Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

[plimm]

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

You have massively betrayed her trust and potentially put her and her children in danger.

Jesus wept.

If you brought this shit to my door after I confided in you. I'd be beyond furious.

You need to come clean and QUICKLY. so she can do as much damage limitation as possible. In future, be a better friend.

What's done is done, you did what you thought was right at the time. You need to tell her this weekend, can you invite her over, you just tell her the truth and could suggest the police see her at your house together if she agrees to that. You should have got her consent first but you didn't so she will have to speak to the police, social services, possibly school. I would rather have an ex angry friend than a dead friend. I hope your friend will be OK and safe and gets out of this marriage soon.

You thought you were helping, sometimes people get it wrong.

You don't need to fix other peoples problems, sometimes people just need an ear. The best thing to do in future is to do nothing unless asked or somebody is truly in immediate danger.

She May forgive you OP but you're going to need to acknowledge to her that you are aware you overstepped and it wasn't for you to do anything. Hopefully she will be reassured this won't happen again future.

I think it's up to her friend on what she wants to do next and whether she wants the op involved. All the op can do is be honest with why she done it and not hide and talk bullshit to her. She done it because she was worried for her friend whether her friend sees it like that is another story. There is not much she can do apart from be honest and tell her not today maybe tomorrow because anyday now they will either call or turn up at the door. If op decides to tell her after the police have called it turned up she will know it was the op who told them. My advice would be to tell her as soon as possible and be honest because the op can not control what response she will receive from her friend.

Why confused? It happened because you freely gave all the details when asked rather than refusing to.

Have you called your friend yet? If not, why not? I think you’re putting it off because you’re afraid of the consequences for yourself. It’s not going to get easier if you wait, and the longer you leave it the greater the risk that your friend will be caught off guard by the police.

This:

“personally I couldn’t live with myself if he did something to her and I could have stopped it

i don’t think you have been unreasonable. You have cared enough to get help, ok perhaps a DV helpline would have been better, but if she has been looking to leave and divorce for years this will simply force the issue for her

There are to many cases in the papers, and they will be the tip of the iceberg, of men who have beaten up or killed woman. It all starts somewhere”

@plimm - it does seem to me that some responders on AIBU just want to kick the poster. Or have never done something they regretted.

Yes, perhaps it wasn’t necessary to involve the police but who’s to say that won’t turn out to be exactly what was needed? She can almost certainly chat this through with the police on the basis that they don’t approach him at this point but just so they have this on file.

And good on you for caring.

OP I’m so sorry. you tried to be a good protective friend. I hope your friend is safe and gets proper help to leave when she wants to. Feels like a lot of bullying responses on here kicking someone who knows they messed up and wants help to give support to a woman in crisis. OP can’t go back in time. What should she do now is what’s needed. I hope you can safely talk to your friend Op explain what happened and that you care about her and are 100% there for her and say you are unreservedly sorry you made a (human) mistake. Calling OP busybody??? She is not being a bystander like so many people who turn a blind eye. We all know that this wasn’t the right response for future.

I don't think you've done anything wrong really.
People can't go around crying that they are being abused and yet be shocked when someone that cares about them tries to get them help.

Crying that they're being abused? Have a word with yourself

It don't work like that there's children involved they have to put them first not her feelings or her husband. Social services will get called but because he is a lawyer they will probably get their arses handed to them.

Is there really any need to be this unnecessarily nasty? To coin someone a complete “busybody” which is a term referred to people who needlessly get themselves involved in other’s business with no positive motive other than their own boredom is just spiteful and a falsehood. It’s obvious that the OP is severely conflicted, remorseful and scared for the safety of her friend and her friends children. This isn’t needless. It’s not poorly motivated just badly coordinated. She didn’t handle it in the same manner as a lot of people but plenty still would have out of extreme concern. The OP is fully aware of her shortcomings, who are you to continue to verbally beat someone when they’re so clearly down? Who died and made you God? You sound nothing but a nasty little bully. I hope you’re perfect and have never ever, intentionally or otherwise done anything to offend or upset. We all mistakenly overstep in life usually through concern its human nature. The fact you’re “fully diagnosed ASD” is irrelevant by the way. A diagnosis doesn’t make you an expert, it’s a spectrum disorder and everyone is different and behaves differently. But the majority of us can still conduct ourselves with grace and compassion even when we’ve got our own emotional shortcomings - I’m sorry you can’t. Plenty of “fully diagnosed” people with ASD would act either way. Plenty of people with ASD would not dream of acting the way you have either. Thank god some of us aren’t unfeeling vipers like yourself.

Professional head - You need to call her or 101 asap as if this gets allocated (which it will as a priority) if she doesnt answer her phone they may do a welfare check at the address... when the husband is home. Due to you mentioning children this will be risk assessed and scored highly. Effectively saying he has kept her in a room and wouldnt let her out will be recorded as CCB / prevent another leaving of their free will. A domestic abuse risk form and public protection notice will need to be completed.

And THIS is why I don't tell anyone ANYTHING, about anything personal or serious... not even my 3 best friends. I don't even tell DH some things that are on my mind/worrying me.

Because I don't want anyone interfering/sticking their beak in/trying to do (in their opinion) the right thing, and just making things worse, and resulting in other people you'd rather not know about it, knowing your private business, and angst - and worries and issues.

