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Original poster

Was my behaviour at the Christmas do out of line?

290 replies

strawberrycream1233 · 16/12/2023 18:38

For context, I work in the public sector.

We had a Christmas party last night. I went for some drinks with my department before and arrived VERY drunk. My colleagues were dancing with one of the younger guys and giving him lots of attention. I felt sorry for his friend who is shy and was standing on his own at this time, ignored. I pulled him over to dance, and (I’m cringing) got pretty handsy with him, hands all over his bum and pulling him closer. Lots of people noticed and commented! I hear how awful this sounds now, but in my mind I was just having fun and including him, although I can see how it probably looked a bit seedy.

Towards the end of the night (I was even more drunk by this point) he pulled me round the corner away from the group. I’m hazy at this point, but I’m pretty sure he tried to kiss me. I know I didn’t kiss him back, and shocked he was being so forward (he’s very very shy and quiet). Another colleague bobbed round the corner and pulled me away and I was taken home!

Woken up this morning convinced I’ve been predatory and am going to be sacked for sexual harassment, and that I’ve taken advantage of him and shouldn’t have touched him. There would have been tons of people that saw me touching him. I just keep thinking if it was reversed genders and a man had been all over ME like that, he would have been (rightly) held to account there and then, whereas no one really seemed bothered by me doing it. We’re both similar age and don’t work together closely, our paths probably won’t cross for a while to be honest, which makes it more awkward,

Was I unreasonable? How can I applied for my behaviour?!

OP posts:
Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 16/12/2023 20:37

I think I will bow of of this discussion as i feel l have stepped straight back to 1979 , when I started work .

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 20:38

So icky

Luckingfovely · 16/12/2023 20:38

The thing is that as easy as it is to compare it to the other way around - there is still no parity there.

Most young men would be delighted with a bit of wandering hands and flirting on the dance floor.

Because the threat and potential is simply not the same as the other way round.

You can throw all sorts of hypothetical scenarios at this, but he tried to kiss her later. I'd wager he was thinking, god, YES, I'm in here!

Yes, OP, it's mortifying, but he can't possibly make a complaint when you were flirty with him and then he tried to kiss you.

This story goes on up and down the country at this time of year.

A lesson learnt for you, for sure.

But it's not a peg to hang the whole history of violence against women on.

ODFOx · 16/12/2023 20:40

Younger, shy, not dancing.
You pulled him onto the dance floor and were 'handsy'.

If you were a man it would be called groping, not handsy.
On the one hand I wish no-one I'll and hope he's ok and there are no repercussions. On the other hand you should get at least a formal warning as you behaved really inappropriately.

Lweji · 16/12/2023 20:40

It´s irrelevant whether he liked it or not. You did not have prior consent or indication of consent.

Besides that, I don´t think it´s appropriate behaviour for a work party at all, even if he had consented.

Caplin · 16/12/2023 20:41

For everyone saying he was ok with it, that was when he thought s he fancied him. Then he realised she was either feeling sorry for him or taking the piss. So in the cold light of day he could, rightly, raise a grievance.

if he doesn’t, think yourself lucky, deal with the mortification and thank your lucky stars….and stop getting drunk at work dos.

Gillypie23 · 16/12/2023 20:41

I don't understand why people get that drunk. You just need to own it and apologise.

Goodlard · 16/12/2023 20:41

Oh how embarrassing Op!

Mayhemmumma · 16/12/2023 20:42

Urgh awkward. I'd apologise to him as soon as possible, say you were drunk but that this was no excuse.

Flamesatmytoes · 16/12/2023 20:43

Lweji · 16/12/2023 20:40

It´s irrelevant whether he liked it or not. You did not have prior consent or indication of consent.

Besides that, I don´t think it´s appropriate behaviour for a work party at all, even if he had consented.

What like joining her on the dance floor, consent!

Nt1993 · 16/12/2023 20:44

Dancing is one thing, touching someone’s bum and groping them without any consent first is really bad.

I used to work at a venue and we used to hire male dancers (think dream boys) and other acts.. The amount of middle aged women we had to throw out who would get drunk and touch the acts without consent was absolutely insane. I find it absolutely crazy that anyone would touch someone without their blessing first. They would also get worked up and then do the same to the bar staff (unwarranted flirting, touching bums etc.) It used to make me cross because they would often do it to young lads and it would be laughed off but oftentimes these younger guys would come to me as management after and say they were made to feel extremely uncomfortable.

However, the fact that he has tried to kiss you after leads me to think there’s no way he’s going to be reporting you or anything and he obviously has seen this as an ok thing for you to do. I’d be mortified to think what other staff think though. Lesson learned - maybe don’t touch anyone without asking first.

