To not give a crap about mums new family

[Twobigsapphires]

Back story, I have a distant, fractured relationship with my dm.
mum was adapted as a baby and had a lovely childhood (her words) with much adored and now sadly missed adoptive parents / grandparents to me. I appreciate mum had always wondered about her bio parents and 5 years ago managed to trace them.

Mum has always felt alone after my grandparents passed, they had no other dc and wider aunts and uncles were all either deceased or moved countries etc. Dm has always talked about wanting a big family. Fast forward to now and she is totally obsessed with her ‘new’ family it’s driving me bonkers. I’m happy for her and she is lucky to have been welcomed by both bio parents into their lives, but I’m just not interested and it’s upsetting dm.

Her bio mum lives 4 hour drive away, she never has any other dc and now widowed lives with her sister and niece. The set up is a bit like the golden girls. I met them once, they are nice people and have welcomed mum into their life. Mum refers to the niece, her cousin as her sister. It’s a bit full on for me.

Her bio dad lives about an hour from bio mum, so 5 hours from her. He also never had any more dc but lives with his wife who has 2 friends up daughters, his step daughters. Again, I have met them once. Nice enough, but not my kind of people. Mum also refers to her bio dad’s step daughters as her new sisters. It’s all a bit intense and fake for me, but it makes mum happy.

Here’s the Aibu. She visits new family probably once every 3 months. They never cone to her, she always travels to them and stays over. She was due to go this weekend for Xmas get together but her dp, who usually takes her, in unwell with covid. She asked me to drive her, or my Dh as she knows I have a health condition which flares with driving. I said no. She’s now upset claiming as her bio dad is quite old this may be her last Xmas with him etc.

My reasoning for saying no is I’m not fit enough to drive that distance. I’m not asking Dh as we have plans this weekend, nothing exciting, but finishing up laying flooring in our dining room which we want done so we can host Xmas!

I don’t see the harm in her do taking her in the new year. She is so obsessed with her new family she expects everyone else to feel the same about them, but I don’t. There’s no feelings of loss for me and no bond there when I met them. Mum would like me to visit them with her more, but I’m not interested.

This. Have a good Christmas OP

OP you’d be better off going on to the thread ‘But We Took You to Stately Homes!’ For victims of shit relatives, this thread is just getting bogged down in adoption/but they’re faaaamily crap that’s irrelevant to you.

The woman discarded you till you were 6, then inflicted child abuse on you by exposing you to her abusive relationship. That’s horrific, unjustifiable, and I hope you’ve had therapy.

Another thought apart from posting the presents. Could you set up a FaceTime session for your DM on Christmas Day so she can chat to her ‘new’ family. Then have the physical visit whenever is convenient.

In MN world presents for adults are the work of the devil so your DM should not be giving them or should be arranging for a herd of goats to be sent somewhere on their behalf.

YANBU. It isn’t up to you to make a huge round trip to facilitate your mum’s relationships with her bio family. You have plans, it’s a huge favour to ask (and actually 20 hours for you if she is staying over night and you are going there/back twice in order to drop here and pick her up). No way. I actually think if an adult wants to travel over long distances then they need to sort that themselves. She can’t just expect other people to act as a taxi service at her beck and call. I don’t and have never driven, and public transport is not really that much effort. It’s not just age either, my late grandmother was the same
in her 80s.

The bio family thing is a red herring here. You are right, seeing them in the New Year will do.

You have a health condition which means you can't do the drive, I think yanbu to say no.

You do come over as quite uncaring towards what your mother is going through but that may be because you're having a rant?

Question is I suppose to what extent should you provide emotional support to her as she deals with this, I think she is very vulnerable right now. The instinct of most of us is that you should support her lots and be prepared for potential fall out if she ends up feeling hurt/rejected by her bio family but it isn't unreasonable to need to keep your distance given the complicated past you and your mother have and no one should judge you for that.

