He asked if he could video me?

[koolio]

Been seeing a man for the past couple of months, we are exclusive as in not seeing or sleeping with other people. Last night he came over and we had a few drinks, I drank a bit more than I should so admit I was a bit drunk.

Anyways, I was giving him oral and he said 'can I video you?' Instead of just saying 'no' I hit the roof. I pushed him away and said he had no respect for me to suggest that and that I would like him to leave my house. He never left and we went to bed and woke up with headaches this morning.

I've apologised for my complete overreaction (was it though?) and he has reassured me it's fine and he shouldn't have asked but he's left and I just feel dread that I've ruined everything. I really like this guy and can see it going somewhere.

So two questions -

AIBU to react the way I did? And if so, do you think I've ruined it?

A bit of an over reaction I think.

Getting her drunk and then asking does make him a bad man.

Funny how these dickheads never want the woman to film them, isn’t it?

Have I have had partners who suggested videoing our lovemaking? Yes. And I have made a couple of videos. So, yes is the answer to your question. Consensual agreement and trust or at least discretion are the key factors.
He asked, she said no, end of. No big drama.

You don't want to end up all over the Internet trying to fulfill this man's desires (which incidentally will never be satiated). Please end this before you really get hurt. This obsession with filming / videoing everything is deeply worrying and unnecessary. I prefer the days where there was only one person at a function with a camcorder!

I rather like your reaction. That video would have ended up in all his mates phones and pornhub. Good choice saying no.

Lovemaking 🤣

Enjoying watching consenually taken videos of your partner does not make you a bad man or a bad person.

Imo it does. Too early in a relationship, the trust isn’t there. Further on, the thought of anyone else viewing your partner is enough to make every decent man I’ve known not want to take the risk. Keep the memories in your head, safer all around. If you could trust everyone, it would be fine but you can’t. More fool you if you do but it’s your choice. You’ll note I added imo to my earlier post, if you read it properly. HTH.

Her post doesn't read like he "got her drunk". It reads like they both consenually got drunk together and then during a sex act he asked her if he minded he did something.

Why do you act like women have no agency and can't get themselves drunk willingly 🙄

Also it's just not true that men don't want people to record them. Many men are happy to be filmed and give and share videos back. We've got zero information about whether this guy is happy about being filmed or not.

You didn’t overreact - for most people this would be dramatically over the line. (Not for everyone, but most.)

He didn’t leave when you asked him to.

If you do keep seeing him you need to be very clear about boundaries. Really keep an eye on him.

Nobody “gets” someone else drunk. She got herself drunk. He asked, she said no and then completely over reacted. I don’t imagine she’ll see him for dust now.

You have boundaries? You feel guilty why? I’ve never let partners photo or film me - what if I get famous, I used to think. I never did make the big time, but I never got revenge porned either. 🤣

That’s probably for the best.

Quite apart from the enormous disrespect this demonstrates, the question is what he intended to do with the video afterwards? There was a thread on here a few days ago where the OP had discovered that she was all over Pornhub and goodness knows where else. I don't think you overreacted at all.

Personally....

I do not think you overreacted.
It's problematic in a few different ways for me.

And I also think if he wanted to do that he could have asked before you engaged in sexual relations. By doing it mid-event he was putting you on the spot which adds pressure to say yes. This is an extra layer of manipulation.

'Hitting the roof' was an overreaction. He asked a question. Didn't pressure you or try to pull anything on you. You could say yes or no. I don't agree that your reaction was valid. Hitting the roof isn't right in most scenarios.

It's risky to do this early in a relationship yes and I think she was right to say no.

But it doesn't make someone a bad person for asking or a bad person for enjoying video content of their partners. She may have been completely fine with it.

Many women enjoy sending their partners videos. Noone involved is bad if everyone understands the risks and freely consents.

Beware anyone telling you that you overreacted. You did what you felt was right at the time. You may have protected yourself from a lot of issues down the line. Trust your gut. There are a lot of people who want to stamp over others sexual boundaries, they’re questionable people.

You’ve known this dude for two months, YANBU to react like that. What is unreasonable is you second guessing yourself and worrying more about his feelings. WTAF is wrong with you?

YOU haven't ruined anything, HE HAS!!

How is asking someone if a sex thing was ok and then respecting their no when they no "stamping all over someone's sexual boundaries?

No one on this thread has said OP wasn't right to say 'no'. That is sensible after all. Hitting the roof was overreacting.

Probably the first gobble of his life?

No it doesn’t, but she isn’t his partner - they’ve been seeing each other a couple of months, and at this point they were both drunk.

I don’t think I’d have reacted as strongly as the OP, but her reaction is valid - this was not an appropriate time for him to ask. If you’re going to allow yourself to be filmed in a sexually explicit way you need to know and trust the person as much as possible, and to be fully consenting (ie not pissed).

Nobody “gets” someone else drunk. She got herself drunk. He asked, she said no and then completely over reacted. I don’t imagine she’ll see him for dust now

Terrific loss for the OP, I'm sure. 🙄Why do so many people dislike women having boundaries and enforcing them, I wonder?

You can have boundaries and set them and say no to something without "hitting the roof".