Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

[AlwaysAnxiousAnnie]

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

Sorry, I should make.ot clear. DIL is dad in law. Her husband.

DIL is op's dad in law in this case, no?

I have no advice op except sympathy.

I have a family member who got stranded in another country under slightly similar circumstances. Huge crisis, bailout required etc etc. Similarly to you I was one step removed and kept urging the main family member to bail them out but they refused, like your dh, final straw moment.

Crisis family member found their way home in the end, wr actually never knew how. Borrowed the money from someone else but we never found out who.

They never did it again (continued to have problems but never such a big crisis).

@AlwaysAnxiousAnnie sometimes you just have to draw a line under it all!!! a local mother we know has just had to be housed in a temporary room miles from home because neither of her children would take her in after she became homeless! Alcohol is an addiction which some people do not want to leave. sorry

You can't help someone who has said they want to drink themselves to death. She has to decide that life is worth living. It's your partner's family, so I'd follow his lead on this.

As mentioned above my own mother was an alcoholic, I'm well aware of the addiction but I suppose I just feel bad for her.

I can understand your "need" to help her, but the truth is that she won't be remotely grateful or understanding of it. Sometimes people are just beyond helping, even though it goes against every grain to accept it.

Focus on keeping her husband safely away from her.

I'm with the majority . Just leave her there and if/when she is kicked out of which ever country she's in, stay well clear of her and don't get involved

I just feel awful even though I KNOW deep down she needs to be left to her own devices

That's understandable, OP, and FWIW you sound very decent and caring

However as they say, there's no point setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, especially when her husband's making crazy decisions like booking a joint holiday.
Even if he later decided to go alone it's obvious what was going to happen, and somehow the chaos needs to be shut down - but it won't be solved by keeping on picking the pieces up for her

I think DIL is FIL

This. It's the only way. Addicts of any kind have no reason to stop if they are always saved from the consequences of their own actions

Her husband is her next of kin, I’d keep out of it if your husband has decided to leave her to it. Legally, it’s up to your mil’s husband to sort. Morally, I wouldn’t blame him if he ignored the issue.

You probably feel the need to help because you had to be protective of your own DM growing up. Both of my parents were functioning alcoholics - I've been there. Rocking between anger with them, fear of what they might do, despair that it will never end and the desperate need to protect them. It's a horrible, confusing and confused situation.

However, your MIL sounds appalling - horribly violent and not someone you want near your child. She will destroy your family with her behaviour if you let her - push any sympathy aside and let your DH and his father deal with her.

She has alcohol induced brain damage. People can live a long time with this condition, and she could become even more violent and aggressive. Don't risk it. She could physically hurt you, or your precious child - and even if not you don't want to risk your little one seeing her terrifying behaviour.

Just step back. Sometimes you have t be cruel to be kind.

Not sure if I voted right, I voted YABU because I don’t think u should help her. Like everyone is saying she needs to sort out her own mess. I can imagine it’s very upsetting and stressful for u all and I really admire that after what we know (which I’m sure there is a whole lot more) that u still want to help her. You are a much better person than most. I think in this situation all you can do is continue to support your DH and DIL in their decisions. If u step in she won’t hit rock bottom which is where she needs to be to want professional help.

Well OP as your own mum as an alcoholic you know that there comes a point when everyone HAS to stop bailing them out, for the sake of the person themselves.

It's time for her to sink or swim. It's a point that she will have to come to at some point, inevitably. Helping her home now is just kicking the can down the road yet again.

Feel sorry for her of course, but your DH and FIL need your support and help to stop enabling her destructive behaviour.

Your timeline makes absolutely no sense.
last week she begged him to go home
So the earliest would be last Sunday.

all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court
a few days could be 3, taking it to Wednesday, attended court Thursday.

he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days
Thats 8 days in total on holiday. But they only went 3 days ago.

So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there Where’s FIL?

We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad* when did they phone, and who did they phone?

I am a recovering alcoholic,sober over 20 years,my mother was also an alcoholic and died with a wet brain.

Step away from your MIL,do not enable her! She is not your problem.Sounds as if she already has irreparable brain damage,which is not reversible.Your family need the help of Al-anon.

She has alcoholic brain damage, so there is very little chance of this being her 'rock bottom'. It's too late really as she is no longer capable of making rational decisions. Your FIL needs to be advised that the holiday was a crazy idea and that in future the only priority is his own and your safety and mental health. Leave him and your DH to decide what to do next. I absolutely sympathise with you though. Even when the alcoholic is behaving appallingly, it's hard to let them fall.

I don't know why you feel patronised OP I think people are clearly answering your question? It would seem its best to leave her there, and possibly ask for adult social services to assess on her return (however that return is facilitated), but its definitely a decision/task for your DH and the Father in law.

All you can do is call the police every time you feel threatened and refuse to bail her out ever again. That’s the only way the authorities will step up. Whilst they can keep passing the buck to her family - they will.

It sounds like MIL also thrives on the drama and is using being stranded to get sympathy, so attention is focused on DIL’s “abandoning” her and not on her own behavior which led to him leaving. Helping her is feeding the need for attention and making her feel validated. Just ignore her and move on with your lives without her. If she wants to participate she knows the rules.

I get where you are coming from OP.

She is very unwell, especially if she's experiencing alcohol induced psychosis. She must be terrified being stranded alone and not fully understanding her situation.

However, as you know, you sometimes do just have to protect yourself. It'll be tough to see, but you can only support your DH at this point.

Ah OK, that confused things. On MN father in law is FIL, DIL is daughter in law. So some of us thought her daughter in law booked a holiday for them and is somehow wrapped up in all this.

I say last week. FIL flew out last Saturday by himself. So it was this Tuesday just fine she flew out to join

Leave her there to sort it out herself.

I was just wondering that too. It sounds very much as if she needs to be sectioned, she’s obviously very ill.