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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He asked if he could video me?

277 replies

koolio · 17/12/2023 13:20

Been seeing a man for the past couple of months, we are exclusive as in not seeing or sleeping with other people. Last night he came over and we had a few drinks, I drank a bit more than I should so admit I was a bit drunk.

Anyways, I was giving him oral and he said 'can I video you?' Instead of just saying 'no' I hit the roof. I pushed him away and said he had no respect for me to suggest that and that I would like him to leave my house. He never left and we went to bed and woke up with headaches this morning.

I've apologised for my complete overreaction (was it though?) and he has reassured me it's fine and he shouldn't have asked but he's left and I just feel dread that I've ruined everything. I really like this guy and can see it going somewhere.

So two questions -

AIBU to react the way I did? And if so, do you think I've ruined it?

OP posts:
MzHz · 17/12/2023 14:48

@koolio “AIBU to react the way I did? And if so, do you think I've ruined it?”

wtaf?! He asked to fucking video you and you said no - rightfully hitting the roof - and you’re worried that YOU ruined this?

why are your boundaries soooooo low?

he needs to leave asap and you don’t see him again

you might have blown him, but he’s blown the whole thing by being such a perv.

end it. (If you haven’t already done so… will skip back and read all your posts now.. ☺️

BIossomtoes · 17/12/2023 14:49

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 17/12/2023 14:45

Nobody “gets” someone else drunk. She got herself drunk. He asked, she said no and then completely over reacted. I don’t imagine she’ll see him for dust now

Terrific loss for the OP, I'm sure. 🙄Why do so many people dislike women having boundaries and enforcing them, I wonder?

No problem with anyone having boundaries, I’m all for it but just saying no would have been enough. No need for any roof hitting.

Original poster
koolio · 17/12/2023 14:49

I would not have hit the roof if it hadn't been for alcohol. That's why I think I've ruined it because why couldn't I just say sorry don't feel comfortable with that and leave it at that?

OP posts:
Marwoodsbigbreak · 17/12/2023 14:49

koolio · 17/12/2023 13:51

He didn't leave as he lives an hour away and had drove down. Nowhere for him to go, so I get that.

So you think he had a right to stay in your home after you told him to leave?

There are taxis, hotels, whatever.

theduchessofspork · 17/12/2023 14:51

dooneyousmugelf · 17/12/2023 14:45

No one on this thread has said OP wasn't right to say 'no'. That is sensible after all. Hitting the roof was overreacting.

Show quote history

No it isn’t.

I probably wouldn’t have reacted as strongly, but asking someone if they are Ok with being filmed, mid sex act, when you are both pissed, is going to make some people feel very vulnerable and really push their buttons.

It’s Ok he asked, just about, it’s also ok the op pushed back hard. Really if you want to introduce being filmed into a relationship it’s something to discuss when you’re both sober.

Emeraldrings · 17/12/2023 14:52

MyDogCafe · 17/12/2023 14:37

Enjoying watching consenually taken videos of your partner does not make you a bad man or a bad person.

Imo it does. Too early in a relationship, the trust isn’t there. Further on, the thought of anyone else viewing your partner is enough to make every decent man I’ve known not want to take the risk. Keep the memories in your head, safer all around. If you could trust everyone, it would be fine but you can’t. More fool you if you do but it’s your choice. You’ll note I added imo to my earlier post, if you read it properly. HTH.

If you trust your partner I don't see an issue and yes DH has videos of me giving him a BJ but I trust him. Why would other people see it unless you have a twat for a husband/wife/partner. I can't believe you'd make a judgement that someone is a bad person for making a consensual video.
OP you haven't had time to build a solid foundation of trust so it was absolutely fine and right to say no. Maybe you overreacted but that's how you felt and it sounds like he didn't push the issue.
I don't think you've ruined anything but if he dumps you over this then he's a twat and you deserve better.

MyDogCafe · 17/12/2023 14:53

But it doesn't make someone a bad person for asking or a bad person for enjoying video content of their partners. She may have been completely fine with it.

