Was my behaviour at the Christmas do out of line?

[strawberrycream1233]

For context, I work in the public sector.

We had a Christmas party last night. I went for some drinks with my department before and arrived VERY drunk. My colleagues were dancing with one of the younger guys and giving him lots of attention. I felt sorry for his friend who is shy and was standing on his own at this time, ignored. I pulled him over to dance, and (I’m cringing) got pretty handsy with him, hands all over his bum and pulling him closer. Lots of people noticed and commented! I hear how awful this sounds now, but in my mind I was just having fun and including him, although I can see how it probably looked a bit seedy.

Towards the end of the night (I was even more drunk by this point) he pulled me round the corner away from the group. I’m hazy at this point, but I’m pretty sure he tried to kiss me. I know I didn’t kiss him back, and shocked he was being so forward (he’s very very shy and quiet). Another colleague bobbed round the corner and pulled me away and I was taken home!

Woken up this morning convinced I’ve been predatory and am going to be sacked for sexual harassment, and that I’ve taken advantage of him and shouldn’t have touched him. There would have been tons of people that saw me touching him. I just keep thinking if it was reversed genders and a man had been all over ME like that, he would have been (rightly) held to account there and then, whereas no one really seemed bothered by me doing it. We’re both similar age and don’t work together closely, our paths probably won’t cross for a while to be honest, which makes it more awkward,

Was I unreasonable? How can I applied for my behaviour?!

I'd want to apologise, but choose your words carefully, to avoid making matters worse.

Meh. Worse things have happened at sea. It was a Christmas party. You are probably hungover today and feeling very silly. As you should do. Apologies to him. Expect to be gossiped about a little at work perhaps but ultimately I don't think a huge amount of harm has been done here. Remember other people were likely pissed too.

I would just assume you don't go out socialising much and are unsure how to behave at company events.

How was she to know that when she started groping him? If the thread was about a male doing that to a female there would be outrage from everyone.

Work functions are extensions of the workplace - so the "Yeah, and?" is she could be in a world of shit for sexual harassment in the workplace.

"I was pissed." won't be accepted as justification.

Doesn’t sound like it, he tried to hit it off with op after.

Why are people trying to make op feel worse? For something they both seemed to enjoy?

And goodness gracious there's a lot of judgement on this thread! I'm genuinely surprised. Perhaps some people enjoy the feeling of outrage a bit too much!

Yep - am snuggled under a blanket watching Strictly whilst work colleagues are at the Christmas do. Two of the younger women have already posted pictures on SM of them out pre-drinking. I’ll wait till Monday for all the gossip.

It is wrong behaviour. Will it get you the sack, I doubt it. If you cannot take much to drink it is no crime to have non-alcoholic drinks or even to decline to go to the event.

People saying OP could be in line for sexual harassment, do you think the same re the guy removing her from the group and trying to kiss her?

Just feels very dramatic over a drunken incident, OP is likely nursing a sore head, and severe hangxiety, I think that's punishment enough.

Only if HE, not you, felt unhappy. As he tried to kiss her, clearly he was game and not in the least harassed.

I'm probably older than a lot of people commenting - but I'd chalk it up to embarrassing experience, OP. Work parties are (or were) renowned for inadvisable behaviour, males and females alike. Nobody was scarred by some regrettable groping - it was just horribly embarrassing, and that was that. I think embarrassment is sufficient "punishment". Talk of disciplinaries etc seems to me to be very po-faced and millennial. I'm glad I am not young now.

No it's not " out of line " it's sexual assault. If a male had dragged a female onto the dance floor and groped her tits without her consent they would be being advised to involve the policeand HR dept . It doesn't matter what he subsequently did , you couldn't have known his reaction. If there are no consequences this time you need to totally rethink your behaviour and sincerely apologise . The fact you posted in aibu shows you are not really sure if you did anything "wrong" or whether you were just a bit embarrassing.

There would be outrage if he was on here saying some drunk chick at his works so wouldn’t leave his ass alone. He’s not though, and so him trying to kiss her is the evidence we have that he seemed quite invested in taking it further, not stopping it.

OP it’s mortifying, but style it out.

This used to happen to me a lot, especially by much older women. Sitting on my knee, lewd comments, grabbing my butt etc. I could tell a thousand tales but it would be too much for here.

If we are seeing the world through 2023 eyes and in light of equality, it would appear very wrong. However, I always just laughed it off and it never bothered me. But then again, I am a guy and there was never ever a chance of any woman ever assaulting me.

I am not excusing the behaviour but it is very different when a bloke starts to get handsy with a drunk female. The risk is so much greater.

You are a similar age and seniority in the company so no power imbalance, he tried to kiss you afterwards so clearly enjoyed your attention.

just apologise and don’t get drunk next time.

"in my mind I was just having fun and including him"

How often have we heard this from men? Just a bit of fun?

Yeh this. Come on now. If he’s upset or offended offer a heartfelt apology. Same if management say anything though that’s unlikely. He was as bad as you trying it on! Otherwise laugh it off and move on!

Did you travel back in time to 1987, OP? Thought this sort of behaviour was extinct now.

Eughhh just wtf????

And the 2023 MN Hypocrisy prize goes to......................!

'you're not on the same plane as a man' so basically it's only wrong if a man does it, if a woman does she's scoring one for the sisterhood?

OP one day you might be a manager and have to deal with the fall out from this kind of shit. I am a manager in the public sector - If another colleague complains to their manager about your behaviour, that manager will have to deal with it. It does not just have to be a complaint from the man you groped. Do not under any circumstances try and contact him on his personal number if you have to get this off someone else.

Some of these comments are pathetic. The difference is clear. Never, at any point, will this man have been worried that the OP was going to rape or sexually assault him. There’s the difference.

I remember a young lad telling a much older woman at work that she had a lovely pair. A bunch of petrol station flowers were procured for him to make amends. He presented the flowers, said "I'm sorry" then unfortunately felt compelled to add "obviously, you don't have a lovely pair".