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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a crap about mums new family

231 replies

Twobigsapphires · 17/12/2023 09:56

Back story, I have a distant, fractured relationship with my dm.
mum was adapted as a baby and had a lovely childhood (her words) with much adored and now sadly missed adoptive parents / grandparents to me. I appreciate mum had always wondered about her bio parents and 5 years ago managed to trace them.

Mum has always felt alone after my grandparents passed, they had no other dc and wider aunts and uncles were all either deceased or moved countries etc. Dm has always talked about wanting a big family. Fast forward to now and she is totally obsessed with her ‘new’ family it’s driving me bonkers. I’m happy for her and she is lucky to have been welcomed by both bio parents into their lives, but I’m just not interested and it’s upsetting dm.

Her bio mum lives 4 hour drive away, she never has any other dc and now widowed lives with her sister and niece. The set up is a bit like the golden girls. I met them once, they are nice people and have welcomed mum into their life. Mum refers to the niece, her cousin as her sister. It’s a bit full on for me.

Her bio dad lives about an hour from bio mum, so 5 hours from her. He also never had any more dc but lives with his wife who has 2 friends up daughters, his step daughters. Again, I have met them once. Nice enough, but not my kind of people. Mum also refers to her bio dad’s step daughters as her new sisters. It’s all a bit intense and fake for me, but it makes mum happy.

Here’s the Aibu. She visits new family probably once every 3 months. They never cone to her, she always travels to them and stays over. She was due to go this weekend for Xmas get together but her dp, who usually takes her, in unwell with covid. She asked me to drive her, or my Dh as she knows I have a health condition which flares with driving. I said no. She’s now upset claiming as her bio dad is quite old this may be her last Xmas with him etc.

My reasoning for saying no is I’m not fit enough to drive that distance. I’m not asking Dh as we have plans this weekend, nothing exciting, but finishing up laying flooring in our dining room which we want done so we can host Xmas!

I don’t see the harm in her do taking her in the new year. She is so obsessed with her new family she expects everyone else to feel the same about them, but I don’t. There’s no feelings of loss for me and no bond there when I met them. Mum would like me to visit them with her more, but I’m not interested.

OP posts:
WillowTit · 17/12/2023 11:38

surely they are your family?

fedupwithbeinghot · 17/12/2023 11:39

YANBU. These people are not your family and you clearly feel no attachment to them. Your mother was not a great mother, for what you are describing, and she's now desperately trying to hold onto her newly found family to help her cope with her own issues. I feel sorry for her but what she's asking for is simply too much. She needs to learn to use public transport if she wants to maintain that new relationship.

I don't know why other posters are saying that you sound jealous. To me, you don't sound jealous at all. You simply have no time or will to drive 10 hours to visit some people who are strangers to you

Gitfeatures · 17/12/2023 11:39

She can use public transport. The fact that she has never travelled across London before does note equal being incapable of doing so.

PaperDoIIs · 17/12/2023 11:40

WillowTit · 17/12/2023 11:38

surely they are your family?

Blood doesn't make them family. Definitely not enough to waste 10 hours driving at this time of year.

HikingforScenery · 17/12/2023 11:41

You sound jealous of your mum’s new family tbh.

Could your DH drive her part of the way and then she can catch public transport there too?
I cannot imagine not doing this for my mum tbh

Allfur · 17/12/2023 11:41

Could you accompany her part of the way, eg get her to London and put her on the right train

GerriKellman · 17/12/2023 11:42

OPs mum is clearly not that old, if her own biological parents are still living, she should not need to be accompanied around like a child.

Blinkityblonk · 17/12/2023 11:43

Surely it would be fine to be jealous though? I mean if your mum who didn't bring you up initially and then brought a nasty step dad in and never prioritised you then finds a whole new family which they do prioritise. I think jealousy might be an entirely natural emotion. No reason for you to facilitate her new family though, that's for her to do.

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2023 11:43

HikingforScenery · 17/12/2023 11:41

You sound jealous of your mum’s new family tbh.

Could your DH drive her part of the way and then she can catch public transport there too?
I cannot imagine not doing this for my mum tbh

OP has since clarified though that her childhood relationship with her mum didn’t exactly resemble the Waltons so her attitude now is more understandable.

ThornInMySide84 · 17/12/2023 11:44

Your attitude is really off. They are your family, biologically. They are also clearly important to your Mum. I don’t really understand your position of forced indifference to what are actually done if your closest relatives.

Blinkityblonk · 17/12/2023 11:45

I'm amazed that everyone would drop everything, drive 4/5 hours, presumably stay overnight, then 4/5 hours back just at the drop of a hat with someone whom may well have Covid in the car, regardless of background or reason. Most people are working, prepping for Christmas.

WillowTit · 17/12/2023 11:46

they are still your blood relatives
fair enough if this is a bad weekend to drive

Blinkityblonk · 17/12/2023 11:46

And what's all this 'biological family'? The OP had a family, a loving one with grandparents who cared for her in their own homey, more than her mum! Why does biology trump that?

Sapphire387 · 17/12/2023 11:47

Oh, for the love of God.

