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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

520 replies

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 16:02

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 17/12/2023 17:33

anythinginapinch · 17/12/2023 17:26

Those of you saying the British Embassy will sort it out and get her home ... you do realise they are funded from taxes? Just as much as a library, or the law courts, or a hospital? Why should "my taxes" be used to bring a woman home when she has a husband who promised to look after her "in sickness and in health til death do us part"?

I totally realise that they are funded from taxes. It is still their job to look after foolish Brits in trouble abroad.

She will need them to get her home, and adult social services (also taxpayer funded) to take some control when she gets back, not the family she has abused and put through hell.

""In sickness and in health" and "until death us do part" be fucked. Do you think that just because people might be married they should just let themselves be seriously abused?

UnaOfStormhold · 17/12/2023 17:34

I don't blame your family for not wanting to deal with the mess this person is creating but I agree with @GHSP that it seems a bit rough on the consular staff who are having to deal with the situation.

Nanaof1 · 17/12/2023 17:34

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2023 16:10

You need to back off and let your partner and his sister make the decisions. It's not your place to make demands about what they should be doing for her.

I think the "DIL" in this case is Dad-in-law. Not sure why OP is using DIL instead of FIL.

saraclara · 17/12/2023 17:38

Her being stuck there is not your problem.

I cannot think why your father in law thought it was a good idea to book a holiday with her, and after going alone didn't guess that she'd come after him.

But it's his decision now, with his son's backing. So stay out of it.

I hope he's realised that the bill for getting her back will cost vastly more of the consulate sorts it though. It's not a freebie.

ClematisBlue49 · 17/12/2023 17:39

I'd always assumed that if anyone was flown home by an Embassy, then they would bill the family, and if that's the case your FIL will still end up paying if it cannot be reclaimed from her directly.

I understand the rationale for leaving her to it, but if something really bad (potentially fatal) were to happen, how would your FIL / DH feel?

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be concerned about your MIL, but it may be for the best to draw a line under your support for her once she is home. Your FIL will have to make his own decision on that score.

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 17:40

Just to add, adult social services are aware of her and they have regular check ins with her but they are saying she has capacity so they cannot intervene until she is deemed to have no capacity. Because she can recall information and retain information short and long term, her capacity is not in question which is why we are struggling to get her some proper help.

OP posts:
saraclara · 17/12/2023 17:40

anythinginapinch · 17/12/2023 17:26

Those of you saying the British Embassy will sort it out and get her home ... you do realise they are funded from taxes? Just as much as a library, or the law courts, or a hospital? Why should "my taxes" be used to bring a woman home when she has a husband who promised to look after her "in sickness and in health til death do us part"?

Oh she and her husband will get a bill. The staff there will get her home, but she'll be billed for the flight and anything else like that.

pinguins · 17/12/2023 17:41

You all sound like enablers TBH. I think you could all benefit from joining Al-anon for relatives of alcoholics and working through your issues.

To those saying that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom, it's a bullshit myth perpetrated by Hollywood and Televangelists. Most alcoholics and addicts just erode their dignity and body until they die and don't get a "second chance". If there's an alcoholic in your life, don't bank on them changing, ever.

BIossomtoes · 17/12/2023 17:44

pinguins · 17/12/2023 17:41

You all sound like enablers TBH. I think you could all benefit from joining Al-anon for relatives of alcoholics and working through your issues.

To those saying that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom, it's a bullshit myth perpetrated by Hollywood and Televangelists. Most alcoholics and addicts just erode their dignity and body until they die and don't get a "second chance". If there's an alcoholic in your life, don't bank on them changing, ever.

It isn’t a bullshit myth as I and the millions of others with recovering alcoholics in our lives can testify.

Crooklodge · 17/12/2023 17:44

Fuck bailing her out. My fil is very similar. Every single week we would have the police or a hospital from all over Scotland on the phone in the early hours, phone is now on do not disturb overnight and our county police know not to come here as we are having fuck all to do with him anymore. I

Protect yourselves, let her fall on her arse.

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 17:44

pinguins · 17/12/2023 17:41

You all sound like enablers TBH. I think you could all benefit from joining Al-anon for relatives of alcoholics and working through your issues.

To those saying that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom, it's a bullshit myth perpetrated by Hollywood and Televangelists. Most alcoholics and addicts just erode their dignity and body until they die and don't get a "second chance". If there's an alcoholic in your life, don't bank on them changing, ever.

Firstly, I am certainly not an enabler. It doesn't make me an enabler to be concerned about her welfare in this situation. My DH hasn't even spoken to her for weeks because he is very much of the opinion that she made her bed way back when all this started and she refused the help and refused to accept she had a problem.. I know all too well about alcoholics as my own mother was an alcoholic and actually was a million times worse then my MIL, violent, neglectful just down right horrible. The point of my post was to ask if I am being unreasonable in trying to show some compassion to this lady despite everything and this horrible situation.