I used to go to Church many years ago, in a new area I had moved into - and I got talking to a woman who had been going for some years, and was tight with the 'boss people' there, including the Vicar and his wife, and she seemed really friendly. I trusted her with a couple of issues I had at the time - won't say what they are but there were a couple of very personal issues.

Come the Group Meeting in the week that I went to every other week (with about 25 people from the Church,) and the Vicar's wife, said 'I want us all to talk about FreshWinterMorning's problems right now, and pray for her la la la....' Then she proceeded to tell everyone EVERYTHING I had told this other woman!

I was fucking steaming. This woman I had confided in, had told at LEAST 6 people already, and after the Vicar's wife spoke - my personal and private issues were out in the open in front of everyone. And don't think that Church-people don't gossip and chat because they fucking do.

I never ever shared a damn thing with anyone after that, because I knew at that point, that I couldn't trust a soul fully with any secret.

As for DH - I don't tell him anything, because he tries to be a fucking chest thumping gorilla, and tries to 'fix' things, and interferes and pokes his neb in. Eg, a GP receptionist was rude to me once, and I told him, and he went flying down to the surgery and DEMANDED to speak to the Manager, and went loco. He put in an official complaint about the woman - in writing - and it all just escalated. All 7 of the receptionists just scowled at me every time I went in after that. I was glad to leave the area after that!

I was mortified. The woman was probably just having a bad day, and I would have let it go. But he had to go batshit and lodge a formal complaint. He has done several things like this in the past - responded to me saying something has happened/someone has been an arse, and it just goes off like a rocket, and escalates, instead of being forgotten about and buried, which is what should happen (with many things.) So now I tell him nothing, (if something shitty happens/someone is an arsehole,) and I just deal with shit myself.

Long story short @plimm You have no business dealing with someone else's life and their problems, and airing them to everyone else. And getting the police involved against her will? I am shocked at that tbh. Firstly because it was NOT your place, and secondly, I wouldn't have thought they would have taken it seriously - coming from someone else. I remember me and DH reporting some kid throwing a rock at someone's side window of their house 4 or 5 years ago, (and smashing it,) and we reported it to the police. They said if it's not our house, it's nothing to do with us, and not our place to report it.

Hang on…somebody said to OP that their husband was abusing them, she called the police as she was concerned for her welfare and now OP is the bad guy? WTAF?!

You absolutely did the right thing!! Having been a victim of domestic abuse, i kept my mouth shut for years just incase somebody actually did the right thing and called the police.

If she’s got kids then that’s even more reason to call them, i can’t believe people are suggesting she’s a bad friend for doing so honestly.

There’s no right time to leave domestic abuse and sometimes having your hand forced is the best way!

This!! I hope this thread hasn't upset you too much OP. It may have been the wrong decision (not definitely) but in any case it's clear you're a caring friend 🧡

Completely agree!! Because other posters think being ‘a bad friend’ comes before the safety of children.
Imagine suggesting the police aren’t called for advice when you are aware of abuse, I am shocked beyond belief.

We know tbh abuse escalates and his behaviour is unacceptable; even if she is somewhat trying to tolerate it. I think you say nothing and do no more and don’t say it was you. I would tell the police you want to be anonymous and let her shitty DH face the consequences of his bullying and abusive behaviour. Perhaps if more abusive men thought that there was a high chance they would be caught they would stop abusing their wives and partners.

Keep being her friend op. If he kills or injures his next partner in 5 years time you will look back and think you did the right thing making this known now. He’s a bully and his behaviour is not ok- it’s illegal and the police will either handle it or at least shit him up enough. Also it’s not a no fault divorce if she is being abused so I think you have overstepped BUT it is a good thing in the grand scheme of things.

@FreshWinterMorning do we know the same people the same thing happened to me but in different environments from the vicars wife and her friend. The two of them were busy bodies.

You've messed up big time. You have to warn her what you've done. Its the least you can do!!

Hmmmm not sure I agree with people saying you overstepped - if a woman ends up murdered due to dv, the same people are the first to start a creaming “if only someone had stepped up and said something”

you were worried for her welfare and called the police - this is a good reaction. Also SHE’S the one who told you - if she doesn’t want someone to report a report of abuse she shouldn’t have told you.

when I was being abused people genuinely walked past me lying bloody on the street while he screamed at me and not one called the police. wish I’d had someone like you who stepped up!

Gosh genuinely it would probably be best just to not say anything and just let them think a neighbour overheard them fighting.

youll Get her in more trouble if he finds out she was talking to other people about him.

the reality is she IS being abused and the police SHOULD be involved. So let it be now.

You aren’t the baddie here, remember that.

You meant well op but unfortunately the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

The best thing you can do for her now is tell her, now if not sooner. The only gift you can give her is time to think.

There is never going to be a right time for her to leave, and so it will never happen. This could be the kick up the backside she needs to do something. If it was just her, that’s different. Her decision, her consequences. But with children involved something needed to be done. Hopefully she will get the strength to take the children and leave. She might not be your friend again, or for a while at least. But hopefully everything will work out for her.

This

Plus domestic violence at Christmas tends to ramp up. The police are acting on the information they have and trying to ensure there isn't a bigger issue over this period.

If you feared enough for her, that you felt the need to report it wtf are you now stressing over the timing of reporting it?

Someone upthread has accused op of involving the police against the friends will, and airing their problems to everyone else this is a truly nasty thing to say and completely untrue,