To not give a crap about mums new family

[Twobigsapphires]

Back story, I have a distant, fractured relationship with my dm.
mum was adapted as a baby and had a lovely childhood (her words) with much adored and now sadly missed adoptive parents / grandparents to me. I appreciate mum had always wondered about her bio parents and 5 years ago managed to trace them.

Mum has always felt alone after my grandparents passed, they had no other dc and wider aunts and uncles were all either deceased or moved countries etc. Dm has always talked about wanting a big family. Fast forward to now and she is totally obsessed with her ‘new’ family it’s driving me bonkers. I’m happy for her and she is lucky to have been welcomed by both bio parents into their lives, but I’m just not interested and it’s upsetting dm.

Her bio mum lives 4 hour drive away, she never has any other dc and now widowed lives with her sister and niece. The set up is a bit like the golden girls. I met them once, they are nice people and have welcomed mum into their life. Mum refers to the niece, her cousin as her sister. It’s a bit full on for me.

Her bio dad lives about an hour from bio mum, so 5 hours from her. He also never had any more dc but lives with his wife who has 2 friends up daughters, his step daughters. Again, I have met them once. Nice enough, but not my kind of people. Mum also refers to her bio dad’s step daughters as her new sisters. It’s all a bit intense and fake for me, but it makes mum happy.

Here’s the Aibu. She visits new family probably once every 3 months. They never cone to her, she always travels to them and stays over. She was due to go this weekend for Xmas get together but her dp, who usually takes her, in unwell with covid. She asked me to drive her, or my Dh as she knows I have a health condition which flares with driving. I said no. She’s now upset claiming as her bio dad is quite old this may be her last Xmas with him etc.

My reasoning for saying no is I’m not fit enough to drive that distance. I’m not asking Dh as we have plans this weekend, nothing exciting, but finishing up laying flooring in our dining room which we want done so we can host Xmas!

I don’t see the harm in her do taking her in the new year. She is so obsessed with her new family she expects everyone else to feel the same about them, but I don’t. There’s no feelings of loss for me and no bond there when I met them. Mum would like me to visit them with her more, but I’m not interested.

I don’t think you should drive her. But I do think you’re being insensitive.

You are not being unreasonable. A compromise could be driving her to a train station that would be a bit more direct journey? But understandable if you can't.

It sounds like you're having difficulty adjusting to no longer being your mums one and only family member, which is understandable if you've gone from pretty much just the two of you to a whole new cast of characters.

It's a pity you can't join in, as you say they're nice people and who knows what extra joy they could add to your life? But that's your decision. Your mum is doing nothing wrong here. Being an orphan and an only child is lonely and I can fully understand her wish to create a family for herself.

Personally if my DH was OK with it I'd have been happy for him to drive her. It's a harmless pleasure and comfort that I'd want my mum to enjoy.

I think it's amazing for her to have this new family, but she should get the train

YANBU. Why is she having to make all the effort to go to new family for visits when there are people capable of driving them to her?

Your family set up and relationships are complex and there's a backstory that is undoubtedly difficult for you to convey in words on here. With no real bond to your DM, what sounds like a fractured childhood with no opportunity to bond fully with your DM and now she's obviously channelling all her energies into a branch of your family that you've never had anything to do with (which rubs salt into your wounds, that she never did that for you!), no surprise that you're just not invested.

there's no rights or wrongs in all this, you've got your life and priorities with your DH and good luck to you is all I'd say. Invest your energy in those who bring you happiness, and with whom you have a human bond. Don't be forced to feel what you can't feel out of some misplaced sense of duty. Sounds like that ship sailed decades ago!

if you feel up to giving your DM a lift to these relatives in the new year, that's to decide later, but you shouldn't feel obliged to do it in the middle of winter, not if you have a known health problem that your DM knows about - clearly you aren't top of her priority list!

Do you feel like your heart belongs with your grandparents - mums adoptive family. Also are you wary she is making more effort than them. As she is adopted she is probably desperate to belong and have a family. You have been her whole world for that reason. Since losing her parents she probably feels this is a second chance. But yes she definitely shouldn’t be going with Covid in the house.

