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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

371 replies

plimm · 16/12/2023 12:02

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

OP posts:
Flamingbow · 17/12/2023 05:49

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 16/12/2023 21:57

Jesus fucking christ. I'm missing teeth because of my ExP beating the shit out of me if my keys were hanging on a different hook - evidence I'd 'been up to something'
Just stop & think what he'd have done to me if the Police had turned up unexpectedly, even if I'd told them that nothing had happened.
I did eventually call the Police, when he beat me to a pulp & threatened to kill our children. I didn't give a statement, I said I didn't want it to go any further than just removing him until he sobered up. CPS decided to prosecute anyway - ExP stopped paying the rent, didn't pay maintenance, so DC & I were penniless, about to be made homeless.
You may have had the right intentions, but you have no idea how her partner is going to react - and it wasn't your decision to make. She knows him better than you do.

Its a shame no one did intervene sooner to protect your children.

webster1987 · 17/12/2023 07:31

I think it's completely unfair to be continually criticising your decision. It's done now and something you are clearly very worried about. I think people are forgetting that the police are not going to barge in and confront the abuser, they are more than aware of the risks and will aim to deal with it with this in mind. I would ask to meet up with your friend or have a private phone call and explain exactly what has happened and why. Yes it might ruin a relationship but it may also help her take the first step to getting help. The police won't be able to pursue this if she doesn't want to press charges, but they will be able to advise her of support.

You did something out of care OP, don't forget that.

AnneValentine · 17/12/2023 08:14

confusedaboutclothes · 16/12/2023 21:43

So who’s right is it? To report abuse? Or do we just wait for another woman to die because we all had to mind our own business?

Show quote history

She wasn’t at risk of death.

Lex345 · 17/12/2023 08:23

AnneValentine · 17/12/2023 08:14

She wasn’t at risk of death.

Show quote history

The OP has no way of knowing this, and we certainly don't. You could be right-but on the other hand, as is often the case, the full extent of abuse is not shared in the first disclosure.

confusedaboutclothes · 17/12/2023 08:59

AnneValentine · 17/12/2023 08:14

She wasn’t at risk of death.

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and you’ve been in situations like that before have you? a man who is capable of controlling someone’s movements and preventing them leaving a room is capable of anything. I’m assuming you’ve never been in a relationship like this, or you would know you are always at risk!

AnneValentine · 17/12/2023 09:42

Lex345 · 17/12/2023 08:23

The OP has no way of knowing this, and we certainly don't. You could be right-but on the other hand, as is often the case, the full extent of abuse is not shared in the first disclosure.

Show quote history

Based on the post and the engagement with the friend there is no immediate risk to life. What there is now is an absolute nightmare. The police are notorious for screwing things like this up. ALWAYS ring women’s aid or similar. Not the police. Unless immediate risk to life and then it’s a 999 job.

AnneValentine · 17/12/2023 09:42

confusedaboutclothes · 17/12/2023 08:59

and you’ve been in situations like that before have you? a man who is capable of controlling someone’s movements and preventing them leaving a room is capable of anything. I’m assuming you’ve never been in a relationship like this, or you would know you are always at risk!

Show quote history

Yes. I have. Absolutely. And what’s been done here would have been the WORST thing.

confusedaboutclothes · 17/12/2023 10:06

AnneValentine · 17/12/2023 09:42

Yes. I have. Absolutely. And what’s been done here would have been the WORST thing.

Show quote history

So have I, and what has been done saved my life, so I guess every situation is different

Didimum · 17/12/2023 10:07

Hi OP, I hope you’re feeling OK. You’ve no doubt retreated from this thread because you’re being slammed left, right and centre, but I hope you can see the balance of opinion and realise you’re not a terrible person. Many people would have done the same thing and abused women would have appreciated your action. You acted with your heart, and I wish you and your friend the best outcomes. Don’t forget: the blame, all the blame, will always squarely land on the abuser themselves.

crumblingschools · 17/12/2023 10:08

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea I am very sorry for what you have been through, but of course the police were going to charge someone who had beaten someone to a pulp. How could they not?

