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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick to the back teeth of friends being flat broke, then hopping straight on social media to show off their latest 'keeping up with the Joneses' purchase

348 replies

balsamshill · 16/12/2023 21:12

SO many people I know, they'll talk about their financial situation and being wiped out by their mortgage, having nothing left when the bills have gone out, etc.

Yet, when you log onto social media, the AGA craze/renewal among the middle classes (and wannabes) came along - suddenly they have one. Hastily throwing out perfectly good trees to replace them with Balsam Hill trees because they heard last week Balsam Hill is THE tree to have. The pizza oven trend? They all got on it straight away. And they're not afraid to let you know.

The grey house trend? They've had decorators in, DFS 0% APR'd the living room up, and had the house rendered the next month. Grey trend dies out? They've redone the whole house. They get a cockapoo to join the pug they have, still hanging on from the pug craze. Then a dachshund during the craze. Then a frenchie. Etc. They've got to have the professional photos of their children sent as Christmas cards. When showing something off outside their house, they've got to have their his and hers grey and white Mercedes/Audis/BMWs with the private plates in the pictures, and their kid's matching kiddie car.

And you have to know everything they have is the 'real McCoy', not just a copy, because they've made sure you know.

Yet, the group of 10 couples or so I know who do this, they're dead ass fucking broke. All of them. Even for the ones who aren't, they're physically unwell from the stress of holding it all together due to the nature of their income and lifestyle, and one crisis could put them on the breadline. All mortgaged up to the absolute hilt. I'd assumed it must be hard to get a mortgage, but the kind of lending these people have been trusted with is crazy - 2008, anyone?

One of them moaned about their dire situation, yet the next week were doing coke on a night out, then the next month they'd booked a holiday to Dubai on credit because you're nobody unless you went to Dubai this year, right?

It bothers me so much because the kind of boasting these people do on social media is what fuels this need to keep up with the Joneses and I'm bloody sick of it. They're engineering their own downfall by keeping this cycle going.

They joke and consider us tight, but we're the ones with disposable income in our hands at the end of the month. They can't comprehend how we live how we do with much less than they do, but we engineered our lives to be this way. We've had to explain numerous times that the reason we don't have a mortgage, is because the cars are almost older than us, our phones are so old that they're not even supported with updates and security patches anymore.

Creating a lifestyle they can't afford, bringing kids into it, then moaning to friends about how they're pay cheque to pay cheque and pay £1-2k in mortgage costs every month before you even factor in the rest of the bills, car costs, etc, but are on Facebook showing off their newest nouveau riche craze. Boils my piss.

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 17/12/2023 09:14

Ablondiebutagoody · 16/12/2023 21:40

Each to their own. The question is, why are they your friends?

I think the question is why do you care how they manage their finances?

Thingamebobwotsit · 17/12/2023 09:23

This isn't a new phenomenon @balsamshill . I grew up in ex industrial town in the North in the 80s/90s. We didn't have social media but people would spend incredible amounts of their income on the latest trend, holiday etc and try and out do each other. And if you didn't join in you were considered poor, outsiders or just a little bit sad. And in a small town that stuck.

Since then I have moved around the UK and lived abroad and in areas where there are higher levels of deprivation you tend to see similar things. And I get it. Why not have some lovely things in your life if you can? The buy now pay later options have increased over time, so my guess is the types of things purchased are different and probably bigger.

The 2008 financial crash was difficult but because the government stepped in I don't think it was as brutal as it could have been for people living on the edge of their finances. We have also had historic low interest rates. If something similar to 2008/09 happened now I think it would be a very different scenario. However in the meantime people have forgotten how/or don't know how high interest rates impact you and over the next few years as people come off fixed terms mortgages we will see a shift again. I see it in my younger work colleagues... lots are really starting to struggle. They have been hit by the triple whammy of higher house prices, higher expectations of standards of living and increasingly expensive mortgages. And I think it is really tough. I am super fortunate to not be in that position but I wouldn't judge them because they are. We are all constructs of the context we live in and we make the choices we make based on that.

My advice... let them do them. And you do you. You sound like you are in a really lucky position due to hard work. Step back and enjoy it if you can.

Syndulla · 17/12/2023 09:38

It's definitely a stereotype. It has spawned a whole meme:

I live up north and I don't know anyone personally like this, but I do see a lot of couples who look like the video driving around in brand new Discoverys and I have to wonder how so many seem to be able to afford them when we're not an affluent area.

Deanomania - Sans Beanstalk

A new up to date version of our national anthem celebrating all that is British. Nandos, H&M, Miller and Carter, fake tans, kids blocking the entrance to my ...

https://youtu.be/J9n0_5p8XKo?si=pfySJBAQL3yizj3s

crostini · 17/12/2023 09:43

Well yeah, people like to have nice things and nice houses. And if they can find a way to afford it they will. It's not to your taste that's fine.

