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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He asked if he could video me?

277 replies

koolio · 17/12/2023 13:20

Been seeing a man for the past couple of months, we are exclusive as in not seeing or sleeping with other people. Last night he came over and we had a few drinks, I drank a bit more than I should so admit I was a bit drunk.

Anyways, I was giving him oral and he said 'can I video you?' Instead of just saying 'no' I hit the roof. I pushed him away and said he had no respect for me to suggest that and that I would like him to leave my house. He never left and we went to bed and woke up with headaches this morning.

I've apologised for my complete overreaction (was it though?) and he has reassured me it's fine and he shouldn't have asked but he's left and I just feel dread that I've ruined everything. I really like this guy and can see it going somewhere.

So two questions -

AIBU to react the way I did? And if so, do you think I've ruined it?

OP posts:
Simpleblessingsxx · 17/12/2023 15:01

koolio · 17/12/2023 13:20

Been seeing a man for the past couple of months, we are exclusive as in not seeing or sleeping with other people. Last night he came over and we had a few drinks, I drank a bit more than I should so admit I was a bit drunk.

Anyways, I was giving him oral and he said 'can I video you?' Instead of just saying 'no' I hit the roof. I pushed him away and said he had no respect for me to suggest that and that I would like him to leave my house. He never left and we went to bed and woke up with headaches this morning.

I've apologised for my complete overreaction (was it though?) and he has reassured me it's fine and he shouldn't have asked but he's left and I just feel dread that I've ruined everything. I really like this guy and can see it going somewhere.

So two questions -

AIBU to react the way I did? And if so, do you think I've ruined it?

I feel sorry your even questioning this OP. I would seriously consider his motivation for wanting to record you during intimate sexual moments. Far from thinking I've ruined something potentially special I'd be running a mile & at speed🤦‍♀️

rwalker · 17/12/2023 15:01

He asked a question I think no would of done

MyDogCafe · 17/12/2023 15:03

That doesnt change the fact that though many women do enjoy it and send videos freely and happily with no coercion.

I think you just don’t see how ingrained in society the grooming has become and you’re convinced you want to do it. Whatever, you can do what you like.

More importantly I’m bothered that women like OP see that her reaction was valid and are not told it’s an over reaction. Because if the groomers, and the groomed who believe they’re wanting to do it, had their way, they would make someone like OP feel like a weirdo. Those people need to fuck right off.

Sothisiit · 17/12/2023 15:05

He requested if he could record you, a simple no I'm not into that and our relationship is very new would have been fine.
I don't quite understand why you lost your temper. It's unlikely the relationship will go anywhere from here, he's never going to dare to make any suggestions in bed again.

theduchessofspork · 17/12/2023 15:05

ShittingPeugeot · 17/12/2023 14:55

You have absolutely no proof to back this batshit claim up.

Show quote history

It’s unlikely but not batshit. The OP hardly knows this man.

Universalsnail · 17/12/2023 15:05

MyDogCafe · 17/12/2023 14:57

If you trust your partner I don't see an issue and yes DH has videos of me giving him a BJ but I trust him. Why would other people see it unless you have a twat for a husband/wife/partner. I can't believe you'd make a judgement that someone is a bad person for making a consensual video.

Even if you trust your partner, and I do trust mine after 25 years together, I don’t trust others. A phone gets stolen for example or someone hacks your iCloud or whatever. Any decent person in their right mind just wouldn’t take the risk imo. At least not anyone of class as decent. I’ll keep my standards where they are, you can do what you like.

"Anyone with a class of decent"

Oh please. Many people know the risks and are comfortable with the risk. It is not indecent or a moral failing to accidently end up with home made porn existing on the internet. It would for many people be upsetting but it doesn't make someone "not decent". It doesn't mean someone has low standards to be comfortable taking this risk.

If someone has their iCloud hacked and their videos leaked they are a victim not someone with low standards or no decency. This is some victim blaming nonsense.

Flickersy · 17/12/2023 15:05

MyDogCafe · 17/12/2023 15:03

That doesnt change the fact that though many women do enjoy it and send videos freely and happily with no coercion.

I think you just don’t see how ingrained in society the grooming has become and you’re convinced you want to do it. Whatever, you can do what you like.

More importantly I’m bothered that women like OP see that her reaction was valid and are not told it’s an over reaction. Because if the groomers, and the groomed who believe they’re wanting to do it, had their way, they would make someone like OP feel like a weirdo. Those people need to fuck right off.

"you’re convinced you want to do it"

Are you seriously telling another woman that she has no agency over her own sexual preferences and that she should alter her preferences to your own personal moral code because she's "groomed"?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2023 15:05

koolio · 17/12/2023 14:49

I would not have hit the roof if it hadn't been for alcohol. That's why I think I've ruined it because why couldn't I just say sorry don't feel comfortable with that and leave it at that?

