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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a crap about mums new family

231 replies

Twobigsapphires · 17/12/2023 09:56

Back story, I have a distant, fractured relationship with my dm.
mum was adapted as a baby and had a lovely childhood (her words) with much adored and now sadly missed adoptive parents / grandparents to me. I appreciate mum had always wondered about her bio parents and 5 years ago managed to trace them.

Mum has always felt alone after my grandparents passed, they had no other dc and wider aunts and uncles were all either deceased or moved countries etc. Dm has always talked about wanting a big family. Fast forward to now and she is totally obsessed with her ‘new’ family it’s driving me bonkers. I’m happy for her and she is lucky to have been welcomed by both bio parents into their lives, but I’m just not interested and it’s upsetting dm.

Her bio mum lives 4 hour drive away, she never has any other dc and now widowed lives with her sister and niece. The set up is a bit like the golden girls. I met them once, they are nice people and have welcomed mum into their life. Mum refers to the niece, her cousin as her sister. It’s a bit full on for me.

Her bio dad lives about an hour from bio mum, so 5 hours from her. He also never had any more dc but lives with his wife who has 2 friends up daughters, his step daughters. Again, I have met them once. Nice enough, but not my kind of people. Mum also refers to her bio dad’s step daughters as her new sisters. It’s all a bit intense and fake for me, but it makes mum happy.

Here’s the Aibu. She visits new family probably once every 3 months. They never cone to her, she always travels to them and stays over. She was due to go this weekend for Xmas get together but her dp, who usually takes her, in unwell with covid. She asked me to drive her, or my Dh as she knows I have a health condition which flares with driving. I said no. She’s now upset claiming as her bio dad is quite old this may be her last Xmas with him etc.

My reasoning for saying no is I’m not fit enough to drive that distance. I’m not asking Dh as we have plans this weekend, nothing exciting, but finishing up laying flooring in our dining room which we want done so we can host Xmas!

I don’t see the harm in her do taking her in the new year. She is so obsessed with her new family she expects everyone else to feel the same about them, but I don’t. There’s no feelings of loss for me and no bond there when I met them. Mum would like me to visit them with her more, but I’m not interested.

OP posts:
WoollyRosebud · 17/12/2023 10:44

Last posting date for 2nd class is tomorrow and 1st class on Wednesday. She could post the presents, get a couple of big posting boxes from the Post Office if needed. Would be cheaper than the petrol driving all that way. She does give you money towards that hopefully? She can then visit in the new year whenever is convenient for her DO to take her

ChiIIieP · 17/12/2023 10:45

YANBU about the drive.

But YABU the way you speak about your Mum being obsessed, it's her family, it's so huge to her. You seem quite disrespectful over the whole thing.

Original poster
Twobigsapphires · 17/12/2023 10:45

Sis and I don’t feel sidelined at all. I have quite a distant relationship with her anyway, always have. She wasn’t around much growing up for me. We lived with my grandparents until I was 6 so they practically raised me. She then got into an abusive relationship which made life hell and I moved in with my dad at 11 so never had much relationship with her. We get on, just not close and I only see her about 4/5 times a year. I tried to build bridges when I had my dc, but by this stage she was more interested in being free and single and not tied down to being a nan.

I’m genuinely happy for her that she’s found what she’s been missing, but I don’t share her excitement on the ready made family.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 17/12/2023 10:46

ImTheGoat · 17/12/2023 10:35

I think generally speaking YABU in your attitude towards her new family but YANBu for not wanting to drive her all that way.

This. And if you care about your mum you could empathise with her being disappointed at the prospect of not being able to see her bio family for Christmas.

Not sure if you are jealous or just failing to see it from her POV but this is clearly a massive deal for her.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 17/12/2023 10:47

Does she always expect lifts everywhere?
Is she not familiar with public transport as a concept?

ComputerStick · 17/12/2023 10:48

Finish your floor and have a good Christmas. Public transport usually takes longer than driving that doesn’t mean she can’t take it! She can send her presents by post and get public transport. Or they can come and meet her half way or even get her.
Or she goes and gives her frail bio dad Covid.

