Page 11 | He asked if he could video me?

koolio · 2023-12-17T13:20:17+00:00

Been seeing a man for the past couple of months, we are exclusive as in not seeing or sleeping with other people. Last night he came over and we had a few drinks, I drank a bit more than I should so admit I was a bit drunk. Anyways, I was giving him oral and he said 'can I video you?' Instead of just saying 'no' I hit the roof. I pushed him away and said he had no respect for me to suggest that and that I would like him to leave my house. He never left and we went to bed and woke up with headaches this morning. I've apologised for my complete overreaction (was it though?) and he has reassured me it's fine and he shouldn't have asked but he's left and I just feel dread that I've ruined everything. I really like this guy and can see it going somewhere. So two questions - AIBU to react the way I did? And if so, do you think I've ruined it?

Panaa · 17/12/2023 19:15

@perto
That's awful and I'm so sorry that that happened to you, what an absolute disgusting scumbag he was.

Mrsttcno1 · 17/12/2023 19:32

Panaa · 17/12/2023 18:36

Can you accept that mid sex act while the OP is drunk is not how a man should go about honest and open communication?

Can you accept that asking mid sex act while the OP was drunk is not the time and place?

That's not the setting or circumstance in which a woman is likely to feel comfortable and respected.

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Can you accept that OP has said BOTH parties had had a drink that night?

In an ideal world of course mid sex wouldn’t be the perfect time to bring something up for the first time. But is this man the first person to have drunk sex and bring something up in the heat of the moment under the influence of alcohol? No.

Panaa · 17/12/2023 19:43

Mrsttcno1 · 17/12/2023 19:32

Can you accept that OP has said BOTH parties had had a drink that night?

In an ideal world of course mid sex wouldn’t be the perfect time to bring something up for the first time. But is this man the first person to have drunk sex and bring something up in the heat of the moment under the influence of alcohol? No.

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I don't care if he was also drunk or not!!

Did I say he was the first man to bring it up in the heat of the moment? Not sure what point you're trying to make there, Loads of men aren't the first man to do shit things or things that potentially make women uncomfortable or pressured, doesn't make it any less shit.

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 19:53

Simpleblessingsxx · 17/12/2023 18:32

I come from a large family. I've never seen one divorce in my family tree for at least 4 generations. You can't tar everyone with the same brush because of statistics. Happy marriages with happy families do exist & they are not in the minority.

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Completely missed the point I was making to boast about your perfect family lives… whatevs.

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 19:55

koolio · 17/12/2023 17:55

What happened?

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Can’t you guess OP?

They split up.

Mrsttcno1 · 17/12/2023 19:56

Panaa · 17/12/2023 19:43

I don't care if he was also drunk or not!!

Did I say he was the first man to bring it up in the heat of the moment? Not sure what point you're trying to make there, Loads of men aren't the first man to do shit things or things that potentially make women uncomfortable or pressured, doesn't make it any less shit.

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But at the point you “don’t care” if he was also drunk or not, you’re just projecting onto the situation that he is this manipulative mastermind who was trying to take advantage when actually from the information the OP has given all that has happened is that they have gotten drunk and intimate together, he’s asked for something and she has rightfully said no.

People say stupid things all of the time when drunk, is the point I’m trying to make. Things that in the morning they then cringe at themselves. He’s asked, she’s said no, the story ends there.

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 19:57

Kittylala · 17/12/2023 17:55

Are you going to see him again?

Presumably yes judging by her responses so far…

AyrshireTryer · 17/12/2023 20:02

RED FLAG

Panaa · 17/12/2023 20:03

Mrsttcno1 · 17/12/2023 19:56

But at the point you “don’t care” if he was also drunk or not, you’re just projecting onto the situation that he is this manipulative mastermind who was trying to take advantage when actually from the information the OP has given all that has happened is that they have gotten drunk and intimate together, he’s asked for something and she has rightfully said no.

People say stupid things all of the time when drunk, is the point I’m trying to make. Things that in the morning they then cringe at themselves. He’s asked, she’s said no, the story ends there.

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No I'm not.
He could be a manipulative mastermind, he could also be a man who lacks emotional intelligence when it comes to womens comfort and safety during sex and sometimes that can be just as dangerous even if not intentional.

All men should know and realise that sometimes women feel vulnerable during sex acts and can go along with things that they are not comfortable with when put on the spot and decent, emotionally mature men shouldn't put women in that position.

You're not either of the 2 people involved in this scenario so you don't know that the story ends there. Often women find that when they say no to something, even 'aggressively' that the man will still continue to push for that in future.

Simpleblessingsxx · 17/12/2023 20:23

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 19:53

Completely missed the point I was making to boast about your perfect family lives… whatevs.

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Nope, far from perfect family lives, just managed to not be nasty to each other. Children appreciate that.

