To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

[nhd]

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

Oh boy, this would really get on my nerves. Let the kid be a kid and enjoy the things she enjoys.

There's a wonderful letter from C.S. Lewis to a young girl who wrote to him for some tips on writing, and this rings true for all occasions:

Don’t use adjectives which merely tell us how you want us to feel about the thing you are describing. I mean, instead of telling us a thing was “terrible,” describe it so that we’ll be terrified. Don’t say it was “delightful”; make us say “delightful” when we’ve read the description. You see, all those words (horrifying, wonderful, hideous, exquisite) are only like saying to your readers, “Please will you do my job for me.”

Your SIL is doing this. She probably thinks she is helping to broaden your DD's mind, but instead is just rebutting everything that is said or done around her. She's not allowing your DD to discover what she enjoys, cares about, or feels on her own.

Me too. I can't see anything wrong in anything she has said. My granddaughter often got compliments because of her looks. My daughter requested that as a family we highlighted and praised other characteristics or behaviours eg What a super idea! or You've made a real effort. Strangers would still stare and comment.
My niece has recently come out as gay. Her mum was in shock. I wasnt. For a few years I've been the annoying aunt who would interject with comments like your sister eg Or girls....if you chose to have children etc.
Do you fundamentally disagree with her views (which seem spot on to me) or could it be that you feel chastised or pulled up? Does she do this around your OH? What dies he think?

Your SIL sounds OTT and annoying. I wouldn't be letting her help me bring up a child...... I never took "needing a village" to mean that.

My half brother's second wife behaves like this and then some with her nieces. She was unininvited by the niece's mother to the niece's birthday party once because she just went too far. She seems to think she is playing the role of another Mum.

The messages your SIL is giving are very healthy ones for a girl to hear.

If it's all she talks about I can see it would be annoying. However there's nothing 'damaging' about what she's saying.

I cringe when I hear little girls being told they're pretty as though it's the nicest complement you can give. Much kinder and healthier to spend more time complementing their strength / how clever they are / how funny they are / how creative they are. But in that context, ofcourse nothing wrong with telling they look lovely too. Same as hopefully you would a boy.

I have nothing against what she's saying.

But it would annoy the shit out of me as well.

I think the occasional comment like that, when actually appropriate is great. Or even better if there is a slightly deeper conversation about these topics, for an actual reason, then ok. As long as you're leading it and involved and you're both sharing these things with your DD.

The way she seems to randomly slot it in, is what I don't like.

What's she insinuating ? That you're not teaching your Dd these things?

That she's the only one who can teach her these things ? Do you ever say stuff like that in front of SIL ?

I wouldn't like it at all. Like I said, at appropriate moments, it's not an issue. But she seems to be picking every moment to do it.

Her sister in law can F off and do what she wants with her own children. Not with her niece.

I could not handle a person like this.

My DD loves pretty dresses ! So fucking what ! I would not have anyone following up her love for dresses with ' but you can wear boys clothes too'.

No she can't wear fucking boys clothes. She's A GIRL. She's never even THOUGHT about wearing boy's clothes. Leave her alone.

Agree with this completely - her SIL sounds like a nightmare to me. I can't bear intrusive people like this

YANBU. She sounds extremely intrusive, and I don't think her behavior has to do with the fact that she's a feminist, it's probably her personality. DD is your kid and you are bringing her up, nobody has the right to interfere with that, no matter what. Unless you asked her opinion on these matters, but I also find it distressing to have to deal with that in the middle of a situation, like helping DD get dressed for something and SIL is around, blabbing opinions no one asked for.

Well it would annoy me, but I would be more likely to say ' let's look smart because its respectful ' rather than looking pretty.

I'm sure your sis means well but if your dd turns out to be straight, likes baking and enjoys looking nice and feeling confident in a dress and heels or matching colours - will she still support her choices? Or encourage her to feel its not good enough and needs to be edgy?

Blimey, she is only three. It's your job to teach her to not turn up looking like a scruffbag. Of course, as a teen dd, she will have her own ideas, but at least she will have a base knowledge of social norms as they are today in your social circle.