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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a crap about mums new family

231 replies

Twobigsapphires · 17/12/2023 09:56

Back story, I have a distant, fractured relationship with my dm.
mum was adapted as a baby and had a lovely childhood (her words) with much adored and now sadly missed adoptive parents / grandparents to me. I appreciate mum had always wondered about her bio parents and 5 years ago managed to trace them.

Mum has always felt alone after my grandparents passed, they had no other dc and wider aunts and uncles were all either deceased or moved countries etc. Dm has always talked about wanting a big family. Fast forward to now and she is totally obsessed with her ‘new’ family it’s driving me bonkers. I’m happy for her and she is lucky to have been welcomed by both bio parents into their lives, but I’m just not interested and it’s upsetting dm.

Her bio mum lives 4 hour drive away, she never has any other dc and now widowed lives with her sister and niece. The set up is a bit like the golden girls. I met them once, they are nice people and have welcomed mum into their life. Mum refers to the niece, her cousin as her sister. It’s a bit full on for me.

Her bio dad lives about an hour from bio mum, so 5 hours from her. He also never had any more dc but lives with his wife who has 2 friends up daughters, his step daughters. Again, I have met them once. Nice enough, but not my kind of people. Mum also refers to her bio dad’s step daughters as her new sisters. It’s all a bit intense and fake for me, but it makes mum happy.

Here’s the Aibu. She visits new family probably once every 3 months. They never cone to her, she always travels to them and stays over. She was due to go this weekend for Xmas get together but her dp, who usually takes her, in unwell with covid. She asked me to drive her, or my Dh as she knows I have a health condition which flares with driving. I said no. She’s now upset claiming as her bio dad is quite old this may be her last Xmas with him etc.

My reasoning for saying no is I’m not fit enough to drive that distance. I’m not asking Dh as we have plans this weekend, nothing exciting, but finishing up laying flooring in our dining room which we want done so we can host Xmas!

I don’t see the harm in her do taking her in the new year. She is so obsessed with her new family she expects everyone else to feel the same about them, but I don’t. There’s no feelings of loss for me and no bond there when I met them. Mum would like me to visit them with her more, but I’m not interested.

OP posts:
SweetFemaleAttitude · 17/12/2023 10:00

Well it's up to you I suppose, but this is absolutely huge for your mum.

I can only imagine how she feels finding her new family. It must be bloody amazing.

You just sound jealous and a bit selfish about it all I must say.

Imagine how much it would mean to your mum of you actually acted like you gave a shit.

MugsAplentyForMe · 17/12/2023 10:01

her bio dad is quite old this may be her last Xmas with him etc.

Tbf, if her DP has Covid then she’ll likely be testing positive any day. If she does go and visit, she could be taking covid with her and finish him off! Maybe point that out to her because it’s been hell for us with it this last week.

BookWorm45 · 17/12/2023 10:01

So while there is a backstory for you about the adoptive upbringing of your mother, the real question you are asking is how best could your mother travel 4 hrs driving distance. I'm not sure which way round your AIBU vote is.

Can your mother drive herself ? Or train, coach, or even hire car / taxi ? Is there some reason why she has to be driven by another person and can't use public transport ?

MigGirl · 17/12/2023 10:02

YaNBU to have no bond with them and not want to see them. I also struggle with long distance driving due to health and don't see my own family as often as I would like.

Can your mum not get a train or bus there? My gran often got the Bus to visit us in her old age. Similar distance meant my parents didn't have to drive that far with young children.

BookWorm45 · 17/12/2023 10:02

Also agree with PP that if your mum's partner has Covid, she definitely shouldn't be going to visit elderly relatives.

Hoglet70 · 17/12/2023 10:02

Surely she can get the train unless she isn't in full health. As you already have your weekend planned I think you are well within your rights not to take her anyway without taking your condition into the equation. It's very short notice.

WillowTit · 17/12/2023 10:03

yes, she shouldnt go with covid in the house
can you plan to go in the new year

LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 17/12/2023 10:04

I think you’re coming across as a bit jealous that she’s investing all this time in her new family and not you.
i understand that you may have things to do this weekend but it would be a nice gesture
Your ‘new’ GP must be quite old and may not have many more years - maybe this is the reason they don’t come to your mum as they are unable to?
I think it’s lovely that she’s found them and it may give her a sense of belonging - you are in the lucky position of having a family member - she is adopted with dead adoptive parents - technically an orphan. Imagine yourself in that position. You might then be able to see why she wants to see them.

MigGirl · 17/12/2023 10:06

@MugsAplentyForMe has a very good point about your mum spreading covid to her elderly parents. She should probably wait until after everyone is well before going.

heartofglass23 · 17/12/2023 10:07

These are your grandparents, I can't understand your mindset on this.