But it's not morally superior to have an old phone. And that's coming from me who is still using an iPhone 5 😅

RosePetals86 · 17/12/2023 09:46

I don’t know why op is getting a hard time on this post from people. We are allowed to say what grinds us on MN are we not? I know exactly what she means, champagne lifestyle- lemonade money! Social media has a lot to answer for I’m afraid

bluebeck · 17/12/2023 09:51

RosePetals86 · 17/12/2023 09:46

I don’t know why op is getting a hard time on this post from people. We are allowed to say what grinds us on MN are we not? I know exactly what she means, champagne lifestyle- lemonade money! Social media has a lot to answer for I’m afraid

I suspect the responses are due to the venom in the OP

Gallowayan · 17/12/2023 09:54

OK so you dislike this kind of mindless consumption an don't follow the materialistic herd. All highly commendable. But why do you care so much? I'd ditch your flash trash friendship group if you dislike them.

Acommonreader · 17/12/2023 09:56

I find this so odd. I do not know the salary, debts or any financial details of any of my friends! Someone might say that things are tight at the moment or decline an event due to cost but that is the full extent of any financial conversation in my social group . Bar my parents that also extends to family.

alwaysmovingforwards · 17/12/2023 09:59

RosePetals86 · 17/12/2023 09:46

I don’t know why op is getting a hard time on this post from people. We are allowed to say what grinds us on MN are we not? I know exactly what she means, champagne lifestyle- lemonade money! Social media has a lot to answer for I’m afraid

Of course people can say what annoys them.
In the same way others can respond however they choose.

Unless this is an echo chamber forum where you only comment on things you agree with??

Frenchtoastie · 17/12/2023 10:06

Why do you care so much
focus on yourself

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/12/2023 10:51

ChickenGotLegs · 16/12/2023 21:59

Where do you live?

Just so I never move there... 😒

Seeing as I live somewhere where a shitty bedsit costs £900+ pcm, I'm actually rather interested in a mortgage being less than the average rents round here...

hazandduck · 17/12/2023 10:57

Acommonreader · 17/12/2023 09:56

I find this so odd. I do not know the salary, debts or any financial details of any of my friends! Someone might say that things are tight at the moment or decline an event due to cost but that is the full extent of any financial conversation in my social group . Bar my parents that also extends to family.

Edited

Same here. When people talk about money/what they or others earn etc it makes me cringe. It’s so tasteless. I was always raised to believe you weren’t supposed to talk about things like that.

InflatableSanta · 17/12/2023 11:00

I had no idea what "deano" meant so I googled it and thought this article was interesting https://unherd.com/2023/04/the-political-power-of-deano/

Also I wonder if it's perceived as more ok to overspend and then claim to be be broke if it's on "middle-class" signifiers...

The political power of Deano

An internet meme could decide the next election

https://unherd.com/2023/04/the-political-power-of-deano

Tandora · 17/12/2023 11:04

What’s it got to do with you OP? Why would what other people do with their money “boil your piss”?

Proudmum17 · 17/12/2023 11:48

There's a saying attributed to Mrs Brown off the Titanic that goes

' too many of us are buying things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people we don't like'.

Seems apposite.

anarchicparadise · 17/12/2023 11:52

janicegarvey · 17/12/2023 08:29

It's awful you'd laugh at this 🫣😳

Yeah I’m a bitch, what of it?

if you’re going to flash your ridiculously over the top lifestyle on social media then at least pay your electricity bill.

I have no sympathy.

10HailMarys · 17/12/2023 11:53

The solution here is not be friends with people you detest.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 17/12/2023 12:00

anarchicparadise · 17/12/2023 11:52

Yeah I’m a bitch, what of it?

if you’re going to flash your ridiculously over the top lifestyle on social media then at least pay your electricity bill.

I have no sympathy.

For a start it’s shocking that he actually told you that. And named them.

Also, they don’t turn your electric off. Even many years ago. They put prepayment meters in. So you are wrong.

The fact that you get some sense of superiority over a some kids living in that situation is weird.

Given the choice I would rather be that family than you. I think kids would be happier too. Who wants a mum that’s a bitch? It takes a particular type of hypocrite to judge people while boasting what a bitch you are.

I hope you find some happiness.

Lili132 · 17/12/2023 12:16

New things are not just about showing off. It's about quality, comfort of use and saving money in long run. If you don't appreciate it and prioritise other things that's fine. Everyone is different. Live and let live.
Honestly I think if I had to chose between being friends with someone like you or people you complain about I would chose the later. You sound extremely judgmental and and over- invested in other people's choices.

easylikeasundaymorn · 17/12/2023 12:42

balsamshill · 16/12/2023 22:28

I agree, because I think most people are guilty of this actually.

