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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

371 replies

plimm · 16/12/2023 12:02

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

OP posts:
MintsSpy · 16/12/2023 13:02

Testina · 16/12/2023 12:36

The only thing she has to do is call the police herself, tell them that you have completely overstepped, and that because she is planning her exit it could be harmful to her if they have any contact with her husband over this.

For her to have that control for her own safety you need to tell her what you’ve done. NOW

Completely agree with this

InAMess2023 · 16/12/2023 13:02

Wow I wish the police where I live were like this and take DV seriously even if no physical abuse has occurred...

I was repeatedly abused (mentally, physically and sexually) by an ex yet each time he was arrested he was freed without charge. After the worst incident (where the attending officers told me he would eventually kill me if I didn't press charges) we made a complaint... only to be told by the most senior officer that I could have inflicted my injuries on myself 😢

He put a girl in hospital after me yet he's still walking around scot free

RichTea63 · 16/12/2023 13:02

OP ignore the unhelpful comments here...you did what you thought was right at the time. I would be honest with your friend about what you did and why, and apologise if you feel you need to. Tell her the truth...you were shocked by what she told you, you are concerned for her safety and didn't know where to turn and thought you were doing the right thing, and that you love her. X

Zoreos · 16/12/2023 13:03

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 16/12/2023 12:19

She wasn't leaving in the new year. She's been leaving for years or wanting to but never does. Long term forcing her hand is probably in hers and her children's best interests even if she does hate you for it.

This! I have been a victim of DV and can’t honestly wrap my head around some peoples posts. If there are children involved and this has been going on for years then they are at the very least being exposed to extreme mental abuse which is dangerous. As much as it’s difficult and believe me I understand, she is not safeguarding her children and this may be a blessing in disguise. Why should a man who has a legal and moral duty be able to get away with this. He should feel the full consequences of his actions. He’s not the first person to abuse his position and he won’t be the last but he is corrupt and shouldn’t be anywhere near anyone who’s vulnerable. The chances are she won’t be leaving him any time soon because it’s been going on so long that she’s conditioned. Every day that man stays in the house, not only does she suffer then so does her children. You did the right thing OP, regardless of anyone else’s reason someone has to be safeguarding her children because she’s not currently able to.

Dotcheck · 16/12/2023 13:03

Does she have a job? Will she be able to support herself?

fluffy2buffy · 16/12/2023 13:04

I was 13 years into a relationship and someone did the same for me. It was the beginning of my new life!

Original poster
plimm · 16/12/2023 13:04

I don't think they're going to call her straight away, they asked me what I thought would be the best time to call her. I said probably during a week day.
Perhaps I can phone the police back with a definite day and time to call her.

Of course I will tell her. I just don't think now is the best time because she's driving a long distance today with kids in the car, and already so stressed and tired. I'm in pain thinking of the extra grief I've given her.

Hopefully she can reassure them during the risk assessment and continue on her journey.

OP posts:
LauderSyme · 16/12/2023 13:04

Speaking for myself I am not 'piling on' to the OP. I reacted out of fear and dismay on behalf of her friend because I know what would have kicked off in my life if she had made that phone call thinking she was helping me.

Rescuing victims from abuse is obviously always the right and desirable thing to do. But the way OP has handled this has removed all of her friend's agency. OP has massively overstepped boundaries here, and created what could be a very damaging situation for somebody else. She needs understand why she allowed herself to behave like this so that she can make better decisions going forward.

bumtrumpet · 16/12/2023 13:05

Well if SS have been informed they're likely to be in touch asap. They rang me the same day an allegation was made against me

Psychoticbreak · 16/12/2023 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This. Fucking hell OP you have massively overstepped and I think you are a complete busy body but whether you have ASD or not do NOT blame that on what you have done as some of us have it fully diagnosed and would never dream of acting like you have.

Didimum · 16/12/2023 13:06

MandyMotherOfBrian · 16/12/2023 12:59

She asked how much she had fucked up. She's been told.
She also asked what to do. She's been told that too, many times. Call the friend immediately.
So both her questions have been answered.
If she, or you, thought an 'oh dear, nevermind', response was more in order then, sorry, but those of us who have experienced DV are probably too horrified right now on behalf of the friend to be nice about it.