In your shoes, i would say no sensitively, with great sympathising, and look to line up support for your mum too. I don't have experience of it but I think there is support for people reconnecting with their biological families and it might help to find out what and where this is, in case your mum needs it in the future.

I think there's a real risk to her bending over backwards to fit in with her biological family who aren't putting the same effort into their burgeoning relationships and this would be a source of worry to me.

True . They're not on the same level. For example I love and see more of my friends than I do my adoptive family, and my bio family (whomever they are) doesn't feature in my thoughts at all.

I can imagine that all this has come as a shock to you and has thrown up a lot of stuff that you don't want to deal with. I have a friend who, like your mum, was adopted by a wonderful couple who loved her to bits and gave her a great life. I know when they died she felt very alone in the world, even though she had a long-term partner. Like your mum, she traced her biological parents and threw herself into getting to know them and integrating herself in their lives. It made her happy to know she had family in the world but her partner struggled with resentment and felt that all her attention was going on them — which may be what you're going through.

I think you're entitled to feel uncomfortable and defensive. Do you feel that you're losing your mum to them? Do you have fears that she'll love these 'sisters' more than you? I probably would. I also think that she's entitled to feel great enthusiasm for her new family. Neither of you is being unreasonable.

Her biological parents are your grandparents. That may mean nothing to you. Perhaps you loved your original GPs and the blood tie means nothing to you. Or perhaps you're not wild about these new people who are requiring you to ferry your mum up and down. Entirely understandable.

I would probably, if I loved my mum and wanted her to be happy, decide to stuff the dining room floor (this can be the Christmas everyone remembers because the dining room floor wasn't 'done') and for my own sake try and turn the long trip to and from her (your) family into something positive and special. Stay somewhere overnight to break the journey. Drop your mum at her family, have a cup of tea with them, then head to the city or a quiet country pub with rooms or whatever pleases you and enjoy some away time with your DH if he's coming with you. Do last minute Christmas shopping. Have some you-time. If that's out of the question, how about seeing if there's a coach that can get her from somewhere near where she lives to somewhere near where they live. I think coach travel can be less confusing for the elderly and she can have a taxi arranged at either end. Good luck, it can't be easy.

Did you not see the part about the OPs mum leaving her to be brought up by her grandparents? That sounds far more abusive and traumatic than the mum went through. It’s not for the OP to fix and we made a conscious decision to not pass on generational trauma and do to our children what was done to us.

The OP should cancel hosting Christmas because her absent mother demands a lift when other people are available or she can get public transport for a few hours longer? I’ve know other people like this say they can’t get public transport as the extra hours inconvenience them not realising it would be far more hours etc for the person driving there and back.

Maybe the dining room need to be done as it’s half done and all the furniture is on the living room and can’t go back until the floors done?

Maybe the OP is using that as an excuse to not spend 12hoirs driving someone who wasn’t there for her in childhood? She can say no for whatever reason she wants.

One extra thought, OP. Does your mum already do FaceTime or Zooms with them? If not, maybe you could set that up and they could have an on-line family get-together. It's not quite the same, but at least it doesn't involve an eight-hour round trip.

My Mum is also adopted. She doesn't want to look for her bio family and I have to say, I'm relieved as I think I'd feel the same as you. I don't want to know my maternal Grandma. It's just a gut feeling I have. I don't think people would understand unless that's their reality, really.

We've had lots of trouble about this recently as a cousin DM is not at all close to (and who is aware that she doesn't want to find her bio Mum) has been digging on her behalf and has found out her Mum is alive and she has fairly local sisters etc. Mum is devastated at the overstep, which has been done purely out of boredom and spite. My cousin has also been digging to find the ex husband of an Aunt who she literally had to run from as he beat her so badly and pretty much go into hiding from. She had 2 children by him, both in their 60's now, who are aware of what a monster he was to their Mum (now passed) and my cousin has found their siblings too. It's such an evil thing to do to stir up other people's lives like that, especially when 100% against their wishes.

