Page 6 | He asked if he could video me?

koolio · 2023-12-17T13:20:17+00:00

Been seeing a man for the past couple of months, we are exclusive as in not seeing or sleeping with other people. Last night he came over and we had a few drinks, I drank a bit more than I should so admit I was a bit drunk. Anyways, I was giving him oral and he said 'can I video you?' Instead of just saying 'no' I hit the roof. I pushed him away and said he had no respect for me to suggest that and that I would like him to leave my house. He never left and we went to bed and woke up with headaches this morning. I've apologised for my complete overreaction (was it though?) and he has reassured me it's fine and he shouldn't have asked but he's left and I just feel dread that I've ruined everything. I really like this guy and can see it going somewhere. So two questions - AIBU to react the way I did? And if so, do you think I've ruined it?

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 17/12/2023 15:26

MyDogCafe · 17/12/2023 15:03

That doesnt change the fact that though many women do enjoy it and send videos freely and happily with no coercion.

I think you just don’t see how ingrained in society the grooming has become and you’re convinced you want to do it. Whatever, you can do what you like.

More importantly I’m bothered that women like OP see that her reaction was valid and are not told it’s an over reaction. Because if the groomers, and the groomed who believe they’re wanting to do it, had their way, they would make someone like OP feel like a weirdo. Those people need to fuck right off.

Oh please don't try to tell me and other adult, grown up, sexually aware women that we only think we like doing the things we say we like and we've actually been tricked or groomed into thinking we like it. Please just don't do that.

Sugarsun · 17/12/2023 15:27

MayThe4th · 17/12/2023 15:20

Anyone who says you’re overreacting is wrong.
People are free to have no boundaries if they want, but that doesn’t make you wrong for having them.
And no. Asking someone you’ve known a couple of months if you can make what amounts to porn videos of them is definitely not normal. Anyone who thinks it is needs to get real. And while some may not, some men absolutely do show their mates, and worst case scenario, upload to the internet.
Revenge porn is a real risk, and the fact it’s illegal means nothing. Because once it’s on the internet you can never delete it.

No one’s saying she’s wrong for saying no, they’re saying she’s wrong for hitting the roof.

If OP had asked him and he had ‘hit the roof’ and told her to leave in the middle of the night and whilst drunk, we would also be saying that he over reacted.

You are saying that if OP had asked him to do something similar, he would be reasonable to hit the roof and tell her to get out of his house in the middle of the night, rather than just saying “no I’m not into that”.

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 15:29

And your fury is because you’ve got his dick in your mouth, doing one of the most intimate things you can and he asks to take this precious thing and keep it for himself and ringfence it without you having any control over it’s future.

No wonder you recoiled in horror.

He’s not who you thought he was.

RafaFan · 17/12/2023 15:29

Undineimmor · 17/12/2023 13:27

He wants to video so he can show his mates and post on sites if you break up. You were right to hit the roof.

I know someone this happened to. She got back together with him, and they're now married. She has no idea he did this, but I (and presumably half of our small town) know because a male relative of mine who worked with the guy was shown the photos.

retinolalcohol · 17/12/2023 15:30

I have been the one asking to make videos in the past - certainly nothing to do with any sort of lack of respect for my partner.

You weren't wrong to say no OP, but you were a bit dramatic to 'hit the roof'. If he's previously shown no evidence of a lack of respect for you this reaction was disproportionate. Some people just get off on watching things later - doesn't indicate a respect issue on its own.

mottytotty · 17/12/2023 15:31

retinolalcohol · 17/12/2023 15:30

I have been the one asking to make videos in the past - certainly nothing to do with any sort of lack of respect for my partner.

You weren't wrong to say no OP, but you were a bit dramatic to 'hit the roof'. If he's previously shown no evidence of a lack of respect for you this reaction was disproportionate. Some people just get off on watching things later - doesn't indicate a respect issue on its own.

Are you asking to make videos of people within 2 months of meeting them? That’s so creepy.

FirstTimeTTC989 · 17/12/2023 15:31

Anger was the CORRECT response!!! Do NOT doubt yourself!

Think about how many women he has on his phone right now. Do you just want to be wank material for this guy?

No decent man asks a new girlfriend if he can video her doing oral. Why does he need that? To show to his friends? To wank to it later? To upload it to pornhub? There is NO good answer.

This would put me off him. You need to bin him. Disgusting.

MILTOBE · 17/12/2023 15:32

Sparklfairy · 17/12/2023 13:26

You've made your boundary very clear, rightly so. He won't ask again.

Just be careful, if you do continue to see him, that he doesn't instead surreptitiously film you while you're 'distracted'.

No she didn't make her boundary clear. He didn't leave, did he? She apologised afterwards, which means he knows that's not her boundary.

retinolalcohol · 17/12/2023 15:34

Would there have been anything wrong with saying 'no thank you' or 'in your dreams mate'?