Ynbu op

She wasn't there for you when you were younger, you have zero obligation to be there for her now

If your mother's partner has Covid I would be advising her not to visit very old people. She would never forgive herself if she caused her old bio parents to catch Covid..

Your husband doesn't want to catch it either.
Offer to go with her next month. It is nice if you can support her once a year to visit her relatives.

YANBU. Your mum is a grown woman, you're not responsible of chauffering her round.

I feel sorry for you. It is threatening when new people suddenly attach to your family and it can be overwhelming. Taking it slowly and letting it evolve over time is by far the best way but your mum isn't able to do that- calling everyone her sister, pressuring others to take her when they aren't able. I do think it's fine to say- it's not convenient this weekend, Mum, but I'll take you up in the New Year. I don't agree with everyone you are being mean, being into forced families is hard work, witness all the step-families issues, who wants to be given a whole new family, especially later in life? I have a nice but not close relationship with my mum's partner's family and it feels easy because it's not pushed. I can imagine this is stressful and ultimately you need to look after your own health and your own family at Christmas, because your mum can go, just not at this time (and possibly with Covid!)

It's very sad that they don't make an effort to travel to her. I don't blame you at all though.

How many miles away is it? Could you share the driving with your husband? Or ypu finish the floor and he drives her? It is a big favour to ask and I guess you’re just not close enough to your mum to prioritise it over your own plans which is fair enough really. I would perhaps give her the option of dropping her nearer a mainline station with an easier journey if that’s an option for you

It’s not as though you are preventing her from going. She can use public transport.

It also must be quite a lot to take that she's prioritizing this new family when she wasn't there for you as a child and exposed you to abuse. I would prioritize your own MH, your own wellbeing and your own family because that's where your own contentment is likely to lie, rather than helping your mum chase yet another dream which isn't about you or your sister and your needs.

I would look at a compromise solution here, like driving her to a train station or bus pickup point so that she does not have to change trains or buses.

Whatever the background history - your Mum is being selfish when her DP is suffering with COVID and she still wants to travel. She may not have COVID herself but she could still just as easily be a carrier whether she travels with you or goes by public transport and the new family may not appreciate her visit anyway especially right on top of Xmas with the risk of infection.
Just this once she should accept the disappointment and send her presents by post and make further arrangements to see them in the New Year. Don't change your plans to accommodate her - COVID is still in the background and should not be ignored.

You’re an adult and you deserve the Xmas you choose.
If your mother wants to visit her family at Xmas that’s her choice but she needs to sort her own travel arrangements.
You reap what you sow and it doesn’t sound as if your Mother was present that much when you were growing up.
Enjoy your Xmas OP x

I get you OP. No way would I do it and I’d never dream of asking for anyone to do it for me. I get this is all lovely for your Mum etc but tbh I imagine your life is extremely full already, most middle aged women’s lives are and I would have no time or inclination for the upheaval of this whole situation. That probably makes me sound selfish but 🤷🏼‍♀️

I cannot comprehend asking someone for a 10.hour 'lift'.

Can she not get a taxi for the London part of the train trip?

A) I would do this for my mum

B) she can get a taxi, if she can afford it. If not, she can get a taxi part way (to avoid the London tube changes) to a train station that goes direct to her destination.

I’m not sure it’s fair to say that OP’s mother was ‘abandoned’. Being adopted does not equal abandonment. It sounds like she had a happy upbringing with very supportive and loving adoptive parents.

At the end of the day she is an adult and should make her own travel arrangements that don't inconvenience other people. Demanding and having a strop is not making travel arrangements. Trains,cabs, lifts from her bio family , or a mix and match of all are all options. Worst case scenario she'll just have to visit at another time. She's not a child.

Sorry, I missed your explanation of why public transport would be difficult.

However, if they never make the effort to do the opposite journey, and she could see them in a few weeks, and bearing in mind what you have said about your relationship history, I think you are right to be a bit wary and it is sensible to keep a bit of distance from the drama.

There may be all sorts of reasons why she fears losing them, but you don’t have to become part of that. I don’t think you sound jealous at all.

These are your grandparents, I can't understand your mindset on this.

OPs grandparents are dead, these people are virtual strangers to her.