Also your children lived in an abusive home, something should have been done much sooner.

Interesting, posters who have been in abusive relationships saying OP shouldn’t have done anything, posters who as children lived in abusive homes wish people had reported their situation

Lex345 · 17/12/2023 10:15

AnneValentine · 17/12/2023 09:42

Based on the post and the engagement with the friend there is no immediate risk to life. What there is now is an absolute nightmare. The police are notorious for screwing things like this up. ALWAYS ring women’s aid or similar. Not the police. Unless immediate risk to life and then it’s a 999 job.

Show quote history

I don't think we can make that assessment. Nor should we. This is exactly why the police are trained in DV.

There are too many variables here to be sure the OP's friend is safe, a lot we don't know and a lot the OP doesn't know either.

We shouldn't be making that assessment-the police themselves were not happy to make that assessment based on the information OP provided.

Whether the police are effective at managing DV situations is a different conversation and shouldn't deter people from reporting things.

CharlotteBog · 17/12/2023 10:41

Nextweektoo · 16/12/2023 22:15

You have done the right thing and if she does not disclose anything significant that would warrant Police pursuing a criminal allegation, she can request the log the information only.

There is no such thing a "just logging with the police."

I'm almost thinking this "advice" should be flagged by MNHQ. As we've seen, OP thought she could so this (or just ask for advice).

People (usually women and children) are possibly being put at additional risk because of others wading in with their logging and "best intentions".

IncessantNameChanger · 17/12/2023 10:49

CharlotteBog · 17/12/2023 10:41

There is no such thing a "just logging with the police."

I'm almost thinking this "advice" should be flagged by MNHQ. As we've seen, OP thought she could so this (or just ask for advice).

People (usually women and children) are possibly being put at additional risk because of others wading in with their logging and "best intentions".

Show quote history

Genuine question. So you you can't go to the police to report a report a crime but then not decide to press charges? Is that true?

crumblingschools · 17/12/2023 10:54

@CharlotteBog so what should happen if we know abuse is happening in another household, just ignore it. One poster would appear to have accepted being beaten to a pulp by her partner and just wanted him removed until he sobered up. There were children in the house. If I had been a neighbour to her, too right I would have been reporting to the police. Those children needed someone to advocate for them, even if that poster had been so ground down by her partner she didn’t realise.

CharlotteBog · 17/12/2023 10:57

IncessantNameChanger · 17/12/2023 10:49

Genuine question. So you you can't go to the police to report a report a crime but then not decide to press charges? Is that true?

Show quote history

I am talking in the context of 'logging' potential DV.
And I'm not talking about pressing charges, but the police response to receiving a phone call regarding DV.

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2023 10:59

Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just confused how this happened when I rang for advice trying to help her.

Because you rang the POLICE, a service you ring predominantly to report crime.

If it was advice you were after, ring a domestic abuse service.

Have you told her yet?

crumblingschools · 17/12/2023 11:00

@IncessantNameChanger if the police are aware a crime has been committed then they will press charges, as long as feel there is sufficient evidence. Can be difficult if the victim doesn’t then want to give evidence, but in the example posted earlier where someone was beaten to a pulp by her partner, do you think it would be right if he didn’t get arrested and charged?

CharlotteBog · 17/12/2023 11:01

crumblingschools · 17/12/2023 10:54

@CharlotteBog so what should happen if we know abuse is happening in another household, just ignore it. One poster would appear to have accepted being beaten to a pulp by her partner and just wanted him removed until he sobered up. There were children in the house. If I had been a neighbour to her, too right I would have been reporting to the police. Those children needed someone to advocate for them, even if that poster had been so ground down by her partner she didn’t realise.

Of course not. But if people are going to try and help they need to be informed about what they are doing.
OP thought she could just ask police for advice. Many people think you can log concerns with police (again I am talking in the context of DV, I don't know about other things).

I found out myself that there is no such thing as 'logging with the police' until 2 officers turned up at my door. I have a very physical reaction when I remember the acute fear I felt.

People need to make informed decisions.