You really want to be with a man who wants to record you giving him oral sex? Want better for yourself.

diddl · 17/12/2023 15:09

AIBU to react the way I did? And if so, do you think I've ruined it?

I think it was OK to react like that & I agree with what you said to him.

Why do you still want to be with him?

Universalsnail · 17/12/2023 15:09

MyDogCafe · 17/12/2023 15:03

That doesnt change the fact that though many women do enjoy it and send videos freely and happily with no coercion.

I think you just don’t see how ingrained in society the grooming has become and you’re convinced you want to do it. Whatever, you can do what you like.

More importantly I’m bothered that women like OP see that her reaction was valid and are not told it’s an over reaction. Because if the groomers, and the groomed who believe they’re wanting to do it, had their way, they would make someone like OP feel like a weirdo. Those people need to fuck right off.

I am a grown adult with agency over my own body.

I haven't been groomed into it. I have been pressured into sex acts by other men in the past when I was young. I would know if I had been pressured about this. I definitely have not been pressured into this. It was my idea. I do it because I enjoy it. I find it hot shrug

He didn't make op feel like a weirdo. He asked. She said no. He respected that.

Grown women are not little girls who have no control or agency over their boundaries and bodies.

MyDogCafe · 17/12/2023 15:10

Some posters on here saying the guys an abuser! If he's an abuser he wouldn't have asked ffs.

Jesus Christ. Its actually quite frightening how naive and vulnerable believing this could make you. It’s the reason why theatre companies go into school to show more covert/hidden/subtle abuse in action, do that teens don’t start their life so clueless. My 15 year old is more clued up than you and has been for a good while.

Original poster
koolio · 17/12/2023 15:12

RedHotWings · 17/12/2023 14:58

How did he react to you hitting the roof etc. other than not leaving. Did he become annoyed, aggressive, apologetic, sulking etc?

He was apologetic

OP posts:
SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 15:12

How many other videos of women he’s dated for two months does he have on his phone?

A few, 10, 100s?

Your anger is the correct response.

If someone cares for you and values you, they don’t ask for this two months in.

he overstepped the mark and your rightly gave him a slap on the wrist.

He needs to apologise. Not the other way around.

At two months it’s a cheap ask.

Id be very cautious going further.

if things are fucked up now, he’s the problem, not you.

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 15:13

Trust your instincts OP. Don’t over question the anger.

RudsyFarmer · 17/12/2023 15:17

ShittingPeugeot · 17/12/2023 14:55

You have absolutely no proof to back this batshit claim up.

Show quote history

What’s funnier is you have zero proof it’s unlikely.

The OP has known this man a very short time and had such a visceral reaction against the idea she shocked herself. Out of the three of us I think she’s the most able to judge it and her body has literally screamed no. Tellingly this man then decided to stay the night anyway which is also very interesting in regard to a lack of boundaries.

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 15:17

And he did it right in the moment. What a fucking dick. This is the most intimate you can get with someone.

He sounds really immature.

MyDogCafe · 17/12/2023 15:18

@Flickersy No, I clearly said they could go what they liked. Do you struggle to read or with comprehension? Bless you.

BUT, everyone should be aware how society and porn bring so widely available has changed sexual expectations and the obvious and not so obvious consequences of that.

Girls from a young age are groomed to look and behave in certain ways to please men, even women who see it are living amongst it and with it. It’s hard to realise you’re not a victim of it. Much of it is like subliminal messaging.

If you can’t see it, it’s not my problem, but all women should be aware and that is why it is taught in good PSHE lessons at secondary school and all parents should discuss this with their teenagers.

Hiding thread now cos it grim.

OP, keep your bar way up high! 🙌

MayThe4th · 17/12/2023 15:20

Anyone who says you’re overreacting is wrong.
People are free to have no boundaries if they want, but that doesn’t make you wrong for having them.
And no. Asking someone you’ve known a couple of months if you can make what amounts to porn videos of them is definitely not normal. Anyone who thinks it is needs to get real. And while some may not, some men absolutely do show their mates, and worst case scenario, upload to the internet.
Revenge porn is a real risk, and the fact it’s illegal means nothing. Because once it’s on the internet you can never delete it.

RedHotWings · 17/12/2023 15:22

Thanks. Ultimately I think that the thing he asked to do requires a huge amount of trust and he shouldn't have asked. However you reacted, the act of asking was worse. So if it ends over this, I think that would be for the best. But he could just be an insensitive idiot rather than a predator.

wildthingsinthenight · 17/12/2023 15:23

Sparklfairy · 17/12/2023 13:26

You've made your boundary very clear, rightly so. He won't ask again.

Just be careful, if you do continue to see him, that he doesn't instead surreptitiously film you while you're 'distracted'.