Show quote history

When I made my reply, 7 out of 30 had offered some degree practical advice. It’s a pile on. She asked for advice. Your ‘oh dear nevermind’ is completely irrelevant and has nothing to do with anything I or OP has said.

MintsSpy · 16/12/2023 13:06

The reason I say this, is because I was in a very similar situation.

Someone reported to the police WAY before I was ready to leave, I couldn't leave in that moment for many reasons.

The police came to see me (this wasn't physical violence, by the way... well not to me or my DC anyway)

Police officer came and spoke to me, asked me what happened. Said if I were to make a statement, then ex would be arrested and bought in for questioning.
I declined to make a statement, but aware how bad that looks on paper so I told her I had plans to leave, but me doing a statement and ex being arrested would make that impossible.

Due to me not making a statement, it was referred to SS. SS called, did a risk assessment and referred me to many different avenues of help. None of them could've helped me at that time. It wasn't the right time.

This didn't happen all that long ago by the way, but just because it wasn't physical, they still came to see me, and it fucked everything.

You REALLY need to tell her, now, so she can call the police herself and have some time to think about what she's going to say, to try and damage control what's happened as this will affect her being able to leave. Undoubtedly.

EnidSpyton · 16/12/2023 13:07

OP, you were frightened for your friend and her children's safety, and you called the police to get advice as to what to do. You didn't do anything wrong. You did what you thought best, with your friend's interests at heart, and you weren't to know what the consequences of that phone call would be. Those piling on are acting as if you phoned to make a report. You didn't. You phoned for advice.

Unfortunately two women in this country are killed every week by a partner. The reason that happens is because there is so often a conspiracy of silence around the abuse.

Your friend said this has been happening for years and she hasn't told anyone before. There is a reason she told you about this today. It must be getting to the point where she can no longer cope. This suggests it's escalating. Her reaching out for help is a huge danger sign.

Those saying that the victim of DV is best placed to decide how to exit a situation - this isn't always true. Victims are not necessarily the best people to decide the best course of action to keep themselves safe if they have been ground down for years by coercively controlling men and have lost all perspective on their situation. There have been many women murdered by controlling partners who never thought their partner would go 'that far'.

Call your friend, tell her what you have done, explain the circumstances, and then leave the ball in her court as to next steps with the police.

Yes, she may decide she doesn't want to be friends with you anymore. She may be angry now, but in a few months' time, may realise you were the catalyst for her getting out of a horrible situation. Whatever happens, you can't change it - you are just going to have to be honest and move forward in whatever way your friend wishes to.

MintsSpy · 16/12/2023 13:08

And on top of that, me trying to navigate a separation with an abusive man, having SS involved and the police and the hospital in the end, was a legitimate fucking nightmare.

Please tell her what you've done.

I know you meant well, but she needs to be prepared. If you value her and her safety you'll tell her, as this coming as a total surprise can hugely affect her safety and her ability to leave.

bumtrumpet · 16/12/2023 13:09

LauderSyme · 16/12/2023 13:04

Speaking for myself I am not 'piling on' to the OP. I reacted out of fear and dismay on behalf of her friend because I know what would have kicked off in my life if she had made that phone call thinking she was helping me.

Rescuing victims from abuse is obviously always the right and desirable thing to do. But the way OP has handled this has removed all of her friend's agency. OP has massively overstepped boundaries here, and created what could be a very damaging situation for somebody else. She needs understand why she allowed herself to behave like this so that she can make better decisions going forward.

Absolutely. The police and SS don't swoop in and rescue the lady and her children. What they do do is notify a DH, out of the blue, that there is an investigation beginning. If that had happened to me then my ex partner would have killed me the first chance he got. I needed to notify the police when I had somewhere else to go and could keep me and my children safe

MandyMotherOfBrian · 16/12/2023 13:10

InAMess2023 · 16/12/2023 13:02

Wow I wish the police where I live were like this and take DV seriously even if no physical abuse has occurred...

I was repeatedly abused (mentally, physically and sexually) by an ex yet each time he was arrested he was freed without charge. After the worst incident (where the attending officers told me he would eventually kill me if I didn't press charges) we made a complaint... only to be told by the most senior officer that I could have inflicted my injuries on myself 😢

He put a girl in hospital after me yet he's still walking around scot free

I'm very sorry to hear that. No idea where you are but I can say in my experience the police were amazingly good, couldn't fault them or their response. It shouldn't be a postcode lottery though, everyone should be able to rely on knowing there is a standard in how it will be dealt with.

