Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

785 replies

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:00

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 17/12/2023 16:08

SIL isn't forcing her to do these things wither just reminding her she can choose to be her own person. Good on SIL. The fact yiu are so defensive suggests perhaps you do want her to be girly girly.

saraclara · 17/12/2023 16:22

Spirallingdownwards · 17/12/2023 16:08

SIL isn't forcing her to do these things wither just reminding her she can choose to be her own person. Good on SIL. The fact yiu are so defensive suggests perhaps you do want her to be girly girly.

If it was OP's MIL preaching to the kid instead of praising her, and passive aggressively undermining OP 's ability to encourage her daughter to do anything she wants, you and just about everyone here would be telling OP she was absolutely right to be defensive. You know that.

I was passionate about my daughters not being pigeon holed into feminine choices, but if anyone in my family jumped in at the moments where I or either of the girls were doing something that could be said to be feminine, in order to 'put us right' damn right I'd have been defensive, too

Ilovecleaning · 17/12/2023 18:13

Spirallingdownwards · 17/12/2023 16:08

SIL isn't forcing her to do these things wither just reminding her she can choose to be her own person. Good on SIL. The fact yiu are so defensive suggests perhaps you do want her to be girly girly.

And I think you’re reading between the lines stuff that isn’t there 🤣

poetryandwine · 17/12/2023 19:21

OP,

I also don’t know why you are getting such a hard time. It’s probably a mistake to make any assumptions about your DC’s sexual orientation but beyond that you sound pretty balanced.

I agree with PPs who say that you SIL was invalidating to your DD around the cookies, that the first response to child excited about making something is to share that excitement. Comments about alternative activities are secondary.

Your SIL seems to have a somewhat rough life. She may have some misperceptions about why. I think she does genuinely want a better life for your DD and I don’t think she is doing any harm. But her lack of respect for you (who studied Engineering, does she have any idea of how male dominated that is, of how un-girly your studies were?) is annoying and wrong.

Spirallingdownwards · 17/12/2023 21:13

saraclara · 17/12/2023 16:22

If it was OP's MIL preaching to the kid instead of praising her, and passive aggressively undermining OP 's ability to encourage her daughter to do anything she wants, you and just about everyone here would be telling OP she was absolutely right to be defensive. You know that.

I was passionate about my daughters not being pigeon holed into feminine choices, but if anyone in my family jumped in at the moments where I or either of the girls were doing something that could be said to be feminine, in order to 'put us right' damn right I'd have been defensive, too

Show quote history

OK so you're... bonkers. No any woman who let's a girl know they don't have to conform to some stereotype is doing just fine.

saraclara · 17/12/2023 22:44

Spirallingdownwards · 17/12/2023 21:13

OK so you're... bonkers. No any woman who let's a girl know they don't have to conform to some stereotype is doing just fine.

Show quote history

I'm quite sane thanks. If my SIL wants to lead by example, great. But she doesn't get to undermine me, or ignore my child's achievement because on that day it happens to be in an area that SIL sees as feminine.

My eldest daughter has played football for decades. Captain of her university team, and still playing now. Her niece (barely four) goes to watch her matches and gets excited shouting for her auntie.

But DD doesn't for a moment criticise or question it when my granddaughter shows her the sparkly kiddie nail varnish she's wearing, she just admires it.
She demonstrates what it is to buck the trend, rather than raining on DGD's parade or making passive aggressive comments about her sisters parenting. And kicks a ball to DGD when they go in the garden.

PolkaDotsLikeALadyBug · 18/12/2023 08:28

OMG your SIL is too much. your child is only 3! i'd be telling her to keep her comments to herself and let your daughter enjoy being a kid. too much woke-ism going on and i can't cope with these people that are constantly pushing their views. tell her to give it a rest and enjoy your DD's company

VanityDiesHard · 18/12/2023 09:29

saraclara · 17/12/2023 22:44

I'm quite sane thanks. If my SIL wants to lead by example, great. But she doesn't get to undermine me, or ignore my child's achievement because on that day it happens to be in an area that SIL sees as feminine.

My eldest daughter has played football for decades. Captain of her university team, and still playing now. Her niece (barely four) goes to watch her matches and gets excited shouting for her auntie.

But DD doesn't for a moment criticise or question it when my granddaughter shows her the sparkly kiddie nail varnish she's wearing, she just admires it.
She demonstrates what it is to buck the trend, rather than raining on DGD's parade or making passive aggressive comments about her sisters parenting. And kicks a ball to DGD when they go in the garden.

Show quote history

Exactly. Your daughter is leading by example, not just preaching. Big, huge difference. I think that posters on here were so enthused by the SIL's message that they ignored her delivery, which was very poor.

saraclara · 18/12/2023 09:35

I think that posters on here were so enthused by the SIL's message that they ignored her delivery, which was very poor.

Yep.

eastegg · 18/12/2023 10:31

VanityDiesHard · 18/12/2023 09:29

Exactly. Your daughter is leading by example, not just preaching. Big, huge difference. I think that posters on here were so enthused by the SIL's message that they ignored her delivery, which was very poor.

Show quote history

This hits the nail on the head. I’m team saraclara.

guinnessguzzler · 18/12/2023 12:12

I think that posters on here were so enthused by the SIL's message that they ignored her delivery, which was very poor.

