Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

[plimm]

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

Makes ya wonder! Probably just a Church thing! I have moved from that area now - it was many years ago - and I go to a new Church now, though not often if I am being honest, (maybe once a month,) but I tell them NOTHING.

Why didn't you hang up when they asked for her details? Social work will be involved now 100 percent of children involved. I think your heart was in the right place, it wasn't done with malicious intent but unfortunately, yes, I think your friend will be livid. At the end of the day though, we are all humans and we all make mistakes and learn from them and continue on. Your intent was good so try and not be too harsh on yourself. I hope your friend understands.

This is exactly what I was going to post. I see so many threads on here from people who've heard possible domestic abuse from a neighboring house or flat and they are always advised to report to the police or social services. I don't recall anyone ever saying not to report because it will make things worse/force the woman to have to try to leave before she has planned to/other reason. I do understand the reasons people are giving why what the OP did wasn't a good idea, but don't understand why people who overhear abuse are advised to do exactly what the OP did? Surely the consequences are the same in both situations?

You seem to be centring your guilt rather than the impact that this will have on your friend here, don’t do that when you tell her.

Well done. This could be just the catalyst she needs to leave. I found the verbal and emotional abuse worse than the beatings a d would never have left if a friend hadn't intervened.q

Thank you, this is exactly what I mean. Being a victim of DV is absolutely horrendous - I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy, but there is a key difference between the OP’s friend and her children and that is that as children they cannot advocate for themselves. Their dad is clearly a POS and the mother needs to find the strength for the sake of her children to get herself and her kids away from this man. If you can’t do anything in life for the sake of your children then there’s no hope at all. The mother is the only one who can end this. There’s never a right time, what if it goes unreported and next time he snaps and either hurts one of the kids or the mother. What if he kills the mother, how is that in the best interest of the children? “But it wasn’t the right time for her to leave” people would echo, as they lay flowers on her grave whilst the term “tragedy” is splashed over every local newspaper. Yes, he’s a lawyer. But that doesn’t there’s multiple factions of law that you can be qualified in. Doesn’t mean he’s gonna be able to “wipe the floor” with SS. Look at the amount of institutionalised corruption within the Police itself that’s been exposed. There is an enormous push for transparency amongst our professionals held in the highest positions of authority in our country. So many people have died, of course SS and the police should be involved. This woman as much of a victim as she is has enabled this man for years to inflict damage on her children. When’s the right time for them? I’m glad you all can so easily pass on responsibility of knowing innocents lives are at risk just to have the self-satisfaction of not being able to be called a nosey twat. Some people need to give their head a good fucking shake. I say this as a person who is a fierce advocate of enforcing boundaries and a strong believer of minding my own fucking business in life.

I can't believe the number of posts saying 'do nothing'.

It's fucking awful.

If the OP suspects abuse, then the appropriate time to do something is immediately. Not to wait cos it 'might ruin Christmas'.

Yeah on reflection OP, I think I have changed my mind and if I were you I wouldn’t call the friend about it. She will need all the support she can get in the future and throwing your friendship away won’t help her in that regard. The police probably won’t tell her who reported it and she’s probably told more than one person about it over the years. Her husband is a twat and her kids deserve better. Just say nothing. As others have said, there’s no way anyone would keep quiet about child abuse so as not to cause hassle for the child with their parents. Let’s show as much care and concern for adult victims who are trapped in controlling relationships.

But why the difference? The consequences for the woman involved in the witnessed situation are the same surely as for the friend who has confided about the situation?

A new friend has vented to you about her shit of a husband she’s been with for 20yrs and you’ve rang the police. I can’t actually believe someone would do this! Do you love drama?!

You need to warn her. If you’ve told them she’s at risk of DV they’ll do a welfare check and want to speak to her and the husband individually plus take the children’s details for a SS check. Merry Christmas!

I only read half way through . Oh dear

I think you should call women’s aid and ask for immediate advice maybe they can speak to the police and make them realise that going there is going to cause your friend a lot of trouble .

This could be a Xmas from hell for her and the kids . She needs to exit her plan and leave so he he doesn’t threaten to keep her in that situation through threat of keeping the kids
You really need to tell your friend what you have done so she calls the police before they turn up at her home .

This is why you should mind your own business instead of minding everyone else's.

@plimm

try to keep calm and don’t get too upset yourself.

What happened on the phone -

Our DV reporting system is imperfect. As you’ve discovered, if you answer yes to certain questions, a report gets passed along. This means that it’s difficult as hell for concerned third parties (or even abused spouses themselves) to have abusive behaviour logged without it escalating into a visit to take statements, which can sometimes create difficulties for someone in a precarious position.

Remember (for your own sake going forward) that you acted to protect her. Self-chastising is natural but isn’t going to help your friend.

His abuse may yet escalate, and regardless of her initial reaction, before this is all over she may have reason to be glad someone else stepped in. That’s why the police can’t and won’t keep a watching brief. It’s too big a risk for them to have a situation where they knew something but did nothing - and that’s a lot of responsibility for any one person to take on-board too. I have seen this situation a lot. People in DV situations are torn in all directions. So don’t be too hard on yourself.