Finish your floor so you can have Christmas

ComputerStick · 17/12/2023 10:49

After your latest update about wing brought up by your grandparents then of course you don’t owe her this trip! She only sees what she wants and needs

DuplicateUserName · 17/12/2023 10:50

Fair enough if you can't take her or don't want to.

But the rest of your posts make you sound quite cold-hearted and nasty I'm afraid.

Original poster
Twobigsapphires · 17/12/2023 10:51

I do of course feel loss for my grandparents, they have been gone a long time now though and are irreplaceable. Mum’s bio parents are no comparison to me. I don’t feel like I have missed out on grandparents, so no sense of loss for me. I don’t begrudge her a relationship with them, I’m genuinely happy she has found them, but I don’t feel the need to form relationships with them that’s all.

They never travel to her, despite all the younger family members being able to drive. I don’t see the harm in her dp taking her in the new year.

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 17/12/2023 10:51

I don't think you are unreasonable to stay and finish your flooring at all! You didn't grow up with them, they may be bio relations but you can't switch on a family feeling.

Your mum could go by herself - she just has to put herself out and use the train and a taxi as opposed to getting someone else to take her door to door (which is zero effort for her - so of course she will want to go). I'd say I can't take her and nor can DH, but gently suggest that if she wants to go she can make it happen.

I have to say though, if her bio dad is very old then perhaps she shouldn't risk transferring covid to the household. That's a secondary reason why I wouldn't be taking her tbh.

LadyEloise1 · 17/12/2023 10:51

ComputerStick · 17/12/2023 10:48

Finish your floor and have a good Christmas. Public transport usually takes longer than driving that doesn’t mean she can’t take it! She can send her presents by post and get public transport. Or they can come and meet her half way or even get her.
Or she goes and gives her frail bio dad Covid.

Finish your floor so you can have Christmas

This 💯

LadyEloise1 · 17/12/2023 10:52

ComputerStick · 17/12/2023 10:49

After your latest update about wing brought up by your grandparents then of course you don’t owe her this trip! She only sees what she wants and needs

And this 💯

Whattodowithit88 · 17/12/2023 10:52

God, your poor mum. I hope this works out well for her. She is clearly grasping on with all her might because not only was she abandoned (absolutely poor thing) they moved on with their lives and she is standing there seeing it for herself, which is why she is clinging on so hard, she probably just wants to be wanted. I hope it works out for her.

Send your DH to take her, the floor can wait.

Dacadactyl · 17/12/2023 10:54

I feel REALLY sorry for your mum!

Lwrenagain · 17/12/2023 10:54

Its clear from your OP you loved your grandparents, DMs adoptive parents and they obviously were terrific parents.
But your poor mum was taken away from her birth mum possibly for reasons now we'd be shocked at even being an issue.
She'll have levels of trauma most of us can't comprehend to have been raised, although wonderfully, not by her birth parents.
For most of her life her adoptive parents would have been her world and she lost them, she has an opportunity to have their presence replaced by her birth parents as well as learning more about her backstory and the life she may have had if things weren't so different.
As beautiful as adoption is in giving children parents or parents children, it starts with loss and trauma and your DM may have struggled with hers inwardly for many years. This opportunity to heal that part of her is a gift denied to many adoptees.
Even if you feel nothing for these people, it would mean everything to your DM to for you to be a bit more understanding as to why she loves them so much.
We forget our parents are often learning to heal their inner child because they're our grown up, we don't always recognise their personal battles.
With something as heavy as this, I'd honestly try to be as supportive as possible and if you genuinely can't spare DH to take her, could you price up an uber and maybe pay towards it for a christmas gift for her?

Burnamer · 17/12/2023 10:59

OP’s mum’s trauma isn’t OP’s to fix.
Maybe it’s sad she was adopted, although she appears to have had great adoptive parents so maybe it was the best thing. Despite that though, OP’s mum hasn’t built a relationship with OP that is close enough for OP to feel that she wants to do this and that’s ok.
OP - you have plans, it’s fine to stick to them. Your mum can find another way if she wants to see them. They could come and collect.

Bobsyouraunty · 17/12/2023 11:03

Is there another reason, you mention a distant and fractured relationship with dm?