WhoIsnt · 16/12/2023 20:44

Yeh that's gross and embarrassing for you to be honest. You're predatory and do not assume he was fully into it just because he's shy and a bloke. Unacceptable and you should apologise.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 16/12/2023 20:45

I can't believe there still people who minimise and excuse this type of behaviour.

"Hands all over his bum" - this behaviour falls under the exact definition of sexual assult. It may well be on the lower end but per the law, it is sexual assault and rightly do, people can't just go around groping others.

Actupfishy · 16/12/2023 20:47

Typical mumsnet pile on.
'expect a disciplinary on Monday' have you lot never been to a works Christmas party?

Silverbirchtwo · 16/12/2023 20:47

Apologise that you led him on and say you had too much to drink. Say you think he is a lovely guy but you have no interest in him, you were just being nice (you thought).

flowerchild2000 · 16/12/2023 20:48

JudgeJ · 16/12/2023 20:00

And the 2023 MN Hypocrisy prize goes to......................!

'you're not on the same plane as a man' so basically it's only wrong if a man does it, if a woman does she's scoring one for the sisterhood?

Show quote history

Read the first line please. And don't attempt to put words in my mouth, you're not good at it.

Sirian · 16/12/2023 20:49

You shouldn’t have initiated this, it was totally wrong to grab him. Luckily he seems to have been willing otherwise it could have turned out very badly for you. Honestly the meanest thing about this is you’ve obviously given him the impression you’re interested in him, which is why he followed up with a kiss. He’s going to be really let down when you say it was all just a joke.

YouStupidGirl · 16/12/2023 20:51

God, some of the reactions are mad on MN. In RL no one would bat an eyelid at this at a Christmas party 😂yes it's a bit embarrassing but surely pretty standard for an office do this time of year?

AS IF you're going to face a disciplinary 🤣🤣🤣

I don't give a crap what anyone says - it IS different when a woman does this to a man. As is shown by the guys reaction (to see it as "game on")

I actually feel really glad I grew up in the 80's/90's- so much more fun without people judging what is essentially human nature.

Showmethesunny · 16/12/2023 20:51

You’re peers. Did he find the interaction uncomfortable? Doesn’t sound like it. It’s sexual harassment if the person says no / is obviously not interested. He tried to kiss you so it’s not that. Forget about it

Wellhellooooodear · 16/12/2023 20:52

Mortifying OP, but comedy. I wouldn't worry.

Wellhellooooodear · 16/12/2023 20:54

YouStupidGirl · 16/12/2023 20:51

God, some of the reactions are mad on MN. In RL no one would bat an eyelid at this at a Christmas party 😂yes it's a bit embarrassing but surely pretty standard for an office do this time of year?

AS IF you're going to face a disciplinary 🤣🤣🤣

I don't give a crap what anyone says - it IS different when a woman does this to a man. As is shown by the guys reaction (to see it as "game on")

I actually feel really glad I grew up in the 80's/90's- so much more fun without people judging what is essentially human nature.

This. Fucking hell, we'd all be locked up now

Panaa · 16/12/2023 20:55

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 16/12/2023 20:45

I can't believe there still people who minimise and excuse this type of behaviour.

"Hands all over his bum" - this behaviour falls under the exact definition of sexual assult. It may well be on the lower end but per the law, it is sexual assault and rightly do, people can't just go around groping others.

Only if the behaviour is unwanted.
People can be ridiculously PC all you want, but if the touching was welcome and wanted then no way would it be considered sexual assault.

ExTheCheater · 16/12/2023 20:56

Disgusting behaviour. You should be embarrassed of yourself.

RosePetals86 · 16/12/2023 20:56

Nothing good comes from getting extremely drunk at work christmas Parties OP. I would expect whispers on Monday but as you’re a woman you probably won’t be hauled in to HR unless this guy makes a complaint- which if he tried to Kiss you later on- I guess he won’t.
Learn from this OP!

Panaa · 16/12/2023 20:57

Caplin · 16/12/2023 20:41

For everyone saying he was ok with it, that was when he thought s he fancied him. Then he realised she was either feeling sorry for him or taking the piss. So in the cold light of day he could, rightly, raise a grievance.

if he doesn’t, think yourself lucky, deal with the mortification and thank your lucky stars….and stop getting drunk at work dos.

Edited

And if that happened the OP has a colleague who saw that he tried to kiss her afterwards and she didn't kiss him back...so it will be obvious that him raising a grievance was done with malice and he could be facing a disciplinary himself.