IncessantNameChanger · 17/12/2023 11:02

CharlotteBog · 17/12/2023 10:57

I am talking in the context of 'logging' potential DV.
And I'm not talking about pressing charges, but the police response to receiving a phone call regarding DV.

Show quote history

So only in the context of DV? I'm wondering what the police would have done in the context of phoning up about my friends SA. I didn't leave any details and ended the call without being pressed to do so. I wouldn't have called if I'd known I'd be forced to report the crime myself. Considering the low number of sussesful charges

overwhelmed2023 · 17/12/2023 11:41

I find it bizarre that someone would call the Police not realising this is then an official recorded call with all details taken for the record.
I mean I'm panicking when I have to call 101 if there is a sheep/cow on the road!! If it's already reported in I don't go through it again just say goodbye. It's an official and recorded contact. They are not admin receptionists they are the actual POLICE!

IncessantNameChanger · 17/12/2023 11:50

overwhelmed2023 · 17/12/2023 11:41

I find it bizarre that someone would call the Police not realising this is then an official recorded call with all details taken for the record.
I mean I'm panicking when I have to call 101 if there is a sheep/cow on the road!! If it's already reported in I don't go through it again just say goodbye. It's an official and recorded contact. They are not admin receptionists they are the actual POLICE!

I know there's a official record of the call. But what is the action if you phone to ask but don't take it further. Someone has said there's no such thing as just logging with the police. So in my case I rang to ask if there was a female at the station. I don't belive anything would have happened. They could trace my call. They couldn't know who I was talking about. They couldn't force her to press charges over my call. There's was no crime in progress. Nothing to race out too

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 17/12/2023 11:53

People telling me that I didn't protect my children - you have absolutely no idea what I went through. So just fuck off. Everything, every day, every action I took was to protect my children. Because I was in so much fear of things escalating.
Have you ever been in a situation where you have to say 'hit me, it's my fault, don't let them see?' Have you ever rugby tackled a 6ft man to the ground to stop him getting up to where your children are sleeping? No, probably not. So just fuck off.
I didn't tell anyone because I knew no one would believe me. ExP was 'such a nice man' and I was 'an emotional mess'. I couldn't even go to the shop without him texting me constantly. I lived in absolute fear for years.
I have never told my DC what their dad did to me. I am still protecting them - because they want to think back on their childhood as a happy time. So just fuck off with your judgement of me.

overwhelmed2023 · 17/12/2023 11:57

Incessant
Sorry are you OP?
Yes I think if you don't give details or call from a mobile there wouldn't be a trace. If it was a serious crime etc think they have ways of tracing calls but not normally

Flamingbow · 17/12/2023 12:03

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 17/12/2023 11:53

People telling me that I didn't protect my children - you have absolutely no idea what I went through. So just fuck off. Everything, every day, every action I took was to protect my children. Because I was in so much fear of things escalating.
Have you ever been in a situation where you have to say 'hit me, it's my fault, don't let them see?' Have you ever rugby tackled a 6ft man to the ground to stop him getting up to where your children are sleeping? No, probably not. So just fuck off.
I didn't tell anyone because I knew no one would believe me. ExP was 'such a nice man' and I was 'an emotional mess'. I couldn't even go to the shop without him texting me constantly. I lived in absolute fear for years.
I have never told my DC what their dad did to me. I am still protecting them - because they want to think back on their childhood as a happy time. So just fuck off with your judgement of me.

I mean the truth is they were still at risk everytime they were in the house or with him. If a 6ft violent man wanted to he could have harmed them at any time without you stopping him. There's no way they didn't know either, I grew up in a violent household my mum was convinced I'd never know, we all did and as adults we are all horrified we were left in that situation as defenceless children. Both can be true- that you were a victim of abuse and did all you could given the circumstances and that intervention to protect the children would have been good.

Teder · 17/12/2023 12:04

Wow, I hope those “none of your business to contact the police” posters aren’t the same ones weeping and wailing, ‘ Lighting candles and hugging my babies closer together’ on the threads when children have been murdered.
If you know a child is in an abusive situation and you walk away assuming the mother will address it when she’s ready, you are sadly mistaken.