Yep. It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it. There's even a song to remind us all!

Football isn't better than fashion (or baking), blue isn't better than pink, and the shit that women have been doing for centuries isn't inherently valueless just because society can't find a way to put a price on it.

Naptrappedmummy · 18/12/2023 13:10

eastegg · 18/12/2023 10:31

This hits the nail on the head. I’m team saraclara.

Show quote history

Me too

Valeriekat · 18/12/2023 15:37

Your SIL sounds boring!

Ilovecleaning · 18/12/2023 15:48

Valeriekat · 18/12/2023 15:37

Your SIL sounds boring!

I second that! I have little patience with people who see EVERYTHING from their particular stance of feminism, class distinction, racism etc without considering individuals or the human condition. My DH for example calls all women “love” - and he’s one of the kindest men I have ever known. Plus he does a ton of housework 😊. Woe betide any drum banging feminist who pulls him up when he calls her “love”. 😄

VanityDiesHard · 18/12/2023 15:49

Valeriekat · 18/12/2023 15:37

Your SIL sounds boring!

Extremely boring.

FlipFlop1987 · 18/12/2023 19:31

Personally I’d find it a bit full on if SIL was following up all my comments with some life affirmations. DD is only 3 there’s time to instil healthy attitudes alongbthe line. The one about the clothes was daft too. Sounds like she contradicts you on purpose at any given opportunity even when it’s common sense to change dirty clothes

PurpleFlower1983 · 18/12/2023 19:35

Your SIL sounds fantastic. Girls need to be empowered and you are subconsciously shoehorning her into certain things. Most of us do it but fair play to your SIL for challenging that.

daisybe · 19/12/2023 10:05

Spirallingdownwards · 17/12/2023 16:08

SIL isn't forcing her to do these things wither just reminding her she can choose to be her own person. Good on SIL. The fact yiu are so defensive suggests perhaps you do want her to be girly girly.

Or maybe, just maybe dc is, actually a girlie girl. That's ok too now, right? Or does she, at THREE years old HAVE TO like non girlie stuff Because sil said so?

Some girls are simply feminine because that's what they want. Nothing wrong with that. Just like there's nothing wrong with them wanting to play/watch football. Op clearly gave her options and chose the feminine ones or chose to not stay at a football match.

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 10:44

daisybe · 19/12/2023 10:05

Or maybe, just maybe dc is, actually a girlie girl. That's ok too now, right? Or does she, at THREE years old HAVE TO like non girlie stuff Because sil said so?

Some girls are simply feminine because that's what they want. Nothing wrong with that. Just like there's nothing wrong with them wanting to play/watch football. Op clearly gave her options and chose the feminine ones or chose to not stay at a football match.

Show quote history

Totally agree. Nothing wrong with that. Just as there is nothing wrong with SIL saying you can chose who you want to be

CecilyP · 19/12/2023 13:19

Or maybe she’s not particularly girly. Who in their right mind would take a 3 year old of either sex to a football match. They’d be cold and bored witless after 10 minutes! OP just said to look pretty to chivvy her on to get dressed - she could have said smart, presentable or just plain clean, but pretty might have been a more of a motivator. And as for the makeup, she’s just copying her mum - she might decide it’s way too much of a faff!

SIL sounds an absolute pain, policing everything OP does and the language that she uses.

Gladrags1234 · 20/12/2023 20:08

📢 team @saraclara here too!

Bumblebeestiltskin · 20/12/2023 20:14

They're the sort of things I say to my daughter. The fact you have an issue with it suggests you DON'T, so it's good that your daughter has that kind of positive role model.

KnowWhatIMean · 20/12/2023 20:41

Haven’t RTFT, only the first page, but I’m surprised that there weren’t more people saying that SIL is overstepping. I wouldn’t dream of trying to overrule a parent when they’ve given their child an instruction - “come on, let’s go finish getting dressed!” by jumping in with “or you can stay like that if you prefer”.
No, she’s 3, and her mother has told her it’s time to get dressed. I’m afraid I’d be putting SIL in her place after that.

saraclara · 20/12/2023 20:57

Bumblebeestiltskin · 20/12/2023 20:14

They're the sort of things I say to my daughter. The fact you have an issue with it suggests you DON'T, so it's good that your daughter has that kind of positive role model.

It doesn't suggest any such thing. It suggests that OP is annoyed, as I would be, that her SIL is overstepping and assuming that OP, the engineering graduate, isn't capable of or likely to be encouraging her daughter to be open to areas of life seen as predominantly masculine. Which of course she is.

Not to mention that SIL, instead of reading positively to her niece's excitement and achievement with her baking just gave her the idea that it wasn't as good as football. That's crap auntying, putting a three year old down.

VanityDiesHard · 20/12/2023 21:01

KnowWhatIMean · 20/12/2023 20:41

Haven’t RTFT, only the first page, but I’m surprised that there weren’t more people saying that SIL is overstepping. I wouldn’t dream of trying to overrule a parent when they’ve given their child an instruction - “come on, let’s go finish getting dressed!” by jumping in with “or you can stay like that if you prefer”.
No, she’s 3, and her mother has told her it’s time to get dressed. I’m afraid I’d be putting SIL in her place after that.

That's because people on this site are obsessed with the 'patriarchy' and think that shouting and yelling in a silly way achieves something.