I think if you value him and the relationship is otherwise good, he's respectful etc you should tread carefully here. You've told him he has no respect - that's going to feel like a very unfair character assassination to a man who is well intentioned. It's the sort of thing that builds resentment and can snowball. Chalk it up to being drunk and dramatic, tell him you've no interest in being filmed but that you overreacted. Move on

VelvetVoice · 17/12/2023 15:36

retinolalcohol · 17/12/2023 15:34

Would there have been anything wrong with saying 'no thank you' or 'in your dreams mate'?

I think if you value him and the relationship is otherwise good, he's respectful etc you should tread carefully here. You've told him he has no respect - that's going to feel like a very unfair character assassination to a man who is well intentioned. It's the sort of thing that builds resentment and can snowball. Chalk it up to being drunk and dramatic, tell him you've no interest in being filmed but that you overreacted. Move on

respectful men have no intention or desire to video women performing sex, period.

mottytotty · 17/12/2023 15:36

retinolalcohol · 17/12/2023 15:34

Would there have been anything wrong with saying 'no thank you' or 'in your dreams mate'?

I think if you value him and the relationship is otherwise good, he's respectful etc you should tread carefully here. You've told him he has no respect - that's going to feel like a very unfair character assassination to a man who is well intentioned. It's the sort of thing that builds resentment and can snowball. Chalk it up to being drunk and dramatic, tell him you've no interest in being filmed but that you overreacted. Move on

But you have no idea that he ‘well-intentioned’.

The number of people trying to excuse the poor widdle man is incredible.

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/12/2023 15:37

I think your reaction was a bit OTT @koolio but forgiveable - you were drunk!

Similarly asking to do that early on in a relationship is a bit much on his part - he was drunk!

You gave a clear no. He dropped it and apologised, and as long as thats that, I can't see what the issue is.

I think far more outrageous is the leaping to conclusions going on in this thread:

that he GOT you drunk
that the ONLY reason he could possibly want such a video is for revenge porn/to plaster over the internet/show all his mates
that he is a pervert/weirdo/reprobate

For the 'he's a disgusting pig with evil intent' posters... HOW are people to discover mutual pleasures, if asking outright is verboten (because of course hinting or doing it without consent are obviously right out)?

Are we all to assume that nothing more than the most basic vanilla intercourse is acceptable? Scrub out our minds with the brain bleach should we even THINK a dirtier thought than missionary, once a week...

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 15:38

MILTOBE · 17/12/2023 15:32

No she didn't make her boundary clear. He didn't leave, did he? She apologised afterwards, which means he knows that's not her boundary.

Show quote history

Exactly. She apologised. Already exhibiting the need to compromise to ‘save the relationship’.

Why do so many women compromise their sexual boundaries for the sake of staying with what is actually a shit bloke. All in the name of love.

Love is not taught in school, so here’s a little reminder about how love shows up in the world: truth, trust, honesty, respect, kindness, caring, loyalty and admiration.

OP please adhere to those and don’t compromise yourself. You have nothing to apologise for here.

Mrsttcno1 · 17/12/2023 15:38

Soo many “men are evil” posters on here isn’t there 🤣 filming sex is part of lots of people’s sex lives, for personal use! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that when it is between 2 consenting adults. This is a new relationship, it’s clearly something he’s interested in, so he was checking if she was also interested. The answer was no, no harm done🤷🏻‍♀️ he hasn’t put pressure on or forced anybody to do anything. He asked a question, he got his answer, no harm done.

And lets stay well away from the “you must have no respect for me to even suggest it”- let other women make their own decisions please & thank you!

retinolalcohol · 17/12/2023 15:38

@mottytotty with respect, I don't really care if a stranger on the internet thinks I'm creepy

But to answer your question yes - because it was something we'd both expressed interest in! We were together for a further three years, no disrespect on either side, videos only ever in my possession, deleted when we split. No dramas!

OP could've just said no instead of implying something about his character

LaurieStrode · 17/12/2023 15:38

retinolalcohol · 17/12/2023 15:34

Would there have been anything wrong with saying 'no thank you' or 'in your dreams mate'?

I think if you value him and the relationship is otherwise good, he's respectful etc you should tread carefully here. You've told him he has no respect - that's going to feel like a very unfair character assassination to a man who is well intentioned. It's the sort of thing that builds resentment and can snowball. Chalk it up to being drunk and dramatic, tell him you've no interest in being filmed but that you overreacted. Move on

Aside from the practical downsides to a near-stranger having a sex video of one, it's the fact that he was thinking of videoing in the first place.

She's there performing an intimate, affectionate (presumably) act and instead of just experiencing the pleasure and perhaps thinking fondly toward her, he's scheming in his mind of how he can video himself getting a blowjob. And do god knows what with the video.

