Was my behaviour at the Christmas do out of line?

[strawberrycream1233]

For context, I work in the public sector.

We had a Christmas party last night. I went for some drinks with my department before and arrived VERY drunk. My colleagues were dancing with one of the younger guys and giving him lots of attention. I felt sorry for his friend who is shy and was standing on his own at this time, ignored. I pulled him over to dance, and (I’m cringing) got pretty handsy with him, hands all over his bum and pulling him closer. Lots of people noticed and commented! I hear how awful this sounds now, but in my mind I was just having fun and including him, although I can see how it probably looked a bit seedy.

Towards the end of the night (I was even more drunk by this point) he pulled me round the corner away from the group. I’m hazy at this point, but I’m pretty sure he tried to kiss me. I know I didn’t kiss him back, and shocked he was being so forward (he’s very very shy and quiet). Another colleague bobbed round the corner and pulled me away and I was taken home!

Woken up this morning convinced I’ve been predatory and am going to be sacked for sexual harassment, and that I’ve taken advantage of him and shouldn’t have touched him. There would have been tons of people that saw me touching him. I just keep thinking if it was reversed genders and a man had been all over ME like that, he would have been (rightly) held to account there and then, whereas no one really seemed bothered by me doing it. We’re both similar age and don’t work together closely, our paths probably won’t cross for a while to be honest, which makes it more awkward,

Was I unreasonable? How can I applied for my behaviour?!

You are right in thinking that if the roles were reversed then the guy would have been held to account. However, if you were that drunk how do you know how bad you were? It doesn’t sound as if he was bothered, if he tried to kiss you, maybe you are feeling guilty and it wasn’t as bad as you think? Do you have a trusted friend you can ask? If you were out of line then it’s best to face up to it, apologise to those who you need to and accept whatever sanctions may come your way. Oh, and hope that no-one filmed your antics.

Yes, they’ve said that it would have made his year and not to feel bad I was just dancing… but even THAT feels a bit sexist… it just wouldn’t be acceptable to say about a woman “that’s probably the most action she’s had all year, she’ll be dreaming of you all day today” would you 🥴. God. I feel awful!

Yup, if it was reversed, there would be merry pop to play. If you'd seen a bloke doing that to a woman, no doubt you'd be calling him out, as would others here.
You were v unreasonable

your both unreasonable

Personally I’d have to apologise to the person concerned, or I’d not stop thinking about it.

You were shocked at him being so forward after you felt him up on the dancefloor?

Awful that people think you’ve ‘made his year’ because he’s shy and got groped by a drunk woman. How much older are you? Are you even single?

And it IS sexist FYI. Nobody would say it’d made a shy young woman’s year to be groped by a drunk man.

Most of us have made complete tits of ourselves when we were drunk.
Own it, apologise to him for being drunk and potentially embarrassing him and learn from it. Don't do it again.
Then move on.

Expect a disciplinary on Monday…

You have been colossally stupid.

The law considers a work do an extension of the workplace.

He could raise a grievance for sexual harassment and with all those witnesses you'd be hard pushed to deny it. Here's hoping he doesn't react badly to your rejection of his attempt to kiss you.

Was a grope of a colleague worth your reputation, or worse, your job?

Yeah, not great behaviour but also incredibly common at Christmas nights out. Was talking to a friend yesterday about how weird it is that once a year people get drunk and behave outrageously with people they work with, it’s a bit bizarre when you think about it…

Anyway, I guess what you’re worried about is the consequences which I would say is highly dependent on how your workplace treats this kind of this as IME it varies (I know you said you work public sector but guessing there’s not a uniform approach right across). Are they vocal about what behaviour is/isn’t acceptable at work events? Do you know if there have been any incidences like this in the past and if so what happened? Did anyone approach you on the night to say they thought you should stop?

My best guess is that if anyone who was there decides to report you/complain that you’ll both be called in to explain what happened. A lot may depend on what he says - if he says it was totally consensual/two-sided and that he didn’t feel harassed etc I would think you might get nothing more than a telling off for inappropriate behaviour. If he complains that would be more serious. It might be an idea to try and apologise to him as soon as you can.

You may also find that nothing happens at all other than you being the subject of the office gossip next week. So much depends on the culture of where you work - some places just take it as read that there will be some bad behaviour at Christmas parties while others don’t tolerate it at all.

Not sure if that’s helpful but I’ve been responsible for organising loads of company Christmas parties over the years and there’s always at least one person who gets wasted and does something embarrassing/inappropriate. The fall out is
rarely predictable - I’ve seen people that have got in to a lot of trouble for just making a bit of an arse of themselves and others get away with what I’d say was sackable behaviour - all depends on the management/HR/culture etc.

Genuine question. Why is being Public Sector "context"?

You behaved lewdly and cringingly.

Just imagining your sweaty hands on his bum is making me queasy.

Oh gosh don’t worry about it. People do much worse things drunk

Pretty grim behaviour from you and if it was the other way around and you were posting saying you'd been groped that way posters would be telling you to report him for sexual harassment

I expect because in the private sector we fuck each other with abandon and no one holds anyone to account?

That's really grim behaviour on your part. I think you need to apologise to him at the very least and hope there's no HR involvement.

If he tried to kiss you I'd say he wasn't worried but I would apologise to him ASAP.
Your friends are awful for saying you made his year and stuff but that's on them.
Will you get in trouble at work? Totally depends. I have worked in places where nothing would be said but also places where it would be unacceptable. You might get away with it as you weren't at work but it's not a given.
Regardless you still need to apologise and you are right if the roles roles were reversed everyone would be horrified.

@Flamesatmytoes I genuinely didn't know this, 30 years in private sector. But now you come to mention it...

When you’re VERY drunk the only place to go to is home, not another party with people you work with.

What was the thinking behind getting very drunk before you went to the work party? You couldn't have just had one glass of wine or a cocktail?

Awful, creepy behaviour from you and your friends, that shy man must feel mortified.

It sounds like he might be interested. If you are too, this could be the start of something beautiful 😆

Mortified for you and I'd be reeling at the thought of going in next week. It's done now though and you can't go back in time and change anything so I'd apologise to the man in question, hope nothing more comes of it and never ever attend a work do drunk again.