Abused people are usually reluctant to speak up to anyone and for a lot of them, going to the police is unthinkable for numerous
reasons (I speak from both personal and professional experience). If either of you had spoken to a DA helpline they would have suggested she report. I would have suggested she report. If no-one knows, nothing happened.

What to do -

You do need to tell her as soon as she’s not in his company and can have time to think calmly. Try not to make it a conversation about your feelings of remorse. My advice is she should speak to the police about her reasons for not reporting. There should be police officers trained in dealing with DV to speak to her and they will understand the risks and help her with further support services.

Yes, if they proceed, SS may become involved in some capacity as there are children but again, don’t panic that someone will come swooping in and take them away. The very most that will happen is that their dad will be bailed to another address while they’re spoken to (depending on whether they’re old enough). It’s not nice to be asked these questions, but neither is it nice to be a child in a house where your mum is living in fear of your dad.

Sometimes being spoken to by the police may
be enough to make an abuser retreat. From what you’ve said, that may not happen. Perhaps he’ll use it as a further stick to beat her with, or say the allegations are false, or counter-allege but remember, the police see this scenario all the time. Rare is the abuser who throws up their hands and says you’ve got me, it’s all true.

And the fact he’s a lawyer? We don’t have super-powers and the police and SS won’t be worried about that. Additionally his career actually means he’s on thinner than usual ice regarding his conduct. A criminal conviction would be seriously damaging, and he’ll know that.

Her situation is difficult but your friend isn’t as powerless as she may feel and I hope that she will take this chance to find professional support.

Some of the posts on this thread are shocking.

that man is abusing his wife and children who are now thanks to domestic abuse legislation victims of DA in their own right as they are living under the same roof as this tyrant. this incident will likely be the tip of an awful iceberg.

As for the OP “confessing” her “sins” then it’s possible concerned neighbours may have called the police too.

Sadly the police are often absolutely fucking useless in these situations

@Whiskeypowers

What would you like the police to do in this situation?

Your friend was me a few years ago.. I would not consider you a friend any longer after this. You say it isn’t physical abuse at the moment, after this it may well be! I would have had the shit beaten out of me for even THINKING about talking to someone about that sort of stuff. Let alone doing it and a police report being made. You’ve put her in danger and you need to tell her today.

@plimm have you contacted her as yet? Just do it before the police come to the door, that would not be fair on her or the kids. She needs to know asap whats happened.

You’ve put her in danger and you need to tell her today

No she hasn't. The friend has been living in danger every day for 20 years before telling OP.

Is she with him this weekend or is she away with the kids?

She may hate you but maybe this will force a change in her life. It's toxic for those poor children.

Exactly.

Can't believe how many women here support keeping those kids in this vile marriage. It's about time someone did something.

I don't think you did anything wrong. There are children involved in this - we need to stop keeping men's secrets. Social services should be involved!

Your friend has a responsibility to keep her children safe from harm; if she can't do that then services need to take over that responsibility.

You've painted a picture of a very middle-class couple which I think has affected the responses. No way would anyone say 'keep quiet' if she was a single mum on a sink estate - people would be reminding you of your duty to protect the children. Shame that concern doesn't extend to MC kids!

If my friends told me something like this 100% I would report it - id rather that than have to attend an inquest and say I did fuck all.

Lol at all the comments it was good to call police...woah you only heard the wife's side so hmmmm and barely actually know the family for long and clearly they've been married a long time so she knows what's what and is doing something about it. Also you have now got the ss involved automatically because there are children to now be assessed. Oh and btw they will call fairly quickly at her address till they get her in so I wouldn't be saying nothing to her you need to tell her immediately so she doesn't get a shock when they turn up. You would be ditched as a friend your no friend your meddling in things and started a ball rolling that this lady does not need!! Oh and btw I've been on the end of this so know exactly how it works except it was a person who made false allegations but still police and ss had to do checks for weeks it was horrendous.

I strongly disagree with the posts stridently/nastily chastising the OP. She acted out of the best motives, was not sure what to do for the best, and was in a distressed state. She was unexpectedly put in a very difficult situation and was scared for someone's safety. She took action in the heat of that moment. Straight after taking the action she did., she did not sit back and smugly think "oh, I've definitely done the right thing". She came onto MN to try and discuss the matter, knowing that her choice of action was not straightforward and that either way, ringing police or not ringing police, could have good or bad consequences.

I cannot see that there is an overwhelmingly "right" answer to the question of what she should have done. People saying that the situation should have been left as it was until the friend herself took action ignore the fact that after twenty years with this man her agency may be seriously diminished. But people saying that there could be increased danger may well also be right. I actually don't know what I myself would have done under the circumstances.

These posts are vile, and blaming the OP for someone else’s abuse is as vile.

This man is the issue. He’s the abuser and OP appears to be trying to help out of concern because there are children involved.

If the wife wants to keep exposing her kids to an abuser then she needs a visit from the police.