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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

520 replies

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 16:02

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

OP posts:
BMW6 · 17/12/2023 16:07

I'd not do anything to help her either. It's way past time to make a stand on this.

LadyBird1973 · 17/12/2023 16:08

You have to leave her to it. I know alcoholism is an illness but you cannot ruin your own lives, trying your best fix hers. The only person who can fix it is her and she won't do it.
Plus, this is your mil, not your mum, so you cannot really go against what her son and husband want to do. It would undermine them and they need your support.
The embassy will get her home and maybe it's best she feels the consequences of this.

SarcasmAndCoffee · 17/12/2023 16:10

Absolutely 100% let her figure it out on her own in these circumstances. Helping her will just enable it.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2023 16:10

You need to back off and let your partner and his sister make the decisions. It's not your place to make demands about what they should be doing for her.

CatherinedeBourgh · 17/12/2023 16:11

You would be insane and enabling her if you pay for her flight.

Time to cut her off.

Pottyberry · 17/12/2023 16:11

Sorry to hear this OP, it sounds incredibly stressful for everyone concerned. It really sounds like she needs to be sectioned as she is a danger to others. I understand your dh and dfil must be at the end of their rope, would dfil report to the police the assaults on him? If she is deemed to be dangerous action can be taken.

If it was me I would get her home, and contact gp/police and push for a section. Best wishes to you op

curtaintwitcher78 · 17/12/2023 16:12

Pay for a flight so that she can come home and assault you all some more?
Nah, every day that she's still abroad is a holiday for all of you.

Dacadactyl · 17/12/2023 16:12

It would potentially depend on the country she's in tbh. If she's in a Western country then I'd be tempted to leave her to it. If not, I'd get her back here.

Overall, wherever she is, I'd probably pay to get her back to the UK where I knew the system/knew there was a safety net and then 100% everyone should cut her off.

Everyone should go no contact with her once she's back in the UK.

GreatGateauxsby · 17/12/2023 16:13

Just stop.

You have to leave her to it.
Your partner has clearly said no.
Support him.

As hard as it is don't get further entangled in this...

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/12/2023 16:13

As the child of a similar alcoholic... leave her immediate family to decide what THEY are comfortable doing.

If thats leaving her there to stew, so be it, being the partner of or kid of a violent, nasty, delusional alcoholic is fucking horrible and having other people chip in with their 'oh but can't you just' stuff makes it worse.

Sometimes you HAVE to be strong and leave them to hit rock bottom, as it is the only thing that has a chance of making them see sense, and its much harder to do that if others are telling you to help the addict out just one more time.

She won't starve or be left there forever, someone will front up the plane ticket in the end and bring her back as the airport don't want her there, the country doesn't want her there etc etc.

Cantalever · 17/12/2023 16:14

They say you have to hit rock bottom before anything positive is possible with alcoholism. Maybe she needs to deal with this on her own. If she is bailed out again, what will have changed? Sorry not to be more positive, but if your DH and his DF want to handle it in that way, it is up to them, and best to be supportive of them.
Good luck to you all, it sounds awful.

CaroleSinger · 17/12/2023 16:14

The only way you can help an alcoholic this committed is by letting them fall and take responsibility.

invisibleoldwoman · 17/12/2023 16:16

Stay out of it. Leave it your partner and his sister. You are not helping, just support their decisions. You also need to protect your children by keeping her away from them and you and your husband need to be united with this which will be difficult if you have caused even more problems than he and his sister are already dealing with.

FictionalCharacter · 17/12/2023 16:17

I haven't voted because I can't tell which way round the AIBU is, but I agree with your husband. It's time to stop bailing her out. She needs to take responsibility for her own life.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/12/2023 16:17

LadyBird1973 · 17/12/2023 16:08

You have to leave her to it. I know alcoholism is an illness but you cannot ruin your own lives, trying your best fix hers. The only person who can fix it is her and she won't do it.
Plus, this is your mil, not your mum, so you cannot really go against what her son and husband want to do. It would undermine them and they need your support.
The embassy will get her home and maybe it's best she feels the consequences of this.

This - especially the part about her not being your own mum

Clearly she's already put all of you through hell, so it's for her immediate family to decide what's best to do and for you to support them

mathanxiety · 17/12/2023 16:18

Your DH and the DIL are absolutely correct - do not bail her out.

She is not your responsibility.

Do not rescue her. If you do, you are enabling her.

Support your husband.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 17/12/2023 16:19

Let your husband and his sister decide what they want to do with their Mum.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 17/12/2023 16:20

Leave her to it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/12/2023 16:20

The only thing to add is what the hell did "DIL" think she was doing, booking a foreign holiday for MIL when it was so obvious this kind of thing would happen?

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 16:20

I've not had contact with her. I am supporting my DH but I guess I just feel bad for her, and I know I shouldn't but I just do. I'm well aware of the effects of alcoholism. I am a child of an alcoholic mother and was badly neglected growing up, even losing a sibling to mums alcoholic behavior. I didn't come here to be patronized. I asked or advice because I just feel awful even though I KNOW deep down she needs to be left to her own devices. I just know she will b scared and confused. I guess it's just wait and see what happens. My Dh said th same.thst someone will end.ul putting her on a plane and getting her home. She's still maintaining to DH that she's done nothing wrong and it's DIL. Obvs we know it's not.

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 17/12/2023 16:21

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/12/2023 16:13

As the child of a similar alcoholic... leave her immediate family to decide what THEY are comfortable doing.

If thats leaving her there to stew, so be it, being the partner of or kid of a violent, nasty, delusional alcoholic is fucking horrible and having other people chip in with their 'oh but can't you just' stuff makes it worse.

Sometimes you HAVE to be strong and leave them to hit rock bottom, as it is the only thing that has a chance of making them see sense, and its much harder to do that if others are telling you to help the addict out just one more time.

She won't starve or be left there forever, someone will front up the plane ticket in the end and bring her back as the airport don't want her there, the country doesn't want her there etc etc.

@WiddlinDiddlin I think this is wise advice

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 16:21

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/12/2023 16:20

The only thing to add is what the hell did "DIL" think she was doing, booking a foreign holiday for MIL when it was so obvious this kind of thing would happen?

Yes, this is exactly what we said. He said he instantly regretted it and that's why he went alone. She then managed to book her own flight and turned.uo there acting like nothing happened.

OP posts:
Travelismything · 17/12/2023 16:22

Is the OP using DIL as dad in law? Who did she assault the sister in law or her partner?

ok based on update DIL = MIL partner

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 16:23

Travelismything · 17/12/2023 16:22

Is the OP using DIL as dad in law? Who did she assault the sister in law or her partner?

ok based on update DIL = MIL partner

Edited

There is no sister sorry. Its dad in law. She's assaulted all of us numerous times. The police are sick to the back teeth of her also.

OP posts:
F1ymetothetoon · 17/12/2023 16:23

Travelismything · 17/12/2023 16:22

Is the OP using DIL as dad in law? Who did she assault the sister in law or her partner?

ok based on update DIL = MIL partner

Edited

Yep confused here too.

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