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Original poster

To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

785 replies

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:00

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

OP posts:
daisybe · 15/12/2023 15:39

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:18

Eg1. There's no indication she is gay or straight. If she ever expresses a preference for either gender, which she's too young to do at the moment, we will deal with it then. On the balance of probability she will prefer boys as most people are straight, so if we're discussing mixed vs single sex schools and I want to take into account that going to a mixed school could result in her being distracted by boys or maybe it's a good thing she learns to socialise with them, then yes we should consider that.

Eg2. I'm all for encouraging her to follow her interests - whether that's baking or football. But if she enjoys baking she shouldn't be constantly reminded that she COULD be doing football. If it was the other way round, say she went to watch football, and someone kept saying "but you know, as a girl, you could bake instead" that would be sexist and inappropriate. So why not let her enjoy what she enjoys without bringing her gender into it? If she ever expressed an interest in football she'd be signed up to classes and she'd go but when watching her cousin play football (my sis's son) she said she didn't want to join and didn't appear to enjoy watching so we left.

  1. Surely I can at least encourage my child to wear clean clothes? Not force. Encourage. Rather than actively give her the option of walking around dirty.
  1. She's just copying mummy. Same way she copies most things I do. And I've never said I'm putting on make up for my husband, I'm putting it on because I enjoy it, it's a form of art to me and I find it confidence boosting.

Your child, your rules. She's only three so I don't get all these people agreeing with your, quite frankly ott SIL. Shes clearly got her preferences and they happen to be (god forbid) girly. Your daughter is three not thirteen. She'll have plenty of years to learn about empowerment etc. Im not against what your SIL is trying to get across, not at all, I'm all for it, just not to a three year old and not to a kid who is not yours. Its bad enough kids are forced to grow up much faster generation to generation so focus on enjoying her childhood years. She'll show you her personality as she grows and I'm sure if she decides she likes girls, or prefers football etc you'll support her, (and not because shes been indoctrinated into feeling she HAS to because aunt karen kept saying so) You do you.

JustTalkToThem · 15/12/2023 15:39

Oh I see - you're not actually interested in other opinions at all! You just wanted everyone to bemoan the wokeness of your SIL.

That's not quite working out for you is it? #TeamSIL

bakewellbride · 15/12/2023 15:39

I love your SIL! I wish my kids had someone like her.

SkySecret · 15/12/2023 15:40

All the people digging at OP for suggesting she might date boys…. ignoring that SIL said she didn’t need to wear make up “for a man” lol. Double standards, much.

It’s not inappropriate to make an innocent assumption that your very young kid will be heterosexual. The issue would come further down the line if you instilled into them that homosexuality is wrong, or didn’t accept them if they did come out as gay. Relationship and sex ed talk is a long way off for this small child.

bakewellbride · 15/12/2023 15:40

I am definitely going to try to be exactly like your Sil when it comes to make up etc. So refreshing and real.

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 15:40

My DD has always known what gay and straight is. One of my best friends is a lesbian. She asked me the other day how many gay kids were in my school in the 90’s - and was gobsmacked when I said, at the time, 0, and that they all came out after school because homophobia killed the idea of being ‘out’ stone dead. She asked why - I said I’m as clueless as she is but I’m so happy that isn’t the case anymore.

Changes like this start with conversations where you DON’T assume they’ll be straight. It’s not woke. It’s called being a half decent human

Original poster
nhd · 15/12/2023 15:41

@SouthLondonMum22 when have I said she needs to be pretty because she's a girl?

OP posts:
LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 15:43

Your daughter is three not thirteen. She'll have plenty of years to learn about empowerment

If you are leaving empowerment and equality until they’re 13, then good luck on producing a confident, well rounded daughter

FallingStar21 · 15/12/2023 15:43

I don't believe all of the people commenting "your SIL is Fab" or "SIL is great" would enjoy constantly being judged and corrected by someone like this!
OP, your DD is 3 years old, she likes baking and wearing dresses. There's no need for your SIL to be constantly in opposition to what she is doing and always turning it into a feminist issue. Your DD is 3, for goodness sake!
Sounds like your SIL has taken upon herself to "educate" your daughter as she doesn't perceive you as feminist/woke enough. She probably enjoys being the modern, "cool" role model. I also suspect that saying such things to your DD may be her passive aggressive way to criticize you about your own taste and choices. It reads like she is indirectly putting you down to be honest.
Try to deal with her in a smart way - she says "oh but you can go to football with daddy", let your DD tell her that she doesn't like football. She says "do you want to go out as you are", you say breezily "No we aren't going covered in stains haha"; and so on... But say things light heartedly without getting into an actual discussion. You can also limit your interactions to a minimum (and only with DH present so he can deal with her).

