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Original poster

Was my behaviour at the Christmas do out of line?

290 replies

strawberrycream1233 · 16/12/2023 18:38

For context, I work in the public sector.

We had a Christmas party last night. I went for some drinks with my department before and arrived VERY drunk. My colleagues were dancing with one of the younger guys and giving him lots of attention. I felt sorry for his friend who is shy and was standing on his own at this time, ignored. I pulled him over to dance, and (I’m cringing) got pretty handsy with him, hands all over his bum and pulling him closer. Lots of people noticed and commented! I hear how awful this sounds now, but in my mind I was just having fun and including him, although I can see how it probably looked a bit seedy.

Towards the end of the night (I was even more drunk by this point) he pulled me round the corner away from the group. I’m hazy at this point, but I’m pretty sure he tried to kiss me. I know I didn’t kiss him back, and shocked he was being so forward (he’s very very shy and quiet). Another colleague bobbed round the corner and pulled me away and I was taken home!

Woken up this morning convinced I’ve been predatory and am going to be sacked for sexual harassment, and that I’ve taken advantage of him and shouldn’t have touched him. There would have been tons of people that saw me touching him. I just keep thinking if it was reversed genders and a man had been all over ME like that, he would have been (rightly) held to account there and then, whereas no one really seemed bothered by me doing it. We’re both similar age and don’t work together closely, our paths probably won’t cross for a while to be honest, which makes it more awkward,

Was I unreasonable? How can I applied for my behaviour?!

OP posts:
Caplin · 17/12/2023 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sherahprincessofpower · 17/12/2023 00:12

TheHateIsNotGood · 16/12/2023 23:18

HRTFL but I'm amazed that as a public sector worker you even have a Xmas 'do', just a week ago there was a thread where many posters declared they had never had a xmas do in decades as they worked in the PS, like that was a fait accompli and they were bereft of any work benefits or joy, ever.

Rather surprisingly, a week later, so many of the 'regretful xmas do' posts are coming from public sector workers.

Doesn't affect me, I'm self-employed (poorer but happier), so just something I've noticed is all.

I worked in the public sector for years.

We always had Christmas work nights out.

We paid for them ourselves.

Did you really believe that public sector workers weren't capable of organising and paying for their own Christmas parties and haven't done for years 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Some people really do live in a narrow glass box of their own self importance,

MidnightMeltdown · 17/12/2023 00:17

It's not great, but I don't think it's a a bad as it would have been if there was a power imbalance, or if you were significantly older.

As it is, I would just apologise when back at work

Simpleblessingsxx · 17/12/2023 00:43

YouStupidGirl · 16/12/2023 22:35

I tended to look out for inappropriate behaviour at staff gatherings

Oh Jesus, I bet you are THAT person everyone tries to avoid in the office 🤣

🤣👍

Azandme · 17/12/2023 06:27

Flamesatmytoes · 16/12/2023 19:50

Only if HE, not you, felt unhappy. As he tried to kiss her, clearly he was game and not in the least harassed.

Show quote history

Well obviously 🙄. You're assuming judgement in my response that isn't there - I don't care either way. But HE might - and he could raise a grievance. Which he might depending on how he felt when the op rejected him.

I arrange events for work that require me to write the disclaimer about extension of workplace and possible outcomes though, hence why I answered the question posed.

Scalottia · 17/12/2023 06:28

Good lord people need to control their drinking. Extremely unprofessional.

Flapjacker48 · 17/12/2023 06:35

Are.you from a more middle class background than him?

vanillaredbushtea · 17/12/2023 06:37

TeaKitten · 16/12/2023 23:14

Are you joking? I can’t tell

Show quote history

No. I am not. Maybe run the email past HR before you send it

vanillaredbushtea · 17/12/2023 06:40

I think some posters need to go and watch that cup of tea video about consent

Azandme · 17/12/2023 07:05

iwillnotstaycalm · 16/12/2023 22:52

This is a bit harsh on the op. She was clearly drunk and feels very shameful about it, but I don't think her intention's were shameful, perhaps just a little misguided given the fact she was intoxicated.

Yes this doesn't excuse things but it's clearly that it's something she has recognised and learned from.

Op, I would genuinely just apologise to him if you feel it necessary. I had a work colleague text me drunk once at a ridiculous hour. I put very strict boundaries in place, especially after I became a manager and he apologised, it was fine, we moved on. Perhaps next time you go to a work party, to just be mindful of what you are doing and how you feel now.

