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Original poster

Was my behaviour at the Christmas do out of line?

290 replies

strawberrycream1233 · 16/12/2023 18:38

For context, I work in the public sector.

We had a Christmas party last night. I went for some drinks with my department before and arrived VERY drunk. My colleagues were dancing with one of the younger guys and giving him lots of attention. I felt sorry for his friend who is shy and was standing on his own at this time, ignored. I pulled him over to dance, and (I’m cringing) got pretty handsy with him, hands all over his bum and pulling him closer. Lots of people noticed and commented! I hear how awful this sounds now, but in my mind I was just having fun and including him, although I can see how it probably looked a bit seedy.

Towards the end of the night (I was even more drunk by this point) he pulled me round the corner away from the group. I’m hazy at this point, but I’m pretty sure he tried to kiss me. I know I didn’t kiss him back, and shocked he was being so forward (he’s very very shy and quiet). Another colleague bobbed round the corner and pulled me away and I was taken home!

Woken up this morning convinced I’ve been predatory and am going to be sacked for sexual harassment, and that I’ve taken advantage of him and shouldn’t have touched him. There would have been tons of people that saw me touching him. I just keep thinking if it was reversed genders and a man had been all over ME like that, he would have been (rightly) held to account there and then, whereas no one really seemed bothered by me doing it. We’re both similar age and don’t work together closely, our paths probably won’t cross for a while to be honest, which makes it more awkward,

Was I unreasonable? How can I applied for my behaviour?!

OP posts:
DieuEtMonTwat · 16/12/2023 20:05

41quid · 16/12/2023 20:04

I remember a young lad telling a much older woman at work that she had a lovely pair. A bunch of petrol station flowers were procured for him to make amends. He presented the flowers, said "I'm sorry" then unfortunately felt compelled to add "obviously, you don't have a lovely pair".

Show quote history

😂😂😂

Prettypaisleyslippers · 16/12/2023 20:05

My work do was proper lame, can I come you yours next year?

parsely · 16/12/2023 20:06

So you groped him without his consent. Then he tried to kiss you when you were to drunk to consent. Sounds about even to me.

DieuEtMonTwat · 16/12/2023 20:08

No it's not " out of line " it's sexual assault

Actually, this kind of nonsense makes actual cases of sexual assault far more difficult to prove. If everyone who has a regrettable drunken fumble claims "sexual assault", we all become sort of immune to the reality of a sexual assault.

Stupid snogging and wandering hands at an office party when most people are drunk is not sexual assault.

BlackPanther75 · 16/12/2023 20:11

Sounds like a traditional Christmas works party to me.

Obviously if you were a bloke you’d be called a massive pervert nowadays. But you sound like a lot of fun 🥳

enchantedsquirrelwood · 16/12/2023 20:12

Just for anyone reading this. Do NOT get really drunk before, at, or after, your work party.

Remember that being drunk is not an excuse, it is an aggravating factor.

CoolShoeshine · 16/12/2023 20:13

Don’t worry too much, sounds as though everything you did to him was completely in public and pretty tongue in cheek, plus he seemed to appreciate your efforts!
Don’t contact him to apologise though, it would be seen as an admission of liability. Keep quiet and let it get forgotten about.

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 16/12/2023 20:15

@,DieuEtmoTwat , being groped without consent isn't nonsense . Being drunk isn't an excuse . In any other location nobody would doubt it was an assault. I am of an age where this was considered acceptable party behaviour and i have been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour, I hoped we had all moved on but you clearly haven't.

pizzaHeart · 16/12/2023 20:17

I would apologize to this guy and I would also be serious and apologetic with your team and wouldn’t joke about it on Monday.

Runoutofinkagain · 16/12/2023 20:20

I am shocked at the number of posts excusing this behaviour, if it had been a woman coming on upset about a man doing this to them people would be calling for the man to be sacked and quite rightly to be honest- there is no place in this world for sexual assault on either sex

CommonOrNot · 16/12/2023 20:25

It was a bit of fun. No big deal.

and yes I would say the same if the genders were reversed.

CommonOrNot · 16/12/2023 20:26

Runoutofinkagain · 16/12/2023 20:20

I am shocked at the number of posts excusing this behaviour, if it had been a woman coming on upset about a man doing this to them people would be calling for the man to be sacked and quite rightly to be honest- there is no place in this world for sexual assault on either sex

Sexual assault? 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Qomolangma · 16/12/2023 20:26

Pinkelephant66 · 16/12/2023 19:09

Oh gosh don’t worry about it. People do much worse things drunk

You wouldn’t say this if the roles reversed.

CommonOrNot · 16/12/2023 20:27

DieuEtMonTwat · 16/12/2023 20:08

No it's not " out of line " it's sexual assault

Actually, this kind of nonsense makes actual cases of sexual assault far more difficult to prove. If everyone who has a regrettable drunken fumble claims "sexual assault", we all become sort of immune to the reality of a sexual assault.

