Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

[AlwaysAnxiousAnnie]

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

It's down to her son and husband to decide what to do. Personally I'd leave her there. She's caused so much shit- this is the definition of fuck around and find out.

She was sectioned under a section 2. They kept her fo only a week and because she hadn't been drinking she came round a bit and started to be alot less irrational which is when they concluded they couldn't help her because it's alcohol induced and not an mental impairment. Apparently. The system is weird.

I would not be bailing her out.

DIL is usually Daughter In Law. FIL is Father In Law. That is where much of the confusion has arisen.

I'd do nothing for her and not feel bad. Leave her to her own devices. She's an alcoholic and has already made it clear that she won't stop. Back off with everyone else and don't enable her shitty behaviour. She'll just drag you down with her otherwise.

Your lives will be so much better without her in them.

It’s your in laws. It’s not your decision.

I'm the daughter of an alcoholic turned heroin addict, so well aware of the shitshow they can make life for all around them.

With alcohol induced brain damage, there would have been signs things were getting bad with her health.
She didn't pay heed, continued and is now in this state.
My advice? DIL needs to formally separate from her, and move out permanently and file for divorce.
Then the kids (I think you've said that DH has a brother?) Need to practice
"Sorry, we cannot help. We have families of our own that need protecting from her. We will not be accepting further involvement, at this point she is beyond our help, and all our involvement ensures is that we get assaulted"
Do not answer the phone to her, do not answer the door to her.
Call the police, again and again, and again.

Eventually SS will pick her up because she's a danger to herself, cannot take care of herself and is a danger to everyone else too.

I am so sorry you're all going through this. I posted about similar with my father last week. I keep getting calls and it feels terrible, but when they get to this situation, they usually haven't cared about anyone else for a very long time. There's always been help that they haven't accepted, and it's unfair that family is then expected to step in and care for them, when they've been hurt, time and time again.

Please take comfort in the fact you are safeguarding your young child from this.

It's a situation of her own creation. She knows when she drinks it all goes tits up , but she does it anyway because people bail her out. Being a bit frightened might put it all into perspective for her, she's a grown adult and has to get herself out of her own messes. Feeling sorry for her is fine but sorting her messes because of that pity isn't. Addicts feed on pity .
I'd an alcoholic mother and sibling and I've been through it so many times but leaving them to figure it out is the best thing for them.

If anyone should be getting her back it's her husband who was daft enough to take her back, book a holiday & try to rein in her drinking whilst on holiday!

I wouldn't be helping her either.
Anyway it's DH's and FIL's decision whether to send money for the flight or not. If they have decided not to, then you have to go along with that because she is not your mother.
It could be the wake up call she needs or it might mean that social services/GP start taking this seriously.

The British Embassy can not make your FIL or DH fork out the money to get her back.

It’s a terrible situation but it’s hardly fair to dump the responsibility on the consular staff at the embassy.

Where on earth does all the money come from for the alcohol and trips abroad??

I'm assuming neither work

I absolutely 100 percent know it's not my decision.. I would never go against my DH or FIL. I guess I just feel bad for hat she is there all by herself and probably upset and confused in a strange place. I know it's self inflicted and frankly I know this should be her rock bottom. I just feel awful for her so I wanted to see what other people thought. I have no intention of singlehandedly bailing her out or going against my my DH. I guess I just hoped someone would agree with me.in the sense that we can't just leave her there. I dunno. It's hard to explain. I don't want to see enable her but at the same time I don't like to think of her there all alone and scared and confused.

I've not read any replies from other posters just yours.
Yes we all know alcoholism can be an addiction but like smoking it's self addiction.

It does sound like not only you but others have done all you can to try and help your MIL and she knows that you'll continue to do so that's why she continues instead of facing up to her drinking and seeking proper help.

One lesson I've learnt in life is that you can't help someone that's not willing to help themselves and by your own addmission your MIL doesn't even acknowledge that she has a problem so in this instance I'm afraid I'd be on my DH's side and let your MIL sort this one out herself.

Unless she’s somewhere dangerous like Somalia, leave her.

The husband, your FIL, is the one who will have access to bank accounts. He should be buying the plane ticket.

then he needs to get a divorce.

your husband should probably tell his mother that the only contact he wants from her is if she wants assistance accessing treatment.

if she addresses her condition, then and only then can you have a relationship with strong boundaries.

Sorry op. What an awful situation to be in. I don't think anyone was trying to patronise you - and I'm sure this must all seem horribly overwhelming but your need to rescue her no doubt comes from perhaps feeling helpless to save your own mum so you feel drawn to 'rectify' the situation.

I agree with others though, this is not your problem to solve, and hard though it is, you must try to put your feelings aside. She cannot be helped. I do hope you are getting support for your own trauma though. You deserve help for such a difficult childhood

She would be a risk on a flight as well OP. Headlines: "Holiday Flight diverted to somewhere else, crazy woman taken into custody".
Hope something improves for your family soon.

I think there needs to be an element of leaving her to her own devices but I don’t think it should happen whilst she’s stranded in another country. You all know she needs to come home, even the embassy know it.
Once she’s back home, leaver her to it. But she needs to come home.

I'd save your sympathy for her husband and son and all the other family members whose lives she's turned upside down.

You can't do anything - it's not up to you. So stop beating yourself up.

Your FIL is in an abusive relationship by the sounds of it. He’s taken a decision to protect himself. I think you need to stay out of it.

She is obviously seriously ill and needs treatment either abroad or back here in the UK. That will involve some co operation from her though. Alcoholism is dreadful and unless she wants to quit the habit is hard to kick and leaving her alone in a strange country doesn't sound like it will help.

I do get why her family seem to be washing their hands of her though. You cannot really do anything against her husbands and sons wishes so best leave them to it.

If you've had SS involvement because of your DC then you need to protect them.

It's time she was left to sort it out and none of you should be involved.

OP, you grew up learning to pity, support and help an alcoholic and old habits die hard. Be kind to yourself. Its not your job to spend your life trying to scrape one person after another from the floor. You know it doesn't work for them and you know how much extra suffering it causes everyone else in the process. Save your support and emotional energy for those it will benefit.

Leave her.

Been through this with my own MIL.

It never ends. There's always another episode.

DH decided enough was enough and I agreed.

Your FIL sounds like he might be making things worse, in a way. I know of someone who is a problem drinker. Her partner is controlling in many ways anyway, and his attitude to her drinking is one of controlling it by controlling her. He reigns in her drinking, stops her cards, etc and not surprisingly this just makes her more likely to push back. So not very productive.

This person does manage to stop drinking sometimes. Her partner won't give up drinking himself, and is happy to go off to the pub to watch football and drink beer.