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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

785 replies

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:00

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

OP posts:
trickortrickier · 15/12/2023 15:08

Well, I love your SIL and so does your daughter ❤️

Sapphire387 · 15/12/2023 15:11

I think there's a balance to be had. Have you discussed this with her? She isn't wrong (in my opinion) but this is your daughter and if the comments are grating on you, you need to discuss it with her or ask your DH to.

Angrycat2768 · 15/12/2023 15:11

I think, she is just trying to empower your DD and messaging to her that she does not need to conform to gender stereotypes. Sometimes it is better that these things come from a 'big sister' cool aunt figure. She may be a bit OTT to a 3 year old, but I don't see why it is harmful if she grows up with these messages from a young age, especially when she will have an avalanche of the opposite from society in general, it can only be a good thing in the long run.

AnonnyMouseDave · 15/12/2023 15:12

If you're bringing DD up to be some kind of Disney Princess then I love your SIL and she is doing the right thing. Or if you are a fake tan / make-up always / lip filler type person.

If you're doing a decent job of ensuring that DD can wear nice dresses if she wants, but knows that being a tomboy is equally acceptable, then YANBU and SIL is going a bit OTT.

IMO

Namechangeforthis88 · 15/12/2023 15:13

Yeah, does sound like the stereotypes and assumptions are a bit strong in the home and she's offering another point of view.

I have never assumed the gender of DSs future partners. I want him to know there is total acceptance.

Skyblue92 · 15/12/2023 15:14

Well first one I don’t see the issue as your DD may very well want to date girls (is this an issue for you)
the others also aren’t really an issue and she’s clearly trying to make sure she isn’t just being placed into following a stereotypical girl way: as others have said it will empower her and allow her to see that girls don’t have to act in a certain way.

however if it’s annoying you then tell your SIL but be prepared for a response you may not like

JustTalkToThem · 15/12/2023 15:14

I think reminding young girls that they don't have to be pretty is a great message - she's a little off the mark with the way she's made some of the comments, but there's nothing wrong with them.

Also you're fully unreasonable with your first comment. Heteronormativity is a legit thing that reinforces flawed social structures, and builds shame in people. You assumed boys, and that's wrong.

RunningFromInsanity · 15/12/2023 15:16

1 and 2 are perfectly reasonable.

As for the rest, obviously we don’t know about your relationship with your daughter but you do seem to mention her looking ‘pretty’ quite a lot. It’s not a bad thing to make a conscious effort to focus less on her appearance. Kids pick up a lot from what you say.

PaulaPocket · 15/12/2023 15:16

I am totally with the SIL. She sounds great. You sound a bit prejudiced with your 'feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme'. If you have beliefs, what's wrong with having them fully? Isn't that best?

Torganer · 15/12/2023 15:17

She sounds great. It’s good for your daughter to see people who have different views to you

Notmetoo · 15/12/2023 15:17

I think your SiL sounds great and isn't it good that she is giving your daughter a different perspective. The you don't have to look pretty comments are helpful in my opinion. As is the acknowledgement that she may choose to date girls.

Original poster
nhd · 15/12/2023 15:18

Eg1. There's no indication she is gay or straight. If she ever expresses a preference for either gender, which she's too young to do at the moment, we will deal with it then. On the balance of probability she will prefer boys as most people are straight, so if we're discussing mixed vs single sex schools and I want to take into account that going to a mixed school could result in her being distracted by boys or maybe it's a good thing she learns to socialise with them, then yes we should consider that.

Eg2. I'm all for encouraging her to follow her interests - whether that's baking or football. But if she enjoys baking she shouldn't be constantly reminded that she COULD be doing football. If it was the other way round, say she went to watch football, and someone kept saying "but you know, as a girl, you could bake instead" that would be sexist and inappropriate. So why not let her enjoy what she enjoys without bringing her gender into it? If she ever expressed an interest in football she'd be signed up to classes and she'd go but when watching her cousin play football (my sis's son) she said she didn't want to join and didn't appear to enjoy watching so we left.

  1. Surely I can at least encourage my child to wear clean clothes? Not force. Encourage. Rather than actively give her the option of walking around dirty.
  1. She's just copying mummy. Same way she copies most things I do. And I've never said I'm putting on make up for my husband, I'm putting it on because I enjoy it, it's a form of art to me and I find it confidence boosting.
OP posts:
Rudolphtherednoseddog · 15/12/2023 15:19

I sort of see where she’s coming from. Personally I refrain from too many “you’re so pretty” type comments because I just don’t want my daughter thinking her looks matter. I’d rather compliment her on things she has control over.

But she’s your child and your SIL is massively overstepping to actually voice her thoughts, especially in front of the child. If you have offered your daughter a choice of two outfits it’s not for her to step in and offer a “pyjamas and one sock” option - there’s “looking pretty” which isn’t necessary, and there’s “wearing clothes appropriate and respectful for the occasion” which is necessary. She’s undermining you as a parent.