Re: the driving she should make her own way on public transport

GabriellaMontez · 17/12/2023 10:07

It's such a busy time of year.

I'm amazed anyone would have time/ask for an 8 hour (return) lift.

Even without considering your health condition/ covid... it would be a no from me.

I can't believe she's asked. How selfish.

Original poster
Twobigsapphires · 17/12/2023 10:15

Mum can’t drive, she is physically ok to get a bus / train but mentally she wouldn’t cope. She’d have to take several trains, tubes across London and she’s never done that before so would never do that. Plus she’d be travelling with a heap of gifts etc. so not feasible.

My sister has driven her before but she’s at center parcs this weekend.

She and her do don’t live together so I have no idea if she’s been in contact with him whilst he’s been testing positive for covid or not.

This weekend is the last chance to finish the flooring in our dining room before xmas. We need the dining room back in action to host Xmas (which includes mum)! Even if we didn’t have plans I still don’t think it’s fair to ask Dh to drive 5 hours there and back or stay over just because mum says it won’t be the same seeing them in the new year! And one of the family members is going on holiday in the new year so she wouldn’t see them. I get it means a lot to her, I think there is some trauma train of thought that she has to see them or the bond breaks, she gets panicky about missing a visit. She doesn’t understand why we (my sis and I) don’t feel the same.

OP posts:
GreatGateauxsby · 17/12/2023 10:15

She can take trains / taxis and /or they can meet her…

VWT5 · 17/12/2023 10:18

You aren’t being unreasonable.
But you are unreasonable to say “not give a crap” in your header - that’s disrespectful language.

Yes, it’s massive for your mum that she has met both her parents and who are both still alive, I think your job is to be enthusiastic with her and share her joy, on the phone when you speak, I would say be as supportive as you can, ask questions - but you don’t have to be fully involved (especially with the distances involved)

Your mum is being massively unreasonable to see you as the solution to driving 4 hours to take her - when she only lives an hour from them, plus the covid issue.

Gallowayan · 17/12/2023 10:19

Why does she need you to drive her there? If she can't drive, could she not use public transport? Just politely say you are not feeling it and don't feel any need to visit them

Issues of abandonment can be very potent and her recent attachment to her birth parents is obviously OTT because they have never tried to contact her.

Violetparis · 17/12/2023 10:24

Suggest she gets a train part way there if she doesnt' want to change/do tubes etc. Maybe you could drop her at the train station going if it's not too far and her other family can pick her up at the other end.

OhChristmassTree · 17/12/2023 10:28

YANBU. It's sad for your mum but her dp has Covid and you and your sister have other plans. These things happen and she needs to accept it.
It's totally unreasonable to expect you or your husband to do a 10 hr round trip!

If her new family were that keen, one of them could come and get her.

LardyCakeAgain · 17/12/2023 10:31

How much of this is about your feeling of loss over your adoptive GPs, and their "replacement"?

ImTheGoat · 17/12/2023 10:35

I think generally speaking YABU in your attitude towards her new family but YANBu for not wanting to drive her all that way.

FairytaleOfKent · 17/12/2023 10:38

Your DM needs to suck it up and accept that this visit is happening. You should probably try to be more positive about her reconnection to her bio family but she is unreasonable to try to push you into feeling something that you don't feel.

Octavia64 · 17/12/2023 10:39

It's a long way just before Christmas when most people are extremely busy.

I wouldn't be doing it. You've offered to take her at a time when you are less busy and which is not too far away.

This is regardless of your relationship with her - I wouldn't do this for any of my family and I like them.

dottiedodah · 17/12/2023 10:40

I see that you probably feel a bit sidelined maybe? You and your Sis have had Mum to yourselves all this while .She no doubt feels a bit disappointed that you dont seem interested .I do think that short notice like this is not really workable though .Could she not get a Coach maybe ? They go to most towns .Otherwise she will have to wait until New Year ,I think she shouldnt expect lifts all the time ,its a long way to go ,can she see if they may visit her ?

Original poster
Twobigsapphires · 17/12/2023 10:40

Sorry to be clear, the drive would be 4-5 hours from both mum and I. To be honest it would take her longer via public transport too.
I was being kind of flippant when I said I didn’t give a crap, to me these are nice enough people but not my family. I appreciate they are important to my mum, but so are her friends, but I wouldn’t feel the need to drive 10 hours r take her to see her mate!

OP posts:
Sugarsun · 17/12/2023 10:41

Are you jealous of the new family?

I completely understand not wanting to drive that distance but your post comes across very jealous.

Is there a reason you can’t do the flooring next week after work?

It would be a 10 hour round trip which is insane.

I would help her book a train or coach and offer to drive part of the way/drop her off and pick her up from the station instead.

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2023 10:43

Christ, that really warmed the heart. I feel sorry for your mum. ☹️