MintsSpy · 16/12/2023 13:10

plimm · 16/12/2023 13:04

I don't think they're going to call her straight away, they asked me what I thought would be the best time to call her. I said probably during a week day.
Perhaps I can phone the police back with a definite day and time to call her.

Of course I will tell her. I just don't think now is the best time because she's driving a long distance today with kids in the car, and already so stressed and tired. I'm in pain thinking of the extra grief I've given her.

Hopefully she can reassure them during the risk assessment and continue on her journey.

It doesn't work like that.
You can't reassure them as services are aware multiple frightened women cover up what's happening at home.

As I said, I had a police visit, and MULTIPLE phone calls from police, hospital, SS etc.

You need to tell her asap.

Libertyy · 16/12/2023 13:12

People on here are a bit dim piling on someone for what has already happened, OP can’t change what she’s done but she can own up to it now and work with her friend to mitigate the situation

MandyMotherOfBrian · 16/12/2023 13:12

Didimum · 16/12/2023 13:06

When I made my reply, 7 out of 30 had offered some degree practical advice. It’s a pile on. She asked for advice. Your ‘oh dear nevermind’ is completely irrelevant and has nothing to do with anything I or OP has said.

Show quote history

Whatever. If you deem it a pile on, then maybe that's what is needed considering the overriding advice of 'Call her immediately and tell her' is still being ignored in the OPs last post.

Kinneddar · 16/12/2023 13:14

I work in a Police control room & we've had similar calls to this. How we'd deal with them is initially call the victim & explain what's been said & that we need to see her, ideally within 24 hours. She'd be given the option of going to a police office, having someone go to her house, or meet at a family member or friends house

If there was no success getting them on the phone a voicemail would be left asking her to call 101. All that would be said in it was nothing to worry about please call quoting Inc no xxx a similar text message would be sent

She'd be given a couple of hours to respond and if no contact was made we'd phone again. If no response a further text would be sent explaining we do need to speak to her & would rather talk to her on the phone initially but will call at her home address I there's no response to this message

Finally if there was still no response then officers would go to the house

Police officers know the risk people are at & will know their contact may be a shock to the victim so won't (hopefully) go in all guns blazing

Obviously I can't speak for everyone but that's certainly how my area would deal with this kind of call. And I'd hope most other Forces would do similar

Original poster
plimm · 16/12/2023 13:15

Psychoticbreak · 16/12/2023 13:06

This. Fucking hell OP you have massively overstepped and I think you are a complete busy body but whether you have ASD or not do NOT blame that on what you have done as some of us have it fully diagnosed and would never dream of acting like you have.

Show quote history

Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just confused how this happened when I rang for advice trying to help her.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 16/12/2023 13:17

I don't think they're going to call her straight away, they asked me what I thought would be the best time to call her. I said probably during a week day.
Perhaps I can phone the police back with a definite day and time to call her

Thats not how it works. They're not going to sit on a report from Saturday morning til sometime during the week

Theres no point in phoning back they're going to have protocols for dealing with domestic incidents. You need to just leave it with them now. The only call you need to make is to your friend to tell her what you've done

Flowerpower2022 · 16/12/2023 13:18

OP I hope you are looking after your wellbeing and MH in all this as well as making the call to your friend asap.

Didimum · 16/12/2023 13:18

MandyMotherOfBrian · 16/12/2023 13:12

Whatever. If you deem it a pile on, then maybe that's what is needed considering the overriding advice of 'Call her immediately and tell her' is still being ignored in the OPs last post.

Show quote history

Whatever - OK, are you 15?

Your attitude helps exactly no one.

Regardless, OP’s ‘last reply’ hadn’t been made when I made my first reply, had it? So that has nothing to go with my response.

OhComeOnFFS · 16/12/2023 13:20

The very best result would be if the police contacted her in a way that her husband was unaware of and told her that you'd notified them, and ask her to come to the station at a safe time to talk to the domestic violence team.

The worst, obviously, would be if he knew she'd had that message.