Time for a conversation about what “playing an active part in upbringing” means to you and her and to set down some boundaries. Three is far too young for all these conversations about boys and dating and not changing for a man.

Winniespooh · 15/12/2023 15:19

SIL sounds fab! Hope she keeps on fighting the good fight! 💪

stemmedroses · 15/12/2023 15:19

Or if you are a fake tan / make-up always / lip filler type person

Judgemental much?

OP, I know what your SIL is trying to do and if she is generally good to your DD, I wouldn't make a big deal of it but I would tell her the constant reminders are a bit much.

Marblessolveeverything · 15/12/2023 15:19

YABU.why did you limit her to dating boys? Why hasn't she gone to a football match? She isn't going to have choices if you don't expose her and my god I would clamp down on any comments of make your daughter pretty.

I appreciate you are a product of your upbringing but please for your daughters sake widen your lens.

Sundaefraise · 15/12/2023 15:20

trickortrickier · 15/12/2023 15:08

Well, I love your SIL and so does your daughter ❤️

Me too, some of these sound like things I would say. Either way on the scale of annoying things in-laws do this sounds on the mild side.

PaulaPocket · 15/12/2023 15:21

stemmedroses · 15/12/2023 15:19

Or if you are a fake tan / make-up always / lip filler type person

Judgemental much?

OP, I know what your SIL is trying to do and if she is generally good to your DD, I wouldn't make a big deal of it but I would tell her the constant reminders are a bit much.

I happily admit I judge women with lip filler, or duck mouth as I call it. Judge them as fools.

Original poster
nhd · 15/12/2023 15:21

AnonnyMouseDave · 15/12/2023 15:12

If you're bringing DD up to be some kind of Disney Princess then I love your SIL and she is doing the right thing. Or if you are a fake tan / make-up always / lip filler type person.

If you're doing a decent job of ensuring that DD can wear nice dresses if she wants, but knows that being a tomboy is equally acceptable, then YANBU and SIL is going a bit OTT.

IMO

Never had fake tan or lip filler. I wear make up probably once a week. Every day my daughter chooses her own outfit from a wardrobe that contains her boy cousin's hand me downs, very girly dresses, blues, greens, pinks, trackies, glittery tops etc (subject to her outfit choice being weather appropriate obviously)

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 15/12/2023 15:21

I think she's sort of right but it would irritate me a bit. If my child was wearing dirty clothes and her aunt said that I'd be annoyed. However I do think I would say "boyfriend or girlfriend" if not all the time, then every now and then. But really I'd go by how my child was - if I thought they might be gay then I would definitely say "boyfriend or girlfriend" every time.

My hill to die on is if your SIL decided your daughter might not be female.

HomburgandTrilby · 15/12/2023 15:22

Your SIL is very far from ‘extreme’. In your shoes I’d be focusing on what ideas you’re bringing your young DD up with. You sound quite focused on her looks.

Angrycat2768 · 15/12/2023 15:23

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 15/12/2023 15:19

I sort of see where she’s coming from. Personally I refrain from too many “you’re so pretty” type comments because I just don’t want my daughter thinking her looks matter. I’d rather compliment her on things she has control over.

But she’s your child and your SIL is massively overstepping to actually voice her thoughts, especially in front of the child. If you have offered your daughter a choice of two outfits it’s not for her to step in and offer a “pyjamas and one sock” option - there’s “looking pretty” which isn’t necessary, and there’s “wearing clothes appropriate and respectful for the occasion” which is necessary. She’s undermining you as a parent.

Time for a conversation about what “playing an active part in upbringing” means to you and her and to set down some boundaries. Three is far too young for all these conversations about boys and dating and not changing for a man.

The boys and dating conversation was initiated by her mother!

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/12/2023 15:23

Your SIL sounds great to me.

Inthebleakmidwinter2 · 15/12/2023 15:23

God she sounds annoying.
I would have taken issue with the "you can go wearing that if you want" as at that point she's undermining you as a parent, it's up to you to tell your daughter to get dressed, and children don't listen at the best of times without an auntie in the background saying they don't have to do what mummy has asked.

Moving forwards I'd pick your battles but ask her not to undermine you if anything like that comes up again.

Original poster
nhd · 15/12/2023 15:25

Marblessolveeverything · 15/12/2023 15:19

YABU.why did you limit her to dating boys? Why hasn't she gone to a football match? She isn't going to have choices if you don't expose her and my god I would clamp down on any comments of make your daughter pretty.

I appreciate you are a product of your upbringing but please for your daughters sake widen your lens.

She's gone to a football match (played by her cousin) and asked to leave.

I'm not limiting her to dating anyone, I'm discussing choice of schools and whether she will be with boys (whom she may or may not want to date) or without

OP posts: