To not give a crap about mums new family

[Twobigsapphires]

Back story, I have a distant, fractured relationship with my dm.
mum was adapted as a baby and had a lovely childhood (her words) with much adored and now sadly missed adoptive parents / grandparents to me. I appreciate mum had always wondered about her bio parents and 5 years ago managed to trace them.

Mum has always felt alone after my grandparents passed, they had no other dc and wider aunts and uncles were all either deceased or moved countries etc. Dm has always talked about wanting a big family. Fast forward to now and she is totally obsessed with her ‘new’ family it’s driving me bonkers. I’m happy for her and she is lucky to have been welcomed by both bio parents into their lives, but I’m just not interested and it’s upsetting dm.

Her bio mum lives 4 hour drive away, she never has any other dc and now widowed lives with her sister and niece. The set up is a bit like the golden girls. I met them once, they are nice people and have welcomed mum into their life. Mum refers to the niece, her cousin as her sister. It’s a bit full on for me.

Her bio dad lives about an hour from bio mum, so 5 hours from her. He also never had any more dc but lives with his wife who has 2 friends up daughters, his step daughters. Again, I have met them once. Nice enough, but not my kind of people. Mum also refers to her bio dad’s step daughters as her new sisters. It’s all a bit intense and fake for me, but it makes mum happy.

Here’s the Aibu. She visits new family probably once every 3 months. They never cone to her, she always travels to them and stays over. She was due to go this weekend for Xmas get together but her dp, who usually takes her, in unwell with covid. She asked me to drive her, or my Dh as she knows I have a health condition which flares with driving. I said no. She’s now upset claiming as her bio dad is quite old this may be her last Xmas with him etc.

My reasoning for saying no is I’m not fit enough to drive that distance. I’m not asking Dh as we have plans this weekend, nothing exciting, but finishing up laying flooring in our dining room which we want done so we can host Xmas!

I don’t see the harm in her do taking her in the new year. She is so obsessed with her new family she expects everyone else to feel the same about them, but I don’t. There’s no feelings of loss for me and no bond there when I met them. Mum would like me to visit them with her more, but I’m not interested.

The new family clearly has very little interest in the OP's mother.

How is simply asking selfish? OP can, and sounds like will, say no. It's obvious she'd like the company and is trying to include OP in the new family. Again, OP has no obligation on this.

Biologically, sure.

emotionally, legally, practically? Not even remotely.

@mikado1 because it's a 10 hour round trip, it's the Christmas period, she knows OP can't actually physically do it, she knows they have shit to do and sort to get ready for Christmas and host( which she's a guest to). More importantly, because she threw a strop when OP said no.

Common as in scientifically hypothesized? Or just anecdotal stories .

i truly dread threads about adoption. So many armchair psychologists who like to say everything that is broken about adopted children.

No, professional training, backed up by data from multiple studies and provided by people with actual experience from the point of view of having been in the system prior to working in it in various guises.

Plus several friends who were fostered or adopted at various ages.

@Twobigsapphires
l dont think you sound jealous at all. I dont think you're selfish to drop your plans especially a week before Christmas. You've met this family and been pleasant and polite. I'm sure you do know how much this means to your mum and theres probably an element of worry too. Your mum might be one of these people who has unrealistic expectations and imagined you all merrily singing Auld lang sign together. Ask her to invite them down to hers and promise to show your face or join them for a meal...let's see if they come
You dont say if your mum is working. If not I'd say she has plenty of time to arrange alternative travel eg train, coach etc maybe even going up the night before and staying in a travelodge. Yes it will cost, but this seems her raison d'etre atm. Another alternative would be someone at their end drive down to collect her. She could offer petrol. It's exactly the same distance and cost she expects you to bare.

I'm getting so annoyed at posters saying OP sounds jealous. Theres no indication of that at all in her opening or following posts. Shes acknowledged saying she doesnt give a crap was a bit out of order but why would she be jealous? If her mum said she was staying with them over xmas my guess is OP would say fill your boots.

Mums just gonna have to make her own arrangements. If she cant negotiate public transport shell have to get a taxi or ask them to collect her.

They share genes. They are steangers

Conflating the different types of adoptees and foster children as all having been in the system is as statistically unreliable as citing anecdotes and experiences as evidence. The application of generalisations never dropyourmooncup is as crass as making comments about any other group defined by variables that they can’t control.

You remain entirely unreasonable OP but those who want to tell you how to define family or how adopted people feel and behave are unreasonable.

Has she heard of trains and coaches?

I get it, OP. It sounds like you've not had the experience of your mum being fully present and loving in your childhood years and that can make a person emotionally independent, or grow up faster emotionally as it were, and also more able to compartmentalise.

To see your mum gushing about her new family, and her caring about family bonds and not wanting to miss a visit etc - it might seem like all of a sudden, family is such a priority to her, when you could have done with this level of interest and effort from her yourself both when growing up, and as an adult. It sounds like you don't begrudge her her new family at all, you're happy she's happy etc, but when it comes to stepping in to facilitate a long distance visit at short notice it's not something that you actively want to do (or volunteer your DH for when it takes him away from you overnight plus a 10 hour round trip drive). I completely understand all this, but I think people who haven't had much or any direct experience of dysfunctional family relationships can't.

"I find it most odd that you don't want ANYTHING to do with them"

Some (not all) people who have enjoyed uncomplicated family relationships think that long-lost family bonding will be like the movies and everyone will like each other. It can go that way of course, but just as easily it can go the other way.

Some people with experience of broken childhood family bonds can find it extremely hard to trust new significant people in their lives, even (or especially) if those new people are family, because they have learned to their cost in younger years how painful it is when emotional bonds are broken, and they find it hard or even impossible to risk that happening again later in life. It's self preservation, and it's not done with a cold heart, it's simply baked in. Some people who think it's "odd" not to welcome long lost family with open arms quite possibly haven't had their heart broken as a child through family bond trauma/emotional loss.

"I find it most odd that you don't want ANYTHING to do with them"

I don't find it odd in the slightest.

Me neither, IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle.

If you have a better way to say professional training specifically about the research obtained from multiple studies conducted into specific adverse childhood experiences, attachment, health and social outcomes as delivered by people who aren't looking at it as something that happens to somebody else because they experienced it themselves, whilst typing one thumbed due to cooking and scrolling, I'm all ears.

It is possible to say you don't agree and no adult could possibly be affected negatively in terms of their own parenting and relationships because you're a brilliant mother - without being specifically insulting to somebody who hasn't joined in telling the OP to either refuse or to do it, because there's a couple of hundred people already doing that.

NeverDYMC to be adopted from birth and placed into a functional family, as described, does not necessarily mean you have suffered an adverse childhood experience. It isn’t ’very common’ for adopted adults from the 40s to 70s to be unable to parent. That is a very contentious statement.

Research is largely positive about outcomes for these groups. Of course, the OP’s mum could have been impacted but the narrative that adopted people are often emotionally incapable of parenting is unhelpful.

What an unpleasant comment.

Guess I’m beating the odds then. Lucky me.

Didn’t you know? Adopted people are allsorts of broken and full of trauma. Every single one. Those who don’t feel that way are just lying or in denial.

it’s so much fun to learn how broken I am on threads like this.

YANBU - enjoy your xmas

Yes. My late husband found his bio family (siblings) when he was in his 60s. His adult children didn't want to know. Sad for my husband.

Lots of things are sad- that's life.

Can you honestly not understand why finding out about the existence of these people meant nothing to your husband's adult children? They're strangers.

She hasn't invested enough in you or made enough sacrifices for you to have the 'right' to expect you to disrupt your plans to this extent, especially at such short notice. YANBU to tell her you can't do this. She can call her family for Christmas and visit them in the new year.

You have no bond with this new family so you're definitely not BU.
I can see why your mother is excited and full on about her parents tho.Its all new to her and she probably thinks she needs to ' catch up ' .
She needs to realise that your life isn't going the same way.
Offer to take her after NY. That's your only offer.
Your family life hasn't stopped because of her new involvement.