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 20:31

Simpleblessingsxx · 17/12/2023 20:23

Nope, far from perfect family lives, just managed to not be nasty to each other. Children appreciate that.

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What has this got to do with the question in hand?

You mean you’re all happily videoing each other sexually and it’s not an issue because you’ll all be together forever?

Is that the point you’re making?

Simpleblessingsxx · 17/12/2023 21:01

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 20:31

What has this got to do with the question in hand?

You mean you’re all happily videoing each other sexually and it’s not an issue because you’ll all be together forever?

Is that the point you’re making?

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Have you read my posts here, apparently not but that's ok from someone who is obviously not happy with other people in genuine & mutually loving relationships. They do exist you know. What people do in their private lives is their own business as long as it's legal & doesn't affect others. Op has said she was upset therefore she has a right to question it. Personally I would as mentioned in pp run a mile. Those who are happy being asked, or worse being subjected to being filmed during sex by almost strangers feel free but see where it leads you.

MayThe4th · 17/12/2023 21:03

Mrsttcno1 · 17/12/2023 19:32

Can you accept that OP has said BOTH parties had had a drink that night?

In an ideal world of course mid sex wouldn’t be the perfect time to bring something up for the first time. But is this man the first person to have drunk sex and bring something up in the heat of the moment under the influence of alcohol? No.

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So? Who cares if he was drunk?
at what pointdoes it stop being acceptable to use being drunk as an excuse for shit behaviour?

I mean you seem to think that being drunk means he couldn't help overstepping, so what if he hadn't taken no for an answer? Why is that not ok if he's not responsible for what he does when he's drunk? Who decides where that line is?

asking to make a porn video is ok in your eyes, but what about other things? How about driving a car? It's presumably ok to get behind the wheel given he's drunk and knows no better, so if he has an accident and kills someone should that be diminnished responsibility? After all, he was drunk, so he can't help what he does.
Alcohol isn't a get-out for shit behaviour, if he's not responsible for how he behaves when drinking then he shouldn't be drinking. End of.

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 21:15

Simpleblessingsxx · 17/12/2023 21:01

Have you read my posts here, apparently not but that's ok from someone who is obviously not happy with other people in genuine & mutually loving relationships. They do exist you know. What people do in their private lives is their own business as long as it's legal & doesn't affect others. Op has said she was upset therefore she has a right to question it. Personally I would as mentioned in pp run a mile. Those who are happy being asked, or worse being subjected to being filmed during sex by almost strangers feel free but see where it leads you.

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You’ve got completely the wrong end of the stick from what you’ve written there… but ho hum…

I have also said in my previous posts here that she should run a mile. So I don’t think you have read my posts either…

And I was simply quoting statistics. It’s not that I don’t believe people can’t be in happy in relationships. What a weird thing to have implied by what I wrote. Can you tell the difference between a fact which is what I wrote and the leap you have made to an opinion of yours about how I view relationships? Really odd jump on your part..

https://www.jacksonlees.co.uk/once-twice-three-times-marriage

My point was at the end of a relationship or marriage many people will not do the honourable thing with regards to money, behaviour etc, so if she’s to go ahead and allow herself to be videoed, the chances of things being reasonable and the partner or husband deleting her material are not high, given that even many marriages end, let alone relationships. And often they don’t go well… look at the very rich family lawyers…

I never once said I don’t believe people can’t be happy in their relationships…

Once, Twice, Three Times a Marriage | Jackson Lees

Statistics have shown that 50% of first marriages, 67% of second and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. So what can be the reasons for this progressive increase in divorce rates?

https://www.jacksonlees.co.uk/once-twice-three-times-marriage

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 21:19

MayThe4th · 17/12/2023 21:03

So? Who cares if he was drunk?
at what pointdoes it stop being acceptable to use being drunk as an excuse for shit behaviour?

I mean you seem to think that being drunk means he couldn't help overstepping, so what if he hadn't taken no for an answer? Why is that not ok if he's not responsible for what he does when he's drunk? Who decides where that line is?

asking to make a porn video is ok in your eyes, but what about other things? How about driving a car? It's presumably ok to get behind the wheel given he's drunk and knows no better, so if he has an accident and kills someone should that be diminnished responsibility? After all, he was drunk, so he can't help what he does.
Alcohol isn't a get-out for shit behaviour, if he's not responsible for how he behaves when drinking then he shouldn't be drinking. End of.

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Well said. Every day on MN I see women defending other people’s behaviour, often men overstepping the mark sexually, because they were drunk.

Why does alcohol give you a free pass to be a dick?

The bar is depressingly low in this country.