Motnight · 15/12/2023 15:44

I love your SIL!

Whatishedoing · 15/12/2023 15:45

Your sil has the right idea

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 15:45

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:41

@SouthLondonMum22 when have I said she needs to be pretty because she's a girl?

Just because you don’t say it outright, it doesn’t mean that’s not the message that comes across

Hobnobswantshernameback · 15/12/2023 15:45

I hate people who use woke as an insult
If being "woke" is having basic empathy and decency and not being a wanker then I'm happy be as woke as you like

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/12/2023 15:45

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:41

@SouthLondonMum22 when have I said she needs to be pretty because she's a girl?

Both of the examples of you using the word pretty enforces the stereotype.

Poorlymumma · 15/12/2023 15:45

I understand why the comments are annoying.
"She could date girls" implies you might be homophobic
"She doesn't have to do baking" implies you've told her that she has to and isn't allowed to play football
"You don't have to wear a dress" implies you're forcing her into dresses

When in reality, you would be fine if she was gay, or wanted to play football. You had a lovely time baking together and just wanted her to get dressed.

She sounds exhausting to me, always having to make a point of everything.

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 15:46

Hobnobswantshernameback · 15/12/2023 15:45

I hate people who use woke as an insult
If being "woke" is having basic empathy and decency and not being a wanker then I'm happy be as woke as you like

👏🏼 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

stemmedroses · 15/12/2023 15:46

I happily admit I judge women with lip filler, or duck mouth as I call it. Judge them as fools

And you call the OP prejudiced 😂

Mischance · 15/12/2023 15:50

She sounds a right p in the a. It is up to you to say these things as you see fit - you are her parent. Your SIL's task is to support and not undermine your parenting. You need to say to SIL that it is your choice as to how you approach things with her and that, if she has a problem with anything, she sho0uld speak to you in private.

greencheetah · 15/12/2023 15:51

I’m another Team SIL.

It is probably good you didn’t enable voting OP 😂

nearlyemptynes · 15/12/2023 15:52

Your SIL has worked out your underlying prejudices and is trying to make sure they don't rub off on DD. Her views are not extreme and you need to get with the times, your daughter will put you right as she grows up.

Mintyhotchocolate · 15/12/2023 15:54

With the getting dressed for a function example you said you’d told your daughter to get dressed as she’ll look pretty. Why not tell her to finish getting ready so she’s clean and smart? She shouldn’t be told that she needs to be pretty to go out, or that prettiness equates to a stereotypical dress.

FallingStar21 · 15/12/2023 15:54

greencheetah · 15/12/2023 15:51

I’m another Team SIL.

It is probably good you didn’t enable voting OP 😂

Probably.. because Mumsnet at its Finest is always great at twisting things and piling on the OP's!

GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 15:55

I'm with you for all but the very last example with the mirror. That was just positive reinforcement.

BUT.... She needs to butt the hell out and stay in her lane. She has NO right to undermine you or your parenting.
My mum did this a lot and I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that DC ended up with a major behavioural problem at home as she ended up not believing a word I said as Grandma kept saying the opposite right after/correcting me right in front of DC. It took a long time to fix.

AegonT · 15/12/2023 15:56

I would let her say these thing and just smile. Nothing she is saying is harmful and you can insist on dressing smartly for a party.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 15:56

PaulaPocket · 15/12/2023 15:16

I am totally with the SIL. She sounds great. You sound a bit prejudiced with your 'feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme'. If you have beliefs, what's wrong with having them fully? Isn't that best?

She is undermining OP massively and needs to stop overstepping Confused

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