Many women enjoy sending their partners videos. Noone involved is bad if everyone understands the risks and freely consents.

I know women who have done this and they all now say that they felt they had to as it’s so normalised. Some even suggested it to impress. Some know these men showed it to their just as disgusting friends without consent.

My friend works with women who have suffered domestic violence, it’s common for this to be used as blackmail to keep them in line.

Women are constantly groomed into doing this by society. It starts young too, school boys pressuring girls to do it and then it’s the norm with every partner they have as they get older. It’s a real problem and if you think it’s not, you’re naive or maybe part of the problem.

Startrekkeruniverse · 17/12/2023 14:53

Flickersy · 17/12/2023 14:05

Not if he was drunk he couldn't.

He asked, OP said no. I would have said no too.

I do think hitting the roof is a bit of a overreaction. I don't think partners in relationships should be afraid to ask for what they want and I don't think it was wrong of him to ask.

Show quote history

I agree. He’s entitled to ask, she’s entitled to say no. He didn’t ask if he could murder her pet budgie, Jesus.

ShittingPeugeot · 17/12/2023 14:54

Shakeylegs · 17/12/2023 14:26

Personally I think you completely overreacted.

Most on here seem to think that the only reason he’d want a video was to show his mates / revenge porn. That’s just not true. I’ve been videod and asked for videos of partners with me and by themselves. I do it for myself, not anyone else.

Totally respect people not being into that; but it’s a normal thing to do, he asked you respectfully and it would’ve been fine to just say that you didn’t want to. You ‘hitting the roof’ after a reasonable question would be a red flag to me much more than his request.

I agree.

Some posters on here saying the guys an abuser! If he's an abuser he wouldn't have asked ffs.

Me and DH have videos of us being intimate, for our own entertainment to watch.
He would never show anyone or upload it anywhere.

I think you should always say no if you're not comfortable. He didn't push it and accepted your 'no.'

Your reaction is unhinged, being violent and pushing him IMO is worse than him ASKING if he can video you.

Riverstep · 17/12/2023 14:54

Just saying no would have been enough. Completely disagree that him asking this makes him a huge pervert or whatever, of course it doesn’t and people are allowed to have different sexual interests. A couple of months in to a relationship is too soon for that kind of thing though.

theduchessofspork · 17/12/2023 14:54

koolio · 17/12/2023 14:49

I would not have hit the roof if it hadn't been for alcohol. That's why I think I've ruined it because why couldn't I just say sorry don't feel comfortable with that and leave it at that?

Because it pushed your buttons to be asked something like that when you felt vulnerable.

It’s a perfectly ok reaction.

I don’t think he was terrible for asking, but it’s not ideal either - filming sex is something that should be discussed before hand, when you’re both sober.

chocolataupain · 17/12/2023 14:54

Shakeylegs · 17/12/2023 14:26

Personally I think you completely overreacted.

Most on here seem to think that the only reason he’d want a video was to show his mates / revenge porn. That’s just not true. I’ve been videod and asked for videos of partners with me and by themselves. I do it for myself, not anyone else.

Totally respect people not being into that; but it’s a normal thing to do, he asked you respectfully and it would’ve been fine to just say that you didn’t want to. You ‘hitting the roof’ after a reasonable question would be a red flag to me much more than his request.

Sorry but I agree with this.

Pottyberry · 17/12/2023 14:54

He might not have asked if the two if you hadn't drunk a lot, so don't feel bad that you got more upset and angry than you would if you were sober. He knew you were tipsy/drunk.
Some people like to do this, but he was pushing his luck in my opinion. Fine to say a firm "no".

ShittingPeugeot · 17/12/2023 14:55

RudsyFarmer · 17/12/2023 14:36

I rather like your reaction. That video would have ended up in all his mates phones and pornhub. Good choice saying no.

You have absolutely no proof to back this batshit claim up.

Universalsnail · 17/12/2023 14:56

MyDogCafe · 17/12/2023 14:53

But it doesn't make someone a bad person for asking or a bad person for enjoying video content of their partners. She may have been completely fine with it.

