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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He asked if he could video me?

277 replies

koolio · 17/12/2023 13:20

Been seeing a man for the past couple of months, we are exclusive as in not seeing or sleeping with other people. Last night he came over and we had a few drinks, I drank a bit more than I should so admit I was a bit drunk.

Anyways, I was giving him oral and he said 'can I video you?' Instead of just saying 'no' I hit the roof. I pushed him away and said he had no respect for me to suggest that and that I would like him to leave my house. He never left and we went to bed and woke up with headaches this morning.

I've apologised for my complete overreaction (was it though?) and he has reassured me it's fine and he shouldn't have asked but he's left and I just feel dread that I've ruined everything. I really like this guy and can see it going somewhere.

So two questions -

AIBU to react the way I did? And if so, do you think I've ruined it?

OP posts:
annonymousse · 17/12/2023 13:22

If dh had asked this he would've got exactly the same reaction. This guy would not be seeing me again. I think if anything you under reacted.

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2023 13:24

Why did he not leave when you asked him too? Was he completely shit faced too?

I would take this as a warning shot across the bows.

Theunamedcat · 17/12/2023 13:25

Why do you think your reaction was inappropriate and not his suggestion? There is a reason why revenge porn legislation was introduced and its not because (some not all) men can be trusted with intimate pictures and videos

maras2 · 17/12/2023 13:26

Bin the pervert. 😡

Sparklfairy · 17/12/2023 13:26

You've made your boundary very clear, rightly so. He won't ask again.

Just be careful, if you do continue to see him, that he doesn't instead surreptitiously film you while you're 'distracted'.

EvilElsa · 17/12/2023 13:26

He asked, didn't do it and apologised. YANBU for saying no and YANBU if you want to call it off, but I couldn't get that worked up about it personally. Everyone has different feelings though and you can feel how you want to feel.

Undineimmor · 17/12/2023 13:27

He wants to video so he can show his mates and post on sites if you break up. You were right to hit the roof.

GabriellaMontez · 17/12/2023 13:27

Disgusting. Agree you underreacted. Get rid.

Rocksonabeach · 17/12/2023 13:28

Umm he asked you said no. But you asked him to leave and he didn’t / neither did you make him.

The first is totally ick and second is a huge red flag - you ask a man to leave he should go immediately

Friendofdennis · 17/12/2023 13:29

There can be no good reason why he would want that. And you would have handed power to him. Your reaction was instinctive and self protecting

Olika · 17/12/2023 13:31

I think your reaction was just fine. Don't let him video you in the future either.

Nonplusultra · 17/12/2023 13:35

The concerning part is that he didn’t leave when asked. Why?

He should be massively worried that he has fucked up things with you - and if he isn’t then he’s not a keeper.

And if he’s gone for good it’s because he’s twigged you’re not an easy mark, or he doesn’t respect you. That’s a lucky escape.

Your reaction was perfect - ok it wasn’t “nice”, “kind”, or in the passively polite, soft spoken tones that are the acceptable ways for women to communicate. In vino veritas.

Rejection hurts op but the way you find a good man, is you hold your standards high and don’t try and cling on or make excuses for the ones who can’t meet them. Clear the path for a good man to turn up in your life.

ReindeerSneezes · 17/12/2023 13:38

Yanbu,l and why didn’t he leave when you asked?

Universalsnail · 17/12/2023 13:45

I do think you over reacted. I think it was fine for him to ask. And it was fine if you to say no.

I do think you made the right decision though. Having someone video you means that video exists forever and anything could happen with it.

I let my partner record and send my partner videos. We've been together 14 years and I trust him 100 percent. I am also not massively bothered about others seeing them, atleast I decided I got more out of sending them then I cared about he risk of others seeing them.

Last week though he accidently didn't realise the new phone back up he'd set up backed up all images instantly so before he sent them to his locked folder they uploaded to the cloud and there was very pornographic videos of me on Google cloud storage for a few days until he noticed deleted them and then was pretty upset with himself that he'd let that happen when he promised they'd go straight to a safe folder. I have to be honest I felt a bit gross about it when though I didn't think I didn't think I'd care that much.

Ultimately letting someone make porn of you is a risk. There's absolutely no way I would let someone do that after only a couple of months of dating.

Also I think it's a red flag he didn't leave. I would be cautious incase he intends to discreetly film you. Not leaving is boundary pushing and a bit of a red flag.

AmazingDayz · 17/12/2023 13:49

At least he asked and didn’t just pull his phone out mid way which has happened to me before

Benibidibici · 17/12/2023 13:50

You didn't overreact.

Hth

Original poster
koolio · 17/12/2023 13:51

He didn't leave as he lives an hour away and had drove down. Nowhere for him to go, so I get that.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 17/12/2023 13:51

Undineimmor · 17/12/2023 13:27

He wants to video so he can show his mates and post on sites if you break up. You were right to hit the roof.

This. You did not overreact. Get rid of him.

Allfur · 17/12/2023 13:52

Tell him to go fuck himself

Goodlard · 17/12/2023 13:54

Massive 🚩

Bettysnow · 17/12/2023 13:56

You had nothing to apologise for OP. Your reaction was spot on

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2023 13:59

Never speak to this base, perverted creep again. You have massively dodged a bullet here, and it would be really foolish to keep seeing him.

icebearforpresident · 17/12/2023 13:59

I wouldn’t have a problem with being asked, and while I probably wouldn’t have reacted the way you did it was a perfectly valid reaction. When he didn’t leave was it an argument and he refused to go, or did you leave the room and he crashed out? If it was an argument and he refused then that is a red flag, if it was a case of he crashed out and you didn’t ask again then that’s less of a concern for me.

Moving forward, if you do, if he continues to ask or push boundaries in other ways with you then it’s time to end it.

LifeExperience · 17/12/2023 14:02

He could have driven an hour home. He didn't respect your boundaries. Bin him.

cezannesapple · 17/12/2023 14:04

I would have problem with being asked. Not one reason a man could come up with for wanting a video could persuade me I’d want to do it and I think you are correct when you say it is lack of respect for you, OP.