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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

520 replies

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 16:02

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

OP posts:
BrimfulOfMash · 17/12/2023 17:15

She’s a 55 yo woman who managed to book herself a flight there, she can sort herself out. She is in touch with the Embassy, I would leave her to it. Or leave it up to her DH, it isn’t your DH’s responsibility.

LAMPS1 · 17/12/2023 17:17

I’m with you OP.

I wouldn’t be able to leave her there either. She could easily become homeless, taken advantage of and worse. What if you then never heard from her again. Unthinkable.

I would want to get her home, even if FIL then leaves her to it and you all follow his lead. At least she is on home soil where family, friends, neighbours, SS, the police and medical departments know her all too well.

it’s a terrible dilemma to have, especially at this time of the year.

tescocreditcard · 17/12/2023 17:17

GHSP · 17/12/2023 16:57

It’s a terrible situation but it’s hardly fair to dump the responsibility on the consular staff at the embassy.

Nah, thats their job.

Amara123 · 17/12/2023 17:18

Honestly she sounds dangerously unhinged. Her husband needs to put a restraining order on her.
She needs to stay away from you all

FirstTimeTTC989 · 17/12/2023 17:19

Hmmm this is your father in law's responsibility to be honest. He caused this to an extent, he has their money etc. HE needs to buy her a ticket home and then divorce her. She is his wife, she's stranded and very unwell in a foreign country. I actually think this is an extremely dangerous and cruel time to teach her a lesson.

By all means divorce her and cut ties with her here, where she can access the NHS and social services. To leave her vulnerable in a foreign country for the sake of 200, maybe 300 euros is actually abusive in itself.

Topseyt123 · 17/12/2023 17:20

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 16:58

I absolutely 100 percent know it's not my decision.. I would never go against my DH or FIL. I guess I just feel bad for hat she is there all by herself and probably upset and confused in a strange place. I know it's self inflicted and frankly I know this should be her rock bottom. I just feel awful for her so I wanted to see what other people thought. I have no intention of singlehandedly bailing her out or going against my my DH. I guess I just hoped someone would agree with me.in the sense that we can't just leave her there. I dunno. It's hard to explain. I don't want to see enable her but at the same time I don't like to think of her there all alone and scared and confused.

You absolutely CAN just leave her there. This is all self inflicted by her and she has clearly indicated that she has no intention of stopping.

Leaving her there and washing your hands of her shit will help your FIL get out of a dreadful and abusive relationship. Bailing her out and bringing her back will not help him at all.

Stop feeling like you have to help her. You don't. Not at all. Say and do nothing.

Bluebellsbells · 17/12/2023 17:20

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 16:58

I absolutely 100 percent know it's not my decision.. I would never go against my DH or FIL. I guess I just feel bad for hat she is there all by herself and probably upset and confused in a strange place. I know it's self inflicted and frankly I know this should be her rock bottom. I just feel awful for her so I wanted to see what other people thought. I have no intention of singlehandedly bailing her out or going against my my DH. I guess I just hoped someone would agree with me.in the sense that we can't just leave her there. I dunno. It's hard to explain. I don't want to see enable her but at the same time I don't like to think of her there all alone and scared and confused.

I agree with you. She's terrible I'd definitely cut her out of your life, alcoholism is so destructive and a mixture of choice, no choice, physical and mental illness all I know you are fully aware of.

But what doesn't sit right with me is leaving a relative who has all of the above in a foreign country. Pay to get her home, then leave her to it.

Riverlee · 17/12/2023 17:22

Travel insurance?

Riverlee · 17/12/2023 17:22

Also, she’s an adult in her right and not your responsibilty.

Bluebellsbells · 17/12/2023 17:22

What good will come from leaving her there? She isn't rational, she will continue to make dangerous, terrible decisions that will end her in jail or hospital or the streets. What good is going to come from leaving her there?

Beautiful3 · 17/12/2023 17:23

Think I'd stay out of it. She really needs sectioning again. I'd be inclined to move away, if she's kicking your front door.

