Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

[AlwaysAnxiousAnnie]

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

If you keep bailing her out it doesn't actually help her it just saves her from taking any responsibility or facing any real consequences

This. And if she is aggressive or abusive they will refuse her and may involve the medics if she is unwell. What country is she in? I'd let the embassy sort it. They can claim the money back.

This.

You're projecting your past compassion for your DM onto MiL. You couldn't rescue your mother then and you can't rescue MiL now. There is a very small chance she can get over this but letting her experience the consequences of her actions will give her some tiny chance. Colluding will give her none.

Absolutely your family should pay for her to get back. It was an absolutely stupid idea to book a holiday in the first place. She is a vulnerable person who is very physically and mentally unwell. She cannot help much if her actions are this point. People don't get sectioned easily so she must be very badly affected. Sadly alcohol is a disease and, like other diseases, it changes the brain in such a way that the person has to carry on drinking. My sister is an alcoholic with end stage liver failure. Her mental and physical health are very poor. It's devastating. She's so paranoid that she has cut off all family and friends. I used to think that people at least had some control over their addiction, but having read up on the medical side, they really have very little choice. However reprehensible her behaviour, you wouldn't leave a child abroad. She is equally vulnerable.

You and dh aren't professionals.. Leaving her to the authorities is for the best surely?

Sorry OP if the situation has progressed but if I were in your shoes I would respect the wishes of your MILS blood family. The abuse you are describing is beyond the limit of empathy and if it were a FIL instead of a MIL I can guarantee you would have received a unanimous “leave him”.

Mental health is very complicated. I understand and empathise with addiction more than a lot of people as it has touched people I love in many ways, but there has to be a degree of accountability.

Maybe if the British embassy have to assist her home because she is estranged from her family and have reports of her behaviour, it will be the catalyst to get her help?

I understand how fucking hard it is to get mental health support for adults when there are no children involved though. Reported my neighbour who had been cuckooed and literally had his house turned into a crack den, filth squalor and pestilence and violence, and nobody gave a shit. They didn’t even have to assess it really, told me over the phone nothing would happen and got a follow up letter a couple of weeks later confirming as much.

Sorry I missed a paragraph; meant to add, if she is at the stage of no accountability because her condition is so poor, then surely professional intervention is needed at this point.

You haven't been patronised - at least as far as I have read, which is all the way up until your "I didn't come here to be patronised" quip.

You have had some advice.

I came on to offer a bit of moral support as have a DB who sounds just like your MIL. In a sense, you can't hear it too many times. Your MIL won't engage with help, so you have to leave her to it. As PPs have said, and you know from your own experience, alcoholics have to hit the very bottom - hear attack on the streets in the case of my brother - before they sort themselves out, if indeed they ever do sort themselves out.

I think the thing you have to accept about alcoholics is that there is no “proper help” that makes a difference. Social services, the GP, anyone else can’t make her want to stop drinking any more than you can and that’s the only thing that’s going to help her. Anything that makes it easier for her to get more alcohol (like financial assistance, getting her out of a hole, etc.) just enables her drinking. Social services and the GP are not acting because there isn’t anything they can do unless your MiL gets to a point where she wants to change.

And the same is true for you, your DH and FiL too. When you sort out the messes she gets into, you are enabling her drinking, not helping her get better. There is nothing you can do to help her until she wants to change. It’s heartbreaking to realise how helpless you are when a loved one is going through this, but it doesn’t change the equation. You can’t make this better. You can just protect those around her from her actions and try and keep lines of communication open in the hope she will, someday, want to change.

It sounds like she needs to be sectioned since she is clearly a danger to others! Honestly, the state of mental health service these days. Someone who has alcohol induced psychosis and is behaving in this way needs help. I’d help her home OP, and then I’d work on getting her sectioned. But maybe I’m naive..

Apart from anything else it is not safe to put someone in that condition on a plane by themselves. She gets delusional and psychotic and that is dangerous on a plane.
i had to manage a family member who had a psychotic episode while on holiday and the psychiatrist said categorically they were not to fly home on their own or until under control

Thanks I'll resurrect my dad, granddad, and two uncles and tell them that. 🙄

I can see that, based on your own experiences with your mum, you want to help her. And I get that you are concerned what may happen when she can't get a drink and the potential risks of being cold turkey, which are very very serious for a drunk.

But that is what she is, she is a nasty, violent, vindictive drunk.

You can't help her. Never ever. No one can.

She needs to realise the impact of her behaviour when drunk. She can't blame others or even the fact she is drunk. It's her. Her behaviour. She needs to realise what happens when she has a drink.

Your husband and her husband have had enough. And no matter how sorry you feel for her, she's done this to herself...she has drank through all the warning signs. The upset family, the damage she's caused to property, the injuries to people.

They are right. Leave her to finally sort herself out. Or not.

You are a much nicer person than me to be feeling sorry for her. But every thing has been a choice. No one makes her drink

Bloody hell. Good riddance to her. Leave her there.

I would feel like you OP. I know it's her fault etc but I wouldn't forgive myself if she died out there. If I were her son, I would arrange for her to come home and then go no contact.

Leave her to figure it out. I totally understand why you feel sad leaving her, its a catch 22 really. You leave her and she drinks because she feels everyone is against her and you bring her home and she still feels everyone is against her.

The only time my mum stopped drinking was when she got terminal cancer. I feel guilty all the time - I should have been more understanding ( I was teen at the time), but the true reality is only that person can help themselves especially when they've had professional help and still destructive

@pinguins sadly these relatives of yours had a different outcome to other alcoholics. @blossomtoes has assured us that what happened to them does not happen to every alcoholic.

I am so sorry you're in this position. You need to drop the rope.

God, no. Leave her to rot. It'll give you all a break from her abuse.

In my experience, once the embassy know that close family are reachable and aware of the problem, they will not front money or provide personal assistance (for example, an escort home) to the stranded person. They do expect the family to step in regardless of the state of the relationship, unless there is clear proof that they cannot (not WILL not). This happens even in cases of completely estranged family that haven't been in touch for years, if the embassy can locate them. They typically press the stranded person to provide info on ALL relatives and significant friends, contacts, even former employers until they find someone to contact.

It's natural to be worried and even preoccupied about something like this; I expect your husband and DIL are too even if they genuinely believe they're doing the right thing. I couldn't tell from your post if the embassy has found her a place to stay since she's been evicted from the hotel but it would also worry me a lot if I didn't know that she was physically safe, apart from the drinking - especially as it sounds like she'd be drinking alone at home if her husband hadn't booked the trip.

I think it partly depends on where she's stuck. What country is she in, OP?

Book her a flight to a country far far away. Tell the embassy she has family there but might need help getting on the plane.

The embassy will fund the flight as a loan for your MIL if the family are unwilling to pay. She won't be stranded indefinitely.

Are the Embassy aware that she is an alcoholic and could start to experience symptoms of withdrawl which can be physically dangerous, even fatal ? I hope your Father in law hasn't been downplaying how ill she is, to them ?
If she goes into withdrawl and needs medical treatment for it, it could end up costing a lot of money, depending where she is.

This 100%