Yes this.
He has shown he has a penchant for filming you. Be careful he isn't doing it without you knowing

10HailMarys · 17/12/2023 15:23

LifeExperience · 17/12/2023 14:02

He could have driven an hour home. He didn't respect your boundaries. Bin him.

He’d been drinking, so no he couldn’t have driven home.

OP, I don’t think you were unreasonable to say no and he also doesn’t think you were unreasonable, as he said himself the next day that he should never have asked. Maybe it was a little bit dramatic to say no in quite the way that you did, but you’d both been drinking and in any case, if something suddenly freaks you out during sex then it’s very understandable to react in a way that’s angry and scared.

Some people are into being filmed etc and that’s fine, but it’s clearly a massive risk to take for obvious reasons, especially given that you haven’t been seeing him very long. I suspect he does understand exactly why you reacted like that and feels bad for asking. So YANBU and I doubt you’ve ruined things - if anything is ruined, it was him that ruined it.

Nonplusultra · 17/12/2023 15:24

Do you think your feelings today might be part of being hungover? That awful wave of cringe/humiliation/shame can be part of the withdrawal. Often things that feel like that the morning after don’t seem nearly as awful when you’re properly sober.

It sounds like you’re struggling with the feeling of having been out of control. And yes, to an extent it was the alcohol talking.

But imagine if the alcohol had taken you the other way, and you’d agreed to things that you wouldn’t want to have done? And now there was video evidence.

I think you should be a lot kinder to yourself and be thanking those parts of your brain that even under alcohol were able to rise to your defence and protect you.

Porn culture is especially scary to those of us who grew up just before it took hold and aren’t caught up in it. Don't get me wrong, we had our own shit to deal with. It’s just that not growing up in that particular paradigm we recognise the insidious cool girl/be kind gaslighting.

Back in my day a lot of sex acts that are now normalised were part of bdsm culture, and understood to carry risks so safety and consent were high priorities. Those communities watch out for people who aren’t safe to play with and warned each other. Now all this stuff is mainstream, but without regard to safety or meaningful consent. And there’s an attitude that refusing to be videoed, anally penetrated, tied up, or choked makes you vanilla or a prude. Ironically it’s perfectly acceptable to decline any of those things in hardcore bdsm without being belittled. Now it takes serious courage in the mainstream world to admit that you feel uncomfortable.

Give it a day or two op to see how you feel.

cezannesapple · 17/12/2023 15:25

Nonplusultra · 17/12/2023 15:24

Do you think your feelings today might be part of being hungover? That awful wave of cringe/humiliation/shame can be part of the withdrawal. Often things that feel like that the morning after don’t seem nearly as awful when you’re properly sober.

It sounds like you’re struggling with the feeling of having been out of control. And yes, to an extent it was the alcohol talking.

But imagine if the alcohol had taken you the other way, and you’d agreed to things that you wouldn’t want to have done? And now there was video evidence.

I think you should be a lot kinder to yourself and be thanking those parts of your brain that even under alcohol were able to rise to your defence and protect you.

Porn culture is especially scary to those of us who grew up just before it took hold and aren’t caught up in it. Don't get me wrong, we had our own shit to deal with. It’s just that not growing up in that particular paradigm we recognise the insidious cool girl/be kind gaslighting.

Back in my day a lot of sex acts that are now normalised were part of bdsm culture, and understood to carry risks so safety and consent were high priorities. Those communities watch out for people who aren’t safe to play with and warned each other. Now all this stuff is mainstream, but without regard to safety or meaningful consent. And there’s an attitude that refusing to be videoed, anally penetrated, tied up, or choked makes you vanilla or a prude. Ironically it’s perfectly acceptable to decline any of those things in hardcore bdsm without being belittled. Now it takes serious courage in the mainstream world to admit that you feel uncomfortable.

Give it a day or two op to see how you feel.

This in spades. Very wise post.

mottytotty · 17/12/2023 15:25

10HailMarys · 17/12/2023 15:23

He’d been drinking, so no he couldn’t have driven home.

OP, I don’t think you were unreasonable to say no and he also doesn’t think you were unreasonable, as he said himself the next day that he should never have asked. Maybe it was a little bit dramatic to say no in quite the way that you did, but you’d both been drinking and in any case, if something suddenly freaks you out during sex then it’s very understandable to react in a way that’s angry and scared.

Some people are into being filmed etc and that’s fine, but it’s clearly a massive risk to take for obvious reasons, especially given that you haven’t been seeing him very long. I suspect he does understand exactly why you reacted like that and feels bad for asking. So YANBU and I doubt you’ve ruined things - if anything is ruined, it was him that ruined it.

Show quote history

Then he should have got a cab home.

Ignoring OP’s boundaries is not ok, she asked him to leave.

ExTheCheater · 17/12/2023 15:25

Your reaction was OTT. He asked, you just say no.