Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

[plimm]

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

You need to tell her straight away so that she can make contact with the police immediately and sort things out safely. Otherwise there’s every chance they might turn up on the doorstep.

I had extensive contact with the police due to a domestic abuse situation and they wouldn’t necessarily turn up or call when they said: They might turn up at unexpected times to do a welfare check if they have an officer available in the area.

Please do the right thing and tell her what you did. She may be angry, you may lose her friendship, but it’s the best chance you have of keeping her safe.

The amount of people who have made threads on this site wondering if they should call SS on parents because they hear shouting/abuse in the home - the majority of people write that yes they should! And now OP has heard verbal abuse taking place in her friends home and everyone's saying she over stepped the mark. But there are kids in the home? Who are potentially listening to their mum being held in a room and berated for an hour, so how is this different to over hearing a neighbour shouting and swearing in a home with kids?

Op I can see your heart was in the right place. Your friend is being abused and you called the police. Its a hard position to be in when you love your friend and are listening to her say she was locked against her will in a room. Doesn't matter if she isn't being knocked about and sitting with black eyes. You done what you thought was safe.

There is nothing you can do or say in mitigation. All you can do is ring her, tell her what you have done and grovel like you've never grovelled before. Accept that the friendship is over and she will never confide in, or trust you (and probably anyone else), again. You thought you were doing the "right" thing but you haven't, you know that so all you can do is own your mistake and hope that 1 day she gets free....I wouldn't hold my breath though if I were you.

Calling SS is different as they're focused on the children. The police are focused on her DH and anyone with any knowledge of DV will tell you that's when she's at greatest risk

The only person the police would listen to now, is the friend herself, if she said she did not want to pursue this. And even then, maybe not, depending on how they assessed her situation and any danger they judged her to be in.

But the police will decide if the children are at any risk and then they will or won't involve SS. If they aren't at any harm then there should be nothing to worry about in that regard. If the man is abusive and causing any trauma to the kids then it's in the children's best interest that the police deal with things.

It is 100% a pile on, and 90% of the replies do not give her any forward advice, which she originally asked for. OP has made it abundantly clear, multiple times that SHE KNOWS.

You can ‘what a pity’ all you like, but unless you have a time machine, replies like that are useless. Help OP and she will then have some advice to damage control with the friend, which is what the focus should be here.

I wouldn’t have known the first thing about what the police will and won’t do, to be honest. So we can’t assume it of OP.

OP you can’t take it back now so the best thing you can do is be totally honest with her and apologise profusely. You were afraid for your friend’s safety.

Agree this thread really has read like an angry pile on to make OP feel worse

They will involve SS as the kids are there. In the meantime as potentially abusive man has it sprung on him that his wife's friend has reported him to the police. Something that his wife perhaps hadnt been planning to do until she had a better support network in place. Everyone in that family is at more risk not less because of the OPs actions

The only help is to tell her what she's done. The OP doesn't seem to have done that yet. She needs to tell her friend immediately

That isn't what happened. Read it again.
The OP didn't hear anything. The friend confided in OP that her husband had done this earlier. OP decided to call the police about what she had been told.
Witness an active, violent, abusive situation? Yes, call the police.
Been given the confidence of a friend on their situation? No, help and support them and let them know you are there for them if and when they decide they need your help and assistance.

Let's remember the man who locked his wife in a room for over an hour is the one at fault, not the OP. The police deemed it a safeguarding issue/offence. So the abusive husband is the offender not the OP.

She does need to get in touch with her friend though and let her know so she can make herself as safe as possible

Yep – this is mitigation, so not really sure what your point is.

What if the police get in touch with her/her husband before Monday?

You need to tell her today. Now.

The responses in the thread are unhelpful. It is not unusual for anonymous complaints to be made to the police about DV or child abuse. There are also children involved with makes safeguarding. If anything happen in the future - they will have information on file.

So if someone tells you they are being abused you can't report it as you didn't witness the abuse?

I don't know- if she's in danger you've done the right thing.

Honestly, I think you’ve probably put her at risk and definitely ruined your friendship. She is going to have to deal with the police, social services and her husband.
Unless she actually asked you to ring them or she was in immediate danger, you’ve crossed a line.

She asked how much she had fucked up. She's been told.
She also asked what to do. She's been told that too, many times. Call the friend immediately.
So both her questions have been answered.
If she, or you, thought an 'oh dear, nevermind', response was more in order then, sorry, but those of us who have experienced DV are probably too horrified right now on behalf of the friend to be nice about it.

You made a mistake. However there is no way this marriage wasn't going to end in a messy, awful way. Men like her cunt of a husband do not do amicable break ups. If she has children tbh I would have reported as well because they are growing up around abuse and their mother is not able to protect them.

Don’t say anything. If he was shouting it could’ve been a neighbour or somebody passing by who reported. Happened to me once, police turned up because a passerby had heard my XH shouting and threatening me. Just keep quiet about it being you, you’ve done her a favour.

Read the responses from everyone here with experience of dv situations and have a think....I can't be bothered to engage further tbh.

The one thing I would say op is that in my own experience the police are very experienced in dealing with DA situations and will generally not do anything to make the situation more unsafe. They have specialist DA teams etc. I think there is likely to be a SS referral. This looks like it’s done now - and it definitely shouldn’t have been handled this way, as you yourself acknowledge. But friend and her family will likely now be “in the system” and police aware in case situation escalates plus she will hopefully get signposted to women’s aid and there’s a special legal advice line for DA victims called Rights Of Women. So much better though if she’d had control over this process, as you now know.