To not give a crap about mums new family

[Twobigsapphires]

Back story, I have a distant, fractured relationship with my dm.
mum was adapted as a baby and had a lovely childhood (her words) with much adored and now sadly missed adoptive parents / grandparents to me. I appreciate mum had always wondered about her bio parents and 5 years ago managed to trace them.

Mum has always felt alone after my grandparents passed, they had no other dc and wider aunts and uncles were all either deceased or moved countries etc. Dm has always talked about wanting a big family. Fast forward to now and she is totally obsessed with her ‘new’ family it’s driving me bonkers. I’m happy for her and she is lucky to have been welcomed by both bio parents into their lives, but I’m just not interested and it’s upsetting dm.

Her bio mum lives 4 hour drive away, she never has any other dc and now widowed lives with her sister and niece. The set up is a bit like the golden girls. I met them once, they are nice people and have welcomed mum into their life. Mum refers to the niece, her cousin as her sister. It’s a bit full on for me.

Her bio dad lives about an hour from bio mum, so 5 hours from her. He also never had any more dc but lives with his wife who has 2 friends up daughters, his step daughters. Again, I have met them once. Nice enough, but not my kind of people. Mum also refers to her bio dad’s step daughters as her new sisters. It’s all a bit intense and fake for me, but it makes mum happy.

Here’s the Aibu. She visits new family probably once every 3 months. They never cone to her, she always travels to them and stays over. She was due to go this weekend for Xmas get together but her dp, who usually takes her, in unwell with covid. She asked me to drive her, or my Dh as she knows I have a health condition which flares with driving. I said no. She’s now upset claiming as her bio dad is quite old this may be her last Xmas with him etc.

My reasoning for saying no is I’m not fit enough to drive that distance. I’m not asking Dh as we have plans this weekend, nothing exciting, but finishing up laying flooring in our dining room which we want done so we can host Xmas!

I don’t see the harm in her do taking her in the new year. She is so obsessed with her new family she expects everyone else to feel the same about them, but I don’t. There’s no feelings of loss for me and no bond there when I met them. Mum would like me to visit them with her more, but I’m not interested.

Even if you had a reasonably close normal relationship with your mother I think expecting you to drive her somewhere for 8 to 10 hours is unbelievable. She is presumably less than 60 years old so should be able to take public transport including a taxi across London if necessary. Anyway, this isn't her last chance to see them and she can go in the new year ffs.

DH's mother was similar with her demands despite not bringing him up herself. The people who think you should do this are clueless.

YANBU. Perhaps a member of the new family can come and pick her up. IF they don't actually mind being in contact with somebody whose partner has covid - she needs to disclose that and give them a choice.

I get that it is painful and wrapped in trauma for her, but none of this is yours or your DH's or your DS's responsibility.

And she was abandoned, seemingly permanently with zero relationship with her parents, for what - 50 years?

People cannot chuck their own trauma away so easily. It wasn't OP's mother's fault she was discarded/abandoned/not wanted for so long and it's unlikely to be her mother's fault that her adverse experiences led to her being unable or not equipped to be able to fully parent her own children.

It's so sad that so much damage has been done to both from infancy.

YANBU, but I do think that there is some room for small compromises from all involved if you feel inclined (or simply want a quiet life!)

Could you offer to drop your DM off at the train station and post the Christmas gifts she's planning to take with her, so she doesn't have to carry them on public transport? I think that would show willing on your part, without having to go too far out of your way (or risk the dining room floor not being done before the 25th!)

You mention the new "sisters", you DM has connected with; would one of them be willing to meet your DM off the train in London and help her navigate across the city? I know for anyone not used to it it really can feel overwhelming, but with another person who hopefully has some experience with her, fingers crossed your DM will think it more manageable.