Show quote history

It's not harsh, it's just true. No point being falsely nice - nice "doth butter no parsnips."

Part of my role is investigating grievances - I wish I could say op has nothing to worry about, but it would be harsh to lie to her.

Neriah · 17/12/2023 07:18

Iknowtheyareusefulstorage · 16/12/2023 19:01

Most of us have made complete tits of ourselves when we were drunk.
Own it, apologise to him for being drunk and potentially embarrassing him and learn from it. Don't do it again.
Then move on.

That makes it ok then. I hope you apply the same rationale to drunken men harassing women. But I doubt it.

FWIIW there are other options - like not getting drunk in the first place, and not turning up to a works party already drunk. It is entirely possible to have a great night out without getting drunk and sexually harassing ones colleagues.

KimberleyClark · 17/12/2023 07:41

Caplin · 16/12/2023 20:41

For everyone saying he was ok with it, that was when he thought s he fancied him. Then he realised she was either feeling sorry for him or taking the piss. So in the cold light of day he could, rightly, raise a grievance.

if he doesn’t, think yourself lucky, deal with the mortification and thank your lucky stars….and stop getting drunk at work dos.

Edited

This.

WhichIsItWendy · 17/12/2023 07:46

Why would you arrive at a works party drunk? It's very bad manners and very unprofessional.

Control yourself. Alcohol isn't an excuse for poor behaviour. You need to apologise to your colleague and then address your drinking.

KimberleyClark · 17/12/2023 08:09

CommonOrNot · 16/12/2023 22:11

Like I’ve said above yes I would say this if it was reversed. It’s pathetic that people cry sexual assault in situations like this. If he was that offended he wouldn’t have tried to kiss her.

I for one am absolutely sick to the back teeth of people like you crying and whinging about any bit of flirting/banter/cheekiness. If your life could be that affected by a little mess around/grope then stay inside and let everyone else live like the normal people we were meant to be.

Show quote history

Maybe if OP hadn’t pulled him onto the dance floor pulled him closer, started getting handsy and groping his bum he would not have tried to kiss her later on.

CommonOrNot · 17/12/2023 08:43

KimberleyClark · 17/12/2023 08:09

Maybe if OP hadn’t pulled him onto the dance floor pulled him closer, started getting handsy and groping his bum he would not have tried to kiss her later on.

Show quote history

Win win then?

5128gap · 17/12/2023 08:47

Azandme · 17/12/2023 06:27

Well obviously 🙄. You're assuming judgement in my response that isn't there - I don't care either way. But HE might - and he could raise a grievance. Which he might depending on how he felt when the op rejected him.

I arrange events for work that require me to write the disclaimer about extension of workplace and possible outcomes though, hence why I answered the question posed.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, it's this. All the moralising and judging and reversal of the sexes to make some silly false comparisons is irrelevant. All that matters here is what this guy decides to do. In the event the OPs behaviour made him think it was Christmas and his birthday at once, only to be brought down to earth and feel a fool when he realised he was being toyed with, then he may well make a revenge complaint. After that much will depend on witness accounts. As for it being shrugged off because of their sexes, I couldn't disagree more. Men are making a lot of noise about themselves as victims of sexism of late, and a public sector employer is unlikely to want to risk being seen to treat a man differently.

DCINightingale · 17/12/2023 08:54

It isnt great OP. I'd ensure you apologise to him and look at taking steps with yourself to ensure it has no chance of happening again. From a work perspective, if there are consequences you are largely going to have to accept them. Importantly it's clear you have correctly identified the behaviour as horribly inappropriate and embarrassing, it's up to you to make sure it doesn't reoccur.

Yes I'm sure most of us have made idiots of ourselves on work dos but sometimes it goes beyond idiot. I've been there, well not exactly there, but similarly embarrassing behaviour and it's a horrible feeling. I didn't consider myself to have a drinking problem, but the problem occured when I drank, so I don't drink any more. That way I know it can NEVER happen again

Frasers · 17/12/2023 09:18

Can you imagine a woman posted this from the opposite perspective.

im really shy and quiet and was at a work event, one of the men got very drunk
he pulled me onto the dance floor and started feeling my arse and groping me in front of every one. People were noticing and commenting.
I didn’t tell him to stop, I know I should have. But as said, I am very quiet and shy and never encountered this before.
later on,outside, I tried to have a quiet word with me. He tried to kiss me, and someone dragged him away. He was so drunk he thinks I tried to kiss him
now all the other employees are saying it’s fine.its ok to feel me up , and that I would have loved it.
what will I do.