I ask because on the face of it, you come off mean spirited towards your mum and her new family. And not helping due to flooring?

Anyways it seems like your dm will have to get a taxi as there’s no other option…

Cnidarian · 17/12/2023 11:05

There are several things happening here that you need to separate from each other. 1. You can't drive her, it is too far, too long and you have things that need to be done. Not possible, reasonable. 2. She probably has covid and shouldn't go ( I have it right now, it is ROUGH). 3. PP was right that your Mum's trauma isn't yours to fix 4. 1-3 can all be true but you still don't need to tie it all up to this really dismissive and kind of rude attitude to her new family, knock that on the head and enjoy Christmas

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/12/2023 11:06

Twobigsapphires · 17/12/2023 10:45

Sis and I don’t feel sidelined at all. I have quite a distant relationship with her anyway, always have. She wasn’t around much growing up for me. We lived with my grandparents until I was 6 so they practically raised me. She then got into an abusive relationship which made life hell and I moved in with my dad at 11 so never had much relationship with her. We get on, just not close and I only see her about 4/5 times a year. I tried to build bridges when I had my dc, but by this stage she was more interested in being free and single and not tied down to being a nan.

I’m genuinely happy for her that she’s found what she’s been missing, but I don’t share her excitement on the ready made family.

It is very common for women who were adopted to want a child/children of their own but then to not be able to cope with it due to the trauma inflicted upon them, contributing to creating attachment issues with the children. Similarly, abusive relationships can be harder to end because of the trauma of both combining with the 'at least he doesn't want to leave/he might leave and then I'll be alone again'.

Citrusandginger · 17/12/2023 11:07

I'm an adoptee so am inclined towards team mum here, but I don't think it is reasonable to ask you for a lift given the distance, your health and the time of year.

However I would be looking at creative options. If she can't cross London by public transport, could you give her a lift or suggest a taxi to a mainline train station the other side. So from south London needing to get to the Northwest she gets a lift or taxi to Watford, then the train?

zingally · 17/12/2023 11:10

I think that all the information we need, to explain the weirdness of this post, is in the very first line:

"Back story, I have a distant, fractured relationship with my dm."

I would suspect that everything OP hasn't said, is the key to why she is so NOT on-board with helping her mother maintain links with her own biological parents. There's probably a fair bit of "Well, you and I don't have a good relationship, so why should I help you have one with other people?"

And also a bit of "We're distant and I'm not that into you. But it makes me sad to see you desperately lap-dog'ing with OTHER family members that weren't around to deal with your crap until very recently. Why should these virtual strangers get to be all lovey-dovey family with you, when I don't get that?"

Cnidarian · 17/12/2023 11:10

And number 5. Your childhood sounds really tough, I'm sorry all that happened. It is ok to feel the way you feel

EvilElsa · 17/12/2023 11:12

I wouldn't drive the five hour round trip the weekend before Christmas when I was really busy, but I would help her look at and book public transport options and drive her to a bus or train station. Surely her family can help with picking her up the other end or at least meeting her off the train or bus?

BrimfulOfMash · 17/12/2023 11:13

I think an 8 or 10 hour round trip is a massive thing to ask.

I understand that she is desperate to see them and wants to take the gifts but she is reliant on other people for a significant undertaking.

How old is she?

It is unfortunate when people are too anxious to undertake public transport, but the reality is the tube is full of people grandparent age crossing London to catch trains to see family. If she has the physical fitness. But your DH is being expected to do a 10 hour round trip / overnight/ time for her to socialise.

I think she needs to be gently encouraged to see this and make her compromises. Of course her family is important to her, but she can’t always expect everyone to step in and compromise their own lives while she makes no compromise. NY is still the festive period. She would probably have more fun in the journey with her DP, etc.

adviceneeded1990 · 17/12/2023 11:16

To be honest I’d probably take her with my DH along too, share the driving and make a day of it, maybe go for food and a Christmassy activity near where you’re driving to. You’ve still got a week to finish your flooring, unless your dining room is 50 feet long it won’t take more than a couple of hours, and this means a lot to your Mum. It’s hard to know for sure without knowing the entire background of your relationship with her but you don’t come across well here. Season of goodwill and helping others and all that?