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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

371 replies

plimm · 16/12/2023 12:02

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/12/2023 12:31

So the police turn up this afternoon - one surprised then angry husband
husband realises wife has told someone or wife phoned police herself

one very surprised wife
who is then questioned by police
wife knows it wasn't her !
so knows it was you
and you haven't even warned her !!!

monday is too late !!!

husband is furious

you have probably made the whole situation worse !

husband is alerted to the fact the wife has problems / issues in the marriage
wife now has no time to carry out any plans she might have been making

you don't need to bother telling her on Monday

and now she cannot confide in anyone

as she gets betrayed !

all you can do is hope wife is very quick thinking !
and says she was a bit upset re the incident this morning
and that you her very new friend have totally over reacted

best case - he is furious at you

worst - well, in 20 years he has never physically assaulted her ( so she says )

  • now he does !!!
she is assaulted, and leaves in a hurry or an ambulance or is thrown out, he keeps the children etc. he closes joint bank accounts .
Justmuddlingalong · 16/12/2023 12:31

Christ on a bike!
What a can of worms you've opened.
You've totally betrayed her confidence and put her in an awful situation.
You need to tell her what you've done so she's not blindsided by the police knocking on her door.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 16/12/2023 12:32

Is there any chance the police will say it’s a tip off from an anonymous call? I can’t imagine they will go barging in saying @plimm has called us etc. Perhaps if he thinks the neighbours have overheard he may back off and it will give her the impetus to leave? Sorry people are piling on OP, I know your intentions were good.

newtlover · 16/12/2023 12:34

the thing is the police themselves know the possible dangers here
she has almost certainly downplayed what he has done and as they said, a crime has already been committed
I think its best if OP contacts the friend asap so SHE can be in control of the contact with the police- she can call them and say, 'i know you know about this, I can't talk safely today, can I call you at (gives time) when i know he will be out.'
she probably won't be happy with OP and it may not have been the best course of action, but its done now and OP needs to mitigate any risk now

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 16/12/2023 12:34

You made this about you and not her.

Poor woman. You also disrespected ger boundaries.

People who inform themselves about domestic abuse. It's a fine line between bring there for someone and controlling their decisions. The risk is judges when someone's leaving and it needs to be in the best way possible.

Didimum · 16/12/2023 12:36

I don’t see the point of this pile on. The OP is aware of the difficulties she’s set in motion, but she’s also asked for advice in how to mitigate.

Testina · 16/12/2023 12:36

The only thing she has to do is call the police herself, tell them that you have completely overstepped, and that because she is planning her exit it could be harmful to her if they have any contact with her husband over this.

For her to have that control for her own safety you need to tell her what you’ve done. NOW

SylvieLaufeydottir · 16/12/2023 12:37

personally I couldn’t live with myself if he did something to her and I could have stopped it

You can't do anything whatsoever to stop it. The only people who can act to stop it are him, by not doing it, or her, by choosing to physically get away from him and possibly by accessing the support of services set up to help her.

OP, you took the control away from her. You did the same thing to her as he did, albeit on a smaller scale. As frustrating as it is to listen to someone in a bad situation who doesn't seem willing or able to act to change it, the answer is never to take their control away by acting for them. They need to be the ones in control of their own lives, and if you actually want to help, that is the message you need to give her. Although I strongly suspect that your friendship is over in any case.

Original poster
plimm · 16/12/2023 12:37

I'm devastated I did this.

I guess I can't really call the police back and do anything about it now like say I made a mistake?
I don't think they're going round there, they will try to contact her on the phone to go through the risk assessment with her. They were also mentioning going into the police station to talk to them outside of the home.

She's going to hate me, and be full of disbelief, friendship over.

I seem to always make the wrong decisions. My son has autism, maybe I have it too?
Or maybe I am just overly people-pleasing, like you say FlowerBarrow.

OP posts:
LauderSyme · 16/12/2023 12:38

Fuck me what have you done?! I know you thought you were acting in her best interests, but if he is an abusive narcissist anything like the ones I have unfortunately experienced, you have just opened up a world of pain for her.

Testina · 16/12/2023 12:38

“hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man”

@plimm you really should educate yourself.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/12/2023 12:41

It's done now.
You have to give her as much notice as possible about the police involvement, even if she's already stressed.
Phone her now and give her the facts, don't leave her oblivious to the bombshell that's coming her way.