You're an adult and it's up to you if you want to know them or not. You've met them and you support your Mum is knowing them, you do not have to welcome them into your own life. It is YOUR choice.

I do think she's BU to expect you to drop all of your plans last minute knowing it could make you ill and mess up you hosting Xmas. You've offered to take her after Xmas, that's enough, I think.

Jesus, this tendency for women to bend themselves backwards ,put themselves last and "make the best of it)and do ridiculous shit for people that are arseholes and never put them first, is fucking depressing. No one will build you a statue in the town square love.

This. People seem to be poor mum missing this happened to the OP. The relatives can come and get her if they want to see her. The mum is panicking if she doesn’t go they won’t get her and then she’ll feel they don’t want her.

But this in spades. She abandoned her own daughter!!

The OP has met them and I think she is describing the reality of their relationship with her mother. I think the OP does understand her mother, but it does not therefore follow that she has a duty to do a 10 hour return trip that could wait a couple of weeks, or be done at least partially by public transport.

It also sounds as though the OP has experienced a fair amount of abandonment herself.

Your mum sounds quite selfish to think your DH should drive that distance for her. It seems to be all about her needs. Can you sit down with her and try to plan a rail route or bus trip that will get her there? If she wants to go she will have to take public transport.

I'd feel incredibly resentful of the effort and care your mum is pouring into these family relationships while putting little or none into you.

Her reasons are all understandable but the net effect is still the same to you OP. You're being sidelined and sacrificed on the altar of her healing, just as you have been your whole life.

I feel for her but I would wash my hands of fulfilling her needs.

This update does change things and I don't know there is a clear cut answer that anyone could give you tbh. Could your DP perhaps take her to whatever main train station she need to go to for her destination so that she misses out the cross London bits that she would panic about? A wee white lie saying you have dinner plans with friends all booked and paid ,ight be helpful?

You’ve made it all about you and it really isn’t all about you at all. I think you’re being nasty. I’m not sure about the driving her there as I see your point here, can’t she get trains?

It’s noticeable that posters talking about the importance of biological family don’t seem to expect much from any of the parents in this scenario.

? The whole point is that the OP doesn’t want to be involved.

Are people reading a different thread?

I know emotions around adoption are complex (personal experience) but I think people emphasising how the OPs mother is an orphan (huge numbers over 60 are) and trying to build a new family are ignoring the fact she has 2 daughters and at least one grandchild.

What she's asking regarding driving is unreasonable and selfish and from the sound of OPs childhood part of a pattern of such behaviour.

For full disclosure I am adopted. I am well aware of the dysfunctional dynamics of want and loss that some adopted people feel and which can understandably distort their investment in some biological relationships.

This isn’t how the OP feels and it isn’t her responsibility to enable this for her mother who is being just as dysfunctional in her demands for lifts of such length. I think she is lucky you aren’t rather ruder about her having failed to mother you now wanting you to mother her while she invests in another relationship.

I Shouldn’t be surprised by the number of posters who assert the potency of biology and blood as it’s not infrequently mentioned when the issue of adoption comes up but wtf. The OP gets to decide who her family is and sharing genes is, for many of us, of little value. I do have some links with my bio family but only with the ones I liked and really my link is built on friendship not biology. My kids couldn’t be less interested in the wider pool but like the same relative that I do largely because they are lovely.

OP well done on drawing boundaries you need not to be driven to distraction by your mother’s inability to manage her own needs or make her own plans.

Ofc she is. OP is the one being asked to do a stupidly long drive .

You do you.

But if I had a good relationship with my mum I'd want to help

It comes over that you don't really care enough about her to even try to find a solution

(and my sons-in-law would do it for me in a heartbeat)

It could not be more obvious that you didn't bother reading all of the op's posts.

Op, you don't owe your mother a single bloody thing. It amazing you include her in your life at all, honestly.