OP posts:
wite · 17/12/2023 17:45

I wouldn't help.

Didimum · 17/12/2023 17:46

The only thing giving me pause is the brain damage you mention – is it permanent? Is her behaviour and delusions due to the brain damage that is irreversible or are they kept going by ongoing drinking? Because if the former then hitting rock bottom or forcing her to see the consequences of her actions through refusal to help her (both things I understand in certain circumstances), is not going to make any difference. Aside from addiction, the brain damage may leave her genuinely incapable of change or improvement. So then what?

AluckyEllie · 17/12/2023 17:48

Leave her there. She won’t change and she won’t thank you if you fork out for her to come home. Enjoy the break from her!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2023 17:48

Why are you concerned about Mils welfare?. Is this because of your own feelings of fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to her?. She has not and would not ever show you any compassion given she’s an alcoholic so save your concern for someone far more deserving.

SauronsArsehole · 17/12/2023 17:48

The only thing you should be doing is help FIL secure a divorce and a safe place to stay.

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 17:48

Didimum · 17/12/2023 17:46

The only thing giving me pause is the brain damage you mention – is it permanent? Is her behaviour and delusions due to the brain damage that is irreversible or are they kept going by ongoing drinking? Because if the former then hitting rock bottom or forcing her to see the consequences of her actions through refusal to help her (both things I understand in certain circumstances), is not going to make any difference. Aside from addiction, the brain damage may leave her genuinely incapable of change or improvement. So then what?

The damage is reversible only IF she stops drinking. The more she drinks the more delirious and delusional she gets. They have said if she stops drinking and gets the help then it's likely the damage will improve but then more she drinks the more damage she does. Even when sh s sober at 8am she's still delusional.. only when all th alcohol is out of her system does she start to come round again but this takes days and we've only seen it once when she was sectioned.

OP posts:
MrsSlocombesCat · 17/12/2023 17:49

anythinginapinch · 17/12/2023 17:26

Those of you saying the British Embassy will sort it out and get her home ... you do realise they are funded from taxes? Just as much as a library, or the law courts, or a hospital? Why should "my taxes" be used to bring a woman home when she has a husband who promised to look after her "in sickness and in health til death do us part"?

I bet you don’t mind the government spaffing your taxes to friends and family though? Honestly I would be more concerned about Amazon paying zero tax on 20 billion of profit and getting 11 million from your taxes as well!

Lavenderflower · 17/12/2023 17:49

It appears she needs to have a full mental health assessment. A person can have capacity in some area and not in others.

BrownTableMat · 17/12/2023 17:49

I feel your pain, OP. Not alcoholism but I had an elderly father who went through a phase of making very unwise decisions he simply wouldn’t be talked out of, and flying off all over the world at the drop of a hat - I once had to walk out of work and was ready to get on a flight to Kuala Lumpur to pick him up (thankfully I only needed to get as far as Heathrow as he managed to get himself back to the UK).

As you’ve acknowledged, it is your FIL’s decision and I can well understand why he wants to leave her to it and I think that might well be the right choice. But unlike some PPs, I don’t think it’s an easy decision and I do feel for you.

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 17:50

Lavenderflower · 17/12/2023 17:49

It appears she needs to have a full mental health assessment. A person can have capacity in some area and not in others.

Shes had dozens of assessments. She was declared as having no capacity at one point and put on a DOLs but then this was lifted.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 17/12/2023 17:50

You are not unreasonable to feel compassion.

Alcoholism is a horrible horrible thing for the alcoholic and for their family members.

You know you can't bail her out of this but that doesn't mean you have to feel happy about it. 💐

MrsMoastyToasty · 17/12/2023 17:52

I doubt any airline will let her on a flight if she's drunk. If she's in Europe she's probably going to have to travel overland.

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 17:54

MrsMoastyToasty · 17/12/2023 17:52

I doubt any airline will let her on a flight if she's drunk. If she's in Europe she's probably going to have to travel overland.

I doubt sh will be actually drunk because she has no money apparently. My concern is she will be going into withdrawal and she will be delirious, angry, confused and quite unwell. I've seen it before with her and it's not pretty. I'm not sure that the people at the other end of even aware of the full details of the situation, although I would like to think it will be obvious to anyone that she is not well mentally.

OP posts:
OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 17/12/2023 17:55

This could be a good thing. As the authorities have to act they can no longer keep giving her and you the brush off.

But people do have the right to make bad decisions, if she understands the drinking is killing her then she does have the right to make that decision. You just need to protect yourselves and other members of the family when she self destructs.

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