is always be there for them if something does go wrong.

grumpycow1 · 18/12/2023 18:42

It’s absolutely vile but you have to play it smart.

Meet the guy and kill him with kindness. Gauge your reaction based on this.

Try and talk to your son about your concerns. It may go better if you’ve shown yourself to be open and treating him like an adult. Explain about the power dynamic and being suspicious of why a 42 year old is with someone so young. Check he isn’t uncomfortable with any aspect of their relationship. Be there for your son and he is more likely to talk to you about it.

thedementedelf · 18/12/2023 18:43

My friend is 34 and has been with her partner since she was 18. He's 22 years older than her.

I don't know what the issue is. It's just a number.

HamBone · 18/12/2023 19:41

This reply has been deleted

This was started by a persistent troll.

@Str8talkin You must live somewhere v. different to me. Our next door neighbors on either side are middle-aged gay couples. Both couples are married and have been out personally and professionally for decades.

PrawnLiberationFront · 18/12/2023 19:42

DC1888 · 18/12/2023 18:37

Agree with this. As you say it's a culture that goes way back in history.

To those of us who are hetero these terms can be a bit wft?.. and I must admit I was taken aback when I first heard about the age diff between my cousin and his much older partner. That was ignorance on my part.

There are younger men (sometimes referred to as twinks) who are attracted to older men (sometimes referred to as daddies)...and vice versa. That's just the way it is. Having seen first hand this type of relationship it was nothing but loving. My cousin would take offence to being seen as being "preyed on" (as a poster (ironically from the LGBT community) commented). He wasn't that much older than OP's son (very early 20s) and made his own decisions.

Yes there can be predatory relationships, but that applies to any age group. The only thing anyone can do for anyone in a relationship is always be there for them if something does go wrong.

Show quote history

A twink is not just a young man and a daddy is not just an older man. With respect you're using words from gay culture with no idea what they actually mean and it's coming off as offensive. A twink/daddy dynamic is about what goes on in the bedroom which you can't presume here, not all gay people are kinky or fit stereotypical roles (and I don't suppose OP wants to hear about that anyway!)

ComputerMice · 18/12/2023 19:53

CharlotteRumpling · 18/12/2023 08:49

On MN posters always advice allowing your DC to make really poor decisions otherwise you will ' drive them away'. I have been able to stop my DC from making terrible decisions by talking to them.I am in my 50s and
still take my mum's advice sometimes. I am not really into this " Keep your nose out of it" style of parenting.

I have a 19 year old DS and there is no way I would stand by meekly if he were dating a 42 yr old.Luckily he thinks anyone over 40 is near death.

Hear hear. I also have guided my kids.

They are 19 and 20 (boy and girl) and I know they would find this age gap gross and creepy too. So fingers crossed.

There is nothing right or decent about this predatory sleazebag man. Shame on him.

CurlewKate · 18/12/2023 20:05

@Roundycippae "
nice little bit of under the radar homophobia there. Well done @CurlewKate"

You misunderstand me.

ComputerMice · 18/12/2023 20:09

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 18/12/2023 12:21

Oh right. Would you like to quote the bit where I said that?

how long have you been an openly out homosexual btw? I have been for many years, so I’ve seen a lot of gay culture in that time, and I can tell you that older men creeping on Twinks is not in the slightest bit unusual. Don’t be giving me any of that you can’t say bad things because it’s about the gays bullshit, because I am one of the gays, and 42-year-old men shagging 19-year-old lads is creepy as fuck, but very common indeed, and no, it’s not got anything to do with mentoring the young ones into the life, it’s because older blokes like shagging pretty young things. Gay men and straight men don’t differ in the slightest in that respect, it’s just that men tend not to try to impose sexual boundaries on other men the way they do to women so the gay male scene is basically unfettered male sexuality.

Show quote history

Thank you for your posts on here. I think we have responsibility as a society to protect our young men from older predatory men, just as much as we try and protect our young women.

CJsGoldfish · 18/12/2023 21:16

My friend is 34 and has been with her partner since she was 18. He's 22 years older than her
So not the flex you think it is.
A 40 year old man who preys on an 18yr old knows EXACTLY what he is doing. Longevity, especially in this kind of situation, does not automatically equal healthy so not sure of your point here 🤷‍♀️

Swishyfishy · 18/12/2023 21:26

I would meet him, better he is on your radar and you’re approachable if things get rocky.

you could ask your son what he thinks of the age gap. You could say that some people would think it’s a bit strange that a 42 year old is dating a 19 year old but you’re keeping an open mind

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