Look, I feel sorry for your mum. But she sounds a bit ridiculous, not being able to make a journey by public transport. This is her problem to fix, not yours, and it is completely unreasonable to ask someone to 'give you a lift' for THAT sort of a distance.

Regardless of whether she enjoys trying to form a bond with her biological relatives, you're not required to feel the same or do the same. But tbh, even in a more regular family set-up, this is a big ask.

I don't think you sound jealous. My mum recently looked up some info about her bio dad who had abandoned her as a child. It's taken her this long - she's in her sixties and he is dead.

We all listened for a while but there came a point where it was very frequent and I had to tell her this was 'her thing', I did not consider him a grandparent and I wasn't interested in the details of him, his life or his relatives.

It doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with her anyway. You need to do what you need to do. YANBU.

PaperDoIIs · 17/12/2023 11:48

ThornInMySide84 · 17/12/2023 11:44

Your attitude is really off. They are your family, biologically. They are also clearly important to your Mum. I don’t really understand your position of forced indifference to what are actually done if your closest relatives.

Nope. It's the romanticisation of adoptions and finding bio families complete with forced relationships and must care because blood that is off.

EmmaEmerald · 17/12/2023 11:48

Sapphire387 · 17/12/2023 11:47

Oh, for the love of God.

Look, I feel sorry for your mum. But she sounds a bit ridiculous, not being able to make a journey by public transport. This is her problem to fix, not yours, and it is completely unreasonable to ask someone to 'give you a lift' for THAT sort of a distance.

Regardless of whether she enjoys trying to form a bond with her biological relatives, you're not required to feel the same or do the same. But tbh, even in a more regular family set-up, this is a big ask.

I don't think you sound jealous. My mum recently looked up some info about her bio dad who had abandoned her as a child. It's taken her this long - she's in her sixties and he is dead.

We all listened for a while but there came a point where it was very frequent and I had to tell her this was 'her thing', I did not consider him a grandparent and I wasn't interested in the details of him, his life or his relatives.

It doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with her anyway. You need to do what you need to do. YANBU.

This.

YouStupidGirl · 17/12/2023 11:52

So these people gave your dm up at birth - and you are supposed to be full of the rosy glow of affection for them why exactly??

YANBU. I wouldn't give my dm an 8 hour round trip anywhere but especially not at Christmas. She's weird and a CF to even ask.

WillowTit · 17/12/2023 11:52

i do agree though she should have made her own plans, posted the parcels, travelled by coach - suggest she do this

Merrymouse · 17/12/2023 11:55

ThornInMySide84 · 17/12/2023 11:44

Your attitude is really off. They are your family, biologically. They are also clearly important to your Mum. I don’t really understand your position of forced indifference to what are actually done if your closest relatives.

They aren’t though. The OP’s mum was adopted, so legally she already has grand parents, and even genetically these are grandparents and great aunts and second cousins.

They also don’t seem desperate to visit the OP.

DidiAskYouThough · 17/12/2023 11:55

Dacadactyl · 17/12/2023 10:54

I feel REALLY sorry for your mum!

Why? She left OP to be raised by other people.

What’s your mothers ‘do’ OP? Boyfriend? She shouldn’t go near elderly people if she’s been around her covid-y boyfriend.
Does it matter if you care or don’t care about her relatives? The thread is about a tedious drive.

Sunnydays0101 · 17/12/2023 11:57

Could your DP drive/collect her from a train station where she can than travel direct without and changes?

Badgerstriper · 17/12/2023 12:00

Exactly! There are plenty of examples of blood relatives being awful to each other which surely shows that the biological link is not an assurance of a good relationship. Obviously different for everyone but I was adopted at birth, had a wonderful upbringing and feel absolutely no connection to my bio mother or father. I feel no ill will either - essentially sperm and egg donors?! My adoptive parents are and always will be enough.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/12/2023 12:00

YANBU. All the people that say 'she's your mum' are coming from a place where they have a positive and loving relationship with their mum. People who have a shit mum know and understand where you're coming from.

If she wants to go she needs to do a Covid test to make sure she's ok to go. She needs to take public transport but as a compromise you'll take her/ or organise a taxi to take her to a mainline station so she doesn't have to cross London on her own. Parcels can all be sent in the post if they're too much to carry.

Those are her options. She can take it or leave it.

lovescats3 · 17/12/2023 12:02

Shouldn't be visiting if she has COVID Iin her house

ginasevern · 17/12/2023 12:04

"I appreciate they are important to my mum, but so are her friends, but I wouldn’t feel the need to drive 10 hours r take her to see her mate!"

Firstly OP, I don't think you actually do appreciate how important your Mum's bio family are to her. Secondly, to suggest it is on the same level as her seeing "her mate" is absolutely not in the same ball park, or even the same planet, which also betrays your lack of understanding.

There has been so much written, explored and discussed about adoptees and their sense of abandonment, rejection and deep seated trauma along with the overwhelming desire to belong and be accepted by their blood family (regardless of whether they had a happy childhood) that I'm suprised you can't seem to grasp the enormity of this situation.