Stupid snogging and wandering hands at an office party when most people are drunk is not sexual assault.

Finally some sense!

Panaa · 16/12/2023 20:27

MagentaRocks · 16/12/2023 19:45

How was she to know that when she started groping him? If the thread was about a male doing that to a female there would be outrage from everyone.

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Well people tend to refer to it as groping when it was unwanted and unwelcome, but they don't refer to it in that way when they actually wanted it and liked it.

Pinkelephant66 · 16/12/2023 20:28

Did you not read the bit where she said he pulled her to one side later on and tried to kiss her.

the judgement on here is insane! Some of the comments must be a joke

Panaa · 16/12/2023 20:28

Runoutofinkagain · 16/12/2023 20:20

I am shocked at the number of posts excusing this behaviour, if it had been a woman coming on upset about a man doing this to them people would be calling for the man to be sacked and quite rightly to be honest- there is no place in this world for sexual assault on either sex

That's a different situation though.
There's no suggestion that this man was upset at all. He sought her out afterwards and tried to kiss her.

It would be completely different if he was upset.

If a woman came on here upset that a male colleague had groped her on the dancefloor and she was upset then everyone would say to report and he was a sex pest.
If a woman came on here and said that a male colleague was feeling her bum and then later she pulled him aside to try to kiss him then nobody would be saying it was assault or to report him.

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 20:28

Awful behaviour. I'd start looking for a new job I'm the new year and apologise. You can't work with him any more. Poor bloke.

Runoutofinkagain · 16/12/2023 20:29

Panaa · 16/12/2023 20:28

That's a different situation though.
There's no suggestion that this man was upset at all. He sought her out afterwards and tried to kiss her.

It would be completely different if he was upset.

If a woman came on here upset that a male colleague had groped her on the dancefloor and she was upset then everyone would say to report and he was a sex pest.
If a woman came on here and said that a male colleague was feeling her bum and then later she pulled him aside to try to kiss him then nobody would be saying it was assault or to report him.

Edited
Show quote history

She groped someone who was standing quietly at the side on the dance floor- totally unacceptable.

DieuEtMonTwat · 16/12/2023 20:30

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 16/12/2023 20:15

@,DieuEtmoTwat , being groped without consent isn't nonsense . Being drunk isn't an excuse . In any other location nobody would doubt it was an assault. I am of an age where this was considered acceptable party behaviour and i have been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour, I hoped we had all moved on but you clearly haven't.

I disagree. Someone taking massive advantage of someone else being drunk, and using it as an opportunity to get them alone and assault them is one thing. Both parties being drunk, and in public, and indulging in embarrassing behaviour is a different matter. I have been on the receiving end of unwanted public groping, and was on occasion slightly too forward at parties in my younger days (I am still embarrassed to think about one poor boy who rejected my - public - advances at a party, and it was over 30 years ago!)

If I had found myself alone with a man who had decided that he could forcibly fuck me because I had flirted with him an an office party, I would have regarded that as a very different situation.

Consent is even more difficult nowadays because alcohol is involved in so many cases. It's also a bit rubbish. Are we supposed to get someone to sign a consent form every time we get a bit flirty with them?

Qomolangma · 16/12/2023 20:31

CommonOrNot · 16/12/2023 20:27

Finally some sense!

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You would say this if the roles were reversed. It’s seedy how relaxed people are when it’s a woman.

Runoutofinkagain · 16/12/2023 20:31

CommonOrNot · 16/12/2023 20:27

Finally some sense!

Show quote history

There was zero indication of interest on his part when she groped him so it is sexual assault

Panaa · 16/12/2023 20:31

Runoutofinkagain · 16/12/2023 20:29

She groped someone who was standing quietly at the side on the dance floor- totally unacceptable.

Show quote history

Perhaps he didn't feel 'groped'.

We don't tend to see it as groping when we're interested in the person, only if it's unwanted and unwelcome, which it doesn't sound like it was in this case because he then got her away from the group afterwards and tried to kiss her.

DieuEtMonTwat · 16/12/2023 20:35

@Qomolangma I would 100% say the same if the sexes were reversed. They were both fooling around at a party in a public place. Nobody was hurt by it. I would hate to be young now - part of being young is doing stupid and embarrassing things which harm nobody at all, and dissecting them with your friends the next day. This type of situation couldn't be more different from a calculated sexual assault.

Redwineislife · 16/12/2023 20:36

@strawberrycream1233 the alcohol wearing off will be making your anxiety worse. Honestly I don’t think this is as bad as you think, not great but when people are drinking these things happen. I also work in public sector and at our Christmas party last week there were drunk colleagues feeling each other up left right and centre. Sexual harassment is something different entirely.

Get a good nights sleep and you’ll be ready to take on Monday at work.

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