He doesn't even care enough about her to focus on her during a sexual encounter.

I would find that pretty off-putting, especially eight weeks into an acquaintanceship.

It's for reasons like that, not prudism or morality, that I would avoid having sex with someone I'd only known a few weeks.

NotAnotherNativity · 17/12/2023 15:39

BUT, everyone should be aware how society and porn bring so widely available has changed sexual expectations and the obvious and not so obvious consequences of that.

Girls from a young age are groomed to look and behave in certain ways to please men, even women who see it are living amongst it and with it. It’s hard to realise you’re not a victim of it. Much of it is like subliminal messaging.

Agree @MyDogCafe and with everything else you have said.

I see we have some visitors from a certain corner who like to erode women’s boundaries. 🤢

Your reaction was valid OP. Trust your instincts always.

Digestivechocolatebiscuit · 17/12/2023 15:39

Gosh.. my daughters ex filmed her .. was put all over the Internet.. now he's waiting for a court date.. probably get 2 years.
Walk away now!

eandz13 · 17/12/2023 15:39

@WiddlinDiddlin I fully agree with all of that. People are crackers with their assumptions.

mottytotty · 17/12/2023 15:39

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/12/2023 15:37

I think your reaction was a bit OTT @koolio but forgiveable - you were drunk!

Similarly asking to do that early on in a relationship is a bit much on his part - he was drunk!

You gave a clear no. He dropped it and apologised, and as long as thats that, I can't see what the issue is.

I think far more outrageous is the leaping to conclusions going on in this thread:

that he GOT you drunk
that the ONLY reason he could possibly want such a video is for revenge porn/to plaster over the internet/show all his mates
that he is a pervert/weirdo/reprobate

For the 'he's a disgusting pig with evil intent' posters... HOW are people to discover mutual pleasures, if asking outright is verboten (because of course hinting or doing it without consent are obviously right out)?

Are we all to assume that nothing more than the most basic vanilla intercourse is acceptable? Scrub out our minds with the brain bleach should we even THINK a dirtier thought than missionary, once a week...

I don’t think anyone here cares if OP rode him cowboy style with her arms akimbo.

But there are some things that raise flags, and asking to film a new, drunk girlfriend during sex is one of them, as is choking women, which is another thing that society is teaching young girls is perfectly normal.

retinolalcohol · 17/12/2023 15:42

No I don't know, but there's nothing in the original post to suggest he isn't well intentioned. Being turned on by watching sex acts back isn't, in isolation, disrespectful. I merely suggested that she use her own judgement based on his actions so far
If he has otherwise been respectful, probably a bit far to go full character assassination and suggest he isn't.

Still ok to say no though! Especially so early on

MayThe4th · 17/12/2023 15:43

You are saying that if OP had asked him to do something similar, he would be reasonable to hit the roof and tell her to get out of his house in the middle of the night, rather than just saying “no I’m not into that”.
yes. A boundary is a boundary. And there’s a time and a place to agree those boundaries, and in the middle of the act is not it.
if they’d been having the conversation in general then no would be fine. But in the middle of an intimate act when many women feel pressured to agree to things, if anything the OP didn’t react enough.
it’s a dangerous road to go down to start berating women for enforcing their boundaries. And it’s a dangerous road to go down to tell women that having videos made of them is normal when it isn’t.

DarkDayforMN · 17/12/2023 15:44

This is why no one should date men who watch porn.

Of course it was a disrespectful thing to ask - why would any sane person take such a terrible risk just to give him something to wank to?

And it's not even about having something to wank to. He's got the whole Internet for that. It's specifically about the power he gets over you by you giving him this video. Do not date men who are aroused by having power over you. Not only are those guys repugnant - frankly I can't see how anyone could be sexually attracted to a man after realising he thinks like this - they are dangerous. I hope you have "ruined everything" - if you haven't and you choose to keep seeing him, you'll regret it one day.

Panaa · 17/12/2023 15:44

I think your reaction was proportionate due to the circumstances.

I'm not opposed to making videos but you barely know this man and aren't in a relationship. I know that I would rightly or wrongly start to mistrust a man who asked for this so early on, he also asked you while you were mid sex act so I know if that were me I'd feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable.

chocolataupain · 17/12/2023 15:48

Mrsttcno1 · 17/12/2023 15:38

Soo many “men are evil” posters on here isn’t there 🤣 filming sex is part of lots of people’s sex lives, for personal use! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that when it is between 2 consenting adults. This is a new relationship, it’s clearly something he’s interested in, so he was checking if she was also interested. The answer was no, no harm done🤷🏻‍♀️ he hasn’t put pressure on or forced anybody to do anything. He asked a question, he got his answer, no harm done.

And lets stay well away from the “you must have no respect for me to even suggest it”- let other women make their own decisions please & thank you!

Yep! Agreed.