Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

[plimm]

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

Many women do protect their children but many women do not (or cannot).

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea I'm sorry you went through that.

The problem with being in that situation with kids is that when you are with the guy he will take it out on you, if you leave without him being charged (which is a difficult thing to do considering the evidence you need) then he has unsupervised visitation with your kids and they are more at risk of being hurt just to hurt you.

It's all very well people saying you didn't protect them, but you did, the best way you could, under very shit circumstances, with no clear safe route for any of you.

I hope life is more peaceful for you all now 💐

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea how did you explain bruises, missing teeth etc to your DC?

The problem with being in that situation with kids is that when you are with the guy he will take it out on you, if you leave without him being charged (which is a difficult thing to do considering the evidence you need) then he has unsupervised visitation with your kids and they are more at risk of being hurt just to hurt you.

This.
Family courts can be, and often are, misogynistic to the Nth and, frankly, batshit. The enthusiastic you must report-ers and the police are trained in DV-ers seem blissfully unaware of these risks.

I did say unless something significant is disclosed. The law now allows victimless prosecution, however from what OP has said it's unlikely this is the case. The other side is no one says anything until said friend is seriously injured or murdered. There are many things to consider in DA situations tbf but it's just my opinion that it should be reported.

In my experience you can share your concerns with Police and ask them not to act. We have come a long way in terms of Police being trained to assess risk in DA situations. Of course there are circumstances where they will disregard what you want and can pursue a victimless prosecution but they also have a duty to safeguard the victim.

Can you give some examples?
Do you think this would be the case in OP's situation?

You may not want to hear it but they suffered abuse every second that you stayed with him. So so many parents claim their kids had no idea about the DV going on and are then shocked when actually the kids did know, even very young kids. I knew my dad was beating my mum up but I’ve never spoken to her about it and she thinks we were all oblivious. I’m very angry that she didn’t protect us more. Being subjected to someone else being abused falls into the category of child abuse and is very harmful.

So to get this correct, you should call the police/SS when it’s a neighbour or someone you don’t know so well because you have to protect the victim/the kids but you shouldn’t do it if it’s a friend because reasons and then calling the police is in fact the very worst thing you can do?

I'm bowing out of this thread. My DC 100% had no idea - only one friend picked up on things, and they were kind, supportive etc. But never stepped in because they knew it had to come from me. Thanks to those of you who've made me feel terrible & a failure. I really hope you feel happy about the choices I had to make in order to survive.

@crumblingschools It became a joke. 'Oh god, I'm such an idiot, I slipped on the path, I tripped over, the shower floor was slippery, that baguette was really crunchy, I forgot the cupboard was open & banged my head, I'm so clumsy.' They believed me, they had no reason not to. Because that was the only time I've lied to them, and they were young enough to accept what I said. They are both brilliant, wonderful, compassionate young adults now. I'm more proud of them than I can say.

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea what would you say to your DC if they end up in a similar relationship?

@crumblingschools Honestly? I don't know. I'd make sure I had copies of all of their paperwork, because that made things so much harder.
My mum had guessed that something was going on, but I denied it. She didn't push me to talk, or report it. She just gently supported me in other things, and built an incredible bond with my DC. It still makes me choke up every time I remember DD drawing a picture at school that said 'My family is my mum, my brother & my nana.'

that pretty much sums it up.

im guessing the other children of abuse are like me. Making sure we are always in a position to throw the men out or to walk out the door if the other parent steps out of line. Always with a financial exit plan and the fire of a 1000 suns at the ready. You can’t live through that childhood and risk putting your child through it.

Yeah, they knew/were affected. 100% they knew, even if they may have repressed it, like one of my sisters has, who has no memories at all from childhood. You can’t live in a household where one adult is beating the other to a pulp to the extent of teeth being knocked out and not be harmed. I am glad they are doing well now though but omg that is shocking and horrific and intervention should always happen even if the adult victim insists that the time is not right.

And I’m also a brilliant wonderful compassionate adult with a high level of education and on paper a great life. I’m still very affected by what happened to me and always will be. My mum has little idea about that as I don’t tell her about the anti depressants and counselling and negative thoughts.

This sounds harsh, but children know, they pick up on things, they hear shouting, screaming, crying...you might think you are protecting them/shielding them but they pick up on your fear, they can almost taste and smell the tension. The lies you tell of walking into a cupboard ect...they are farcical, the children know, but they are too scared to say anything.

The only real way to protect your children is to leave.

@Psychoticbreak I was coming on to say the same thing.. it's not Autism or ADHD it's overstepping boundaries and being an interfering pain in the arse!
My mum is one and it drives me up the wall. Always making shit worse because she was "trying to help" she also used to open my mail when I lived at home so completely and utterly boundary-less (if that's a word!)

I'm not diagnosed but strong chance I have AuDHD and there's no way I'd have acted like you have.
In fact I've helped 3 women leave domestic abusive relationships and not bloody once did I involve the police or anyone else for that matter! It was done with the victim being in full control and all I did was support them and be there when they needed me. Whether that was to help them move, provide a safe space for them and their child or to just listen.

And this is one of the hardest things to cope with when you are in the middle of DV.
Emotional abuse doesn't just happen overnight. It's not black and white.

Turn up at the women's shelter with your kids because there's been some shouting? They ask do you fear for your life - well no, I don't think he's going to punch me. Oh well, sorry you can't stay here.

Too embarrassed and ashamed to go to friends and family - you're the professional, independent, outgoing woman. "Maybe it'll blow over".

From family - "Oh things seems OK to me, you don't want to disrupt the children's lives."

It is not at all uncommon for people to believe that staying is better than leaving. Keeping on telling someone that they are impacting their kids by not leaving isn't helpful. Helpful would be to offer support and practical ways to help - proper ways. Not suggesting they "log with the police" or change the locks, but providing a room for them or somewhere they can make phone calls, minding the children so they can go to CA or a solicitor. Getting paperwork together.

@plimm are you going to let us know if you did the right thing and contacted her?

Don’t expect her to return to the thread anytime soon. I’m not sure who would return after being treated so appallingly.

You're right, the OP has taken a bashing.

That said, it this thread has helped educate people then some good would have come from it.
There is no 'just log with police'.
There are many other agencies which are better placed to advise.
There are many things a friend can do.
Be aware that it is common when the perpetrator feels threatened or exposed, things can escalate. Quickly.

There are plenty of people on this thread, including the abused, DV professionals and children of DV, whose opinion is that OP took the right action. At the end of the day there is no one right answer for everyone, and OP shouldn’t be collateral damage for a some people’s ‘right answer’.