Even if it's not on social media. People in everyday conversation who call their fridge 'the Smeg' or their laptop 'my MacBook' and stuff like that. Just say fridge and computer/laptop.

My cousin has a YSL bag that she couldn't really afford. I get she's proud of it, but any photo you get of her while she's out with it, she'll make sure the logo's showing. That kind of thing.

but this is not most people, this seems to be a very specific type of circle that you are unfortunately enmeshed in. I don't know anybody who does any of these things, either in your first post or this one, and tbh if any of my friends did start doing so I think the rest of us would find it either hilarious or embarrassing rather than aspirational!

Of course I know people who spend money on expensive things but very few who brag about it in such a weird way, or who judge others if they don't have the same things.

I can appreciate there must be some pressure when you're in the middle of it but YABU to extrapolate it out to 'everyone' just because your immediate social circle are very materialistic.

Universalsnail · 17/12/2023 12:59

I honestly don't understand why you care how much debt your friends are in

MarthaMayWho · 17/12/2023 13:14

Your post kinda reminds me of in middle England when they put in the sumptuary laws because too many peasants and merchants were buying nice fabric and looking like they might dangerously move up in society. So they were slapped with if you were from a certain class you had to wear itchy wool and drab colours. A fabulous way to control the masses, stop the plebs getting too uppity and support British wool. 🙄

I mean, aren't we all living above our means these days? Myself and partner are both masters level + professionals, yet we can't afford childcare or food without ploughing into our savings.
We don't buy Gucci bags but we are not breaking even whatever we do, so I won't be living a martyr lifestyle on baked beans every day just to still be in debt. We'll buy the occasional chocolate log because you only get one life and I don't want to spend mine living on value beans, never going out and depriving my kids of clubs and experiences.

I bet if you were completely honest about all your spending there'd be something in there many of us would consider batshit or unnecessary. We all like different thing and at the moment at least, we are allowed to make our own financial choices.

I mean, I have friends that have impressed on their children the materialistic label lifestyle and I don't approve, but mainly because I don't think it is sustainable or healthy to be so looks driven. Friends bankrupting themselves for horseriding lessons I understand a bit more, but I understood that these are my own personal values and there are downsides to my view.

anarchicparadise · 17/12/2023 13:31

Lifeasiknowitisout · 17/12/2023 12:00

For a start it’s shocking that he actually told you that. And named them.

Also, they don’t turn your electric off. Even many years ago. They put prepayment meters in. So you are wrong.

The fact that you get some sense of superiority over a some kids living in that situation is weird.

Given the choice I would rather be that family than you. I think kids would be happier too. Who wants a mum that’s a bitch? It takes a particular type of hypocrite to judge people while boasting what a bitch you are.

I hope you find some happiness.

Just pay your bills.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 17/12/2023 13:56

A lot of houses where I live are rented out now (and for a lot more than £1k a month) and yes it is the renters who tend to have the better cars, but I don't blame them, there is no way they can afford to buy a house so why not at least have something to show for your hard earned money?

Like the op I boast about driving an old car but as someone on here said the other day (see I do learn from mumsnet despite my great age) it's one thing to choose to do something and something else entirely when you have no choice.

InflatableSanta · 17/12/2023 15:06

MarthaMayWho · 17/12/2023 13:14

Your post kinda reminds me of in middle England when they put in the sumptuary laws because too many peasants and merchants were buying nice fabric and looking like they might dangerously move up in society. So they were slapped with if you were from a certain class you had to wear itchy wool and drab colours. A fabulous way to control the masses, stop the plebs getting too uppity and support British wool. 🙄

I mean, aren't we all living above our means these days? Myself and partner are both masters level + professionals, yet we can't afford childcare or food without ploughing into our savings.
We don't buy Gucci bags but we are not breaking even whatever we do, so I won't be living a martyr lifestyle on baked beans every day just to still be in debt. We'll buy the occasional chocolate log because you only get one life and I don't want to spend mine living on value beans, never going out and depriving my kids of clubs and experiences.

I bet if you were completely honest about all your spending there'd be something in there many of us would consider batshit or unnecessary. We all like different thing and at the moment at least, we are allowed to make our own financial choices.

I mean, I have friends that have impressed on their children the materialistic label lifestyle and I don't approve, but mainly because I don't think it is sustainable or healthy to be so looks driven. Friends bankrupting themselves for horseriding lessons I understand a bit more, but I understood that these are my own personal values and there are downsides to my view.

Totally agree. The established MC /UC sneer at perceived overconsumption by the WC/newly LMC.

But many of them over stretch on school fees/for a new aga/ etc

I know plenty of people around here paying for the next ski holiday/riding boots/etc through gritted teeth but somehow think they are better than the person over stretching on something else.

It's just a different set of signifiers/preferences but overstretching is overstretching whatever you are spending it on.

And there's a sneering assumption these people are earning less than someone with more MC tastes when they may very well be earning more