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Original poster

Was my behaviour at the Christmas do out of line?

290 replies

strawberrycream1233 · 16/12/2023 18:38

For context, I work in the public sector.

We had a Christmas party last night. I went for some drinks with my department before and arrived VERY drunk. My colleagues were dancing with one of the younger guys and giving him lots of attention. I felt sorry for his friend who is shy and was standing on his own at this time, ignored. I pulled him over to dance, and (I’m cringing) got pretty handsy with him, hands all over his bum and pulling him closer. Lots of people noticed and commented! I hear how awful this sounds now, but in my mind I was just having fun and including him, although I can see how it probably looked a bit seedy.

Towards the end of the night (I was even more drunk by this point) he pulled me round the corner away from the group. I’m hazy at this point, but I’m pretty sure he tried to kiss me. I know I didn’t kiss him back, and shocked he was being so forward (he’s very very shy and quiet). Another colleague bobbed round the corner and pulled me away and I was taken home!

Woken up this morning convinced I’ve been predatory and am going to be sacked for sexual harassment, and that I’ve taken advantage of him and shouldn’t have touched him. There would have been tons of people that saw me touching him. I just keep thinking if it was reversed genders and a man had been all over ME like that, he would have been (rightly) held to account there and then, whereas no one really seemed bothered by me doing it. We’re both similar age and don’t work together closely, our paths probably won’t cross for a while to be honest, which makes it more awkward,

Was I unreasonable? How can I applied for my behaviour?!

OP posts:
Mamoun · 17/12/2023 11:07

flowerchild2000 · 16/12/2023 19:33

You're not wrong but also men haven't been attacked by women 24/7 365 since the beginning of time like women have by men. There's a fair bit of history behind the issue. Men are the reason we've had to advocate so much for workplace safety, etc. I agree with everything you said but you're not on the same plane as a man who would do this. I think you should cringe over it and resolve not to drink so much next time. It does sound like a good time was had by all so don't feel bad.

I would agree with this.
You were out of line but it is not exactly the same as the other around because of these reasons.
Apologise and move on.

crumblingschools · 17/12/2023 11:20

If a woman groped another woman, where does that fit, worse than a woman groping a man but better than a man groping a woman? No-one should be groping anyone.

WorldCuppa · 17/12/2023 11:29

Lol of this m was the other way round everyone would be calling for you to get fired

5128gap · 17/12/2023 12:22

crumblingschools · 17/12/2023 11:20

If a woman groped another woman, where does that fit, worse than a woman groping a man but better than a man groping a woman? No-one should be groping anyone.

No one should be groping anyone AGAINST THEIR WILL. This is the point at issue and the grey area, given we don't have the first clue as to how the man felt about it. The sexes of those involved are irrelevant to all but those with an agenda trying to use this thread to claim victim status for men against 'predatory' women.
One poster had already stated that because the OP groped her colleague women cannot complain when they are groped by men. This is the agenda, to excuse male bad behaviour and try to stop women speaking about it by pretending its behaviour experienced equally by both sexes.
Non consensual groping is wrong whoever is doing it to whoever. No one on this thread had suggested otherwise.

MidnightMeltdown · 17/12/2023 12:55

I've had a male colleague try to kiss me when drunk before. He apologised profusely when we were back at work and it was fine. I didn't go running to HR. He'd have to be a massive dick to do that IMO.

He's not a child, and as the stronger sex, he could easily have stopped OP if he was uncomfortable. He may be 'shy' but he's still a fully grown man. If OP was his line manager, or otherwise in a position of power, then that would be a different story, but as I understand it, there was no power dynamic going on here.

Original poster
strawberrycream1233 · 17/12/2023 14:53

Thanks everyone. I’ve taken a lot of this on board!

I agree I need to apologise; but I don’t want to get his number from someone else as that may come across creepy / fuel the gossip. I’ve dropped him a work email asked if he could send me his mobile number for a quick chat, and added no bother if not. Not sure if he will respond; if he doesn’t I’ll go and see him face to face and apologise in person for being inappropriate, lacking boundaries and presumably making him very uncomfortable.

Not sure where this will head; any disciplinary action I will take on this chin of course, and any gossip just do my best to ignore. If it comes to nothing, I’ll consider myself very lucky and have definitely learnt from this. If I’m dismissed, then it’s my own fault and I’ll have learnt my lesson.

thanks for your insight!

OP posts:
Alohapotato · 17/12/2023 15:04

strawberrycream1233 · 17/12/2023 14:53

Thanks everyone. I’ve taken a lot of this on board!

I agree I need to apologise; but I don’t want to get his number from someone else as that may come across creepy / fuel the gossip. I’ve dropped him a work email asked if he could send me his mobile number for a quick chat, and added no bother if not. Not sure if he will respond; if he doesn’t I’ll go and see him face to face and apologise in person for being inappropriate, lacking boundaries and presumably making him very uncomfortable.

Not sure where this will head; any disciplinary action I will take on this chin of course, and any gossip just do my best to ignore. If it comes to nothing, I’ll consider myself very lucky and have definitely learnt from this. If I’m dismissed, then it’s my own fault and I’ll have learnt my lesson.

thanks for your insight!

why not to apologise by email? Asking someone for his phone number after sexual harrased him at Christmas party it's not the best move in my opinion...

Original poster
strawberrycream1233 · 17/12/2023 15:20

Probably not I agree, but I made it clear it was to apologise in the email!

I didn’t want to put it into writing on work channels as I might end up making things even worse getting into an email back and forth on company channels.

OP posts:
PricklePop · 17/12/2023 15:24

why not to apologise by email? Asking someone for his phone number after sexual harrased him at Christmas party it's not the best move in my opinion...

We don't know if he felt harassed fgs

QS90 · 17/12/2023 17:22

Sounds like you've made peace with the situation OP, glad you seem to be feeling a bit better. Tomorrow will be better than you think x

EmptyYoghurtPot · 17/12/2023 21:45

Thank you for the update. Hope all goes well with the apology and work tomorrow.

Simpleblessingsxx · 17/12/2023 22:51

Anyone who knew you were drunk and watched you behaving out of character and didn't reach out to help you and lead you back to your seat are as guilty as you for doing this. I wouldn't add to it by making it a huge deal. The guy was obviously up for taking it further and thankfully at this point someone did intervene.

EmmaEmerald · 17/12/2023 22:55

Simpleblessingsxx · 17/12/2023 22:51

Anyone who knew you were drunk and watched you behaving out of character and didn't reach out to help you and lead you back to your seat are as guilty as you for doing this. I wouldn't add to it by making it a huge deal. The guy was obviously up for taking it further and thankfully at this point someone did intervene.

So....what happened to personal responsibility?

who wants to babysit a drunk colleague?

then again, this whole thread is something else.

Simpleblessingsxx · 18/12/2023 10:49

EmmaEmerald · 17/12/2023 22:55

So....what happened to personal responsibility?

who wants to babysit a drunk colleague?

then again, this whole thread is something else.

Edited
Show quote history

In my world we look out for each other, especially in this day & age when drinks can be spiked.

Frasers · 18/12/2023 11:08

Simpleblessingsxx · 17/12/2023 22:51

Anyone who knew you were drunk and watched you behaving out of character and didn't reach out to help you and lead you back to your seat are as guilty as you for doing this. I wouldn't add to it by making it a huge deal. The guy was obviously up for taking it further and thankfully at this point someone did intervene.

Were you there? Because even the op doesn’t know if he was up for it or if he tried to kiss her or not. If you were not there, then why make up stuff?

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