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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He asked if he could video me?

277 replies

koolio · 17/12/2023 13:20

Been seeing a man for the past couple of months, we are exclusive as in not seeing or sleeping with other people. Last night he came over and we had a few drinks, I drank a bit more than I should so admit I was a bit drunk.

Anyways, I was giving him oral and he said 'can I video you?' Instead of just saying 'no' I hit the roof. I pushed him away and said he had no respect for me to suggest that and that I would like him to leave my house. He never left and we went to bed and woke up with headaches this morning.

I've apologised for my complete overreaction (was it though?) and he has reassured me it's fine and he shouldn't have asked but he's left and I just feel dread that I've ruined everything. I really like this guy and can see it going somewhere.

So two questions -

AIBU to react the way I did? And if so, do you think I've ruined it?

OP posts:
LostSocksBrigade · 17/12/2023 14:05

It's too new of a relationship for things like that surely? You don't really have a strong basis of trust established to know he wouldn't do anything untoward with it. I'm very surprised he felt confident/entitled enough to ask to be honest.

Flickersy · 17/12/2023 14:05

LifeExperience · 17/12/2023 14:02

He could have driven an hour home. He didn't respect your boundaries. Bin him.

Not if he was drunk he couldn't.

He asked, OP said no. I would have said no too.

I do think hitting the roof is a bit of a overreaction. I don't think partners in relationships should be afraid to ask for what they want and I don't think it was wrong of him to ask.

Winnipeggy · 17/12/2023 14:06

Why did he want to video you? To show people right? Your reaction was totally appropriate and he should have left when you told him to

ReindeerSneezes · 17/12/2023 14:06

koolio · 17/12/2023 13:51

He didn't leave as he lives an hour away and had drove down. Nowhere for him to go, so I get that.

If he has a phone to film, he has a phone to get a taxi/hotel/Uber and respect your boundaries and leave when asked.

StrawberryWater · 17/12/2023 14:08

Nobody in a relationship that is only months old should be asking (or agreeing to that). Also he should've left when you asked. He could've called a cab and got his car later.

I hope you tell him to never contact you again.

Rocksonabeach · 17/12/2023 14:11

So he gets a taxi home and come back the next day for his car.

LaurieStrode · 17/12/2023 14:11

Ugh.
You didn't over react.

Bin, bin, bin.

Laiste · 17/12/2023 14:12

You've been seeing him a couple of months and he asked to film you giving him a BJ .... classy 🙄

You were pissed so your reaction was probably less ... measured ... than it might have been if you were sober, but it was still the right one!

I'd be a bit sus about a bloke asking for this. Especially this early on. No respect.

Sugarsun · 17/12/2023 14:13

Yes you over reacted, a simple no would be fine.

I’m sure there may be things that you want to do and he doesn’t and I don’t think he should hit the roof over it.

Unless he has been drinking, then I would be very annoyed that he didn’t leave.

If I asked someone to leave and they didn’t, then it would be the last time I saw them.

Bertiesmum3 · 17/12/2023 14:14

LifeExperience · 17/12/2023 14:02

He could have driven an hour home. He didn't respect your boundaries. Bin him.

I’m sure they were both drinking alcohol

Ladyj84 · 17/12/2023 14:14

Yuck yuck yuck

SutWytTi · 17/12/2023 14:15

Your reaction was fine.

Don't compromise on this sort of stuff. Don't minimise it. Don't lower your standards.

SutWytTi · 17/12/2023 14:16

Rocksonabeach · 17/12/2023 14:11

So he gets a taxi home and come back the next day for his car.

I agree. He should have left when asked.

bonzaitree · 17/12/2023 14:20

Get him out of your life now.

At best he has watched too much porn. At worst he is an abuser.

You deserve someone who treats you respectfully.

bonzaitree · 17/12/2023 14:21

You did NOT overreact.

Your gut will tell you a lot- listen to it.

MyDogCafe · 17/12/2023 14:24

Good men don’t film their partners because of the risks involved imo. They definitely don’t bring it up when you’re drunk having known each other 5 minutes. It’s become something that has been normalised but it shouldn’t be. Keep the bar high.

He should have left when asked. I would not see him ever again.

Mumoftwo1312 · 17/12/2023 14:25

You have nothing to apologise for, op. You'd have no way of ensuring he deleted them if/when you broke up; he might well have videos of exes doing this. Awful, awful, awful

Shakeylegs · 17/12/2023 14:26

Personally I think you completely overreacted.

Most on here seem to think that the only reason he’d want a video was to show his mates / revenge porn. That’s just not true. I’ve been videod and asked for videos of partners with me and by themselves. I do it for myself, not anyone else.

Totally respect people not being into that; but it’s a normal thing to do, he asked you respectfully and it would’ve been fine to just say that you didn’t want to. You ‘hitting the roof’ after a reasonable question would be a red flag to me much more than his request.

Growlybear83 · 17/12/2023 14:27

I think you over reacted. He asked if he could record you and you very sensibly said no. I don't see why you got so angry with him.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 17/12/2023 14:28

Friendofdennis · 17/12/2023 13:29

There can be no good reason why he would want that. And you would have handed power to him. Your reaction was instinctive and self protecting

Wow.
the possibility that he likes to watch videos of his girlfriend and himself enjoying themselves for his own gratification later isn't an option in your mind?

OP you don't like this suggestion and were offended that he asked. That's fine, it's your feelings. But there is nothing inherently wrong with enjoying videos, and nothing necessarily nefarious about asking to video you. However I wouldn't do this with someone I wasn't sure I could trust, so not early in a relationship, but it's really not some degrading, degenerate, abusive act.

JenJenJenJenJenJen · 17/12/2023 14:29

It’s shocking to me that you even think you could be in the wrong here.

Do you have a background of struggling to set boundaries in relationships?

TravelInHope · 17/12/2023 14:30

Undineimmor · 17/12/2023 13:27

He wants to video so he can show his mates and post on sites if you break up. You were right to hit the roof.

Is a thing you just made up with no evidence whatsoever.

viques · 17/12/2023 14:30

I think he will ask again, and will rely on you being so embarrassed by your initial reaction that you say yes. He has already proved to you that he wants to push barriers, first by wanting to video you, then by not leaving when you asked.

He won’t give up, he thinks you are a walkover, and I agree with him, your boundaries sound very low.

Universalsnail · 17/12/2023 14:31

MyDogCafe · 17/12/2023 14:24

Good men don’t film their partners because of the risks involved imo. They definitely don’t bring it up when you’re drunk having known each other 5 minutes. It’s become something that has been normalised but it shouldn’t be. Keep the bar high.

He should have left when asked. I would not see him ever again.

Enjoying watching consenually taken videos of your partner does not make you a bad man or a bad person.

mottytotty · 17/12/2023 14:32

TravelInHope · 17/12/2023 14:30

Is a thing you just made up with no evidence whatsoever.

Show quote history

Why are you defending him? Do you do the same as him?