Whatever gets decided, I wouldn't be doing an 8 hour drive the week before Christmas either - and what happens when she's ready to come home? Are you expected to do another 8 hour round trip? Nope, not for me, but I hope your DM manages to find something which works for her, without all those around her (particularly OP) having to change their own plans.

The OP was brought up by her grandparents till she was 6, and then lived with her father from 11 because her mother was in an abusive relationship. Her mother has not shown much interest in being a grandparent.

So, the OP does have a difficult relationship with her mother, and plenty of reasons to feel wary about getting involved with this new drama.

I didn't think you were unreasonable from your first post but given this update you're not in the least bit unreasonable in not being interested in this "new family"

100 %

She was adopted at birth. There is no indication that she wasn’t very much wanted by her adoptive parents.

Obviously adoption is not always easy, but plenty of adoptees live very settled, happy lives with living parents.

I agree people who have had the good fortune of warm loving parents will never understand how it can impact you if you haven’t. I wouldn’t do that lift or expect my husband to nor would I probably be interested in your DM’s newfound family. It’s not a case of being jealous more indifferent I imagine

If you would do it if it was your grandparents but not for your mum's parents then I would say YABU. But if it is a case of no time/not well enough then is reasonable to say no.

Your mum should question if going is the best idea though incase she gets ill.

@NeverDropYourMooncup none of that means that OP's mum has the right to expect a stupidly long lift(at any point ,but especially now) and then throw a strop when being told no.

I also wonder how many of the posters sniffling in their handkerchiefs "but it's family, it's blood" are actually adopted or have any real life experience of it.

You have to primarily look after your own health. Driving that far makes you sick so that's that.

Knowing this I would never expect my DS to take me anywhere of distance. But it appears that yet again it's all about your DM.

Her family can come and get her or meet her half way.

To be fair to you, I don’t think YABU. They’re not making any effort to travel to your DM’s house and whilst it’s unfortunate your DM can’t get a lift with her DP unless she can bite the bullet and do the tricky journey then she’ll have to leave it.

I wouldn't ask for what is a 16 hour in all trip - assume that your DM would also need a lift home, Op?

Have l missed why she couldn't use public transport?

YANBU

Sounds like she's been a poor excuse of a mother to you.

Ridiculous comment.

This is fulfilling your dm’s needs, not yours. I would not get involved.

I’m not adopted but DB’s ex girlfriend was in care (so LC with her DM), an ex boyfriend of mine was adopted but no interest in his bio mum and a fostered aunt/cousin to me never knew her DM and saw her father sporadically.

So I get that though for some “it’s family and blood” for a lot of these people they’re not invested in bio parents who in a lot of cases opted out of a relationship with them.

Yes, I’d be resenting the hell out of this in the OP’s shoes. She’s protecting herself and prioritising herself in a messy, complex situation, which is always a good idea.

It's too big an ask, she can get public transport, if the changes are too much she can get a taxi / lift to the railway station

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain exactly. I am adopted and none of these bs generalisations and what honestly amounts to emotional blackmail apply.

True, some do. And some - a significant number - don't, even with loving parents, financial security and going straight from hospital to new family without 1-2 years in care/various foster placements and people disappearing from their lives before they can even verbalise the feelings of abandonment first.

She wasn't one of the lucky ones that avoided attachment issues and trauma, birth or prenatal damage or the impact of a lifetime thinking about why her birth parents didn't want her/what was wrong with her that they didn't want her/etc.

Biologically they are OPs grandparents but she clearly considers her mother's adoptive parents to be her grandparents. She's happy for her mum to have a relationship with her biological parents and thinks they're nice enough people but isn't interested in a relationship with them. Entirely reasonable to make this decision. Maybe saying she 'doesn't give a crap' is a bit strong though.

Expecting your husband to drive for 10 hours and potentially get a hotel or stay over night with strangers - or drove there and back both days so you p hours is completely unreasonable.

unfortunately she can’t go.

I get this is a woman who has let you down your whole life and now her expectations are unrealistically high.