Many women enjoy sending their partners videos. Noone involved is bad if everyone understands the risks and freely consents.

I know women who have done this and they all now say that they felt they had to as it’s so normalised. Some even suggested it to impress. Some know these men showed it to their just as disgusting friends without consent.

My friend works with women who have suffered domestic violence, it’s common for this to be used as blackmail to keep them in line.

Women are constantly groomed into doing this by society. It starts young too, school boys pressuring girls to do it and then it’s the norm with every partner they have as they get older. It’s a real problem and if you think it’s not, you’re naive or maybe part of the problem.

That doesnt change the fact that though many women do enjoy it and send videos freely and happily with no coercion. Many women get off on sending videos to their partners. That's fine. Noone in that situation is a bad person.

I am sorry for people who felt like they had to do this or did it coerced or without really thinking it though. But people that do enjoy doing this both recieving them and sending them are not bad people because some people have their boundaries pushed or do something they regret.

VelvetVoice · 17/12/2023 14:56

YABU for not making he leave straight away - you were right. He has no respect for you and probably women in general.

AndThatWasNY · 17/12/2023 14:56

AmazingDayz · 17/12/2023 13:49

At least he asked and didn’t just pull his phone out mid way which has happened to me before

Jesus. I hope you got them to delete the video at the same time as deleting your phone number off their phone

Startrekkeruniverse · 17/12/2023 14:56

ShittingPeugeot · 17/12/2023 14:54

I agree.

Some posters on here saying the guys an abuser! If he's an abuser he wouldn't have asked ffs.

Me and DH have videos of us being intimate, for our own entertainment to watch.
He would never show anyone or upload it anywhere.

I think you should always say no if you're not comfortable. He didn't push it and accepted your 'no.'

Your reaction is unhinged, being violent and pushing him IMO is worse than him ASKING if he can video you.

Show quote history

👏

MyDogCafe · 17/12/2023 14:57

If you trust your partner I don't see an issue and yes DH has videos of me giving him a BJ but I trust him. Why would other people see it unless you have a twat for a husband/wife/partner. I can't believe you'd make a judgement that someone is a bad person for making a consensual video.

Even if you trust your partner, and I do trust mine after 25 years together, I don’t trust others. A phone gets stolen for example or someone hacks your iCloud or whatever. Any decent person in their right mind just wouldn’t take the risk imo. At least not anyone of class as decent. I’ll keep my standards where they are, you can do what you like.

RedHotWings · 17/12/2023 14:58

How did he react to you hitting the roof etc. other than not leaving. Did he become annoyed, aggressive, apologetic, sulking etc?

handyandie · 17/12/2023 14:58

OP I assume you are old enough to know the negative outcomes of this stuff. Don't let anyone film you in a compromising position, maybe if you're married and have complete control of the footage, but never in any other situation, especially not with a guy you've been with for two months.

The last thing you want is a video of you in this kind of position all over the internet.

Shouting and pushing him away was quite frankly far less of a reaction than he deserved.

QueenBitch666 · 17/12/2023 14:59

He's a creepy scrote. I'd ditch him 🤮

dooneyousmugelf · 17/12/2023 14:59

koolio · 17/12/2023 14:49

I would not have hit the roof if it hadn't been for alcohol. That's why I think I've ruined it because why couldn't I just say sorry don't feel comfortable with that and leave it at that?

Yep. It's not that you needed to apologise or say you weren't comfortable with it, a firm 'no' would've been enough.
I do wonder how many people here would be supporting your bf 'hitting the roof' over you asking him for something during sex rather than just declining.

BodyKeepingScore · 17/12/2023 14:59

LifeExperience · 17/12/2023 14:02

He could have driven an hour home. He didn't respect your boundaries. Bin him.

He could have driven home drunk?

Planesmistakenforstars · 17/12/2023 15:00

why couldn't I just say sorry don't feel comfortable with that and leave it at that?

Why would you preface your very valid answer with "sorry?" Why would you apologise for not complying with a sex act you are uncomfortable with?