Simpleblessingsxx · 17/12/2023 21:33

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 21:15

You’ve got completely the wrong end of the stick from what you’ve written there… but ho hum…

I have also said in my previous posts here that she should run a mile. So I don’t think you have read my posts either…

And I was simply quoting statistics. It’s not that I don’t believe people can’t be in happy in relationships. What a weird thing to have implied by what I wrote. Can you tell the difference between a fact which is what I wrote and the leap you have made to an opinion of yours about how I view relationships? Really odd jump on your part..

https://www.jacksonlees.co.uk/once-twice-three-times-marriage

My point was at the end of a relationship or marriage many people will not do the honourable thing with regards to money, behaviour etc, so if she’s to go ahead and allow herself to be videoed, the chances of things being reasonable and the partner or husband deleting her material are not high, given that even many marriages end, let alone relationships. And often they don’t go well… look at the very rich family lawyers…

I never once said I don’t believe people can’t be happy in their relationships…

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Ok, accepted but it was you who stated I'd be happily videoing sex as long as everyone was happy, totally absurd according to my previous posts. We both agree OP was right to be upset so let's move on.

Emeraldrings · 17/12/2023 21:40

DarkDayforMN · 17/12/2023 15:44

This is why no one should date men who watch porn.

Of course it was a disrespectful thing to ask - why would any sane person take such a terrible risk just to give him something to wank to?

And it's not even about having something to wank to. He's got the whole Internet for that. It's specifically about the power he gets over you by you giving him this video. Do not date men who are aroused by having power over you. Not only are those guys repugnant - frankly I can't see how anyone could be sexually attracted to a man after realising he thinks like this - they are dangerous. I hope you have "ruined everything" - if you haven't and you choose to keep seeing him, you'll regret it one day.

Did you know that women watch porn too?!
Lots of people watch porn and I actually can't believe that on a first date you should ask someone if they watch porn and dump them if they say yes.
My ex watched a lot of porn but never filmed or choked me and my DH only started filming me when I suggested it.

BIossomtoes · 17/12/2023 21:54

Porn’s a dealbreaker for me. I don’t want anything to do with a man who watches it @Emeraldrings.

DarkDayforMN · 18/12/2023 00:36

Did you know that women watch porn too?!

yes some women also watch porn, so what? I was talking about men who watch porn.

I actually can't believe that on a first date you should ask someone if they watch porn and dump them if they say yes.

No, that's a very silly idea, you would need to go about it a bit more intelligently than that.

My ex watched a lot of porn but never filmed or choked me and my DH only started filming me when I suggested it.

Sorry to hear it - couldn't be me.

coxesorangepippin · 18/12/2023 01:35

God it's grim out there

LaurieStrode · 18/12/2023 01:57

If he had that video, he'd have power over you for the rest of his life.

FFS, what woman could be desperate enough for attention/companionship to cede that much to anyone, let alone a bare acquaintance??

So pitiful.

Thedogscollar · 18/12/2023 02:06

BIossomtoes · 17/12/2023 14:37

Nobody “gets” someone else drunk. She got herself drunk. He asked, she said no and then completely over reacted. I don’t imagine she’ll see him for dust now.

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No great loss then.
Completely over reacted......I don't think so.

Rickenbackergoodgrief · 18/12/2023 03:52

He would be binned straight away.
I wouldn't be able to trust him. How do I know that he's not filming me when we're doing it doggy style for example?
Not a question a decent bloke would even think to ask.

Universalsnail · 18/12/2023 09:10

LaurieStrode · 18/12/2023 01:57

If he had that video, he'd have power over you for the rest of his life.

FFS, what woman could be desperate enough for attention/companionship to cede that much to anyone, let alone a bare acquaintance??

So pitiful.

It's not about being desperate for companionship of for attention. Many women are completely comfortable with the risk and find being filmed and therefore knowing her part er gets off to those videos when she's not there a big turn on.

Would it be a good idea to let someone you were newly dating do it. No to be honest that would be silly and likely to cause a whole heep of hurt. The OP was right to say no to this. But in a long term trusting relationship it isn't pitiful to enjoy sharing videos with your partner if you enjoy it and have thought through the risks.

Flickersy · 18/12/2023 13:23

Universalsnail · 18/12/2023 09:10

It's not about being desperate for companionship of for attention. Many women are completely comfortable with the risk and find being filmed and therefore knowing her part er gets off to those videos when she's not there a big turn on.

Would it be a good idea to let someone you were newly dating do it. No to be honest that would be silly and likely to cause a whole heep of hurt. The OP was right to say no to this. But in a long term trusting relationship it isn't pitiful to enjoy sharing videos with your partner if you enjoy it and have thought through the risks.

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Ignore it, it's just a form of slut-shaming that the MN masses seem to approve of.

"Bad woman, your sexuality makes you pathetic and desperate and you should be ashamed."

"Good women don't do X, Y, and Z, it's only those weak-minded women with no agency who get groomed into it."