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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

371 replies

plimm · 16/12/2023 12:02

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

OP posts:

Silverbirchtwo · 16/12/2023 12:06

As the police said if something did happen and you hadn't called them it would be awful. If you have only known her a year and she is only just confiding in you, you really don't know if he has been violent in the past.

bumtrumpet · 16/12/2023 12:06

Honestly, I'd be furious. Unpleasant as he is, you only have her word that he's committed an offence. Also, you've dragged her into getting the police involved, over Christmas. And he's a lawyer. She was already getting her ducks in a row before you forced her hand.

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 16/12/2023 12:07

Just leave it and do no more

And stop trying to blame the police for this!

bumtrumpet · 16/12/2023 12:07

Wait, she has children too. So potential SS involvement as well?

Alexavolumedown · 16/12/2023 12:08

Yes you’ve massively overstepped the mark here. And you know it. What do you want people to say? What’s done is done now, the police are right to say they can’t ignore the report, you can’t choose the time the police visit her because she has a busy schedule.

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 16/12/2023 12:08

You mentioned children. So of course the police will do a welfare check!

MagentaRocks · 16/12/2023 12:08

The police have a duty of care to deal with reports of domestic abuse. They absolutely can’t leave it. You don’t know that he isn’t violent. It’s better for her to be furious with you than to end up injured or worse because he has escalated.

DojaPhat · 16/12/2023 12:08

why the hell did I call the police for advice?!

This is the long and short of it.

thedementedelf · 16/12/2023 12:14

But you must have known that the police would do a check and potential ss involvement if children are also in the house.

She's either going to be relieved it's all on record or not but she's not left after 20 years of this treatment and may not want to.

SausageChopsBellyFlops · 16/12/2023 12:14

You've messed up big time.

She wasn't ready, you've forced her hand now, and she will likely defend him to the police and this will make it so much worse for her.

Your job here was to listen to what she wants, not force her into what you think is the right action. She already has one person controlling her, she doesn't need another.

You need to build up to leaving a situation like this, and be careful, and get things just right, with the right support. You've just swooped in and taken all of her choices (and potentially her safety) away from her.

I would go and have a look online at domestic violence charity websites, read their advice about safe ways to leave, and get educated before you do this to someone else.

Poor woman.

SD1978 · 16/12/2023 12:15

I would say the friendship will definitely be over. You've escalated her issues to the police, without her consent. If she want in a position to,leave, you've also,potentially increased her risk of further and continued domestic violence.

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 16/12/2023 12:15

Oh dear. You need to confess. Expect this to be the end of your friendship. You panicked.

Original poster

plimm · 16/12/2023 12:17

I can't believe I was such an idiot, what's wrong with me? Some friend. She's going to hate me.

OP posts:

WildFlowerBees · 16/12/2023 12:18

This would be the end of my friendship if you were my friend. It takes a lot for someone to confide in another about abusive situations and you have broken her trust. There was no need to get advice she is capable herself if she wanted to. Your job was to listen hear her and not judge. You need to tell her.

bumtrumpet · 16/12/2023 12:18

I think you need to give her a heads up asap. She's going to find out anyway but at least she can be prepared for speaking to them

MandyMotherOfBrian · 16/12/2023 12:19

It’s better for her to be furious with you than to end up injured or worse because he has escalated

Could not disagree with this more. Women in DA situations need a friend that is on their side but they also need to be able to work through their situation on their own terms and in their own time. They should never be pushed in to anything, no matter how well meaning. She's already being controlled by the DH, she doesn't need someone else trying to control the narrative for her too. She may have slowly come to this conclusion herself, and got police and ss involvement in her own time. Or she might not. Her choice. This will potentially blow her life up when she is not ready for it. Massive overstep. She will likely feel she doesn't have a friend to lean on anymore either if she feels her confidence has been betrayed. DA, in all its forms, means isolation from others, she didn't her friend to basically rule herself out of her life too. She may be ok with it, who knows, certainly not the OP, that's the point. And who's to say this won't be the catalyst that escalates the situation, police involvement might make him stop or it might make him explode. Woman need the option to extricate themselves slowly, and secretively, if necessary.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 16/12/2023 12:19

She wasn't leaving in the new year. She's been leaving for years or wanting to but never does. Long term forcing her hand is probably in hers and her children's best interests even if she does hate you for it.

Tinkerbyebye · 16/12/2023 12:21

personally I couldn’t live with myself if he did something to her and I could have stopped it

i don’t think you have been unreasonable. You have cared enough to get help, ok perhaps a DV helpline would have been better, but if she has been looking to leave and divorce for years this will simply force the issue for her

There are to many cases in the papers, and they will be the tip of the iceberg, of men who have beaten up or killed woman. It all starts somewhere

WowOK · 16/12/2023 12:22

I think you were trying to help. Unfortunately, instead you've taken away her control which I don't imagine she has very much of. Stop trying to help. Let her lead on how she wants to proceed further and support her in that. Don't do things for her or to her. You can do things WITH her if she wants you to.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 16/12/2023 12:22

Jesus Christ. You have well and truly overstepped the mark here.

I would be majorly pissed off with you bringing this to my door just before Xmas.

You may well have messed up her planned no fault divorce too.

You need to come clean asap so she can contact the police.

I can't believe you gave her name and address and didn't just end the call when they asked for it if you were only ringing them for 'advice'

easylikeasundaymorn · 16/12/2023 12:23

to be fair posts on here don't help, always advising to contact the police for any minor issue so they can 'log it'
the police aren't there to be some sort of general dispute database or advice line - they are a (very underfunded) emergency service!

People are very quick to criticise them when they don't appear to act quickly enough to calls, so of course they aren't going to just sit on something that could be dangerous.

If you wanted to try and keep the friendship you could call back and ask that they not divulge where the info came from, she still might think it's likely to be you but could be from neighbours etc.
But if you want to do what's right I'd let her know what you've done so she can call them herself - if she explains what you've said, that she's in no immediate danger and is planning to leave soon they might be able to downgrade it as a priority, or at least arrange the assessment for a time when her DH isn't there.
That would be less distressing than a random visit out of the blue.

bumtrumpet · 16/12/2023 12:23

The most dangerous time for someone leave DV is as they leave. You've potentially forced her to that point without her being prepared. You've made it more dangerous for her, not less.

SausageChopsBellyFlops · 16/12/2023 12:25

It's not going to force her to leave though.

The police will show up, he may well be there, she will not expect it, and her instinct will be to deny it all because she clearly isn't ready.

Then when she is ready, she will hesitate in contacting the police because she already denied it. Her husband will also throw that back in her face too.

Op hasn't helped anything, she has made a shit situation 100 times worse and put an already vulnerable woman in a worse position.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 16/12/2023 12:25

but if she has been looking to leave and divorce for years this will simply force the issue for her

There is no 'simply' about this situation.

OP has potentially removed any control over any decision making, her 'friend' had.

FlowerBarrow · 16/12/2023 12:26

Your mistake wasn’t necessarily in ringing them but in giving her details when the ask.
Are you maybe lacking in assertiveness or overly people pleasing?

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