I’m fairly sure no one would be posting, no harm done, eh. Bet you were loving it.he was just having some fun.

PricklePop · 17/12/2023 09:49

Frasers · 17/12/2023 09:18

Can you imagine a woman posted this from the opposite perspective.

im really shy and quiet and was at a work event, one of the men got very drunk
he pulled me onto the dance floor and started feeling my arse and groping me in front of every one. People were noticing and commenting.
I didn’t tell him to stop, I know I should have. But as said, I am very quiet and shy and never encountered this before.
later on,outside, I tried to have a quiet word with me. He tried to kiss me, and someone dragged him away. He was so drunk he thinks I tried to kiss him
now all the other employees are saying it’s fine.its ok to feel me up , and that I would have loved it.
what will I do.

I’m fairly sure no one would be posting, no harm done, eh. Bet you were loving it.he was just having some fun.

Sis this happen to you? What's the relevance of this story?

Surlyburd · 17/12/2023 10:10

Yeah you were unreasonable , but you regret it, and sounds like your behaviour was far removed from how you usually behave. Try not to give it a second thought. Get in early before anyone else at work so you can face people one by one rather than all at once. If it does go further, i e HR then make sure you have a union rep. I suspect the guy will be fine though, given his reaction.

Frasers · 17/12/2023 10:25

PricklePop · 17/12/2023 09:49

Sis this happen to you? What's the relevance of this story?

Show quote history

Huh? It’s from the person on the receiving ends, and saying it’s a woman getting treated ljke that

5128gap · 17/12/2023 10:30

Frasers · 17/12/2023 09:18

Can you imagine a woman posted this from the opposite perspective.

im really shy and quiet and was at a work event, one of the men got very drunk
he pulled me onto the dance floor and started feeling my arse and groping me in front of every one. People were noticing and commenting.
I didn’t tell him to stop, I know I should have. But as said, I am very quiet and shy and never encountered this before.
later on,outside, I tried to have a quiet word with me. He tried to kiss me, and someone dragged him away. He was so drunk he thinks I tried to kiss him
now all the other employees are saying it’s fine.its ok to feel me up , and that I would have loved it.
what will I do.

I’m fairly sure no one would be posting, no harm done, eh. Bet you were loving it.he was just having some fun.

Sadly yes, I can well imagine the scenario you describe. It happens to women all too often. Had a young woman posted this I'm sure most replies would have been wholly supportive.
However, this isn't the situation we're being Invited to comment on, is it? So other than to remind us (lest we forget) that women are often subject to sexual harassment from male colleagues, I'm not sure of your point?

Frasers · 17/12/2023 10:32

5128gap · 17/12/2023 10:30

Sadly yes, I can well imagine the scenario you describe. It happens to women all too often. Had a young woman posted this I'm sure most replies would have been wholly supportive.
However, this isn't the situation we're being Invited to comment on, is it? So other than to remind us (lest we forget) that women are often subject to sexual harassment from male colleagues, I'm not sure of your point?

Show quote history

The point is, and I’m shocked I have to explain it. We cannot dictate men can’t treat us in a certain way, but at the same time treat men in the exact same way. Hey you can’t grope us , but we can you. That’s utterly ridiculous.

PricklePop · 17/12/2023 10:40

Huh? It’s from the person on the receiving ends, and saying it’s a woman getting treated ljke that

As far as we know, he doesn't feel that way. Op said she thinks he tried to kiss her and her friend pulled her away.

She may have been in a drunken haze and doubting her memory , but spinning it that she tried to kiss him is a bit of a leap.

5128gap · 17/12/2023 10:49

Frasers · 17/12/2023 10:32

The point is, and I’m shocked I have to explain it. We cannot dictate men can’t treat us in a certain way, but at the same time treat men in the exact same way. Hey you can’t grope us , but we can you. That’s utterly ridiculous.

Show quote history

Nonsense. The fact that one woman groped a male colleague who may or may not have been uncomfortable will not for a second stop me from demanding that men stop groping women. I will continue to demand that men stop sexually harassing women until they stop. Which I don't expect to happen in my lifetime. The idea I'd sit in silence about the abuse of women and girls which happens to countless women every day because the odd woman behaves inappropriately and a man MAY have been upset, is the thing that's utterly ridiculous.