Topseyt123 · 17/12/2023 17:24

GHSP · 17/12/2023 16:57

It’s a terrible situation but it’s hardly fair to dump the responsibility on the consular staff at the embassy.

Bollocks! Of course it's fair. It's one of the myriad of things they are there for!!

It's also one of the few ways the family might actually get people like social services and the GP to start taking this seriously.

So she's stranded! So what?! Let her stay stranded and learn a hard lesson.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2023 17:25

"I don't want to see enable her but at the same time I don't like to think of her there all alone and scared and confused"

All this hand wringing from you is your guilt which is completely misplaced anyway and particularly when it comes to your drunkard mother in law.

I doubt very much that she is scared and or confused; she's more likely to be raging and or otherwise pissed off. Her thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from. This will not be the last epsiode either; there will be more from her when she does arrive back in the UK. Do not do anything to bring her home; there has to be consequences for her actions.

anythinginapinch · 17/12/2023 17:26

Those of you saying the British Embassy will sort it out and get her home ... you do realise they are funded from taxes? Just as much as a library, or the law courts, or a hospital? Why should "my taxes" be used to bring a woman home when she has a husband who promised to look after her "in sickness and in health til death do us part"?

Tacotortoise · 17/12/2023 17:26

GHSP · 17/12/2023 16:57

It’s a terrible situation but it’s hardly fair to dump the responsibility on the consular staff at the embassy.

It's totally fair, it's part of their job. And nothing like as traumatic or difficult as some of the things they have to deal with.

WalnutBlue · 17/12/2023 17:28

How on earth is this FIL fault she flew out on her own, she should have sorted her own journey back.
She sounds crazy and FIL needs to divorce her.

User1789 · 17/12/2023 17:29

This situation is entirely for your father-in-law to sort out, seeing the situation is of his making, and his children should not be brought into this situation.

While I get this is very difficult for all involved, the MIL is clearly very ill, but the father-in-law is a weird enabler here.

WmFnKdSg1234 · 17/12/2023 17:29

What @5128gap said.

I think you're feelings are from thinking about your childhood.

Sadly there's a limit to how much chaos most people can take.

Gingernaut · 17/12/2023 17:29

Support your FIL, help him get the help he needs - divorce/separation; whatever he needs.

Your MIL really needs to be left to her own devices - the foreign authorities and the British Embassy will sort it

Gingernaut · 17/12/2023 17:30

anythinginapinch · 17/12/2023 17:26

Those of you saying the British Embassy will sort it out and get her home ... you do realise they are funded from taxes? Just as much as a library, or the law courts, or a hospital? Why should "my taxes" be used to bring a woman home when she has a husband who promised to look after her "in sickness and in health til death do us part"?

She has beat him and flung her own shit at him.

There are limits

ApolloandDaphne · 17/12/2023 17:31

Riverlee · 17/12/2023 17:22

Travel insurance?

I wouldn't imagine someone as chaotic as OPs MIL would have bought travel insurance.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/12/2023 17:31

What good will come from leaving her there?

Probably very little, if she was genuinely unable to get herself back, but let's not forget she was rational enough to get herself there and can presumably do it in reverse in between binges

Anyway from OP's angle it shouldn't matter; it's her family's issue to address and is best left with them

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 17:31

Riverlee · 17/12/2023 17:22

Travel insurance?

We ar assuming her travel insurance will be void because she would not hav disclosed her condition to them and the hotel she was staying out evicted her n cause of her behaviour. Do I doubt travel insurance will pay anything.

OP posts:
Cerealkiller4U · 17/12/2023 17:33

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 16:02

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

Friend of mine was an alcoholic. I was probably her last friend left and I had to walk away

you get to a point that you’re just enabling it and that the best thing you can do is cut them off. I wouldn’t ever do it again and she went to rehab about 8 times. Alcohol you must be careful with. You CANNOT safely just stop it. It must be done with strict medical supervision

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/12/2023 17:33

ApolloandDaphne · 17/12/2023 17:31

I wouldn't imagine someone as chaotic as OPs MIL would have bought travel insurance.

Or declared her alcoholism even if she had ... and if something relevant's undeclared, insurers will almost certainly refuse to pay