MandyMotherOfBrian · 16/12/2023 12:41

Didimum · 16/12/2023 12:36

I don’t see the point of this pile on. The OP is aware of the difficulties she’s set in motion, but she’s also asked for advice in how to mitigate.

It isn't a pile on, she also asked how unreasonable she had been. And she has been told, most likely by a fair amount of people with first hand knowledge of DA situations. It's just a pity she didn't come here for advice before she called the police rather than after she realised she may have royally fucked up.

SausageChopsBellyFlops · 16/12/2023 12:41

Your friendship is very likely to be over.

You made her situation about you and your feelings.

The best thing you can do is to tell her exactly what you've said and done so she has a chance to try and sort things without her husband getting the heads up, and then stay out of the whole thing from now on.

luckbealadytonight · 16/12/2023 12:41

@plimm

As long as you've given the police your friend's personal phone number and it's only a phone call, not a home visit, then I imagine the only loss will be your friendship.

user1471447924 · 16/12/2023 12:42

Oh you’ve made this so much worse.

Testina · 16/12/2023 12:42

“I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday.”

This is just weird that you’re telling them what she’s going to do when you haven’t even told her you called them!

Have you told her yet?

luckbealadytonight · 16/12/2023 12:42

luckbealadytonight · 16/12/2023 12:41

@plimm

As long as you've given the police your friend's personal phone number and it's only a phone call, not a home visit, then I imagine the only loss will be your friendship.

Which frankly should be the least of your worries.

bumtrumpet · 16/12/2023 12:43

Didimum · 16/12/2023 12:36

I don’t see the point of this pile on. The OP is aware of the difficulties she’s set in motion, but she’s also asked for advice in how to mitigate.

There's no mitigation possible. The OP isn't in control of the situation that's about to unfold. She does need to get in touch with her friend though and let her know so she can make herself as safe as possible

LauderSyme · 16/12/2023 12:43

Call the police again and tell them that you've had time to reflect and think that them investigating this crime in the usual way would be a massive safeguarding issue for your friend. Insist that they need to make her welfare their top priority in deciding how to proceed now.

Needsomesupport84 · 16/12/2023 12:44

You should have hung up the phone when they asked for her details. It’s likely to create quite a bit of hassle for her now as they will probably need to speak to her husband too if they are so convinced that a crime has been committed. Yikes. I know you meant well but there’s so so much info online and on mumsnet where you can ask anonymously about a situation. Really really no need to call police.

bumtrumpet · 16/12/2023 12:44

Have you rang her yet OP

Flowerpower2022 · 16/12/2023 12:44

I can see you acted with the best intentions and as pp have said, in domestic abuse cases the key is empowering the victim to make their own choices not to act on their behalf and remove choices. It is very hard to hear about abuse happening and not take action, but unless they are in immediate and extreme physical danger, you leave the taking action part to them. I think you should call the police back and say you are concerned that you may have made things worse and can you retract your report? If not I think you have no choice but to tell friend as soon as possible and to explain what happened. And signpost her to women’s aid if she is still talking to you.

Needsomesupport84 · 16/12/2023 12:45

LauderSyme · 16/12/2023 12:43

Call the police again and tell them that you've had time to reflect and think that them investigating this crime in the usual way would be a massive safeguarding issue for your friend. Insist that they need to make her welfare their top priority in deciding how to proceed now.

To be fair, that could make it worse though. They might think she’s in immediate danger and storm in to arrest him.

MandyMotherOfBrian · 16/12/2023 12:45

plimm · 16/12/2023 12:37

I'm devastated I did this.

I guess I can't really call the police back and do anything about it now like say I made a mistake?
I don't think they're going round there, they will try to contact her on the phone to go through the risk assessment with her. They were also mentioning going into the police station to talk to them outside of the home.

She's going to hate me, and be full of disbelief, friendship over.

I seem to always make the wrong decisions. My son has autism, maybe I have it too?
Or maybe I am just overly people-pleasing, like you say FlowerBarrow.

If they can't get hold of her on the phone - and plenty of people don't answer unknown numbers - they may well visit her at home, if they're sufficiently concerned for her safety. The only way round that is for you to tell her immediately what you have done so she can deal with it. You have been told this many times now. You should probably start that process now.